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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Great first date but I've not heard from him since

153 replies

lostindreams · 09/01/2019 21:29

Met up on Saturday. Thought it would just be a quick coffee in the afternoon but we stayed out for 7 hours and had dinner. He had vague plans with his friends that evening but stayed out with me instead. No kiss at the end of the night but I did send him a message after saying I had a great time and we should do it again soon. He replied straightaway agreeing but now nothing! There was definitely chemistry.

Why stay out so long with someone if you're not that bothered?! Some of my friends think I should just text him but I feel like I've made it obvious I'm keen already.

OP posts:
BlancheM · 10/01/2019 18:36

Mandala but it's been one date. You need to establish some sort of convo otherwise why bother with a second date with someone who isn't keen on even talking to you?
If OP gets a noncommittal response from him then she will know he isn't fussed and then can delete and move on....instead of guesswork

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 10/01/2019 18:46

She did get a non commital response!
She said they should go out again again soon. He just agreed.
He didn’t ask when would be a good time or suggest anything.
Polite. But utterly non committal.

AnaViaSalamanca · 10/01/2019 19:07

Did you meet him online or in person? If online then if he didn't want to see you he would have blocked you already. Don't send any tester texts, just be direct, confident, and polite. Either you will arrange something, or he will chicken out. However if you know him in real life, he might kind of want to fade out in case he is going to see you in social situations so in that case proceed carefully.

Not every man in the world is aggressive. A lot of guys have same issues with rejection and shyness. And with all the media stuff about stalking and metoo etc, a lot of men are mortally scared of coming across as pests. I have a male friend who is somewhat shy with women, and doesn't ask women out on second dates unless they clearly tell him they want to see him again (and he is very alpha in his job).

NOTthepinkranger · 10/01/2019 19:15

I had this issue recently OP

I ended up just texting him asking was he actually interested in another date or not. Dating should be fun not mind games and always wondering.

DayAfterTomorrow · 10/01/2019 19:44

Have to say, I wouldn't text after one date and follow up communication described by the OP.

However, I did call someone out for ghosting me after 5 months. I just messaged him and I understood if he'd changed his mind but said I was disappointed that he'd opted for ghosting because he'd come across as a bit better than that.

He replied and apologised; I blocked him.

E20mom · 10/01/2019 19:49

If he's interested he'll contact you, I wouldn't message him again,

Teaandtoastie · 10/01/2019 19:54

Send a text! Maybe just a ‘how’s your week going?’

DayAfterTomorrow · 10/01/2019 20:02

Send a text! Maybe just a ‘how’s your week going?’

He'll just ignore it or respond with a non-committal, "Good thanks. How's yours?"

The text ball is already in his court and, tbh, I find 'prompt' texts irritating and obvious tbh.

NOTthepinkranger · 10/01/2019 20:05

day I’m glad you pulled up a ghoster, I can’t stand people who ghost it’s so fucking rude, just say you’re not interested. Women are definitely better at saying where they stand after dates.

forumdonkey · 10/01/2019 20:27

So many sweeping generalisations about if a man is interested he'll text. He might be sat at home thinking the same thing as OP.

It's hardly looking desperate or needy sending one text and seeing if she gets a reply. At least OP can get definite closure one way or the other. If there's no reply - move on and delete. If he replies then bonus. Seriously what have you got to lose?

DayAfterTomorrow · 10/01/2019 21:10

So many sweeping generalisations about if a man is interested he'll text. He might be sat at home thinking the same thing as OP.

I don't think it's that "if a man is interested he'll text" but, at think stage, I think that there is a bit of 'ping pong' where texting is concerned.

She was the last one to text. So it falls to him to text next. Generally it is understood that, in these circumstances, if the person whose 'turn' it is to text chooses not to, that's 'understood' as a lack of interest.

TheFifthKey · 10/01/2019 21:19

I agree that as she texted last, there’s no way he doesn’t understand that it’s now up to him to initiate something. Like fuck isnhe sitting around wondering if she’ll contact him or feeling shy! She asked about another date, kept up a chat and he’s just left her on read! That’s deliberate IMO.

MumsyJ · 10/01/2019 22:29

All in all OP, let us know how it all pans out eventually.

Original poster
lostindreams · 10/01/2019 22:53

Thanks for all the replies everyone. It's been really interesting to read all the responses. I think for now I won't text but I reserve the right to change my mind in a few days. :)

I do have another date with someone else lined up this weekend so it's not like I'm sat at home twiddling my thumbs waiting for him. OLD is tough! Was feeling quite hopeful but now starting to feel a bit jaded about it all. Feels like a miracle to find someone you actually like but then they need to like you back too.

Will keep you all posted if he suddenly materialises!

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 10/01/2019 22:58

Urgh how frustrating! I agree though don't text.

HappyLazzer · 10/01/2019 23:10

I think that if he was really into you he would have text. However, you obviously like him so why not send him a "hi, how's your week going?" text and go from there. At least then you'll know one way or the other how interested he is rather than living in limbo.

LaughingCow99 · 10/01/2019 23:36

I would not text. You met online, his lack of contact suggests he isn't bothered about you organising other dates.

Next.....

SandAndSea · 10/01/2019 23:48

I think you're right not to message him again. I think he would most likely contact you if he was interested. Or, at best, you could be starting a relationship with someone who leaves all the initiating to you. (Which I'm sure would wear thin.)

I also think you shouldn't have to think so much about what to do. When you're a match, it just flows into place.

Good luck with it all!

Kemer2018 · 11/01/2019 08:55

On to the next one x x

VietnameseCrispyFish · 11/01/2019 09:05

Not every man in the world is aggressive. A lot of guys have same issues with rejection and shyness. And with all the media stuff about stalking and metoo etc, a lot of men are mortally scared of coming across as pests. I have a male friend who is somewhat shy with women, and doesn't ask women out on second dates unless they clearly tell him they want to see him again (and he is very alpha in his job).

Oh give over lol, if you’re bending over backwards trying to come up with reasons he’s not messaging OP other than not actually being into her, then it’s not exactly a good sign is it? 😂 the simplest explanation is usually most likely: men who are into a woman will be in touch and trying to see her and progress the dating. Far more empowering to just accept it and move on than try scrape the barrel coming up with alternative scenarios!

Your friend would ask OP out again anyway given that she’s been crystal clear she’s interested (asking him out initially, then saying she wanted to do it again, being the first to message after the date). Any guy who could take all of that and still be too scared to ask someone out has issues likely incompatible with dating anyway! It’d be like pulling teeth.

Glad you have another date set up OP! Best way to do OLD is go on plenty of dates, keeps you busy and unavailable, stops you putting eggs in one basket mooning over someone, and builds your confidence.

Original poster
lostindreams · 13/01/2019 13:04

Little update: he got in touch on Friday just as I was coming back from a disappointing date. We've fixed up a second date but now he's taking ages to get back to texts so I'm getting vibes he's not that bothered. We'll see but this may be a non-starter. Will continue with OLD and seeing who else is out there!

OP posts:
MumsyJ · 13/01/2019 13:36

Remember the kissing of god knows how many frogs before finding your Prince saying?
Keep dating, when the right one comes along, you'll definitely feel it.... I'm speaking from experience of OLD even though I craved the conventional way of meeting someone but that never happened and it eventually happened online. X

LatteYumYum · 13/01/2019 13:45

When's the second date planned for? Probably worth going but if he continues being a slow responder after that then I'd sack him off!

SandAndSea · 13/01/2019 14:11

I would call it quits for the sake of your self-esteem. Decide now how you want to be treated and act on that.

Original poster
lostindreams · 13/01/2019 14:38

Potentially Sunday. He's just texted to ask if we can meet in the morning (!) as he now has plans in the afternoon. Who goes on a date in the morning? Not sure there's any point in meeting up now.

OP posts: