My dh of 30 years has been having an affair

[Leylanding]

I'm absolutely gutted. I found out by seeing some texts between them, and more has gradually come out over the three weeks since then. He is of course claiming it was just sex - but 3 years?!

He's finished it with her now and is saying that me and our one dc are the most important things in his life. I do love him, we've been together since we were 18, and I suppose I am at fault too in that I let the physical side of things slip, would spend most of each evening upstairs while he was downstairs, and have been quite an angry (not physically) type. I don't know what to do or what to believe or how to act.

But he seems so genuinely remorseful.

And if you didn't find out it would still be going on with no plans to end it.

He's sorry he got caught. 3 years ... that's a double life.

Of course he wants everything back to normal...so his double life is kept under wraps.

It's embarrassing and shameful for him if others know.

...but for @1095 days he made a choice to betray you over and over again.

Would he be able to get passed you having sex with another man and betraying him for that long?

Unfortunately from experience those constant thoughts in your mind don't go away. I can be having a great day one minute then bang it pops into my head.. I suggest you get some counselling booked up maybe just for yourself for now so you can go through it all with an outside person. 3 yrs is a heck of a long time to deceive you and I don't believe it was just sex that's just him minimising! If you are arguing all the time it may be best to ask him to leave for now so you can get your head together. Hugs x

It is so sad that so many of us are going through the same situations.And that the scenarios play out so similar.
My DH is doing the declaration of remorse , devotion And hysterical bonding.
And I am haunted by images and disbelief that this is my DH and my life at the moment.
We are started counselling and I felt like I was an actor in a play as I haven't really said it aloud to anyone in RL.It was also good to vent and the therapist making him hear me without interruption or any shouting .
I asked if therapist found that a couple could come back from this.She said the fact we were there was good , but have to realise that it will never be the same.

One thing stood out was " 30 years of marriage is surely worth 8 weeks of therapy"
For me , I still think I want out but am afraid to start the whole procedure.But at least I am hoping for some peace and closure.
I wish there was nearly a physical support group for women like us.I found MN to be so helpful.
I hate that you and your DC are going through this.I do truly get how traumatic it is.But everyday you wake up and face the day is further from the day we found it. So looking forward to when it is not constantly in my head.
Hope you also get the peace you deserve.

You say he is not in contact with her - how do you know he hasn't got a secret phone.

Also, sorry - but STI test. You need one of those too?

This man is no longer your friend or confidante. You are clinging onto a man and relationship which no longer exists.