My dh of 30 years has been having an affair

[Leylanding]

I'm absolutely gutted. I found out by seeing some texts between them, and more has gradually come out over the three weeks since then. He is of course claiming it was just sex - but 3 years?!

He's finished it with her now and is saying that me and our one dc are the most important things in his life. I do love him, we've been together since we were 18, and I suppose I am at fault too in that I let the physical side of things slip, would spend most of each evening upstairs while he was downstairs, and have been quite an angry (not physically) type. I don't know what to do or what to believe or how to act.

This wasn't just an affair op, it was a double life. He has lied to you and your children every single day for 3 YEARS. How someone could forgive this I don't know.

And don't you dare blame yourself! He should have left if he was so unhappy.

Dear OP

I'm so sorry - I've been where you are now and I know how sick and ill it made me and how it turned my life upside down. My head was spinning. The pain and hurt is so intense. I did kick my XH out - I just couldnt be in the same room as him. But I knew I couldn't just make my mind up then and there - after so many years. So we went to counselling for about 2 months whilst I worked out what I wanted. It made it much easier to have an objective and honest conversation - we heard each other much better with a neutral counsellor holding the ring, without reverting to defensiveness and anger.

In the end I realised i couldn't go on - he'd broken my heart and i just knew too much had been destroyed. I wanted to make my own choices and being on my own was better than being with him (he wasnt a very interesting husband so his betrayal made me look at how little I got back from him with a clear head). I've never regretted that decision.

Of course its a huge shock to you. Its betrayal and no matter what the problems - its the most hurtful thing someone can do - whose supposed to be the one person you can most rely on. Let yourself feel it all - the anger, the crying. Dont contain it - the more you let it out and better your healing longer term. No one can decide for you, but be careful what you decide for yourself. You deserve way better. Dont settle for fear - even if you do try to forgive it doenst always work. Thats a huge bond that has been broken - and 3 years is very very cruel and deceitful. Is this the man you loved?

Hi OP,

First of all, I am so sorry for what you are passing through. In no way do you deserve to be betrayed like this. However, I do happen to agree with some of the things you said about your part to play.

In any marriage, regardless of the length of it, you need to keep working it and keeping the spark alive. If you have been upstairs a lot like you say and he has been downstairs and you have not become physical then he has found outside what he could not get at home. Theres always lots of reasons why you go off sex in a marriage and sometimes life is just too stressful to fit it in and take time out for you both as a couple so no judgements here babe! However, at the same time (take it or leave it) men need affection and need to feel appreciated from their spouses. This is just in the same way you also need to feel the same things from him.

Taking away the sex aspect for one moment please, most times men cheat because they are looking for someone to give that emotional support that they are also missing at home. Another factor is that there is temptations everywhere no matter how happily married you are. We are all humans and its difficult sometimes to avid the hot guy or girl looking at you. There will always be some women somewhere at some point who will try to get my husbands attention but when is so happy, getting a good sex life at home, emotional needs, appreciated, he will not look twice at this other women.

All this advice (so far) really does is explain why your husband did what he did. Look babe, on this website its very common for people to just say LTB I see it a lot!!! I am not saying that you should stay in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage by any means but, you should at least try first and find a way to overcome this, build trust again with your husband and start again.

I think the first thing you really need before you can even give him a second chance or attempt to rebuild is to make sure that this other women is permanently gone from his life. If he is still swaying back and forth between her and you then I would be included in that situation to take your self respect to the door! But if you can be confident enough that he has finished things and is committed to you (suddenly found his brain)! now then perhaps try counselling and fixing the things you mentioned.

It sounds to me like you both need to talk more, about your feelings, needs, wants. When I say wants and needs I mean as individuals and in your marriage! You just need to emotionally connect again. As for the physical stuff, I think thats going to take time because I would NOT jump back into bed with my husband after an affair was discovered, it would be to raw and painful. Just because, I say stay and try to work things out does not mean it should be easy for him or will be painless for you.

Another thing I think you should do is to remind him what he has been missing at home and make him feel so STUPID for betraying your trust. I think you should give yourself a right out makeover, new wardrobe, underwear, haircut (depending on what you like!), start a new hobby, become more active (gym, swimming, yoga, running) and just show him how SEXY!!!!!! you truly are. If he feels bad now he will feel worse when he remembers he has all he needed at home and he settled for what I like to call ^his 20%" (Your his 80% btw!).

Also, I had a quick skim of previous posts. Has this been going on for 3 years? I got confused by your first post and I thought perhaps 3 weeks? If it is 3 years then things are a lot worse than I first thought but it doesn't mean you can't come back from it all. I am just so shocked but at the end of the day you can only decide what you want to do. We can all give you some advice on here and tell our wee bit but its up to you and your the one living with whatever you decide.

I think maybe you need a holiday away on your own. If you have any friends you can go away with for a week I think you should do that and leave your DH with your child. I really do hope you work through this and at the very least your DH realises what a mess he has made of his own life.

DeRigeur the circumstances surrounding our dc are a bit complicated. We never wanted dc but I fell pregnant. We thought we were going to abort after much soul searching. But I couldn't do it and turned out we were both delighted. But it hasn't been easy. We have a difficult dc. I do genuinely feel he loves the dc absolutely and whole heartedly. Possibly more than he loves me, yes. I don't know. I think losing the dc might be a big factor in him staying with me and giving up the ow. The texts I saw were ones claiming they loved each other :( He's given me some bullshit story about being drunk when he sent them (he was, that's how I came to see them), he didn't mean it like that, of course he doesn't love her etc.

My head is just all over the place. I'm full of hatred for her, sometimes I love him desperately, other times I hate him. Bouled I can identify so much with the pain you felt. I'm sick to my stomach half the time. What a mess.

deadlift thank you for taking the time to post such a long messsge. It was three years. My head is too much all over the place to respond coherently :( I will say though that I can't go along with the making the most of myself, I simply don't have the energy. I think I'm ok really - not overweight, do have my hair and nails done etc. But his love shouldn't be dependent on how I look. Just on who I am :(

OP, I'm gutted for you. What a shock and what pain you are going through.

I would say take things slowly and make no quick decisions. You are in shock but he has known for three years exactly how much trouble your marriage was in. Take time to adjust.

A PP said 1. Are you capable of forgiveness?. This is so important. My friend was in an identical situation, they are still together four years later - but she is NOT capable of forgiveness (and I don't blame her in the slightest). She has him there to watch his torment and will never forgive him. So they are both in torment. Not a good result.

@Leylanding Thank you for your kind response to my comment.

First of all, I was not intending that his love be dependent on how you look I was simply suggesting that as a way to give yourself confidence and show him what he is missing!

Please just take some time out for yourself. I think you need a break from everything and focus on you. Do you know if it was 3 years continuously or on and off? I suppose it doesn't make much difference but I am just curious.

I would be tempted to cut all his clothes up, throw them outside and give this OW a good piece of my mind (This is not the best advice probably!) If you need any help or more support please message me. I am newly married myself and would hate to think of this happening to me but I can only pray for you and I believe no matter what you will find yourself again and be strong.

^I think you are partly to blame. I wouldn’t stand for that behaviour from my partner.

Then he could have left, just as you can if you had a partner whose behaviour was unacceptable in your eyes. Never an excuse to cheat, Ever. Absolutely ridiculous and unhelpful comment.

Sorry to hear this OP. It's totally up to you if you stay together and move forward but you will never ever trust him again. Been there, done that. You will always be wondering when he is late home or going out etc what he actually is doing. The way phones are now there are apps that can be used to communicate that don't come through like normal texts and can easily be hidden. It's completely up to you if you stay or go but it unfortunately WILL always be in your mind to some extent.

It was three years pretty continuously. I don't think they saw each other all that much, but they were in contact all that time day and night. You're so right Puppies about never trusting him again (or anyone probably).

If I was strong I'd boot his cheating arse out but he's all I've ever known. How would I go on? I don't want to be lonely in my old age.

Re the Ow - I sort of know who she is. She's had a terrible few years herself and is thought to be a very lovely person. Hah! We have some mutual friends.

We've been having a lot of sex since I found out and I just want to cling on to him and keep him next to me.

As everyone else has said this is hysterical bonding. Look it up and look up the cheaters script.

It wasn’t just sex if they have texts saying they love each other. He’s just telling you more lies. Again, he’s minimising.

Trust me she will not be enjoying all of this! While you are worried what he is doing, she will be the same. Wondering if he is with you, having sex with you, sorting things out with you. She will be going bananas (if that makes you feel a bit better!).

You should stay because you invested 30 years into a marriage and you want to try and see if you can overcome this. You should not stay because you are to scared to leave. Please find the strength within yourself, respect yourself, love yourself and I am sure there must be plenty of organisations out there who can provide emotional support. Please go to your doctor and get refereed to a counsellor for yourself at least.

When did your dc behavioural issues start? I'm just wondering if they suspected the affair which has resulted in them not knowing what to do and acting out. If that is the case it being out in the open might help in the long run.

I've been exactly where you are now and feel for you so much. My ex told me it was just sex but I felt he was trying to minimise his actions. He did all the standard things: told her it was over, told me it was all about me etc. But I didn't believe him. I knew he loved me and would only cheat if he had fallen in love with someone else. I was right. He finally admitted it and my heart was shattered.

At first I stupidly believed I was to blame in some way. We had been having some problems but our sex life was still great. I never believed for one minute we'd split up. Then he cheated! Once I'd got over the shock, I knew there was no going back. I would never trust him and he loved her. I wasn't going to settle for being second choice and my respect for him was gone.

He promised to never speak to her again. Lies. He promised he wanted me. Lies. He promised he'd not go back to her. Lies.

I told him to of course he went straight to her. It didn't last. He tried to worm his way back in - no chance. I truly love him with all my heart by no way would I trust him ever again. There's so much more to the story but he wasn't the man I thought he was.

The constant need for sex is normal, it's how we were. On the day I asked him to leave, we had more sex than ever. Then he told me his heart wasn't in it - I told him t get out. He left without a care in the world.

Here simply is no excuse I can think of where adultery is ok. Decent people speak to each other when they're unhappy.

Once you've got over the shock, I think you'll see things very differently. Keep talking.

Hes a horrible man. Cheating on you and also telling her he loves her. He wants to have his cake and eat it. Sorry OP

You’re hysterically bonding at the moment, you’re marking your territory subconsciously letting OW know he’s yours, this will change when the anger comes and it will and that’s what will help you make a rational decision.

Remember this would still be going on, he never told you nothing you discovered his double life.

He’s still lying to you as he says just sex but yet telling her he loves her.

Nothing has changed for him in fact it’s turned out not too bad he’s getting loads of sex and a wife clinging onto him and no doubt a mistress doing exactly the same.

He told her it was over (doubtful) to save his own skin it wasn’t for your sake.

Hope you have access to his email and other apps because I’d put money on them still being in touch, it’s died down but can easily restart once the dust settles, he must be an expert liar to fool you for 3 years.

You must when the anger comes insist he at least gets an STI test if not yourself and you must give him a consequence or else you’re setting yourself up for more pain and hurt in the future, how else will you find out if he’s genuine if you allow him to carry on like nothing has happened?

Use this place to talk and vent you’ll get absolute unbiased advice.

Re your child don’t let this be the reason you stay he can still be a good dad and share the care without you sacrificing your worth because regardless of your tiredness and grumpiness you did jack shit to deserve this.

Hi OP. I discovered my STBXH was seeing OW last March. We were married 23 years together 25 years. I made him leave. He’d shattered the trust and I knew I’d never get that back.

I thought we had an amazing relationship, we had lovely holidays and had a really good social life, good sex life and we were best friends.......or so I thought!

The last 10 months have been hard but I’m doing really well now. I have good friends who have listened to me endlessly. I’ve posted on MN regularly and have had so much support and good advice.

A colleague discovered her husband of 25 years had been cheating and initially threw him out but she ended up taking him back a few months later, she doesn’t have any peace, constantly worrying he might be at it again. I couldn’t live like that so I’m glad I ended it as soon as I found out.

It’ll hurt like hell initially but time really is a great healer and you will be happy again, I’m sure. I’m making all sorts of plans now with my friends and am, at last, looking forward to the future.

I absolutely adored my STBXH and thought he felt the same about me, clearly I was wrong if he was willing to hurt me so very badly. I can’t forgive him for that.

Hello OP. So so sorry.

Wanted to say that people often say - ‘it’s a deal breaker for me’ - when it’s in abstract. When its not about their relationship and their child.
It’s easy to be black/white in a hypothetical moral situation.
But life often isn’t that straightforward.

So - you don’t need to decide anything now. And you shouldn’t feel bad or pressured into doing anything. It’s your life.

When the shock subsides - you can think about how to proceed.
If you want to rebuild - you’ll need help. It’s imossible without a good counsellor.
And both of you will need to do the work. To understand what each needs from a relationship; what was missing; how it needs to change.

Sex isn’t normally the only issue. But an important one, obviously. But there must be other reasons why there is such a disconnect between your perceptions of the state of your marriage. And all those will need to be talked about or it won’t work.
All of that, of course, on top of healing that will need to happen too.

When you come for air - have a look on YouTube, Esthel Perel. She is a psychologist and works with couples dealing with infidelity.
See if her approach/advice resonates.

I’m so sorry OP, how horrible of Him to carry on for 3 whole bloody years, that is appalling, I’d struggle too OP I really would.

Agree on not having to do anything right now. I hope you seek out some counselling for yourself to discuss all of this and help figure out what would be best for you.

He is a lying sack of shite. A ONS would be just sex but 3 years... no. I'm sure he was telling OW he loved her and he would eventually leave. blah blah blah more lies.

Ley, I am sorry that you are facing such trauma. Your husband secretly brought another woman into your life and marriage for three long years. Such long-term deceit is especially cruel. He has betrayed both you and your child with his sense of entitlement to have a mistress. To this end, he created distance between you. Do not take the blame for his selfish choices.

He is lying to you, and you do not have the whole story. Theirs has been a full-on relationship. In expecting you to believe that it has only about sex, he is treating you like a witless fool.

He is likely not finished with the relationship. Not confessing on his own, rewriting history, saying you have nothing in common, telling her he loved her, and the length of their connection are all clues that this is probably not over. If by chance it is, then he felt entitled to lie to her also, declaring love for 3 years and then dumping her by text. What a prize he is.

He needs to experience some real loss as a consequence of his despicable deception. If you let him stay right now, he will lose even more respect for you. You need time and space to process all of this, away from the turmoil that his presence brings.

was only

Very sorry for the awful betrayal you’re dealing with OP.

Marriages do survive affairs (long ones) but I guess whether yours can depends on whether your H accepts it’s his doing or tries to imply it’s somehow your fault. You say you let your physical relationship slide a bit, but honestly this is not a reason for him to ’top up’ his ‘entitlement’ elsewhere. In a marriage of any longevity, sex will vary over time, sometimes more, sometimes less depending on all sorts of factors. I don’t know about you but my marriage vows did not include a get-out clause ‘to have and to hold as long as we both shall live, provided I get the amount of sex I want.’ He has undermined your trust. Take some time to think, but if he accepts it’s his wrongdoing and commits to finding a way to rebuild your trust again maybe it’s worth a shot? Marriages weather affairs and come out stronger but only if both parties don’t want to be anywhere else.

Sorry not to jump on the ‘leave him!’ Bandwagon, not that i would blame you in the least if you did! But from your posts, you clearly love him and you say he professes that he loves you and has binned this other woman, and you both obviously love your daughter. To my funny little brain it seems a waste not even to try facing what has happened, messy and difficult as that may be, in the hope that you can find a way through it together?

Best of everything to you OP whatever you decide x

Re the Ow - I sort of know who she is. She's had a terrible few years herself and is thought to be a very lovely person. Hah! We have some mutual friends.

Awful. One thing that really pissed me off when it came out about my h cheating is that everyone always thought he was such a nice guy too. One friend of his I spoke to commented how she now understood why he and ow were so friendly together sitting together in the pub and elsewhere, (obviously I wasn't around on these occasions), and how much of a genuine and nice guy he was... I'm sorry, but genuine nice guys don't carry on with other women behind their partners back.

I'd be slightly concerned that him dumping ow would result in her badmouthing and undermining you to mutual friends. Are there going to be any situations in which you will all be in the same place at the same time? And has he definitively told her he wants absolutely nothing more to do with her and why? It's a difficult decision whether to keep it all quiet or not, but you may not be doing yourself (or your relationship, if he gets away Scot free with no consequences) any favors by keeping it quiet.

I hope you have someone to talk to, I would also recommend reading Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, and the Surviving Infidelity website, if they haven't already been mentioned.

Thank you for all your messages, I have read them all I promise but I don't seem to have the ability to retain any information at the minute. My head is buzzing, I'm cold all the time, I can't eat :(. My whole life has been pushed over.

I'm fairly sure he has no contact with her any more, I have access to his phone and emails. We have one friend in common but I can avoid seeing her easily enough. I just am paranoid that he hasn't told me everything and I keep wondering things like is she better than me in bed. Also like has been mentioned - would he have told me if I hadn't have found out? Probably not :(