how can i get DH to treat DC and me with respect and love?

[frustratedwineaholic]

Hi, I am felling really stuck in my relationship. I want to end out marriage but I can't. He will not leave our house and I have been advised by a solicitor not to leave as then I will be unlikely to ever get back into our home or receive any equity from it. This is why I am asking for advice on how to change my husband. I know you can't really change people, they themselves have to want to change but I'm so desperate.

we have 4 dc, only the younger 2 are dh's. they are 12, 10, 6 and 4. DH is usually grumpy and always finds a way to suck the fun out of everything involving the dc. when we have a rare night off he is different, but mostly only if we are with friends. He hates being wrong and can never apologise. he tells the dc not to shout but then shouts at them, he never listens to them, just jumps to conclusions and unfairly punishes them by sending them to bed early, when when i attempt to calmly explain why they did whatever it was and he knows he has over reacted he will not back down, he just becomes angry and starts shouting at me. a few recent examples,
DS2 is like Jeckyl and Hyde, one minute he is the ost loving, cuddly little 6 yr old and he next he just seems to get this look in his eye and he is horrible, he spits, throws things, kicks and hits me and dc, tries to run away all because of the slightest thing like time to close he pet cage. This morning he got up early, he shares a room with DS1, DS1 is in the top bunk and DS2 the bottom, he took his pull up off (diagnosed over active bladder) and threw it at DS1 face then spat at him for no reason. I had an operation yesterday so still under affects of general anaesthetic and was call DS2 to stop, DS1 was shouting Mummy help, I got out of bed, held onto the wall for dizzyness and held DS2 hand puling him away, DH came out o the kitchen and sent both DS to time out, I got cross as DH is always picking on DS1 in my eyes and told him DS1 is not going to time out and DH shouted at me that he was shouting so people down the road could hear, I said he was calling for help as DS2 was throwing a wet nappy at him and spitting at him and DH starting shouting at me for having a go at him and threatened to go to work and leave me to it, it was 6am and DH was going to work late to enable him to do the school run following my operation. I just backed down as I know him well enough to know he would go off and leave me. I had aa major operation 2 years ago and couldn't walk easily or lift anything, he stormed off the following day after an argument and left me unable to eve have a cup of tea. Anyway, he as then in an awful mood, storming about, telling everyone off for the slightest thing, made my DD1 cry as he refused to get her a toilet roll from the cupboard as she should have go it herself before sitting down. in the middle of all this chaos DS2 is still being a total nightmare, he poured salt into the last of the milk so my DS1 lost his temper with DS2 and picked him up from the breakfast bar stool and roughly put him on the floor, DH went mad and DS1 bravely told him he has had enough of being blamed for everything, he said he wont be here later, DH told him he is going to bed early for his mouth.

I can't take anymore, I called a local counselling service to enquire about family counselling but I can't afford it.

Any advice gratefully received.

He has no interest in changing so you won't be able to change him. Getting advice about separation is a better use of your time. Sounds like a horrible environment for everyone and worst for your kids cos they have no choice.

My advice is find a better solicitor, he sounds a bullying, vile bastard and is a terrible role model for the children.

You really need to leave this horrible man, he’s an awful father and no kind of partner.

He will not change, he does this to you because he can and this also works for him. You can only change how you yourself react.

Womens Aid and the Rights of Women are two organisations I would urge you to contact asap.

You do not need family counselling and such counselling with an abuser is never advisable or infact recommended. Your children cannot afford to grow up within such an environment in which they are seeing their mother abused. It affects them badly.

You also need a better solicitor and one at that who is well versed in the ways of abusive and manipulative men.

I know you can't really change people, they themselves have to want to change but I'm so desperate.

You're right, love, you can't change anyone. You need to work out how to get yourself and your poor kids out of this toxic environment into a safe house for you all away from your h.

You need a better solicitor, like Attila says. Your h is vile, violent bully. Time to show him you won't be bullied.

Do not have counselling with this 'man'. Can you tell family or friends what's been happening? Can you confide in anyone?

i don't think he is abusive, he is just a grumpy arsehole. he works really hard, full time job plus full renovations on our house. this is one of the reasons i know he won't lee as he has done the most work on the house making it nice for or family. he is not all bad.

He sounds horrible.
And your solicitor is wrong.
Please do contact Womens Aid.
They can give you advice and the numbers of solicitors in your area who specialise in dealing with abusive assholes!
Legal advice is what you need urgently.
For now though, stop doing anything for him.
Live as separately as you can from him.
Book weekends with family and friends - away from him.
Stop doing any of his washing, cooking, cleaning, shopping, ironing.
Your 6YO is already copying his behaviour.
Time to plan your exit urgently.
Womens Aid can help you with that too.
Do NOT - I repeat do NOT have joint counselling with this nasty bully.
Just make your plans to get away asap.
This is now a priority for you and mostly your poor DC!

He's a nasty abusive bully! Your poor older children, definitely favouritism there and your 6yo knows it, so he plays up on it.

This stuff sounds low level but it will chip away at your dc's self worth.

Your gearing yourself up for a whole load of emotional problems here. Please leave him.

The fact you don't see this as abuse is very very worrying.
Mainly for your DC as you are raising them in an abusive household.
That abuse is directed at them as well as you.
You need to protect your DC from all of this.

Lots of people work hard but are still abusers.
What? Do you think all abusers are totally obvious and have no job, live on a council estate!? Because that is so far from the truth.

DH is usually grumpy and always finds a way to suck the fun out of everything involving the dc – this IS abuse

he tells the dc not to shout but then shouts at them – this IS abuse

unfairly punishes them by sending them to bed early – this IS abuse

he just becomes angry and starts shouting at me – This IS abuse

I just backed down as I know him well enough to know he would go off and leave me – this IS the effects of his abuse

he stormed off the following day after an argument and left me unable to eve have a cup of tea – this is nasty

he as then in an awful mood, storming about, telling everyone off for the slightest thing – this IS abuse

Bullying is abusive
Verbal abuse is just that - abuse
Stonewalling, gaslighting, etc...
Do you have access to money?
Do you work?
Is your name on the mortgage?

Please do get the Lundy Bancroft book – Why Does He Do That!?
You will find your bullying, abusive prick of a DH in there!
Google all forms of abuse and google the cycle of abuse.

But for the love of god - get your poor DC out of that environment as a matter of urgency.

What hellsbellsmelons has written here. You may well have become completely conditioned and desensitised to his abuse of you and in turn these children.

I gave up my job in September and started university full time. I have access to money, i get my student finance and child tax credit as well as child maintenance from exDH. I have an interview on Thursday for a relief contract as when needed.

I have tried countless times to leave him but I just can't do it. I know he is prick, I find myself pointlessly wishing he would have an affair and leave me and DC in peace.

this is going to make me look awful and I know its weak and shameful f me but I am trained in domestic abuse recovery and emotional health and parenting. Its just so much harder when it is you and your life.

I try to keep the peace, I pick my moments to talk t DH about how he is making us all feel, he usually replies with something plausible and I am left thinking it is me. My older DC tell me they hate him. my 4 yr old DD sees me crying and cuddles me telling me its ok, she knows its because daddy shouts.

I am a bit scatty and forgetful, I don't notice every time the DC do something they shouldn't, DH tells me I don't give a fuck. he says he has to tell hem of as I don't. I try telling him I have learnt a better way, he refuses to listen to me and just mocks me saying if my parenting course is so good why are he kids so bad and don't listen t me.
I managed to convince him to attend a dad's parenting course about a year ago, I had placed all my hopes on it transforming his thought patterns and approach to parenting but it has made no difference.

I don't want to move into rented accommodation, why should me and Dc have to give up our home? I have worked hard for this too, DH is a tyrant, he won't be working without me helping, I have helped plasterboarding, plumbing, painting, sanding down, he even knocked me out by dropping the tv aerial on my head whilst he was attaching it o he roof, I was holding the ladder. everything I do is wrong or not good enough.

just this morning I asked him t get some milk on his way back from the school run as he had 30 mins until he had to be at work 15 mins away, he said he didn't have time and asked me to get up and make him a sandwich. he then came home with the milk so I thanked him, he left saying i had to lock the back gate as it is randomly open this morning and sort the washing out and put more washing on. I was just sat up in bed with my surgical stockings still on thinking what the hell am I doing here! I'm not even supposed to be left alone for 24 hours!

And yes, the mortgage is in joint name and house is owned as joint tenants.

I'd get a different solicitor or at least a second opinion regarding equity in the house. If you are joint owners, you own half the house surely.

He's wrecking your kids though. No wonder they are badly behaved and wetting the bed. If you can't leave for yourself leave for them. No house is nice enough to be worth fucking your kids up. Your eldest son especially will resent you for not protecting him.

That sounds harsh. I know it's not easy. My sister left her abusive husband. Left the house my parents had helped the buy and worked on. Ten years on her ex lives there happily(?) now with his new victim while my sister lives in a rented place. Her life is so much better now though. Sadly though I suspect she left a bit late for one of her boys and the damage was done.

yes I own half the house.

the solicitor said if it went to court they would most likely allow me and DC to remain in the house until DC4 is 19, i would have to pay the mortgage and he would have to remain on the mortgage as I would be unable to buy him out. he would have to pay child maintenance. however, this would all cost a fortune in legal fees and i can't afford it. she suggested mediation and said the mediator would most likely come to the same conclusion as her but DH would still need to agree it. I know he wont, he would rather go through court and loose everything just so I don't get it all. The solicitor also said if we agreed to sell the house I would get all the equity as I have the biggest housing need to rehouse the 4 DC. Either way DH has already told me he will smash the place up rather than let me benefit from all his hard work. I can understand where he is coming from, he wouldn't afford to buy again, his mum put £20,000 into this house, i don't want to be a bitch.

Women's Aid. Please. ASAP.

Walk away, divorce him in three years time, force a sale and take half the equity minus the 20k. Seriously, three years time, chances are he will have calmed down and probably found someone else.

And if it all goes wrong and you get no money from the house, well that's harsh but at least your kids are not suffering,

LTB

does anyone think his is saveable?

sorry about the typos and missed letters

No - He's not savable!
You are not a saviour!
YOU cannot fix him!
You can however, put your poor DC first and get them the hell out of there.
No man is worth the mental health of your DC.
NO MAN!!!!!!

Sorry my love it doesn't sound saveable. You can't save it on your own, can you, and he isn't aware or willing to change by the sound of it.
I know where you're coming from with the house renovations, I had an awful time of it where I basically had no choice but to neglect my children in favour of helping him with the work, in my case he would get violent if anything went wrong but even the shouting at the children and lack of support and disrespect to you are awful.
It is not an easy decision to make I know. There will always be some redeeming feature, you clearly wouldn't have picked a monster to marry would you? But once the true colours show you know that is what you will live with for ever, because we can only change ourself at the end of the day.
Its always a bad sign when the children say
Talk to the support services others have mentioned, and get a clearer picture of your options. Even if they are not great, it may be better than where you are now, but in any case, you need to decide what you are prepared to put up with and what the payback is if you stay.
Do you have any family - in my case they were my lifeline, even though I'd pretended for years that everything was fine - they had seen through it all and completely had my back.

No this is not saveable. I wonder why you asked that.

And you need a different solicitor as well to act for you, someone who says mediation with your abuser is someone who does not understand abuse within relationships. You are not safe to do mediation with him in any event, you will cooperate whilst he will not do so.

Did you yourself grow up within such an abusive home too?. What is in this relationship now for you?

My first advice is when he threatens to leave you to it, you threaten to tell anyone who will listen. He’ll leave you to do the school runs? You say back, I will happily list you threatening to abandon your wife after a major surgery and place her in care of 4 minors you know she can’t handle without detrimental effect to her recovery as one of the examples of “unreasonable behaviour”

I will also call the schools and make sure they are aware the reason the children will be absent from school today is because their parent had a hissy fit and abandoned them and their ill mother.

Your poor children.

A house isn't worth their childhood and mental health. This abuse is going to scar them and teach them all the wrongs things about relationships.

I bet if you told the Police some of this, they'd be interested in the Domestic Abuse you are enduring.

You realise, in your professional capacity, the damage this is doing to your dc and that the dc's behavioural problems are linked to having an abusive grumpy bastard of a father?

I don't see how you can afford to stay, knowing that.