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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My dh of 30 years has been having an affair

129 replies

Leylanding · 10/01/2019 16:58

I'm absolutely gutted. I found out by seeing some texts between them, and more has gradually come out over the three weeks since then. He is of course claiming it was just sex - but 3 years?!

He's finished it with her now and is saying that me and our one dc are the most important things in his life. I do love him, we've been together since we were 18, and I suppose I am at fault too in that I let the physical side of things slip, would spend most of each evening upstairs while he was downstairs, and have been quite an angry (not physically) type. I don't know what to do or what to believe or how to act.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 10/01/2019 17:57

3 years isn't an affair, it's a Mistress.

That said, it sounds like there were some fundamental fault lines in the relationship. So even if you draw a line under the "affair", those still would exist. And have betrayal added as a garnish.

Original poster
Leylanding · 10/01/2019 17:57

We had dc late into our relationship so only early teens and with some issues.

I read all your replies and agree with every one of them. But the reality is I'm not strong enough to tell him to leave. I mean I do tell him one minute when I'm raging, then I'll be calm again and think "I want you, she can't have you". He's saying he doesn't want her anyway but what do I know?

I can't keep tabs on him all the time, how do I know he won't be in touch with her when he's at work? Oh god, I feel like such a pathetic worthless weak person.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 10/01/2019 17:58

Greendale, how awful are you, no matter what my partner did, I'd never shag another man behind his back for three years, I'd try and sort it out or leave, that's what most decent human beings would do.

ThatsNotNiceRoger · 10/01/2019 18:00

3 years isn’t just an affair, it’s a relationship. He lied to you and your children for 3 years.

Whatever he is telling you will be the minimum he wants you to hear. He will minimise his behaviour. Only sex for three years? I doubt it. Emotions will be involved. I bet she could tell a different version.

Take time to work out what you need. Don’t let him pressure you, you may find that he wants to sweep the whole thing under the carpet and move on now it’s out in the open. Don’t let this happen and don’t do the pick me dance. You have every right to demand all the time and space you need to decide what is right for you. If that means him moving out even for a while then so be it. He doesn’t get to decide what happens now.

None of this is your fault, get that out your head now. If he was struggling then he could have talked to you, instead he decide to stick his dick in someone else.

He has to take full responsibility for this as well as drop all contact with her immediately. I would be devastated and it would be the end for me, 3 years is too much to forgive personally.

Try looking at the chump lady website.

Adora10 · 10/01/2019 18:00

You are playing the pick me dance, all normal reactions; thing is OP, if he went I guarantee you'd start to feel better in a day or so; you'd at least be keeping your self respect.

He'll say whatever he has to say, he's a 3 year established liar, he must be good.

Why are you taking the blame for his shitty behaviour????? Stop it, it's him who is weak and worthless, look what he did to you!

Original poster
Leylanding · 10/01/2019 18:01

The thing is it seems we've had a totally different version to each other of our relationship. I thought we had a great life, he didn't. I thought we talked, he didn't. He says we have nothing in common any more except dc and house. I don't get that at all. Whenever he's not working we're doing family stuff. Maybe it's not exciting but it's together.

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 10/01/2019 18:03

I think you are partly to blame. I wouldn’t stand for that behaviour from my partner.

So you think an affair is justified do you? She may be partly to blame for him being unhappy in the marriage, but it was absolutely his choice and his choice only to have a three-year affair. The honourable thing to do would have been to leave before embarking on another relationship - and this only after discussion and counselling etc.

whynot93 · 10/01/2019 18:04

What I will say having spent the last year trying to get over my own husbands vile indiscretions it doesn't go away (it hasn't so far anyway).! I don't see him as the same person, every side glance makes me double think he's looking at another woman and my own confidence has taken a serious battering. It's seriously hard to get that trust back if ever and I'm planning my own life without him. It's just a matter of when and that's my end goal. Maybe that's something you could aim towards if now is not the right time? Take me back a year and I'd have kicked him out there and then and moved on, I actually don't like him anymore. Do what suits you best, just because it's not right now doesn't mean never.. someone once said that to me on here and they were right.

Adora10 · 10/01/2019 18:05

Every adulterer when caught re writes history to make themselves feel better and lay some blame on you, all wrong and incorrect.

He's going to bring up every excuse in the cheater's script book to make himself look not so bad, there must be 3 years worth of shit you know absolutely nothing about.

Adora10 · 10/01/2019 18:07

Re your kids, it would probably be better for them if he did go because I'd guess they are going to hear your conversations and arguments now, do you really want them finding out that way.

birdladyfromhomealone · 10/01/2019 18:14

How old is your DC if they are up in the night? As you have been married 30 yrs hardly a toddler?
Or an adult disabled DC?
You can make it work if you want to.
What about counselling?

Original poster
Leylanding · 10/01/2019 18:16

It's just one dc, and she must be aware of something being up. When we're arguing I tell dh to be quiet and he says "why, dc hears us arguing and bickering every day, that's prob part of the problem" Dc has behavioural issues. I don't think I'd manage dc without him - he does love dc very much. More than he loves me I'm beginning to think.

I've literally grown up with him - well since I was 17 anyway. Just cannot get my head around this. I do still like him why I think but maybe I'm fooling myself. We've been having a lot of sex since I found out and I just want to cling on to him and keep him next to me.

I've never known mood swings like this, not hurt. I'm torturing myself wondering how sex was for them and how often and what was I doing at the time etc. Haven't eaten in days.

OP posts:
user1457017537 · 10/01/2019 18:17

I am wondering if your going upstairs coincided with this affair and that, maybe, you sensed something was wrong. Could it have been in response to his coldness towards you.

Applebloom · 10/01/2019 18:19

Op do you really honestly think that it's been your fault every single time in the past three years your H was in bed with another woman. That the several times a week/ month was because of you? That not once he thought to himself maybe he should sort out his marriage?

Op he was and is a selfish self absorbed man who just wanted another woman for no reason but just because he wanted to.
He wasn't thinking about you in the slightest, what you were or weren't doing for him!it
And if the marriage needed fixing having sex elsewhere for 3 years isn't the way to fix it

Petalflowers · 10/01/2019 18:23

A one night stand is ‘just sex’ and probably possible to move on from.

Three years is an affair. The deceit and lying is a deal breaker if nothing else.

You can still love a person, but I think it’s very difficult to stay with someone if the trust is gone.

villageshop · 10/01/2019 18:25

I'm so sorry this has happened. Have you suggested counselling to your H? It seems to me that over the years of family life your own romantic relationship as a couple has taken a back seat. This is understandable and happens a lot.

Reading between the lines I think your H has felt this loss, whereas maybe you haven't, perhaps because you feel closer to your DC's and so have felt the family time you all spend together at weekends is enough. It's not your fault, OP, but couple relationships do need the glue of love, sex and romance and quality time together to keep them together.

If you still love your H and want him to stay he needs to be able to do whatever it takes for you to be able to forgive him (and it will take a lot of work from him) and trust him again.

If you both really do want to stay together you will both need to concentrate on reconnecting as couple. He needs to be totally honest and open with you about where he was emotionally during the time he betrayed you. This will take a long time and many, many, heartfelt and painful conversations. There is no quick fix but it can be done. It will be difficult for you to forgive and for you to trust again and it really depends on two things:

  1. Are you capable of forgiveness - ie have there been other times when you have been able to forgive the person when they've behaved horribly towards you?
  2. Can he do whatever it takes to help you heal? If he is capable of consistent, compassionate and loving behaviour that illustrates that he understands the enormity of his betrayal, and that he loves you and is putting you first, then forgiveness can be a natural outcome of those painful conversations and the new understanding and empathy you share.

Good luck from me (married 40 years).

birdladyfromhomealone · 10/01/2019 18:25

Having lots of sex after an affair is very normal.
Its called hysterical bonding.

ElspethFlashman · 10/01/2019 18:26

Google Hysterical Bonding. That's what going on here.

Basically he gets rewarded by having lots of sex with his mistress by getting lots of sex from you.

ElspethFlashman · 10/01/2019 18:26

Ooh cross post!

ivykaty44 · 10/01/2019 18:58

The having lots of sex with a man you’ve found out has been having a sexual affair is hysterical bonding & it is a phase that is very common

Original poster
Leylanding · 10/01/2019 19:02

I've never heard of that. I'll look it up later when I have a bit more time. Is it him trying to assuage his conscience or something? I thought it was us trying to reconnect and show we loved each other still :(

OP posts:
importantkath · 10/01/2019 19:06

Hysterical bonding is real, sadly. Also suggest you look up the script. It's very informative.

Please don't let him put any part of the responsibility on you. He did this, not you.

ivykaty44 · 10/01/2019 19:16

If he hadn’t been happy with any part of the relationship he could have trued to make it work and then leave a be then free to have a relationship with whoever he wanted

He choose to take part in a life of lies & live a lie deceiving you

You now have time to work out what you want, neither path will be eAsy but both will be as hard as the other in different ways. No rush to make up your mind, it may be next year or next week.

Take your time

Alfiemoon1 · 10/01/2019 19:18

Yes google hysterical bonding. He will have told you the bare minimum a one night stand is just sex not 3 years that is a relationship

DeRigueurMortis · 10/01/2019 19:24

From your first post "our one dc are the most important things in his life."

So where do you fit in here?

He's basically told you, by omission that you rank below your child, below him and presumably below his OW of 3 years standing.

Look at the man he is OP not the man you thought he was (deliberate bold to catch your attention).

Then decide if you want to stay married to this person.