Dating thread 145: new year new adventures

[Notcoolmum]

apparentlyacatch I’m sorry to be such a mum but please don’t invite men round to your house in the first date. You are putting yourself in a v vulnerable position. These men are strangers and you know nothing more about them than what they have chosen to tell you.

He now knows where you live, what possessions you have, seen pictures of your kids, your car, where you put your keys etc.

So 3rd date tonight with Mr S and we are totally DTD! Excited and nervous!!

Panic over. My date has confirmed that tonight is still happening.
I find it weird when someone sets up a date then you don't hear from them again. Although it has meant I haven't felt the need to try and keep the texting going.

Listening to Worst dates podcast on Radio 1. Interesting to hear that your people have similar problems to use oldies

@MyOldBrainStoppedWorking okay good! Hope it goes well.

Ah that's good to hear, hope it goes well!
I'll probably find OLD tough when I start, I'm too impatient and blunt

Maybe he just wanted to hint that he likes you enough that he hopes/plans to still be seeing you in 2 months to tell you something, @helpmeoutout. It sounds like it’s going well.

My own OLD experience was that I just knew when I’d met someone who was right. He did too. We chatted for about 2 weeks before meeting due to awkward schedules (he was away for work) but I very quickly had a sense that this one was different. I’m not sure what it was but my previous OLD interactions really felt like going through the motions.

In fact, I quite vividly remember waiting for him on our first date feeling very nervous (I turned up stupidly early just in case something went wrong with getting there 😆) really nervous and thinking, ‘if I fancy him in person and he’s like he is in messages, there’s a very real chance I’ll end up falling in love with him’. I was right. Obviously I didn’t tell him this though!

I’m pretty sure the above broke several rules. But I did try to be sensible and go with rules 3 and 4. Especially 4. Luckily it turned out not to be bullshit.

Glad the panic is over @MyOldBrainStoppedWorking. Hope the date goes well.

Hi All,

I have a question/general wondering type thing after things didn't work out with the recent girl I was seeing. I have gone on other forums to ask what might have gone wrong and it seems that this might be where I fall down a lot - due to having no clue about the psychology of it. I am wondering if perhaps I do act too keen when I meet someone. My problem being that if I am keen then I do wear my heart on my sleeve and don't play games, I'm the type that is going to respond to texts pretty much straight away and be up front about wanting to see the person.

From what I am hearing though it's completely the wrong way to go about it and in the early stages of dating you do have to play some games and try and act indifferent. Unfortunately this really isn't in my nature though :( I was able to see the recent girl fairly regularly because we were both off work and live close by to each other plus I really did like her. Also I have read that anxiety can breed attraction and to be honest you can see it on this forum with a 'will he/won't he text' type comments. I know a lot of women say that they do want guys to be reliable, up-front, no games, etc but is this a case of saying what you want is completely different to what you actually want - I have lots of female friends and often ask for their advice when I am dating someone but it seems every piece of advice they give works against me, for example with this recent girl, I was told by a couple of friends to not play games, text and see her when I want and all the things along those lines but it seemed to kill the attraction which ultimately led to me getting the usual 'want to be friends but don't see anything romantic' text.

Here's some of the comments I've had from other forums that have made me think a bit:

Too much contact early on. You didn't give her a chance to actually fall for you because there was no mystery; she knew you liked her, she knew there was no one else in the picture with how much time you spent together. Those moments when you're apart and she thinks about you (i wonder what he's doing. I wonder if he'll call. I wonder if he likes me) are gold. The less she knows about you early on the more she'll think of you.

You spent way way way too much time together right at the beginning. The first date should be maybe 2 hours and then part ways. It is important that you leave while she still wants to see a little more of you. That makes her miss you and it primes the desire for the 2nd date. You should only see each other once a week for the first few dates. Anticipation needs to get built up. Instead you acted like a married couple on the first date,...very bad move. You didn't part ways until she had "had enough" of you for the moment and went home (probably emotionally exhausted). This could also be a very big factor in getting friend zoned.

I don't know rich, it sounds like crap to me. In the end you can only be who you are, authentically YOU. Do you think you can play games? There's no point playing them if you can't play them well.

Rich I think being overly keen can be a turn off, but only if it’s suffocating.

For me, the game playing, I hate, I might be emotionally more engaged with it (like Mr Fuckwit who right now has reeled me in and then gone quiet), but it’s not a good feeling, I just feel upset, pissed odd and disengaged. And even if I were to continue (if he comes back) I would never trust and therefore never give everything of myself. Would you want that? The games but not the heart of a person?

Just be you and the right person will come along x

Rich I am not sure that I agree with the comments you have recieved. I have recently come out of a relationship that started on OLD and had chance to reflect on it. I was always waiting to see when he would text in the morning - I knew he would text but just didnt know when. He would be on instagram/ facebook very early then not text me until later. He would also make plans very last minute at the beginning and thinking back, I was just kept waiting and wondering. It caused so much anxiety, which I don't feel was necessary.

I have seen one guy from Bumble a few times this week (I am late 20's and he is early 30's, no children) so we do have a lot more time but it is completely different. Plans are discussed and made in advance - even if its just the night before. He texts me regularly throughout the day but its not too often and its not love-bomby either.

It is very early days but I feel so much less anxious this time.

I agree that you just have to be authentically you. Playing games is not necessary and you need to attract someone who likes you just way you are.

My BF did not play any games at all. In fact, he did pretty much the opposite of what you’ve been advised. He just straightforwardly told me that he liked me. Really liked me. I was glad he did and found it really nice, especially as I liked him too.

Other people would find that awful. I can remember my friend (who saw lots of our early messages) telling me that my BF may be the least cool man on the planet. She said she’d probably like someone who was a bit (a lot) less keen to make it clear that he liked her. But I found getting messages saying ‘just so you know, I really like you’ endearing.

rich just be yourself, if someone doesn’t lie it then they are not for you. I have dated men that are pretty full on from the start, sometimes it has scared me away other times not, I think it depends how much you like each other. People should be honest with each other and just say what they are looking for and say if things are going too fast.i hate game playing, I’m tired of it, tired of guessing if someone likes me, tired of guessing if someone is seeing someone else and tired of not knowing if someone has the intentions of starting a relationship (or if they just want a fuck buddy), so my advice is to just be yourself.

I've never had a successful relationship with anybody online that's told me they liked me within the first week or first meet because I just know that they don't really know me and either they want to get into bed or they are completely in a bubble and in fantasy land.
I would probably say if I had to have an ideal time, within say 4 or 5 dates absolutely no problem with someone saying that they think we've got a good connection, even if we just had 4 dinners or a few easy-going dates.
It really depends on the person as far as whether they text in the morning or the evening at the end of the day. If I know I'm arranging to meet them at the weekend I really do not have to have daily texts because some people just don't have that kind of inkling to be texting someone throughout the day and also there isn't a massive need before your boyfriend and girlfriend.

Thanks guys, I guess I'm just a bit despondent after having so many dates in such a short amount of time with this woman and seemingly everything was going well. She seemed keen, we seemed to get on and had chemistry but then all of a sudden she hit me with the 'just want to be friends' thing so I wondered if the reason I constantly seem to get nowhere with dating is due to the fact that I am genuine, don't like to play games and I will make it clear with someone that I like them.

It got me thinking about the psychology of it all and how some thing do seem to attract women - obviously the obvious ones... being indifferent, being hard to get, treat them mean keep them keen, not being too available, etc etc. I never had much luck with women in my 20s and early 30s but hoped as I got older the things that I might be able to offer might be something some one else would want but it doesn't seem to be the case and from what I see and hear still have to do all this nonsense which just is not me or in my nature.

@richdeniro - just be yourself. Obviously if you’re completely blowing up someone’s phone then it’s different, or ‘I’m bored’ type stuff. I like when you meet someone and you don’t feel worried about texting or saying something that you find funny.

If it’s not in your nature, don’t do it. There are women who are right for you, it may just take a while to find one. As my mum would say: what for you won’t go past you. 😁

As @unique1986‘s post shows, we all have different likes and dislikes in relation to dating approaches. What works for one person won’t work for everyone. And as @Lovemusic33 says, it is very much dependent on the particular person and whether you like them too. Having someone you aren’t interested in tell you that they really like you can bring out that weird childish thing where you felt almost disgusted if a boy liked you. But it can feel sweet and lovely if you like them, and it feels like just how that person is.

All you can do is be yourself and see what happens. There are definitely women out there who will really like you, as you are and won’t want you to be different. You just need to find them.

@richdeniro that all sound bollocks to me in all honesty
I genuinely have no time for game playing and I never got as far as the whole 'will he/ won't he' thing as if they didn't, then I moved onto the next!
Being needy and suffocating is different to showing you're keen though (I've experienced both) I never doubted that my now BF was keen, but he respected how busy I am and never pushed. He just made it clear that he'd make time whenever I wanted. There was certainly no love bombing (we've only just said the l word to each other recently after 6 months of being together) but neither was there any doubt of whether he liked me.

At the end of the day, you can only be you. Don't pretend to be something you're not.

To add my voice to the others, rich, don't play games. I have no time for that sort of nonsense and lose respect very quickly for an adult man pratting about like that. That sort of behavious used to make me quite cutting and 'cool' in any exchanges. One man told me after a good first date that 'he might' want to see me again. I assume he was hoping for me to play the 'pick me' game. I just replied 'suit yourself, I'm multi dating ....'. He tried to back pedal but I wasn't interested in him after that.

Be true to yourself, don't smother/become stalkery, is my advice.

Being needy and suffocating is different to showing you're keen though

Definitely. And it’s very obvious which one it actually is.

Love bombing can be harder to spot, but it’s just not the same thing as being straightforward and letting someone know you like them.

Just be yourself. It’s all any of us can do.

I definitely wasn't suffocating, I got the impression she wasn't much of a texter anyway and so we messaged each other maybe once day but towards the end that stopped so I just had a sixth sense something was wrong which was why I eventually had to call her out on it and let her know how I felt.

I guess she just wasn't as into me as she made out in the beginning and something else caused her to lose interest. I suspect she started chatting to someone else on Bumble as I did notice her location on there started to change whereas it remained static for the first couple of weeks after we first met.

I keep going over things as I have a habit to and the only thing that seemed to be off-putting was that I offered to walk her home after I cooked her a meal at my place after we'd spent half an hour kissing on the sofa - she seemed a bit put out by that which I found surprising as it was midnight in South London at the time so I wouldn't have it any other way. Maybe she values her independence a lot so it put her off.

@richdeniro i would say continue being yourself. Your approach will suit the right woman for you. As you can see some people seem to like a bit of mystery/uncertainty, it keeps them coming back for more. I much prefer when I know how someone feels baout me, even if it's that they aren't interested. If they are too keen and I'm not, i would be honest and tell them. I really like it when a guy shows interest and I know where I stand.

richdinero I don’t think you did anything wrong. She just didn’t feel it for you. Just like you didn’t feel it for the woman you saw the other month, even though you started off keen.

Chemistry, attraction whatever is a fickle beast.

@richdeniro exactly what @Notcoolmum said. You had your reasons for calling off what had started as a promising few dates with the person you were seeing, she will have had her own reasons just the same.
You can analyse things you've said/ done but the truth is (unless you did something totally mega weird or crazy) none of the trivial little things like offering to walk her home, would matter if she had genuine feelings towards you. They're the kind of things you work past as you get to know someone and learn about them.

Thanks all, I know and it all makes sense. I'm just going to be genuine and be myself - I can't play games and do the whole push-pull psychology tricks. Just isn't me.

rich as above, don't play games. I doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong. Relationships are tricky and while she may have enjoyed the dates you had, she obviously wasn't feeling it enough to continue.

The joys of Dating...

I do find it interesting when people change their mind after 5/6 dates.
That hurts the most as unless you ask you never know why.