Dating thread 145: new year new adventures

[Notcoolmum]

apparentlyacatch I’m sorry to be such a mum but please don’t invite men round to your house in the first date. You are putting yourself in a v vulnerable position. These men are strangers and you know nothing more about them than what they have chosen to tell you.

He now knows where you live, what possessions you have, seen pictures of your kids, your car, where you put your keys etc.

So 3rd date tonight with Mr S and we are totally DTD! Excited and nervous!!

Thanks to everyone offering to review my profile, I'm happy to send the link to whoever wants it. Honestly though, I've had plenty of feedback from kind people on here already, with the general consensus that it's decent. I'm not sure there is a magic formula anymore for getting lots of matches.

I think the geographical variation is real. I live in the south, but over the past month I've had to do a bit of travelling, to Manchester and the Midlands. I've ended up getting matches in those areas I was just passing through, opposed to my home area where women won't even look at me.

My "date" (potential fwb) went ok, nice bloke, easy to talk to, I will definitely meet him again for a drink and a chat, whether it'll go further I'm not sure. He's the first man I've met who looked older than his photos and I was a bit disappointed. That said, we had a kiss and cuddle and it was nice, so I'm keeping an open mind, I'll meet him again and see how the mood takes me.

Just to add, he's only looking for a fwb so I'm not leading him on.

I texted D last night saying we clearly wanted different things (hadn’t heard from him in a week), so we should leave it. He replied saying “don’t give up on me” & that he’s been unwell & away with work. He has apologised, esp after I pointed out it only took a minute to send a text when I said he had to make it up to me, he asked “what do you want?” Men are useless! Told him to work that out. He’s back Weds, so might see him this week.

Well Friday didn't go so well. He was dull. Never been to a concert and only went abroad on holiday last year for the first time. No interesting hobbies etc.
But, I've found a new iron! Supposed to be seeing him Weds. This is one in the category of 'less attractive' than I'd normally go for. He hasn't got much hair but he's slim/fit and so interesting. .

I totally understand that @shitwithsugaron. It’s a really sensible (and realistic) way of looking at things. And very similar to how my friends feel about it; they’ve got different reasons and motivations to you but they really value their independence and want to protect it. It took my mum a long time (c.15 years) to live with her partner (of 25 years now) for similar reasons.

Tbh, after my shocking relationship, I value my independence. I’m so glad that I did have the ability to get my own mortgage and not to require anyone else’s money (although it would help if ex could be reliable about paying maintenance).

I did initially think that I’d never live with anyone and certainly wouldn’t pool finances with anyone again. But I’ve been thinking again about that and I’d feel happy about doing that with the BF at some point down the road. But with these things there’s no telling; you just have to wait and see (which is a song lyric 😆).

It sounds like you have some really good plans. I went through university (3 degrees of it 😆) with DS1. He was only a baby when I went back. It’s hard but it was worthwhile.

Boring is really terminal for any possibility of attraction @TooOldForThis67. Hope the new iron is better.

He sounds frustrating Dusty.

Totally get that, shitwithsugar - I'm on UC too. Had to change from ESA/housing benefit when separated so there was enough stress there, I'm not looking to bugger the whole thing up again without very good reason!!

Also a single mum but not on UC /tax credits etc but the idea of living with someone again does not appeal at all. They would have to be extremely special for me to even consider it.

@Crustaceans ughhhhhh. I’m ready for a conversation & if no changes, I’m out. Either show me you’re keen, or don’t waste my time. I’m too old!

dusty surely that’s your opportunity to be open, honest and straightforward? Tell him what you want, he’s not a mind-reader. And ask him what he wants.

shit you have it together! My DC are adults and I’m financially independent (and a lot more secure since offloading XH at last) but money is still a big issue when contemplating a relationship: pensions, property, whether DC will be a burden even though adult, inheritance, caring responsibilities for elderly parents. I can’t even begin to contemplate joining up with someone again. As my dad said when I told him I was divorcing: you’re better off just paddling your own canoe. Though he might have been talking about sex as well, I suppose. He probably was actually.

Really disappointed that Mr Parrot doesn’t seem that interested, I really fancy him (he’s pretty fit) but messaging is so slow and conversation is pretty basic and boring, I’m meant to be meeting him in a couple weeks but I don’t think it will happen.

I’m having the wobbles about starting a FWB thing with Mr Mini too, he’s supposed to be coming to mine next weekend for a bit of fun. I kind of promised myself (new year resolution) that I wouldn’t do FWB or hook ups and that I would wait until I found someone I wanted to be in a relationship with but I have a high sex drive and I could be waiting years to find “the one”. What do I do?

POF and Tinder are frustrating me, lots of messages but no one interesting.

Morning everyone! update from me....the guy I have been getting to know deleted his profile yesterday. Said he is only interested in getting to know me and really likes me and from what he's seen of me so far would like a long term relationship. He says he understands it's still early days but feels certain he has found what he was looking for. I've always wanted someone to delete their profile for me. hahaha. He honestly does seem too good to be true, but he makes me laugh and i can be 100% myself. I don't think I have felt like this before...I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but it's nice to be dating someone who i'm 100% attracted too and someone who is very intentional about what they want from me. It has only been a 3/4 weeks now since we started talking but I felt like this from early last week, but didn't tell him obviously, it was really good to hear him say all the things I was already thinking. Only time will tell I suppose, but so far he definitely feels like something special.

Also, I'm no longer paranoid about moving too fast, I'm happy with the pace things are going and I feel relaxed about it all. My mind is at ease and that's all I've wanted in the past and never got it.

@TooOldForThis67 Sorry your date didnt go well. Hopefully the next one will be better. I find it strange when someone says they have never really travelled! Very odd.

@Crustaceans quite inspiring to hear that you got a mortgage on your own, I would love to do the same one day as I am a single mum too. Good on you!

@Lovemusic33 Maybe try Bumble or OKCupid? Might have more luck. Also if he isn't responding as much as you'd like then it'd be good to have a distraction to help you forget baout him.

re. FWB it doesn't sound like you are ready, you dont want to end up getting hurt if it's not really what you want. DIY?

Morning all.

Wed date guy still hasnt replied to my read message. I'm not chasing. I'll just assume date not going ahead and I now have a free childfree night available

Still actively chatting to the 2 I'm keen on and whilst both have indicated they want to meet up no firm plans have been made yet.

Had another on tinder start messaging and he's asked for my number today to WhatsApp later so I've given it

I am struggling with feelings regarding chatting with more than one. I know I'm doing nothing wrong etc but it just feels so odd to me as I haven't really flirted and stuff for the past 21 years (plus 2 single I guess) so now to be juggling conversations etc is alien. It's just me, I'm sure I'll get used to it.

Hey all. I've had some highs and lows this last weekend haha. First one - handsome guy in pics. Met for coffee....Face still handsome but his body language and way he spoke was just way off. So, didn't meet again.
Second one - we were going to meet sat night so i scheduled a call with him on fri. It was stilted and I thought - do I really want to spend my sat night in a stilted situation - so I texted very politely to say I didn't think we were a match. He turned into an utter bastard. It ended with him calling women whores and users. So that was fun.

Third one - i'd slept with him once in the summer but we just never hooked up again. Matched with him on Tinder on fri....we sent some messages back and forth. The next day (Sat) he texted me and it got very HOT. Went round in my most vampish outfit and had mindblowing sex. Hung out a while on sunday and then he drove me home. I haven't asked him what he's looking for really.....I know i'm looking for fun and good company....I suspect he's the same? Hard to know. For now i'm not asking and just seeing what happens next.

@Dog exactly. I think I’m a mind reader & know what he wants! We can have an open conversation & see. When we’re together we can talk about anything, so I know we’ll at least both say what we want.

Help, I will look at bumble, I have been on there before but struggled to find anyone near by.
I have had many FWB before, I just kind of wanted to stay away from that kind of set up and find someone to settle down with, sex is much better if it is meaningful but then a part of me thinks I should be having fun whilst waiting for the right one. I don’t think there’s any chance of me getting hurt with this guy as he’s really not my type (quite immature and we have nothing in common).

I re joined the gym today, there’s always a chance I migh find someone there but I doubt it as it seems to be mainly older people there when I go (unless I start going at weekends).

Another query with OLD. I seem to get involved with emotionally unavailable women fairly regularly on there. I now think my recent thing with the girl who ended with me last week was emotionally unavailable as I noticed over the weekend that she updated her 'looking for' section on Bumble to 'don't know', previously she hadn't filled that part in and I know she came out of a serious relationship at the beginning of last year. Plus obviously I had that thing with my ex last year who was on a massive rebound from her divorce.

I know it's usually men who are perceived as being emotionally unavailable but are there just as many women who are but perhaps don't really know they are when they get into OLD?

I mean is it possible that some people go on the apps, have a few dates with someone they click with and then suddenly something hits them that says they aren't really ready? I wish I could filter these before dating them.

rich I absolutely think that is the case, but I really don't know how you can filter them out. I think most on here would like to know the answer to that one!

I think I might have to be more up front about asking them what they are looking for. I don't want to ask on the date itself about their history with ex's, etc really though. The girl I dated recently went through what sounded like a tough breakup involving a house sale, living on friends sofas for 6 months and that kind of thing but I didn't hear too much about it until a few dates in when I started getting attached. I didn't ask too much about it but she said she has only just started OLD on Bumble fairly recently as she said she only felt ready having now moved into her own place.

I just wonder if after the 7 dates we had in such a short amount of time and then me asking where we stood after she went quiet for a few days caused that emotional unavailability to come out.

It sounds like she was processing things and hadn't understood her own position fully. Maybe take things slower next time and yes, gently try to establish where you both are on the page before starting a physical relationship.

Rich the problem is perhaps they don’t know, as you just described me. I don’t know what I’m looking for, right now I’d say dates and fun, but would I want to restrict it to just that if the “one” came along? I went out with someone for 3 months and it was only when he started pushing on wanting to meet the kids (move in in future!) that I thought “holy fuck no”.

But that was him, will it be the same with the next? Who knows. I think a lot of people are in the same place at my age (41).

On another note can you STOP me please? Had a date 2 wks ago with Mr Devesatated. Really liked him and the physics connection was intense. He then said he wasn’t sure and bowed out, then he recontacted (I left it) and I think was after FWB. Then went AWOL again. So I, a couple of days ago messaged and he jumped straight on it (he definitely likes me), but I basically said “the fuck buddy skin isn’t for me”, and we left it happily and I deleted everything.

Only now I’m in his neck of the woods (he’d called it based on distance, I’m only here once a week and he wants a relationship, so do I, we are 3hrs apart), and I have CHANGED MY MIND.

I want to see him! Even if it’s FWB we’d be amazing together. But I deleted his number , can I linked in him, admit my strop and ask him if he’d like Miss Geographically inconvenient while he seeks someone local?