Dating thread 145: new year new adventures

[Notcoolmum]

apparentlyacatch I’m sorry to be such a mum but please don’t invite men round to your house in the first date. You are putting yourself in a v vulnerable position. These men are strangers and you know nothing more about them than what they have chosen to tell you.

He now knows where you live, what possessions you have, seen pictures of your kids, your car, where you put your keys etc.

So 3rd date tonight with Mr S and we are totally DTD! Excited and nervous!!

Not to sound conceited but I get lots of matches and 3/4 irons have said I stood out because I don’t use filters, have photos of me doing stuff e.g on a boat, with my horse etc.

I didn’t use any filters at all, and had a range of photos (including a full length one that showed that I’m thin). I still didn’t really get many matches. Obviously I managed to find someone I like, but it wasn’t because I had loads of choice. I was just lucky to find someone I actually liked.

Mostly I came to the conclusion that I am really just not what the majority of men in this area are looking for. I did know this before I started but it confirmed it.

You definitely do get kind of geographically variable OLD experiences. My friend and I compared our two areas and the men available were super different overall, as was what they were looking for. It’s hard to do anything about that though, other than accepting that you’ll appeal to fewer people.

I did try extending my search area, but worked out that I just wasn’t willing to try to meet up with people who lived more than 10 miles from me. I did find that I got much more interest from a city 90mins on the train from here (that I used to live in) but I live here so that’s no use.

Leather I don’t use filters, I get loads of messages and matches and a lot of people comment about my photos having no filters, just a shame most of the messages I get are from people I don’t find atractive, too old or live too far away. I don’t understand why people use filters, they drive me nuts, I even see men using them .

Crustaceans I have the same problem. It appears I don't appeal to local men.
If I widen my search area then I spoilt for choice. But only if I'm prepared to travel 25+ miles, which I can't do.
I also appear to be very attractive to blokes in their mid thirties. I'm 51!

But my friend in her early 40s has no end of men lining up to date her. But all of them are older than her. She never gets a match that is younger.

OLD is so fickle.

@Leatherandsilk No I don't use any filters at all. All my photos are very clear too. I don't have any full body ones though (cos I just don't have any). I've also had messages on POF such as 'you're a rare beauty on here' , as well as the rude ones. Not that I believe anything these cut and pasters say haha. Its good advice though, maybe I need more photos of me 'doing stuff' as most of mine are from social occasions. If I ever decide to go back on, I'll try that angle.
@Unique1986 you're probably right as most of the guys who had right swiped me on Bumble were from out of the area. However, I only get every other weekend free so wasn't sure this was practical.

I'm early forties and mostly get 30 to 40s with a few slightly older ones. The young ones very rarely interest me at all though, they are mostly looking for a hook up, but I'd consider one if that's what I was in the mood for. But they are mostly very pretty boys, gym bunnies etc and while I can see that they are attractive, I don't fancy them.

And lots of truly ugly ones too I should say. Proper 2 out of 10s with terrible fuzzy pictures at odd angles and urinals in the background of the ones that leave their mums basements... I'm not stunning but I can do better than that. Nice normal looking people are fine for me.

Interesting about distance, is not thought of it. Of the four I’ve had a thing with, three have been over 40 minutes away. Only one has been (relatively) local and I only saw him four times. I can’t imagine what it would be like dating someone down the road. A bit too close to home TBH - I think I like the distance. But why I don’t progress with men in my nearby city I have no idea

One of the next door towns is ideal for me I think close enough for a short drive but far enough away that you won't keep bumping into them if it doesn't work out.

Distance already buggers up my results as I have the Severn in my radar - so it throws up people in eg Weston super mare!! If I could fly it might be doable...

I've got Bumble set to a 50 mile radius, and out of the last "consignment" of matches, all of them were that 50 miles away! A couple dropped off the radar, and I think that might have had something to do with it for them. But, you know, where I live, if you draw a big circle with a 50 mile radius, at least half of that is sea! Plus, I'm looking for a specific, arty/ intellectual/ alternative type, so I feel I have to spread the net wide. In addition, I'm pretty independent and enjoy my own company, so would be more than happy with a relationship where I only saw someone a couple of times a month.

Ha beyond, I know the problem! If I set my eBay radius to 100 miles it throws up all kinds of stuff in South Wales! In fact, I know someone who won an auction for a Landrover without checking the location- it was within 100 miles after all....He had an enjoyable weekend driving to Pembrokeshire and back!

I'm not skinny and for ages didn't have a full length pic I'm smaller up top so probably don't look bigger. I actually had guys unmatch me once I sent them a full length pic. I then decided to say fuck it and I put a full length pic up where you can see my figure. In honesty I can't say it changed the number of matches I got. I always got a decent amount of matches I prob could have more but I rarely messaged anyone on Tinder first so if they didn't message me that was that. I agree with girls not just swiping right on every guy. I only swipe right if I find attractive and / or decent profile. I sometimes swipe on the blank pics just for fun. If guys are swiping right on every girl that would explain the imbalance. Most guys I've met have 5 or so matches maybe less. I would have more than this at any given time. I'm not on OLD just now as was not swiping for January and if I'm very lucky I may not need to go back on. I have 2 dates planned with McDreamy during the rest of the month and by then it will be 7 weeks and 5 dates so it will either progress or not by then.

Oh and for me I found planning the DTD on the second date in advance made for an explosive date each time, and subsequently. I think they were each a bit stunned at how decided and assertive I was, but frankly I had pissed around and wasted so much time in a moribund marriage, I wasn’t going to waste my time. It could be said that each guy has been initially ‘just sex’ I suppose, but for me - and them - that was clear at the start. And it didn’t stop things developing into something more with two of them (though I don’t know what...)

The distance thing is a pain most decent guys I met lived miles away to make it feasible. One Iron lives about 40 mins away and he happily drove to me. McDreamy lives in same town as me which was good this morning 🤣🤣🤣 but it does throw up other problems like not leaving the house like a tramp when going to Tesco and yes if it doesn't work bumping into him!

My last relationship from pof (june till October) was a guy who lived in my quite largish village. Fab,i thought. After the initial month of trying to keep him away from younger son,i saw him every eve as he popped in after work but slowly it got to the stage where I was feeding him about five times a week(he was a really fussy git so that stressed me out). After two months he was hinting about moving in,it was far too much!! He was in a lot of debt which I only found out after a few months and I just felt exhausted by it all.

I've never dated someone over 10miles away as I can't really get out in the eves so they would have to do most of the driving but i'm warming to the idea. I do love my eves on my own,so twice a week would suit!

Jesus user, that sounds like an absolute nightmare!

The last person I went out with was in my nearest town, 5 miles away, and he had a LOT more spare time than me, and would put pressure on me to spend every child free minute with him, and also pressured me into letting him meet my kids earlier than I would have liked. Ditto the one before that.

That's probably why the idea of quite a big physical distance seems quite attractive to me!

@DogDayMorning I found mine was pleasantly surprised that I'd decided on DTD on the second date too. But I figured we might as well get that awkward first one out of the way really, and I had also been long married and was looking forward to a bonk tbh.

It wasn't great or terrible. And as a plan it worked for me. We practiced more since which helped but I'm not catching feelings really. He's nice but...

I’ve mostly lived in cities or immediately outside them. So that would definitely help with the not bumping into people all the time thing. I can imagine it’s trickier in small towns and villages.

For me twice a month is perfect, and a good distance too. My independence has been hard won, and some guy being able to pop in and trample on it does not suit. In the end I suppose I just don’t want a proper relationship, whatever that is

In the end I suppose I just don’t want a proper relationship, whatever that is

I think this might also be part of what makes things so hard. There are so many different ways a relationship might look or work these days that it can be harder to find someone you like who likes you and who is looking for what you are. And that’s probably true whatever you’re looking for, whether it’s someone to marry or someone to see twice a month and definitely not marry.

Obviously it’s much better that people can have relationships that suit them rather than the rigidity of past eras, but it does reduce anyone’s pool somewhat.

I think a lot of women of my age (late 30s nearly 40) or older aren’t looking for a new (hopefully improved) version of the standard relationships they’ve managed to get out of. I know several women who are just unwilling to live with anyone (other than their children) again and want something that works around their contact arrangements for the kids. But they’ve complained that they only seem to attract men looking for substitute housekeepers wives.

Thought this was appropriate

Strike through failure there. 😆

Hi all, I love this thread. I posted a week ago after my first week of dating/being out in the dating world. (I am not OLD as I am too scared and just don't think I'd be able to do it).

So last Saturday a guy named T introduced himself to me in a café and we exchanged numbers then went for a date on Sunday which was really nice. Went out again on Thursday evening and again today. He seems great and I really enjoy his company.

And I had a cinema date yesterday with J. who I had dinner with last Friday but I came down with a horrible fever and had to postpone for this Wednesday.

Also still messaging N.

Good luck to everyone with their adventures - stay happy and stay safe.

wishy