Dating thread 145: new year new adventures

[Notcoolmum]

apparentlyacatch I’m sorry to be such a mum but please don’t invite men round to your house in the first date. You are putting yourself in a v vulnerable position. These men are strangers and you know nothing more about them than what they have chosen to tell you.

He now knows where you live, what possessions you have, seen pictures of your kids, your car, where you put your keys etc.

So 3rd date tonight with Mr S and we are totally DTD! Excited and nervous!!

I can't do the games stuff, it's a turnoff for me too - not just being on the receiving end of it but having to do it too. I get the feeling she was trying to ghost me too and if I hadn't called her out she would have hoped it would fizzle out and I would have got the message but in all honesty just wanted to know how she felt about things so I wasn't getting anxious wondering where I stood. I know she is very new to dating apps so perhaps does not know the protocol and actually think that she had no idea how many options she had and so wanted to explore that and had been conversing with another guy on Bumble.

This is what I sent to her after a few days where I didn't hear from her after having made her dinner and she didn't respond to my brief 'How has your Monday been?' type messages:

Hey, is everything okay? Just haven't heard from you in a while. You can be up front with me if you have lost interest. I’d just rather know either way.

Her reply was: Sorry, keep meaning to message back my aunt’s staying at the moment 🙈 I’m getting nothing done. I feel we really get on and connect well which is what I’ve also been having some time to mull over, but I do think it might be more of a friendship forming than a romantic connection on my part.

and I replied to that with: No worries at all and I can imagine it’s busy, hope you’re having a nice time though. Thank you for being honest and to be honest on my part, I do really fancy you and like you quite a bit so don’t think I could be just friends which I hope you understand. If there is still a chance let me know.

It's an awful way to live, having to analyse every damn thing you do. Worrying about whether a text is too soon, not soon enough. Too keen or too casual.
Who needs all that anxiety? I don't think playing games is great either.

All the wretched dating coaches and relationship "experts" don't help either.
I don't know what the answer is but just being yourself seems the most sensible.

Ok everyone. I just matched with some I realised I had a ONS with back in spring (we were both sober enough and spent a long time chatting) . It took me a few moments after matching to realise how I knew him. So I sent a freindly 'hey, almost didn't recognise you, hope you're well' message. He writes back to say he half recognises me...but isn't sure can I remind him please. So I say, it was back in spring we met for one night. He's now asking...where did we go....Is that even remotely plausible he's completely forgotten unless he's actually blind?

Some of them really get about. At least you didn't get "Oh it's you" which I did from a snooty fecker!

rich if she's new to dating apps etc she might have been just finding her feet, then got carried away a bit by you and with you so ended up a bit freaked so pulled back. No fault on either side, both she and you sound lovely but it was the wrong time. I don't think you did anything wrong or should change your game plan. Stepping away is hard but it's what you have to do.

@azzizam - I guess haha. I mean- I was hooking up about the place over summer but I still remember a human face

@Azzizam Tell me about it! My problem is because I know we have met on an app I know they are likely to be talking and meeting other people (especially in London as women have so many options) and so I don't want them to lose interest or even forget about me so feel I have to keep in touch. It's a catch22 as you don't want to come on too strong but at the same time not make them feel they aren't in your thoughts.

rich I think you’ll just know when it’s right. If it’s meant to be people don’t do all this soul searching or asking if it’s too much or too little because they just know. I think when you’re very self aware of your actions and predicting the outcome of what will happen when you do that action is when you need to reign it in. There’s some days I will text mine from the minute I wake up until I sleep, but then we have days where it’s two or three messages - but I in my mind know that’s right because I’m secure in terms of how I feel and how that other person feels too.
I don’t think you need to change any part of your character except maybe don’t be so defeatist or down on yourself so much. Not every girl you meet is going to be the right one for you so don’t try and fit a square peg into a round hole as that’s just months of unhappiness for everyone.

The day you message someone because you want to, and they reply a couple of hours later and you don’t care because you just know they’ll reply and you stop being self aware is when you’ll know it’s the right person for you.

The one I'm sering has been openly keen from the outset and is clear we're exclusive and there's no bullshit or games. I'm finding that really nice, he's not being OTT but I know where I stand.

I don't always reply promptly, we plan the next meet, he's mentioned me to his family but we've not met, for a month ish in its good.

On richs note, how do people stand on calling them out texts?

The date who seemed perfect, then had doubts then managed to reel me back in again has gone suspiciously quiet. From sexting all day and saying he wants to explore this to 4 meaningless 1
Word texts and read but not replied from last night.

I want to give the space if he is busy, and I don’t want to “lose” by chasing but I’m really straight forward and totally invested in him so would like to clear my mind and delete everything. So want to send a “busy or ghosting?” Text to shut it down.

Do you call people out or just leave it unfinished? I’m far too blunt I think! Haven’t the mental energy!

I meant did totally invest, now I’m just a bit pissy

@Leatherandsilk I can't be doing with the anxiety of it, just prefer people to be upfront and tell me whats what. Like you said the mental energy of it all leaves you feeling exhausted and rejected, the text I sent calling her out about going quiet for a couple of days was only a couple of sentences but I must have put together about 20 different iterations of it before deciding upon it running it by a few of my friends before deciding it felt ok to send. In the end I got the response I was expecting but not wanting, but at least I knew and it put my mind at rest in that sense.

When I spoke to my therapist about it she said this is about you and how you are feeling, if you need to send it to put your mind at rest and take away the anxiety then send it. She said whatever they are feeling about you is highly unlikely to change regardless of what you send.

People call out!

Why wouldn't you? If you don't it just leaves everything unresolved. I did this once with someone, the message was read but not replied to and I thought screw this and blocked them - a few days later I had a message on Facebook apologising (forgot we were friends on there 😳) and that they had so much stuff going on, messaging was the last thing they could think of. So after calling them out on their behaviour we now know where we stand in regards to communication and can adapt accordingly. If not, at least you've got one up on the person by having the final word if they don't reply!

Sounds like good advice from your therapist rich. I think it all depends on the person. I’ve had similar contact from 2 different people. One I found needy and one I liked it. The only difference was how I felt.

She right rich.

Auba how long to give before you call them on it?

They cancelled a planned date on the Friday, I messaged to say okay. Left it, then on the Tuesday I called them out. Blocked the number and then this Tuesday everything is fine again and have an understanding. The only reason I'm persevering is because they're a friend of a friend and I know what they're telling me is totally true about not much free time and everything. So we will have that elusive first date, it just may take a while!

Good call, I’m always torn between wanting closure and not wanting to look like I give a shit.

Case by case basis I think. On this one I think I’ll wait until Sunday then just delete everything.

I've just been asked whether I'd live outside of London 'if we're together'.

Quick update for today...
Ms pixie and I have shared way too many pictures of the kind I usually advise people against. Oops. Plans to meet next week hopefully.
Ms London and I have been speaking for a bit, she says she wants to meet up when she comes to Wales soon

Now my tinder adventure... ms two streets away came as a bit of a surprise when she said where she lived! Single mum with her own health problems, so mine are instantly less of an issue.

My date last night was quite good. Only one problem - he's a heavy smoker which I didn't know until I got there. I don't like it. I could smell it on him.

I'm supposed to have another date tomorrow with someone else. But I haven't heard from him in a couple of days. Do I text and ask if it's on or assume it's not and don't bother chasing him? I initiated the last chat on Wednesday. He sent a couple of replies to me but nothing since.

He could just have been busy since Weds if it's not a case of you messaging and him not replying. Just a quick message saying Hi just confirming for tomorrow, meeting here...at this time...looking forward to it.
That way it doesn't sound as if you're over thinking it

I've sent two messages this week to throw back all the shit where it belongs.

One said "Thanks for making me feel like discarded garbage" followed by the clapping hands symbol.

It was in a moment of clarity and I couldn't give a rats arse if it looks as if I "care". I do care about ME!! So take all your pathetic behavior and mind games and GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!!
I actually felt good after, like I was on my own side finally.
"If you're on their side and they're on their side, who is on your side?"

I would text and ask rather than not know Myoldbrain. What are your feelings on the smoker, is that a dealbreaker for you?
I have been cautiously exploring a new relationship which so far seems really good, no angst on the texting (I don't text much and he is fine with that)2 and half months in and we have both declared we like each other a lot, are exclusive and are making tentative future plans. It feels very relaxed and I look forward to seeing him but remain realistic that it is early days and things could change on either side.
Nice to hear others experiences of dating, and agree on just being yourself, game playing and anxiety are not for me. Good luck those on dates this weekend.

The day you message someone because you want to, and they reply a couple of hours later and you don’t care because you just know they’ll reply and you stop being self aware is when you’ll know it’s the right person for you.

This 100 times over 👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼

Update from me;

The one I was supposed to meet 2 weeks ago that ghosted before we met - Well when I noticed he'd unblocked I messaged calling him out on it. He read it but no response. However he contacted me last night and apologised. He's had some stuff kick off with his ex, he's sorry for just stepping away without explaining to deal etc. I've accepted his apology and wished him well.

Still chatting with one I'm supposed to meeting on Wed but I'm not sure we have enough in common. He doesn't message much so we haven't chatted about stuff much. He's also 5 years younger than me. Not sure what to do with this one. .

Chatting to another on bumble and getting on really well. We've exchanged numbers. Seem to be similar personalities and he makes me laugh.

Chatting with another on bumble. I really like look of this one but he hasn't asked to exchange numbers, meet etc yet so nothing may come of it.