Dating thread 145: new year new adventures

[Notcoolmum]

apparentlyacatch I’m sorry to be such a mum but please don’t invite men round to your house in the first date. You are putting yourself in a v vulnerable position. These men are strangers and you know nothing more about them than what they have chosen to tell you.

He now knows where you live, what possessions you have, seen pictures of your kids, your car, where you put your keys etc.

So 3rd date tonight with Mr S and we are totally DTD! Excited and nervous!!

@Helpmeout - Honestly if any of us could predict who was decent...maybe we wouldn't still be dating hehe. But seriously, there's no way to know. I will say this, people can only be so much of a cretin as you'll put up with - ya know. If you want a safeguard take it slow, any red flags, don't ignore them. As for frequency of contact - everyone's different. Does it feel too much/too fast? Take the tempo down yourself. It's ok to not want to rush.

@supercali77

Very true! It's a bit of a trial and error game with dating I guess.

Nope it doesn't feel to fast at all, but a few people have told me that they think it could be moving too fast. This is because we speak on the phone roughly every other night and he messages me good morning/night every day. For me though, I quite like the attention and the date was bloody amazin! Totally blew me off my feet if I'm honest. I don't feel like he is rushing me and I don't feel rushed in to doing or getting in to anything with him. I'm jsut worried that I am not seeing red flags that others are.

Ant330, I'd add to rich's post that you should install the apps with zero expectations as well. In many ways I think the weirdos have ruined it for everyone, and women do tend to get bombarded with messages.

shitwithsugaron, I say I would swipe left on 8/9 out of 10 people on bumble. Those I don't are either:

1. Someone I'm not really attracted to (fair enough, right?)
2. Someone who has excessive use of selfies and filters (I want to see what you look like, not what you look like with rabbit ears or giant sunglasses)
3. Someone that it's apparent leads a completely different lifestyle to me so I don't think we'd really fit together.

Not that any of this seems to matter! I was on here a month or so ago asking for advice and was told to widen my search parameters and swipe right on everyone. The only result of this was I was getting the occasional right swipe from people who lived too far away, or older than I would ideally go for. Since last September when I signed back up on Bumble, I've had in total around 15 matches.

Would anyone like to take control of my profiles and prove to me it's not just me?

Helpmeout what you describe sounds normal to me. The few I have met up with have always messaged daily etc beforehand

As for them knowing about my kids I do make it clear on profile. It says something like "to enjoy my childfree time with". They also don't disappear at point of asking about kids. It's always after, when asking about what I do for a living

@helpmeoutout I wouldn't say moving fast on both sides is a red flag? Also, it's not like you're spending every waking moment together, you're staying in touch....which is kinda necessary in the beginning I think. Unless it becomes an actual red flag (e.g. you feel pressured to be in touch, you feel uncomfortable with it) - just enjoy I say!

@Neverexpected2 That's so weird. They are obviously making huge assumptions. Let's hope someone with a much more open mind comes along!

Yep so far this feels normal to me, but just worried that I am being too naive about it all. But then another part of me feels as though this is what good dating should feel like! It should be fun right? and put a smile on your face.

@helpmeoutout nope all sounds normal to me! When I first started chatting with my now BF we chatted daily (for nearly a month before we actually met due to mainly my hectic schedule!) and while i forced myself to chat to others still, he was really the only one I wanted to chat with.
We had an amazing first date and continued to speak several times a day either on the phone or via text and obviously it's just gone from there. Once we had the exclusive chat (after about 6 weeks) we both admitted we'd not really bothered with anyone else since our first date. It all just felt right with him 🤷🏼‍♀️
We've been together 6 months now and all is good ☺️

@wishywashy6 that's really lovely hear.
I have tried to talk to other men on the app, but I am not getting the same spark as I have with him. I will continue to browse, but I very much doubt I am capable of dating two people at once. I think i would rather see where it goes with him and then move on if it goes tits up.

helpmeout it all sounds fine, no red flags. It sounds like you have had the good fortune to meet a nice, normal man. Maybe we all find it difficult to believe after so many horror stories but it must happen, right? Be careful not to over-invest though, obviously. Getting that balance between hedging your bets by still chatting to others and continuing to put the effort in to someone who seems fine is very difficult IME. Good luck!

dan I would love to help with your profile etc but I'm probably to
old to be of any assistance to you!

@helpmeoutout that's completely how I was in the beginning. I just couldn't be arsed with anyone else once I'd started to get to know him. If it hadn't worked out I'd have been fine but was happier just focusing on him, and as it happened he felt the same! ☺️

@wishywashy6 sounds lovely. Hopefully I have the same luck as you. i will keep the thread updated as i go along, and hopefully everyone can chip in and tell me to take my rose tinted glasses off his red flags start waving! I'm really happy to know that you had a smoothe beginning and it's still continuing

@helpmeoutout fingers crossed for you!

Hey all, still lurking and interested in everyones stories though I'm not actively looking at the apps myself.

@Neverexpected2 I think men do assume if not working, then living off an ex or the state or looking for a man to provide. I'm in the same boat as you, can afford to take a career break to raise my kids but at the time, just fancied a few nights out dating rather than a man to provide for me!

@Dan89 I'll take a look at your profile though I'm 41 so I'm thinking you'll need someone in your age group to give advice. Generally though I think swipe right on everyone and you'll at least get a good idea of what's out there.

helpmeoutout just relax, if it feels right then it probably is right. Good luck

Dan I have the same problem. I get very little interest on any of the apps. No idea why. My photos and profile are good. But something is putting people off me.
Have you had someone give you an honest opinion of your profile?

Dan i don't mind having a look at your profile? - I am assuming 89 is the year your born which is the same as me.

Blimey you are all so young. I'm 46! And attracting men who say they are "50" yet my Dad, who was a sailor all his life and didn't particularly care wearing sunscreen looks better than them!!

midcenturylegs ha I dream of being 46 - 56 and counting here! So if Dan is 30 I am definitely not up to giving him feedback. My DDs might though??

Re men in their 50s looking grim: only one of my six first dates has looked markedly older in real life than in their pictures. The rest have been an extremely pleasant surprise, including two who forgot to mention in their profiles or messaging that they were 6 foot 2 swoon. Seems some middle-aged men take really bad pictures, and are not self-aware enough to realise.

DogDay you've done well. All my dates that have been over 50, have looked rough. Bad teeth or in a couple of cases, lack of teeth, bad skin and not made any effort to dress nicely for the date.

myold it's horses for courses really. I can forgive bad teeth to a degree as almost every man I know of that generation - except my XH, strangely - has crooked teeth. Missing teeth or bad breath - no. As for skin, well I expect wrinkles but would run a mile from spots. And dress sense, tricky. I love a man in a crisply ironed shirt best and I draw the line at football shirts and tracky bottoms, but so long as they smell nice and hold themselves well I'm not too bothered.

It's a blooming minefield, isn't it? I agree though, I think I have been lucky so far.

I think if I'm typical of blokes in their mid to late 40's, I'm 47, we don't tend to have lots of photos of us on our own, it's probably why there are so many comments about pics with fish as it's the rare occasion fisherman want their photo taken without anybody else in it.
All the photos of me are either with my son, wife, or mates, which I thankfully now know from here aren't appealing

Yep I find it a bit strange when men have other women in their profile pics. I mean it might well just be a friend but at least crop her out.

Ant330 when I started OLD 2 years ago, I had no photos of myself. Nothing that was taken within the last 10 years or more.
I had to quickly learn the art of the selfie. But one that doesn't look like a selfie.
Then I confided in my friends about my dating and they offered to take some photos for me. I hate having my photo taken but it had to be done.

Is there anyone who can help you get some good photos?

I've never swiped on any man with another woman in one of their photos - even if I liked the look of the man - just can't be doing with guessing who it is and whether the man still has issues about them