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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My dh of 30 years has been having an affair

129 replies

Leylanding · 10/01/2019 16:58

I'm absolutely gutted. I found out by seeing some texts between them, and more has gradually come out over the three weeks since then. He is of course claiming it was just sex - but 3 years?!

He's finished it with her now and is saying that me and our one dc are the most important things in his life. I do love him, we've been together since we were 18, and I suppose I am at fault too in that I let the physical side of things slip, would spend most of each evening upstairs while he was downstairs, and have been quite an angry (not physically) type. I don't know what to do or what to believe or how to act.

OP posts:
MisstoMrs · 10/01/2019 17:00

Oh bless you. Someone will be along in a minute with some tea help but for now I just wanted to say you’re not alone, this is not your fault, and you will get through this Flowers

whynot93 · 10/01/2019 17:02

So sorry. I know that feeling.. big hugs to you. Sadly there will be more to all this - talking from experience. Make no rash decisions but keep digging xx

Original poster
Leylanding · 10/01/2019 17:05

Thank you both. Feel like my life is over. Great start to the year. Trying to behave normally for dc is so difficult - I keep leaking tears and have had to say I've got an eye infection.

OP posts:
RivanQueen · 10/01/2019 17:06

Leylanding I'm so sorry to hear your H has betrayed you like this. Please know that it is not your fault in any way, shape or form. His actions are 100% his responsibility. If he wasn't happy in the marriage anymore he could have done the right thing and separated from you before taking up with another woman. Instead he chose to have his cake and eat it too.
He now says the most important things in his life are you and your DC's but I expect he would still be having the affair if you hadn't found the texts. Also you only have his word that the affair is over and he has been lying to you for 3 years so can you trust anything he says?

I know for me cheating is a total deal breaker and it would be the end of the relationship for me but only you can decide how you want to proceed. You must be absolutely reeling from this discovery, take your time in figuring out what you want, what you need and how you want to move forward from this.
Maybe have a look at the chump lady site, you might find some helpful information on there.
Flowers for you.

Ribbon86 · 10/01/2019 17:08

Please don’t think this is partly your fault there is no excuse end of , if he was unhappy about the physical side of your marriage he could have spoken to you not look elsewhere , try and stay strong and remember this is not your fault

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 10/01/2019 17:09

Hmm... would he have ended it if you hadn't seen the texts?

whynot93 · 10/01/2019 17:09

How old are the children? If you have a close friend it would be wise to confide in them. I guess you need to think about the practical side, do you want him in the house right now? Would counselling help? Be kind to yourself, that blow is a big one it can knock you sideways. Are you sure he's ended the affair? If your not doing dry January get a large glass of wine!

SauvignonMum · 10/01/2019 17:11

What a massive shock op Flowers

None of this is your fault Angry

Adora10 · 10/01/2019 17:14

3 years is unforgivable in my book, and don't blame yourself, did you have an affair when he was downstairs and you upstairs, no you didn't, there is never an excuse for this, especially 3 years of lying and deceit.

Funny how it only ended because he was caught out.

I am really sorry he did this to you and it was his choice OP, nobody is forced into an affair, it's a decision they make.

I hope you have his bags packed or in the process of getting him out, he can't be around you now whilst you try and think this through and decide what YOU want to do going forward.

He sounds delightful, calling it just sex when clearly it was more than that I'd guess and I'd not take his word it was over either, I'd have him out by now and I'd not be taking him back until he proved to me 100% that it wasn't going to happen again, but personally I'd not be interested anymore, once the trust is gone you can't really get it back.

Surround yourself with family and friends and keep him away, he's not good for you right now.

Original poster
Leylanding · 10/01/2019 17:15

Thank you for your kind words. I really don't know what I want. I absolutely do love him, we've practically grown up together, and the thought of not being together scares me to death. But can I trust him ever again? Can I bear to make love with knowing he's done the same with another woman, and fairly recently too?

I guess that it would still be going on if I hadn't found out. I think it's ended know because I saw the text he sent her telling her that, and have full access to his phone. He says it was just sex and he doesn't want her. But three years?

OP posts:
Adora10 · 10/01/2019 17:18

Actually would find his protestation of it just being sex worse, so he happily put your feelings to fuck and used a woman for sex for three years.

If true, that's even worse.

Adora10 · 10/01/2019 17:18

Please tell me he's not still in your home with everything fine and dandy. I hope he's out or going.

Silkie2 · 10/01/2019 17:19

What age are the DCs?

Original poster
Leylanding · 10/01/2019 17:29

He is at home still, yes. Dc isn't the easiest and we feel at the minute they needs us both around. They know something is up but not quite what. I'm being deliberately vague here sorry about dc age and sex - never know who's reading!

We had a good life I thought. Dh works very hard, and we spend weekends together doing lots of things with dc. I just can't understand this. I would understand it more if he'd said he loved this other woman (wouldn't like it obviously) but to say it was just sex. He has spoken to me about our sexlife in the past and I've done all the usual 'I'm tired' (which I am because I work and dc is up every night) but I'll try harder. But it never really picked up.

I feel heartbroken.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 10/01/2019 17:30

MY xh of 22 years cheated on me. I threw him out and felt better for it. I was heartbroken but knew i could never trust him again or have sex with him again so therefore no point in continuing marriage. Our 3 dc were all upset but supported my decision. He made it v hard for me to get divorce and tried to turn dc against me. Eventually I started a new relationship with another man. He tried his hardest to break us up. He even threatened to turn up and spoil our wedding but he did not actually do this. Life is too short to allow a person to humiliate you. Would you really want sex with a person who had cheated on you? If no then DTB.

Pavlova31 · 10/01/2019 17:34

Keep strong Op Flowers
So he was happy to use a woman solely for his own selfish needs for THREE years ? What a keeper Hmm

Adora10 · 10/01/2019 17:39

It's nothing to do with your sex life so stop blaming that, it's his entitlement to go and fuck someone else for three years, that's all him OP; if he was unhappy about your sex life then why didn't he help you out by allowing you some sleep and taking you out on dates etc, no he decided he couldn't be arsed and it was easier to lie and deceive you and put your at risk of an STI so he could get his end away, I am sorry I am just so angry on your behalf.

He should not be there being allowed to carry on his cushy life; you are doing the wrong thing, regardless of the kids, you could tell the kids he was away working, they don't need to know.

Honestly as above you will feel better if you show him you are not tolerating this, you don't even know if it's true, he could be head over with this OW, you have no idea, he might be saying just sex to cover that fact up.

I am not trying to upset you more but doing nothing and allowing him to carry on is honestly not the answer for you, it's pretty much letting him away with it.

RomanyRoots · 10/01/2019 17:40

Oh my love it's not your fault at all.
Your dh chose to stick his dick in someone else for 3 years.
He could have ended it with you if he wasn't happy, he could have tried to talk to you, offered suggestions. There are lots of choices, but he chose to be unfaithful.

Please don't be brave for your children, they must be older if you've been together 30 years.
Let them know what a cheat your husband is, there really was no excuse.
You have found out so he is saying he's finished it, for now.
He'll be back to her again when you forgive him. It's sort of giving him permission.
If you don't want to share him you know what to do.
I've been with mine for 30 years, it must be awful for you.
I'm so sorry you are going through this Thanks

RagingWhoreBag · 10/01/2019 17:42

His protestations that it was “just sex” and then ending it with her BY TEXT after 3 years make him sound even worse! Has he literally no morals?!

I could almost understand him risking everything if he thought he was in love, but he’s treated you both appallingly by the sound of it, betraying you repeatedly for years, all the while using her for “just sex” and dropping her like a stone the minute he was found out. He’s merciless. What an absolute shit. I wouldn’t be able to forgive him. But if you do, it needs to be after he’s lost everything and you’ve built yourself back up and decided you want to be with him out of love not fear. Sending you unMN hugs and Brew

Adora10 · 10/01/2019 17:44

Just because he has texted her in front of the OP finishing it doesn't mean it's over, it's all lip service at the moment.

greendale17 · 10/01/2019 17:47

I suppose I am at fault too in that I let the physical side of things slip, would spend most of each evening upstairs while he was downstairs, and have been quite an angry (not physically) type.

^I think you are partly to blame. I wouldn’t stand for that behaviour from my partner.

RomanyRoots · 10/01/2019 17:48

Your children don't need you both around. Your dh works long hours/ uses some of these long hours to screw his mistress whilst your at home with dc.
After 3 years there will be a full blown relationship there, if he has finished it, you could end up with ow retaliating. I wouldn't want this for my children, they are more important than a cheat.
He's not the man you knew OP, he's a stranger who has put you at risk of an sti and failed as a parent and husband.
Please ask him to leave, and don't take the cheating loser back.

jeaux90 · 10/01/2019 17:49

3 years isn't an affair it's a relationship and you only have his word that it's over.

NewDOOFUSfor19 · 10/01/2019 17:52

think you are partly to blame. I wouldn’t stand for that behaviour from my partner.

Woah Greendale wtf?! In no way is the OP to blame, how fucking rude!

Adora10 · 10/01/2019 17:56

Assuming you are currently in shock, once you get calmer and get bloody angry get your support group around you and get him gone; he is not your friend, he's a liar and has been taking the full piss out of you for three years; even if your sex life was crap, he is still a liar, has spent time and family money on his OW and for all you know will still be shagging her once this has died down.

I hope to god you have at least one friend you can confide in, do it now!

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