My dh of 30 years has been having an affair

[Leylanding]

I'm absolutely gutted. I found out by seeing some texts between them, and more has gradually come out over the three weeks since then. He is of course claiming it was just sex - but 3 years?!

He's finished it with her now and is saying that me and our one dc are the most important things in his life. I do love him, we've been together since we were 18, and I suppose I am at fault too in that I let the physical side of things slip, would spend most of each evening upstairs while he was downstairs, and have been quite an angry (not physically) type. I don't know what to do or what to believe or how to act.

It’s not paranoia making you question whether he’s told you everything. It’s your senses.

For example: he told you it was just sex, but you have evidence it was much more (the length of time it went on for, the fact he told her he loved her). Must have been some pretty amazing sex to risk his marriage over eh?

You can’t recover when he’s still lying to you and holding things back from you. The fact he’s claiming the above would have him out on his arse for good for me. Even now you know what he’s capable of he’s still lying to your face.

I suspect you’ll never be able to forgive and move on, and frankly you’d be a mug to even try with a man who isn’t capable of loving or respecting you. He took away your consent to sleep with him when he started risking your sexual health by shagging someone else, when you were having sex with him believing it was monogamous.

@Leylanding bless you been wondering how you are today. I remember those first few days of discovering the whole sorry mess I don't think I ate a single thing for about a week and was constantly shaking and felt cold. It's a real rollercoaster of emotions I know that much. Please try and find someone to talk to, I hid away and told no one and it really has done me no good. The embarrassment is immense - or it was for me. None of this is your fault, try not to torment yourself with the details of their affair what's done is done. One thing I started doing which I've stuck to is do three things for yourself each week.. got out for coffee and cake, treat yourself to a new hair doo, have your nails done, a nice soak in the bath. Anything that makes your feel a little better! I know my husband got off to lightly, some have mentioned on this thread him facing the consequences and I hate to agree. 3 years is a hell of a long time to lie to you, cheat on you and there's no doubt this was far more than a little fling! Think about that, he deserves nothing from you right now. 💐

Hope you manage something OP, still think you’re torturing yourself having him there, sure he could piss off for a few days, would be nice to see him have some uncomfortableness when your life is currently in shreds.

Hope you’re at least Sharing a bottle of wine with a good pal, you need a break from him and yes it would still be going on, it’s 3 years!

Of course he wouldn’t of told you. He’s been fucking her for 3 years! And he’s only ended it because you seen some messages.
That’s not a fling or a little someone on the side every now and again. It’s a full on affair where he was saying he loves her. Of course he’s going to tell you it’s not true.

You can go it alone. One day at a time.

I really hope you have a close friend who is supporting you.

It's very doubtful he has told you everything. Often they try to minimise everything by telling you some details, which is only when they've been found out. There are numerous ways he could contact her if he really wanted to.

I also discovered my ex husbands affair. The lies he told me were ridiculous. It was all to save face and predict him and his mistress. Eventually, I discovered the full truth myself.

Everyone thought he was a wonderful man, salt of the earth. He was supposedly a pillar of the community! But in reality, good men do not betray and lie to their nearest and dearest.

Three years is a very long time to deceive you. I know you are still raw and shell shocked. Please eat and drink, you need to keep,up your strength.

• protect (not predict)

So the OW has had a difficult couple of years BooHOO for her. If you know her then you know she knows he's married. He's the arse for cheating on you but don't feel too much sympathy for her OP. Look after yourself.

Just remember YOU are NOT weak and pathetic at all.
HE is the one who has been cheating on his family for 3 friggin' years!!!
He is the one who is pathetic and weak.

No knee-jerk reactions.
Cheating is a deal-breaker for some (including me and yes I have totally followed through) but it's not for everyone.
Some couples can come out stronger.

But.... you need some headspace without him in it!
With your DC is that something you could do?
Even just a week or a long weekend might help you clear your thought process.

But for now.
Try to eat.
I couldn't eat for a while so ice-lollies and sugary tea got me through it. Survived for weeks on that.
Solids was the issue.
So try sugary drinks, soups, smoothies, etc....
See how you get on with that.

It's tough. It's horrible.
Nothing we say right now will make any of this any better.
But please be kind to yourself and give yourself some time!

Have name changed for this. Just want to reach out and give you a virtual hug OP. Your post sent shivers down my spine as it closely mirrors my own experience. I am three years down the line.

The days and months after discovery are indescribably awful and it may get worse before it gets better as more things are likely to be revealed with time. You just have to ride this storm and see where it takes you.

The most important thing to remember is that you do not have to DO anything immediately. Take your time. Find out as much as you can about your situation.

If you have one friend in RL who you can confide in, they will be your greatest support.

From my experience I would also suggest counselling - for both of you so that you can try and make sense of what has happened with a trained relationship counsellor and decide the path forward but most importantly, counselling for you alone. The best advice I got was to start making myself the focus of my world.

I also found Esther Perel's books and podcasts helped me see things from alternative perspectives which was very useful.

It's a shitty, shitty time in your life, do everything you can to look after yourself.

I really feel for you, what a betrayal.
You know what is the thing about him saying 'its just the sex' or implying it was just about sex. I am sorry to have to say but I don't get this - this would make it the worse type of betrayal for me.
I think maybe you won't be able to trust him at the moment & it will take a lot of him to make this right- I hope you are ok. Get help & try to talk to trusted friends about it from people who know you & him well.

I would have to agree with others. It might make you feel better now that he says all she was was sex
But really think about that. He was capable of damaging and lying to TWO people. Wether she deserves it or not isn’t the point. It’s that he is that capable of that level of deceit to 2 women who both thought he loved them.
It’s shocking behaviour

Well a few more things have come to light today.They've done things together when I was away like go for dinner, go for walks, go shopping :(. At Xmas and New Year he was posting (I characteristically) lots of stuff on FB about how much he loved us. I'm so naive, I thought that that, plus all the sex, was about remorse. It wasn't was it? Yet he's still saying how much he loves us and doesn't want her. I'm so all over the places

This certainly doesn't sound like "just sex" but I'm sure you know this already. What a bastard. How he can live with himself, deceiving you for three years is beyond me.

He’s still lying to you.

Have you told anyone?

I've told one friend a bit but I don't have the heart at the minute to go into it in detail. Find it easier posting anonymously here.

Hello my love. If he loved you he wouldn't have done it, he can't love you or his family life unless he wouldn't have taken the risk.
He doesn't want her because you know now. I bet he hasn't told her he doesn't want her.
They will lay low for a while, he will have a secret phone, and they'll start again when they think you won't suspect anything.
The fact he did this for 3 years means he's completely untrustworthy. Imagine the family money he has used treating his mistress.
You are worth more than this, a life of torture and forever looking over your shoulder.
Posting on fb saying how much he loves you, what a nerve, he'd be long gone now if my dh.
Get angry with the cheating scum bag and kick him out, see you confidence and self esteem rise when he isn't using you anymore.

He's definitely lying because he's been caught out. He simply attempted to pretend this three year affair was just about sex. Even if it was, it still wouldn't be ok. If it was a casual relationship, it wouldn't involve meals, shopping etc.
I'm sure you have no idea what to do, you must be heartbroken and shell shocked. When the anger kicks in, you will realise what is best for you.

How’s he behaving now?

Is he still in contact with her? That you know of.

Sending you a hug, you need one. He’s a shit. An utter lying shit. I hope his dick falls off. Painfully.

I don't think he's in contact with her now - at least not via his phone or email. He's behaving as if he couldn't possibly love me or dc more, and as if we are his whole world, and as if she meant/means nothing.

In my opinion, this is the beginning of your discoveries. I am sorry, I understand that you want it to be minimal but there will be much more, so much more that you are et to discover.

No woman would allow herself to be used for sex for three years, without some sort of relationship, and a significant one at that, being established.

I am so sorry, I have watched one of my best friends being tormented for the last three years by her cheating husbands lies and minimising stories. She eventually spoke to the other woman and everything came out that he wouldn't admit too. Liar and a coward. Even now he just says 'I love you' and spins it back to her breaking up their marriage.

Don't let yourself be tormented like that, you deserve so much more xx

I hate to say it but this is the tip of the iceberg.. there's always more he's just hoping you don't find out. Can you look at bank statements? I found serious amounts of money squandered! I know your hurting and I know that feeling well but you need to think about this.. the lies run very deep and of course he's now being so bloody remorseful and. O doubt secretly hoping you don't find anything else out. Are you brave W Otto talk to this woman? I bet her side of story would be interesting

Leylanding, you’re in shock lovely. It’s impissibke to take in all of this when you’re in shock. And you’ll be in shock for some time to come. You’re suffering a huge trauma.

Firstly please address the basics. Eat little and often, keep yourself hydrated, sleep and exercise.

Know that the way you feel today WILL get better. It will take time and you will cycle through things again and again but you WILL feel better with time.

Go and see a doctor if things are too much. Take care of you.

Secondly, try to get some space from your husband. You’re frightened, anxious, desperate, and in that state you can’t possibly think straight. Space can be had be distancing yourself a little, giving little if yourself to him emotionally, sexually and physically. Google 180 and infidelity.

Thirdly, he WILL be lying. There is no doubt he will still be lying. When a cheater is discovered they are still very in cheater mindset and will do everything they can to hide the extent of their betrayal.

If you believe he is trying then ask him to read ‘how to help your spouse heal’ and ‘not just friends’ both these books will help him take care of you and give you both direction on how to move your marriage forward if that is what you choose.

If it's just sex you don't go for dinner and you definitely don't go shopping.

What did he buy her for Christmas?

He's on his best behaviour because he wants to have his cake and eat it.

How long will it last? More importantly how long can you go without resent creeping in?

He's behaving as if he couldn't possibly love me or dc more, and as if we are his whole world, and as if she meant/means nothing.

He wants everything to go back to normal. Keeps you happy, no fuss. Move on.

Survivinginfidelity.com may be a good resource for you. Good luck OP