how can i get DH to treat DC and me with respect and love?

[frustratedwineaholic]

Hi, I am felling really stuck in my relationship. I want to end out marriage but I can't. He will not leave our house and I have been advised by a solicitor not to leave as then I will be unlikely to ever get back into our home or receive any equity from it. This is why I am asking for advice on how to change my husband. I know you can't really change people, they themselves have to want to change but I'm so desperate.

we have 4 dc, only the younger 2 are dh's. they are 12, 10, 6 and 4. DH is usually grumpy and always finds a way to suck the fun out of everything involving the dc. when we have a rare night off he is different, but mostly only if we are with friends. He hates being wrong and can never apologise. he tells the dc not to shout but then shouts at them, he never listens to them, just jumps to conclusions and unfairly punishes them by sending them to bed early, when when i attempt to calmly explain why they did whatever it was and he knows he has over reacted he will not back down, he just becomes angry and starts shouting at me. a few recent examples,
DS2 is like Jeckyl and Hyde, one minute he is the ost loving, cuddly little 6 yr old and he next he just seems to get this look in his eye and he is horrible, he spits, throws things, kicks and hits me and dc, tries to run away all because of the slightest thing like time to close he pet cage. This morning he got up early, he shares a room with DS1, DS1 is in the top bunk and DS2 the bottom, he took his pull up off (diagnosed over active bladder) and threw it at DS1 face then spat at him for no reason. I had an operation yesterday so still under affects of general anaesthetic and was call DS2 to stop, DS1 was shouting Mummy help, I got out of bed, held onto the wall for dizzyness and held DS2 hand puling him away, DH came out o the kitchen and sent both DS to time out, I got cross as DH is always picking on DS1 in my eyes and told him DS1 is not going to time out and DH shouted at me that he was shouting so people down the road could hear, I said he was calling for help as DS2 was throwing a wet nappy at him and spitting at him and DH starting shouting at me for having a go at him and threatened to go to work and leave me to it, it was 6am and DH was going to work late to enable him to do the school run following my operation. I just backed down as I know him well enough to know he would go off and leave me. I had aa major operation 2 years ago and couldn't walk easily or lift anything, he stormed off the following day after an argument and left me unable to eve have a cup of tea. Anyway, he as then in an awful mood, storming about, telling everyone off for the slightest thing, made my DD1 cry as he refused to get her a toilet roll from the cupboard as she should have go it herself before sitting down. in the middle of all this chaos DS2 is still being a total nightmare, he poured salt into the last of the milk so my DS1 lost his temper with DS2 and picked him up from the breakfast bar stool and roughly put him on the floor, DH went mad and DS1 bravely told him he has had enough of being blamed for everything, he said he wont be here later, DH told him he is going to bed early for his mouth.

I can't take anymore, I called a local counselling service to enquire about family counselling but I can't afford it.

Any advice gratefully received.

You know the answers to your questions, you just don’t want to hear them. Your situation will not change if you don’t force the change. Waiting for him to be different has already cost your children part of their childhoods.

Hoping and handwringing are strategies that haven’t worked for you. It’s time to make contact with the above recommended agencies and get the ball rolling. He’s abusive and if you don’t start getting third parties involved to keep to document his behaviour, then you will sacrifice even more of your children’s childhoods.

Be honest with yourself as to why you are reluctant to do what you need to do. What is it? Embarrassment, fear or losing the apoearence of control?

So your solicitor gave you advice that you would get a settlement, rather than you would lose the house if you left?

This is most likely, of he smashed up the house, you could call the police and he would likely to be charged.

You can apply for a divorce and he is likely to get advice to settle..I know it's scary but your children need you to act to protect them. How awful that they have to continue living like this.

Yes this is abusive, dysfunctional and coercive control. If you think that you can absorb 100% of the toxicity and emotional blows and shield your DCs from this you are wrong.

We all only have a finite amount of emotional and physical energy which we need to prioritise and deploy carefully. You need to do this more than most as you have 4 DCs who are getting nothing positive from their DF and only crumbs from you as you are exhausted and drained by managing this vile man. Cut him out, restore yourself and focus your finite emotional and physical energy on your DCs who have significant needs right now.

As others have said, get better legal advice and move on. Wishing you strength and focus.

He has just come home from work, he took over putting dcs to bed as I was in pain then asked me why I seem like I’m in a mood. I said I’m upset about the way he behaved this morning. He raised his voice and began swearing, saying I was blaming it all on him. I said I’m not I’m just saying you did not need to shout at everyone, it was only DS2 that was misbehaving, he just proceeded to play the victim and say I was always saying everything is his fault, the then said he was going out, I said he needed to be back by 9 as have to pick DS1 up from his club, he said I can wake all dc up and take them all. I followed your advice and replied that I will have to tell everyone or ask my parents to collect him as he has gone off in a strop. He is now sat in our bedroom watching tv sulking.

Oh, he also said “I take it you want a divorce again, go for it, do what the fuck you want”

If only he meant it.

Doesn't matter if he doesn't mean it, you can't do anything about that. It needs to be you that means it.

I tried to make the best of living with my dc’s abusive father when they were little. A lot of what you write brings back painful memories. I tried everything to hold it together, thought I could shield them. Impossible. A lot of the problems they have as adults today I put down to that mistake.

Give yourself a couple of days to fully accept what you have to do for their future.

It’s not that easy, he will kick off, use the kids as weapons, sulk, create an awful atmosphere, make snide comments, Todd and turn in bed so he bumps into me or pulls the covers off. Make loads of noise at night to wake me or kids up and not see to them, make a mess in the kitchen and purposely leave it to me to clean up..... the list is endless

So stay, do nothing, let your dc grow up in this environment with increasing behavioural issues, and resent you for it as adults and repeat the cycle in their own relationships.

How can you stay with someone that your kids hate?
All your kids are suffering here - your 4 year old’s words are heartbreaking.
Get yourself well after your op then start getting things together, get a better solicitor etc. You’ll all be miserable if you don’t (including your H by the sounds of it).

It’s a damn sight harder to stay and let your children see you as their mother being abused than to leave. They are being profoundly affected as well and this is coming out in how they are behaving at home which is now akin to a war zone, it’s certainly not their sanctuary.

It goes without saying that he will make the process of you divorcing from him as long and drawn out as possible but no obstacle is actually insurmountable here. It is also you preventing you from actually taking the steps to end this sham of a marriage.

Your own relation with your children could we, be damaged going forward if you stay because they could accuse you of putting him before them.

Can I just remind you that people divorce day in and day out, nobody divorces because they’re in a good and happy marriage. Everybody faces obstacles and difficulties.

I’ll also tell you I was in a terrible relationship and couldn’t see a way out, the damage that bastard did to my daughter is immense. We’re out now and the sun started to shine again but I’ll always feel guilty and it will take a long time to put my daughter back together again.

This man will never, ever change.

I;m really sorry but you are going to ruin your children's lives by avoiding the confrontation of leaving this man.

Only you can solve this OP and it's not going to be by changing him. You can't change him. You already know that

Honestly I'd rather walk away without a penny than live in the situation you describe. Your children will be affected forever if you don't act now.

Thank you, I am reading all the posts and trying to take it all in. I know I have to leave him, I just don’t know the best way. Do I just find a rental and move out without discussion, I’m worried he will stop paying the mortgage though and the house will be re possessed meaning I loose everything financially. Or do I yet again attempt to discuss it with him, try to stay in our house, go through solicitors to reach an agreement? My worry is this will all take too long, the kids will witness more, and I will placate him to keep the peace then end up with false hope all over again.

It’s such a mess

I think I'd move out and be prepared to start over financially if it came to it. It's a tough pill to swallow, but some things are more important. You will have a claim on the marital assets and you can decide how hard you want to fight for those from outside the house.

Your dc are growing up in a really destructive environment. Your elder ds shouldn't have to be "brave" while you're backing down and unable to stand up for them. Where do you think that's going to lead as he gets older? As all of them get older and challenge your dh more?

I’m worried he will stop paying the mortgage though and the house will be re possessed

BFF did a midnight flit with their toddler as her DH had told her 'you will leave when I tell you that you can leave and not one moment before or you will pay the price'. He stopped paying the mortgage. The house went on the market, he refused to let people in for viewings. Yes, they lost the house. BFF felt that, in the end, there was no price to be put on her freedom, her safety, her mental and physical health, and that of her child.

What price would you put on yours and your children's?

Please call Women's Aid.

Short term it’s fucking stress and hard work and expensive.

Long term you’re free of this arsehole and your kids get a chance of a calmer childhood.

You’re mainly feeling like shit because you just had an operation. Give yourself a few days to get your strength up and then get yourself OUT of that situation. You can do this. We are all behind you.

Thank you for the support, I have just booked a viewing on a house, feel like everything is spiralling out of control. I just know if it don’t just do it I never will, it’s will all get brushed under the carpet until next time which will most likely be next month.

He was a twat again this morning so it’s spurring me on

I have just sent DH this, not had a response yet although I know he is on lunch.

You were right yesterday, I think we would all be happier if we separated. I will leave it up to you, either I can move out and you continue paying mortgage and take over bills or I will take over mortgage payments if you leave. Obviously we need to sort out finances long term but we can’t keep living like this whilst that happens. I don’t want to argue.

Preparing for the fallout, I feel sick, I just keep imagining the kids wanting to come home from school and being allowed to relax and bring friends back, I wish I could fast forward this bit

I think you need to pack a 'bug out bag'. Just a couple of days clothes, meds, and important papers for you and DC. Also, if you don't have your own money, enough cash for a cab and a couple nights at a hotel. Hide it somewhere he won't look.

Now that you've told him it's over, you want to be in a position to make a quick exit if you need to.

I wouldn't have given a heads-up but it's done now.
If you have anymore messaging then don't use passive language.
I think should be I know
I will leave it up to you should be as you won't take any action, I will take control of this situation

Well done though OP. You are taking steps in the right direction.
I would consult a solicitor asap and talk through your options.
Try a few - don't just settle. Some are far more informed and pushy than others!

Yes, pack an emergency bag with a few days' worth of stuff, including important documents like passport and whatever else you can find.

And do try other solicitors. They do differ.

Is he likely to become violent? I fear he may, so be careful. Have your phone on you and be prepared to call 999.