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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My dh of 30 years has been having an affair

129 replies

Leylanding · 10/01/2019 16:58

I'm absolutely gutted. I found out by seeing some texts between them, and more has gradually come out over the three weeks since then. He is of course claiming it was just sex - but 3 years?!

He's finished it with her now and is saying that me and our one dc are the most important things in his life. I do love him, we've been together since we were 18, and I suppose I am at fault too in that I let the physical side of things slip, would spend most of each evening upstairs while he was downstairs, and have been quite an angry (not physically) type. I don't know what to do or what to believe or how to act.

OP posts:
misskiki69 · 12/01/2019 20:54

That is exactly how my cheating ex husband reacted when I discovered his affair. He told me she was nothing. Said he loved me and I was far more attractive than her. It was just sex. He didn't want to lose me. We had sex more than ever.

He just couldn't do enough for me. He cried, sobbed, begged. It seems idyllic. I felt adored. Amid the emotional despair, I stupidly thought he was telling the truth. I thought we could get over it.....

Then slowly, but surely I found everything out... I pieced it together myself. He loved her. It was all lies. There wasn't one single thing that he'd told me that was true. He was still in touch with her and continued to do so, even though he promised otherwise.

Then, I knew it was over.... once the trust has gone, there's no going back.

You are very fragile at the minute and he will be playing to that. It sounds like he is trying to keep everything "low key" and minimise his unforgivable actions. He has treated you appallingly I really hope you have someone you are confiding in.

Silkie2 · 13/01/2019 08:43

Thinking your long term marriage is going to break up is devastating and hard to get used to. I think he is giving himself time to sort his head - does he really want the cost and heartbreak of splitting (DCs devastated etc) or should he go. I wonder if after a few weeks of living with the shock of a possible break up he will think more calmly and decide he wants to stay with her and can he can deal with the fall out.

Bruisetooeasily · 13/01/2019 14:06

If it was just 3 years of just sex that I'd suggest you ask him if he'd have a problem then with you having the next 3 years as no strings attached sex elsewhere?
He's had his fun so he gets to stay home with the dc he loves so much
Would he enjoy that?
Would he cope with the thought of his wife getting possibly better justsex* every week/month/ day for 3 years??
Would he feel betrayed?
Would he feel destroyed?I

The thing is that he can't have just sex with anyone else while married!
He can't have a girlfriend and a wife!
And once he sought out a girlfriend for sex while not informing his wife he had betrayed you and disrespected your entire commitment

Original poster
Leylanding · 14/01/2019 19:17

Thank you for all the messages. I'm feeling so completely miserable. I just know there's more he's not telling me despite him swearing he's told it me all. I've looked at bank statements as far as I can and nothing stands out. I'm tearing my hair out while he's acting as if it's just a little blip. Why did he do this to me? I thought we were happy.

OP posts:
Ladybug123 · 14/01/2019 19:34

I think a previous poster mentioned this. Please go and have a look at surviving infidelity site, you’ll find a huge amount of support and advice there.

Feckers2018 · 14/01/2019 19:35

Sorry haven't read the whole thread but how can you be sure hes not seeing her still. I know because I did this myself........and carried on for another three years.

Original poster
Leylanding · 14/01/2019 19:52

I can't be sure Feckers. I do know he's at work all day close by so knows I could drive past any time. And that he's home by 5. And I have access to his phone and emails. But of course if he wanted to find a way he could.

Thank you Ladybug I missed that earlier - not able to think straight. Will go and look now.

OP posts:
Ladybug123 · 14/01/2019 19:56

It got me through my darkest days Leylamding. Believe you and me I know what you’re going through. There is so much wisdom there.

ThatsNotNiceRoger · 14/01/2019 20:28

he's acting as if it's just a little blip

He wants the whole thing to blow over. And in a way it can, he’s had no consequences, no one knows and he’s still living at home and getting lots of sex. What’s he got to worry about?

Productrecall · 14/01/2019 22:04

It got me through my darkest days Leylamding. Believe you and me I know what you’re going through. There is so much wisdom there.

Me too. There are so many ppl on there who know exactly how you will be feeling, but are further down the line, so can lead you through every horrible stage of coming to terms with it. CakeFlowers

Productrecall · 14/01/2019 22:11

he's acting as if it's just a little blip

Yes, it's over and done in his mind, but unless you can somehow make him see how horribly disrespectful and damaging his actions were (and the repercussions for any future relationship you have), nothing about his outlook will change. And he won't feel sufficient guilt/remorse not to do it again. Because he's had nothing but positive experiences so far. Apart from a bit of a cold shoulder from you when you found out, but you'll soon get over that, right? And back to business as usual. With another affair further down the line....

Silkie2 · 15/01/2019 17:40

Can you get set up so that you could leave (or he could leave) if you wanted that.
Eg speak to a solicitor to see how things would be shared, check bank accounts to see where you stand, work out where you would live or where you could afford to live. If you had it straight in your head then all the what ifs would go and it would be a matter of waiting for a bit whilst you decide what you want for the future. You would be making the decision and it would hang less on whether he is still seeing her/ hasn't told you the truth etc and more on what you want for the rest of your life.

Goodadvice1980 · 15/01/2019 17:57

Sorry OP Sad you deserve better.

I suspect he is sorry he got caught, not sorry for shagging someone else for 3 years!!

Howdoyoudoit31 · 16/01/2019 08:13

It takes 5 minutes to buy a cheap pay as you go phone and sim and leave it in work. Or even downloaded an app like kik and deleting it every time he gets home.

There is no way he was having a relationship with this women for 3 years and he’s just cut her off like that. If it was just sex then why was he going for walks and diners? Because it wasn’t just sex. It was a relationship and I bet he is still in contact with her.

stayathomegardener · 16/01/2019 09:29

I'm so sorry.

The worst is you are in limbo.

If I were you I would consider a private detective or be planting a second phone/tracker/listening device in his car.

If you don't know the truth you can't make any meaningful decisions.

Ferfeckssake · 16/01/2019 09:50

OP

I am in almost exactly the same position as you, even the 30 years.
And everything people are telling you here is coming true for me.
I caught him too, so no idea when ,If ever he would have told me.And yes,the minimising also...Just looking for sex or something.
And also having great passionate sex now ..didn't realise about hysterical bonding.

And like you , he is a nice guy . My sister was just remarking how good a deal I had!
I haven't been able to tell anyone yet.

And yes, 30 years! of life and family history together is so hard to throw away .

I am hovering , so reluctant to take the first step to leaving.But as others have said, taking time is good.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.The shock nearly had me contemplating suicide.

This place was my lifeline. Supportive words from MNers who understand and are on your side truly did help me .

I hope are parallel journeys end with us being in a place where we are content and happy.You and I know we did NOTHING to deserve this.FlowersFlowers

SlowDown76mph · 16/01/2019 09:59

Please get your sexual health checked out :-(

Do you have a handle on your financial situation and status?

Adora10 · 16/01/2019 10:36

Can’t believe he’s had zero consequence and wants it brushed under carpet. OP please kick him out you’re showing him you’re a pushover and in fact he’ll probably start it up again with OW there’s pretty much nothing stopping him.

Get support and talk and talk to a good friend these are the people that will give you strength you’re getting nothing from him other than torture.

differentnameforthis · 16/01/2019 11:45

Actually would find his protestation of it just being sex worse, so he happily put your feelings to fuck and used a woman for sex for three years. Agree! He used someone for sex for three years and dropped her like hot rock as soon as he was busted. I don't think I could be with a man who used someone like that!

Kittykat93 · 16/01/2019 17:31

I agree with @Adora10

MsDogLady · 16/01/2019 17:41

You are miserable because you are walking on shifting sands.

You have loved and trusted him since age 18. Yet. He wounded you deeply by betraying you for three long years.

You say, “He’s behaving as if he couldn’t love me and dc more, as if we are his whole world.” Yet. “He says we have nothing in common anymore except dc and house. I don’t understand that at all.”

He claims that his infidelity was only based on sex. Yet. His statement defies logic. Three years with no emotional connection? He recently took her for dinner, walks and shopping, which speaks volumes.

He is acting as if his massive betrayal was a “little blip.” Yet. So are you. You are rewarding him. Yes, you have cried and been angry. What is glaringly obvious to him, however, is that you have not made him suffer any real consequences. He has not been forced to feel the loss of you and your child. You are devastated while he is sitting pretty.

You would benefit from individual counseling, which would help you to bring order to your emotional chaos.

MsDogLady · 16/01/2019 22:58

Meant to also add: You can help to stabilize yourself by sending him away. His presence is bringing you nothing but torment.

Original poster
Leylanding · 17/01/2019 20:29

Hello - sorry for not being back sooner. Thank you for everyone who's posted, I wish I was as wise as some of you. Ferfeckssake I'm so sorry you're going through this too, it's so painful. I've been spending a lot of time on the surviving infidelity site, and Chumplady too.

It has been helpful but I can't seem to apply what I'm reading to my own situation. I'm finding it so difficult to get my head around the fact that this person I've virtually grown up with has betrayed me this way. I'm almost ashamed to admit that I haven't asked him to leave. But it's not been an easy ride for him (or for any of us) either. We're rowing constantly - I just can't let the subject go. He's saying what I suppose all men who've done this say. Our dc knows we're rowing but not what we're rowing about and is getting very unsettled. I wish I could be strong and kick him out. But he seems so genuinely remorseful. But three years?! My mind won't switch off.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 17/01/2019 20:55

You don’t need to ‘let the subject go’ - but you do need to get a safe place to talk about it all. Where you can ask questions, think about whys, and how it will be different.
Your new relationship with your H will not be the same like it used to be. It will be different, but can be - eventually - good again.
If both of you want to make it happen.

wherehaveallthegoodonesgone · 17/01/2019 21:29

Agree with MMumDdad, you must talk this through together, preferably with the help of a good relationship counsellor, if only to help you process what has happened and why. Only then can you really start to understand what your next steps might be. Or talk to a counsellor individually. But keep talking.

And if much of your reading so far hasn't struck a chord, please try the State of Affairs by Esther Perel. I found (& still find) her view on infidelity very insightful as I tried to process the events that happened in my life.