Dating thread 145: new year new adventures

[Notcoolmum]

apparentlyacatch I’m sorry to be such a mum but please don’t invite men round to your house in the first date. You are putting yourself in a v vulnerable position. These men are strangers and you know nothing more about them than what they have chosen to tell you.

He now knows where you live, what possessions you have, seen pictures of your kids, your car, where you put your keys etc.

So 3rd date tonight with Mr S and we are totally DTD! Excited and nervous!!

Glad you’re OK, @TooOldForThis67. In fact, not just OK but great.

Should a woman choose a man less attractive than her that she can find attractive through mental connection and that leads to his adoration?

I’m not sure it’s quite as simple as that. Finding one you like and find attractive is bloody hard enough without then deciding to reject them on the basis that they’re too attractive and might not properly appreciate you or be grateful enough for your interest in them 😆.

Oh @scotgal2017. I’m sorry you’re so upset. Your STBEX is an arsehole messing with your emotions like that (even if it doesn’t have his desired effect, it’s not good for you).

I think it’s easy to panic and think you’ll always be alone. 39, nearly 40 is not old. Really it’s not. It’s just not easy to find someone who is right for you and there is no point whatsoever in bothering if they’re not right.

We’ve both had abusive relationships with men who didn’t love us. My ex never loved me and in the end he pretty much convinced me that I was unloveable. But he was (is) wrong. So very wrong.

I think your dad’s example isn’t helping you. But that will have been a choice of some kind. If he’d wanted to, he could have found someone. It doesn’t mean you’ll always be alone. It really doesn’t.

And Mr Italy is an arsehole. You deserve better than that (and you know it).

Should a woman choose a man less attractive than her that she can find attractive through mental connection and that leads to his adoration?

I don't think it works like that. I have found unattractive men capable of being total cunts too.

I go for personality above everything, however would draw the line at someone I found genuinely unattractive (for me that's the King Edward potato look; typically bald, overweight, red faced and usually wearing a fleece).

The last few people I've matched with, however, have been more attractive than me, and so far it's come to nowt. But that feels better than being rejected by someone that I felt I was stooping to conquer!

Also, yes scotsgal....stay away from Mr Italy! maybe fate is trying to tell you that you should go to Italy, or that there's another Italian man in the pipeline! (in which case God save you, I've lived in Italy and have a low opinion of the calibre of its male population).

oh scotgal, you will be ok. None of these men are right for you,maybe delete off all apps for a week or two and start again. You went away before Christmas on your own so you know you're independent and will be ok.

I'm off pof again,deleted it as wasn't getting anywhere. This is going to be a year of being independent and brave so am currently googling London and how to use a tube and going to be brave and go next Saturday on the train(always been with partners but no idea on my own! scary!)

oh...and my mum always said it's better 'to be the adored than do the adoring' in a relationship' !? She is still married to my dad but not sure there is anything in that

scotgal I understand that feeling of I'll always be alone'. It may be time to take a break from OLD? It takes one person to be your 'one' but the way OLD works is the whole kissing a helluva lot of frogs

Get rid of Mr Italy, unless you can develop an easy breezy attitude to him, and be very, very kind to yourself.

I have to feel physically attracted to someone, but don't find conventionally good looking men attractive - it is more personality (that quick, dry wit that I find so hot!), kindness and intelligence that does it for me. We can't judge our own attractiveness so I don't know if I'm aiming high or low!! I don't look my age and once had a date where the guy kept saying he didn't believe I was 52 Ot was like Sesame Street - this date has been brought to you by the numbers 5 and 2

@TooOld how was the date?

@Stubborn King Edward Potato 😂

I don’t know about ‘choosing’ someone less attractive than you - it implies you have a range to select from, which may not realistically be the case, and that you have a clue how attractive you are. You can only do what feels right and authentic and that suits the other person too. I do quite like the idea of being the adored though, if that means holding back just a bit more than the other person does

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time scotgal. I agree Mr Italy doesn't seem right for you and I think the way he is treating you is denting your confidence.

As for dating someone less attractive than yourself - I too have a friend that gives similar advice. I don't generally just go for classically good looking men anyway - so who knows.

Am still actively chatting with 2 I am very interested in. Haven't heard much from the one I'm supposed to be meeting wed night and he's ignored a message from yesterday (read it though) and he's been on WhatsApp so I think he may have noticed how much I am on (I was chatting with one until 2am last night) and got the hump.

I don't think I've ever rated my own attractiveness so I wouldn't know who was more or less attractive 😳
I know what I like and what I don't so just go with that.
I don't want a man to be in awe of me or adore me just because I'm 'more attractive' than him. That seems weird and egotistical. A good looking person soon becomes unattractive if they have a crap personality, that's far more important to me.

@crappyday2018

I think my post came across wrong - you didn't say you were gorgeous but what I was trying to say is that gorgeous people would never admit to being gorgeous, they would just say they were alright looking which is what you have done so that's why I assume that actually you are better than just good looking.

My best friend is amazingly beautiful, guys fall at her feet but she only sees herself as pretty.

Apparently to lure men in even cat fish put up good profiles.....

I think its been discussed previously about men above 40 setting their sights on younger women rather than women their own age, I guess its one last fling for them and they don't care that it might not lead to anything serious.

Plus we all know men swipe right on nearly everyone and then sift later depending on who replies, men apparently have it hard as women have so much choice (more than 1 guy I've met has told me this and I think someone else on here mentioned it also)

God, its a minefield!!!

Thanks guys, I know Mr Italy isn't right and I think it soon come to ahead and be over, not that there is actually anything. I never message him first but I reply when he does. I don't get butterflies in my stomach when I think about him or look at his photo. I really don;t know what the pull is towards him, maybe it's because there was a chemistry there when we met in person. I was trying to forget him but as I say everything (and I mean there was at least one thing everyday) that was related to Italy and it was FFS really?? then he contacted me again out of the blue so i gave it a chance.

It's been a stressful week at work and it just hit me that I have no-one to tell about it, no-one to give me a cuddle and say it'll be better tomorrow. i'm ok with being single, independent and on my own.....i've been doing it for most of my life (STBXH was useless and away a lot so pretty much felt like a single mum anyway). i'm 110% fantastic at being on my own......but now i've had time to heal I don't want to be on my own. i know you have to kiss a lot of frogs on OLD but i can't seem to catch any frogs to commit to even coffee never mind anything else lol.

Neverexpected airplane mode is your friend for that, I flick mine onto it, read and reply to the message and then off WA again before turning airplane mode off. I figure that way I’m not shown online too much.

Scot I get you, I’ve done the totally no dating thing to heal from emotionally abusive end of marriage, and then the just sex thing. But it’s like I’m all better now and while life is sorted and I am totally independent, I’ve chosen that I have all my love to give and be returned now so suddenly being “alone” and unable to give that love to someone feels lonely x

@SortingItOut oh don't worry I wasn't offended. I would just hate to come across as vain because I'm quite the opposite. In fact, all this OLD disappointment is having a negative affect on my self-esteem.
You're totally right though, most men do swipe right on most women and don't even look at their full profiles. Then they decide whether to message or reply. That then makes me think 'they've looked at my profile properly and decided I wasn't good enough'.
I even stupidly paid for the extra Bumble account which shows who swipes right. Most of those guys are nowhere near me.
So, I've decided when that runs out tonight I'm deleting everything and leaving it for a good few months this time.
Hope everyone else is having more luck x

Thanks leather I'll give that a go

@scotgal2017

Crying is good for the soul and we should do more of it.
I say that but when I cry I am so embarrassed as I've never been a crier.

I split from my husband at the end of April after a shit 17 years of marriage, he treated me appallingly but I stayed for our daughter and because he threatened to kill himself each time.

I never cried throughout our marriage even though he broke my heart loads of times but at the end of September I told him I would be filing for divorce and that tipped me over the edge - I think it was the fact that all my plans and dreams had gone out of the window and my future was unknown.
It didn't help that he would bombard me with messages about getting back together and sending me links to sad songs.

I spent a week crying, usually alone in the evenings but once on an FB (embarrassing!!)and twice with my best friend.
I felt much better afterwards and even now I can cry at small things - relationships are such a rollercoaster.

I know what you mean about telling people you have had a shit day, I'm lucky in that I have a few FB's, one of which messages every day so we often have a good bitch about our days. - its funny what we miss.

I'm all for Mr Italy being told to go where the sun doesn't shine. I hate flakey guys, I've chatted to loads over the last few months and I'm sure some just want the ego boost and never actually want to meet.

@Scotgal2017 I'm in the same place as you. However, I think I need more time alone before I got back to OLD now. I don't think I've had enough time to be happy on my own yet. Split with ex (of 17 years) nearly 2 years ago but after about 10 months I had an 8 month relationship (ended last summer).
I would like a man in my life but sometimes I think its more about my age and getting older and panicking it might be too late.
I try to have the right attitude to OLD and not be offended or affected by what men do, but its hard and I still find myself feeling bad.

@Neverexpected2

You need to change your privacy settings - if you go to settings, then account, then privacy and click on 'Last seen' - change that to Nobody and then no one can see when you have been on.
Downside to that is you cant see when they have been on but I'm not fussed about that.

Or if you're really fussed you could do the above and when you want to check on someone you change it to Everybody, check when they were last on and then change back to Nobody!!!

Turn off your last seen in WA then you can’t see when they’ve last been (reduce investment) and they can’t see when you have been (reduce bumpiness). Then what happens is between you and them via proper communication not speculation. Only effective for tinder though as no lay seen etc on that.

Sorry about note form, travelling

So today I was feeling annoyed that I'm always the person to initiate conversation with my irons. Well, it feels like it, though they do sometimes I guess. Anyway, then my (scarily prescient) email horoscope said this:
"In terms of your personal life, the vacillation of those around you is getting to you today, dear friend. The Lovers hold sway in the emotional sphere today, revealing hesitant and somewhat fickle behavior on the part of your nearest and dearest. All this is very unsettling for you, to the point that where certain people are concerned, you feel as if you’re getting nowhere, as neither of you has faith in the other. A word of advice: ignore your doubts and try to communicate"

So I've sent each a first message for today

I totally understand the loneliness - I have no one to tell either the crappy things or the funny little things to. Was supposed to meeting one of my adult DCs today for coffee, but they woke up feeling crappy so it's cancelled. Not to be deterred, I've wrapped up warm (it's bloody freezing) and am now sitting in a lovely little cafe with a latte. On my own I have my phone and a magazine ... and a window seat so I can people watch. But still ....

I have a rather odd living situation at the moment which makes me quite stressed, but it will be changing for the better in the spring so I'm trying to make plans and look forward. I told myself I'd have 3 or 4 months before OLD again too. Trying to build up my boundaries and confidence. I think we're all in a similar boat ...

@user1466 have a fab time in London next weekend! I live and work in London, and despite what people may say, we're quite friendly and happy to give directions/help with the tube, particularly on Saturday when most of us aren't rushing to work. What do you plan to do? I often take myself off to the National Gallery to have a mooch around. Not managed to pick up a hot single man interested in art yet, but a girl can try !!

I included ms storm (mentioned waaay upthread) in my "send a message first" this morning, and she is being very flirty rather than friendly ("just looking for friends"). Hmm...