how can i get DH to treat DC and me with respect and love?

[frustratedwineaholic]

Hi, I am felling really stuck in my relationship. I want to end out marriage but I can't. He will not leave our house and I have been advised by a solicitor not to leave as then I will be unlikely to ever get back into our home or receive any equity from it. This is why I am asking for advice on how to change my husband. I know you can't really change people, they themselves have to want to change but I'm so desperate.

we have 4 dc, only the younger 2 are dh's. they are 12, 10, 6 and 4. DH is usually grumpy and always finds a way to suck the fun out of everything involving the dc. when we have a rare night off he is different, but mostly only if we are with friends. He hates being wrong and can never apologise. he tells the dc not to shout but then shouts at them, he never listens to them, just jumps to conclusions and unfairly punishes them by sending them to bed early, when when i attempt to calmly explain why they did whatever it was and he knows he has over reacted he will not back down, he just becomes angry and starts shouting at me. a few recent examples,
DS2 is like Jeckyl and Hyde, one minute he is the ost loving, cuddly little 6 yr old and he next he just seems to get this look in his eye and he is horrible, he spits, throws things, kicks and hits me and dc, tries to run away all because of the slightest thing like time to close he pet cage. This morning he got up early, he shares a room with DS1, DS1 is in the top bunk and DS2 the bottom, he took his pull up off (diagnosed over active bladder) and threw it at DS1 face then spat at him for no reason. I had an operation yesterday so still under affects of general anaesthetic and was call DS2 to stop, DS1 was shouting Mummy help, I got out of bed, held onto the wall for dizzyness and held DS2 hand puling him away, DH came out o the kitchen and sent both DS to time out, I got cross as DH is always picking on DS1 in my eyes and told him DS1 is not going to time out and DH shouted at me that he was shouting so people down the road could hear, I said he was calling for help as DS2 was throwing a wet nappy at him and spitting at him and DH starting shouting at me for having a go at him and threatened to go to work and leave me to it, it was 6am and DH was going to work late to enable him to do the school run following my operation. I just backed down as I know him well enough to know he would go off and leave me. I had aa major operation 2 years ago and couldn't walk easily or lift anything, he stormed off the following day after an argument and left me unable to eve have a cup of tea. Anyway, he as then in an awful mood, storming about, telling everyone off for the slightest thing, made my DD1 cry as he refused to get her a toilet roll from the cupboard as she should have go it herself before sitting down. in the middle of all this chaos DS2 is still being a total nightmare, he poured salt into the last of the milk so my DS1 lost his temper with DS2 and picked him up from the breakfast bar stool and roughly put him on the floor, DH went mad and DS1 bravely told him he has had enough of being blamed for everything, he said he wont be here later, DH told him he is going to bed early for his mouth.

I can't take anymore, I called a local counselling service to enquire about family counselling but I can't afford it.

Any advice gratefully received.

Your kids are IN an broken home and THEY will become even more broken and damaged for every day that you expose them to him.

They are best to be FROM a broken home where you can work unhindered to restore them.

Don’t apologise or communicate with this man. Why are you expecting him to be logical, fair, rational and kind? He is not capable of that.

However you can demonstrate that you have your children’s backs to them by being strong, silent, dignified and focused. Don’t let him get to you.

I really hope you stay strong and go through with moving out / divorce. The whole relationship sounds completely toxic, and I feel so sorry for the kids.

You say yourself the oldest two don't like him. The kids don't have a choice about where they live - it's up to you as their mother, and instead of making sure their home is a safe, comforting place to grow up, you're making them live with an adult who upsets them and treats them badly.

Your DS2 sounds as if he's picked up on your OH's Jeckel and Hyde act. Do you see any similarities between their behaviour? DS2 needs some firm, consistent parenting - just as you're trying to do, but it needs to be somewhere that your OH can't over-rule you.

I'm not saying this to upset you, but your posts read as if you're not yet convinced you need to divorce. Ask yourself - would your kids be in a better environment with or without your OH?

Definitely without DH LannieDuck.

Thanks another20, I just feel like such a failure, I DON’T NEED HIM but for some crazy reason I still feel unable to let go. I’m petrified of doing all this even though I know it’s the right thing to do and I can imagine a happy house without DH.

I have just had a chat with another solicitor, she was lovely but doesn’t do legal aid. She told me to get a mediation appointment booked ASAP, the mediator and the court would most likely agree myself and DC should remain in the house as there is not enough equity to rehouse us. I feel really uneasy about it though, DH has worked really hard on the house, he doesn’t deserve to have to move back with his DM and me to stay here, it would just add insult to injury and make contact even more unbareable, the kids would suffer more. I know legally I won’t have to move but it just doesn’t feel right. Then again, if I move out I will have no housing need and he will so he will stay in the house until sold then I would only get 50% which I won’t be able to do anything with anyway. If only he was reasonable and agreed to just sell the house now and sort out who gets what like normal people.

The best thing to do is get the Mediation Appointment and take it one step at a time. You are jumping ahead to the What ifs.
That is what makes you talk yourself out of it every time.
One step at a time. Make the Mediation Appointment. One step at a time.

You are not 'just as bad' as him. You just need to observe your own behaviour more in these confrontational situations. Without Judging yourself! It's extremely difficult not to be emotionally triggered by someone close to you.
Both of you are swinging from the opposites of intense neediness/fear of separation to the pushing away and treating each other like shit.
You push him away because he's being abusive. Then the fear of being alone makes you run back to him. The texts and abusive point scoring behaviour towards each other is still 'communication' but it's bad unhelpful communication. If that's the only communication in town and anger is the only currency you are trading with, then it's time to end that cycle.
You sound like both emotional people. Your lives are hell at the minute. Go to the Mediation Appointment. If you really want to stay together you need mediation and counselling and stop these Blaming strategies.

Agree just get talking to the experts and professionals - take their direction for what you need to do next.

Stop wasting your headspace worrying about options that you don’t even know are realistic yet. Free that up to attend to your DC emotional needs.

There might be a temporary/interim solution where you get to stay whilst the house is sold - so least disruption for 4 children so they don’t have to move twice.

However you do need a mindset that YOU are responsible for housing 5 people - 4 vulnerable children. He has only himself to worry about......but YOU still seem to be worrying about him too - why?

Your thinking on this doesn't make an awful lot of sense to me.

If he had treated you and the dc halfway decently, this wouldn't be happening: try seeing it as a natural consequence. Why would physical effort on a possession (house) outweigh emotional harm and lack of effort with his family? Why should the dc have to suffer more upheaval than necessary so he can be comfortable?

It's your decision, but why are his wants still so bloody important? (You could always be generous when you can afford to be, when the dc are grown up.)

Don't fool yourself that by giving him the house, you'll make the split more amicable. He'll take it as his due, not a kindness, and be the same as ever. He won't respect it.

But again, whatever it takes to get out.

Please stop thinking of that bastard before yourself and your DC!!! He has conditioned you to do this and you must start working on 'unconditioning' yourself. It isn't easy, but it is doable!

Your DH will NOT have a 'housing need' if he leaves! He can move in with his mum. Having a 'housing need' is someone who has nowhere to go and no money to pay for housing. He has a place to go and he has a job.

The last conversation between me and my abusive ex

Him: I can’t believe you’re doing this to me
Me: you’ve done this to yourself

You need to believe this in your case, it didn’t have to be this way if only he hadn’t become such a nasty bastard. Your husband has done this to himself, behaviours have consequences and this is it.

I hate the term, 'broken home'.

But another is right. Better to be from one than in one.

he doesn’t deserve to have to move back with his DM and me to stay here, it would just add insult to injury and make contact even more unbareable, the kids would suffer more.

Well he wouldn't have to move in with his mum if he hadn't been such an abusive arsehole would he? This is all his doing. All his fault, not yours, however much he tries to twist everything round so it's all your fault.

It's not just you staying in the house, it's the kids too. Don't you think they deserve to stay there more than him? They haven't done anything wrong and they can't suffer any more than they are already. Having to see him some of the time has to be better than living with the bastard and permanently walking on eggshells.

As someone else said your home is already broken. Your children are already showing signs of damage from growing up in this toxic atmosphere. If you don't move them away from this abusive knob they will be permanently damaged and unable to form healthy relationships as adults.

You can do this OP. You have to. One step at a time, but you have to do it. Do it for your kids. They need you to be strong for them and to rescue them from this awful excuse for a father, so they can have something resembling a normal childhood. Living as they are at the moment sounds like hell on earth.

My thinking isn’t making much sense to me either, I’m so confused

OK - don’t THINK - just DO one thing - maybe make a phone call or gather your paperwork - have you someone in RL you can talk to.

No they have heard it all before too many times and won’t take me seriously. I don’t want to tell them until it’s all done or at least properly in motion.

My older DC have gone to their DF for the weekend now so I’m going to put some fresh sheets on DD1 bed and sleep there this weekend, get a bit of breathing space. This is the first time I have felt sad about it, I’m dreading all the emotions. He moved out of our previous house which was a rental a couple of years ago, I’m still kicking myself that I let him back in, now I have to go through all that stress, anger and sadness again, I promised myself I wouldn’t ever be here again

Be kinder to yourself OP.
You have done it once before. I won’t be as hard this time - but it needs to be final.

Get some sleep and rest up over the weekend.

Yes, please don't be so hard on yourself.

"You did then what you knew how to do. Now that you know better, you'll do better" (Maya Angelou)

You took him back because that was what you 'knew how to do'. Now you know better, you know he'll never change. And so this time you'll 'do better' and never take him back again.

We all make mistakes. We all repeat those mistakes. And we all eventually stop making those mistakes. We're all only human.

And don't be so sure your RL friends/family won't support you. I have and still am supporting a dearly loved BFF who is in an abusive relationship. Am I tired of telling her to leave? Sure. Am I tired of her not taking my advice? Sure. Does she realize I'm tired? Probably. But I will keep on keeping on with her because I know that the time will come when she will leave him and I want to be there for her when she does.

Thanks again for the reassurance. It was all ok last night, very quiet, I went out and met my friends from my old work for an hour at dinner time and when I came back DC were in bed. DS2 has sport this morning, last week I stood outside for 2 hours in the freezing cold watching him and DS1 play whilst DH waited in the car so I was hoping DH May take DS2 today as DS1 is with exDH, but I asked him about 30 mins before it was time to leave and he just said no, I replied oh I was hoping you might take him as I stood out in the cold last week but her just ignored me. So here I am again, freezing my toes off.

I suppose it’s all just cementing the fact that he is a selfish pig and will never change. I would have thought after being at work all week a dad would want to spend time with their son watching him do something he loves and is good at, he’s only 6 and has been playing since September, DH has watched him twice.

he is a selfish pig and will never change

Write this down on a 3x5 index card and tape it to your mirror. Because it's the truth and you'll need to remember it every day.

He’s just started an argument with me about money in front of DC. Basically we have always had separate finances, until we bought the house last year I have paid half of all bills and rent etc, all childcare and almost all shopping. Anyway to cut long story short, he now pays mortgage and I pay everything else. Which evens out about equal although he brings in more money than me. We have done full renovation on house, he took out big personal loan for this as he had the best interest rate offer, which he now pays. I had a credit card with a few thousand on built up over a couple of years just from not getting enough money each month as I was paying out more than DH and earning less, when I attempted to split in November I applied for a loan to pay off credit card and have some cash to rent somewhere and legal fees, since we sorted it out that loan was war marked to spend on trying to get the house as finished as possible, there was £3000 to spend on house but £1000 has been spent in last couple of weeks in materials. Anyway, I took DC out for bike ride, got home and DH was out, he came in and said he had no money left and asked me to transfer him some. I said ok but there is only about £1800 left, he laughed at me and said I have been going out spending it, I read from my bank statement all the things it has gone on and he accused me of starting an argument, he was raising his voice so I just stopped talking. He asked me if all I want to do is argue, DD2 put her hand over my mouth and said “you can’t talk now mummy” he kept saying “i’ll take that as a yes then” I said no, I don’t want to talk to you, he just kept saying all I want to do is argue. I asked him how much he needed and transferred him that, it wasn’t a large amount. He then started shouting again so I just ignored him.

Sorry needed to get it out, I’m hiding in the bathroom sending this

I absolutely hate him.

Too many things to add but he has been a complete asshole this afternoon. I have 2 more recordings of him shouting swearing and calling me names.

DS2 came over and said “stop it Daddy”

He has told me to fuck off, He has told me he will never leave the house

Can you and the dc get out and about tomorrow?
What are the options for sleeping arrangements - can the dc go in together or you share with them, when they're all back?

Don't give him money you are going to need - I'd rethink your spending on work on the house and put all that on hold unless it's something crucial to living there.

He sounds utterly fucking vile. Call his bluff if hes accusing you of arguing.. 'yeah whatever Daddys having a hissy fit.' Try switching off and point blank ignoring him. Id be tempted to say keep your fucking house Id rather sleep on the streets than spend another minute with you. He's ruining you and your children's life. Definitely don't sleep with him and keep your money. Think you're going to need it x

Well, good job recording!!! It may not be admissible in court, but it's something your solicitor and and DV resources you use can listen to!

Just deep breaths. Ignore him as best you can. Don't rise to his bait. No more discussions. You've said you want to split so no point in talking is there? He's a prick and he'll BE a prick during the divorce. This, too, is a 'truth universally acknowledged'.

Just stealthily make plans and take steps.

I'm such an idiot.

I hate arguing and can't stand living with an atmosphere. Whilst older DC were with their DF at the weekend it all got brushed under the carpet again. I cancelled my doctors appointment and we have just carried on as usual. I know you are all going to be exasperated with me, I get it, I feel ashamed.

I just can't bloody stick to it. I spoke to a support worker about it as DD1 was crying at school on monday about her time at DF's house, sh hates it there too. I need to leave for her. Support worker has offered a emotion and mutual respect based parenting course me and DH could go on together.
It's DD1 birthday soon and she wants lots of friends for a sleepover, I said I would ask DH, i picked my moment knowing he wouldn't be up for it. I asked him last night, he instantly changed his body language and was very defensive, he would not agree to her and her friends taking over the living room so we compromised on a few friends in her bedroom and my DM will have DD2 over night as DDs share a room. The whole conversation I was trying to manage his feelings and avoid an argument. I then remembered about the parenting course, I told him about it and was obviously really excited as I have been asking for an evening course we could attend together for ages. He got really pissed off and said he has no time for himself as it is, he can't believe I am telling him he's got to go to a parenting course now, he should be spending his spare time exercising. I said I think its our only hope, if we don't do something we will be divorced within a year, he just said I was n't listening to anything he said, and it got left there.

I don't know what is stopping me leaving apart from doubting myself that he is not actually that bad and fear of the unknown, fear of regrets, fear of a mental breakdown, fear of the shit storm that will follow if I do just leave, fear of upsetting DC 3&4, their behaviour escalating, being alone and coping with 4DC, DH having a stress free life back, being jealous. I can't do this.....

Stop giving him money. I’ve a bad feeling he’s trying to get your money off you, in order to keep you broke, so you can’t leave, while he squirrels away cash.