how can i get DH to treat DC and me with respect and love?

[frustratedwineaholic]

Hi, I am felling really stuck in my relationship. I want to end out marriage but I can't. He will not leave our house and I have been advised by a solicitor not to leave as then I will be unlikely to ever get back into our home or receive any equity from it. This is why I am asking for advice on how to change my husband. I know you can't really change people, they themselves have to want to change but I'm so desperate.

we have 4 dc, only the younger 2 are dh's. they are 12, 10, 6 and 4. DH is usually grumpy and always finds a way to suck the fun out of everything involving the dc. when we have a rare night off he is different, but mostly only if we are with friends. He hates being wrong and can never apologise. he tells the dc not to shout but then shouts at them, he never listens to them, just jumps to conclusions and unfairly punishes them by sending them to bed early, when when i attempt to calmly explain why they did whatever it was and he knows he has over reacted he will not back down, he just becomes angry and starts shouting at me. a few recent examples,
DS2 is like Jeckyl and Hyde, one minute he is the ost loving, cuddly little 6 yr old and he next he just seems to get this look in his eye and he is horrible, he spits, throws things, kicks and hits me and dc, tries to run away all because of the slightest thing like time to close he pet cage. This morning he got up early, he shares a room with DS1, DS1 is in the top bunk and DS2 the bottom, he took his pull up off (diagnosed over active bladder) and threw it at DS1 face then spat at him for no reason. I had an operation yesterday so still under affects of general anaesthetic and was call DS2 to stop, DS1 was shouting Mummy help, I got out of bed, held onto the wall for dizzyness and held DS2 hand puling him away, DH came out o the kitchen and sent both DS to time out, I got cross as DH is always picking on DS1 in my eyes and told him DS1 is not going to time out and DH shouted at me that he was shouting so people down the road could hear, I said he was calling for help as DS2 was throwing a wet nappy at him and spitting at him and DH starting shouting at me for having a go at him and threatened to go to work and leave me to it, it was 6am and DH was going to work late to enable him to do the school run following my operation. I just backed down as I know him well enough to know he would go off and leave me. I had aa major operation 2 years ago and couldn't walk easily or lift anything, he stormed off the following day after an argument and left me unable to eve have a cup of tea. Anyway, he as then in an awful mood, storming about, telling everyone off for the slightest thing, made my DD1 cry as he refused to get her a toilet roll from the cupboard as she should have go it herself before sitting down. in the middle of all this chaos DS2 is still being a total nightmare, he poured salt into the last of the milk so my DS1 lost his temper with DS2 and picked him up from the breakfast bar stool and roughly put him on the floor, DH went mad and DS1 bravely told him he has had enough of being blamed for everything, he said he wont be here later, DH told him he is going to bed early for his mouth.

I can't take anymore, I called a local counselling service to enquire about family counselling but I can't afford it.

Any advice gratefully received.

Another one spurring you on to leave.

Gather all your strength because it will be hard and he will make it harder.

Please protect your Dc and give them a real chance of a childhood.

See a solicitor. I was in a similar situation - less abusive - and I got exH out by threatening an order (I can't remember what it was called - similar to a non-mol I think) when I recorded him being abusive.

I got the whole house - no need to pay equity even to ex. I also had young children (youngest about 2 when he left). My life is a million times better now even though I'm doing all the childcare and have zero support from ex. He lied throughout the divorce - refused to file papers and delayed as much as he could. It's all about control. But I got through it and I'm free now. He hates me for taking the house - but it's the children's home and their safe place.

I agree, a different solicitor will give you different advice. I was advised I wouldn't have to do mediation with an abusive man - and I didn't! So remember to tell your solicitor he's abusive. It'll reduce the need to negotiate with him.

You have fast forwarded it now - it could be another month and another month before you took the inevitable action. But you have done it.

Be proud, brave and strong - you are moving forward taking positive steps in the right direction to give your children a restorative and peaceful home. This they need ASAP especially your oldest going into tricky teenage years. They need your undivided, love, attention, compassion, understanding and support to repair the damage.

Get the best expert advice and support from woman’s aid and a top lawyer experienced with abusive controlling men - they will know his every next step and will circumvent it.

Talk to people in RL - get friends and family inside - sunlight is the best disinfectant - he needs to know that everyone knows and is watching his behaviour.

Good luck to you - it will all be good in time. Take care of yourself.

He doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong. He thinks it’s all me, he works hard for his family and nobody appreciates it.

Why are you cluttering your head and giving HIM any of your finite emotional and physical energy trying to engage with him, trying to understand him, caring what he thinks? He is abusive and none of his behaviours or opinions will be a surprise. He will continue to be a c**t and probably more so now.

So please disengage - stop expecting rational responses / behaviours from this thug. You have wasted enough of your time and exposed your children to this for far too long....

Detach from him and face the needs of your children. Stop being preoccupied with him - it making you neglect the needs of your children

You've been conditioned by him to put him first, to believe his lies. It's a combination of his manipulation and your subconscious desire for self-preservation.

But now, you need to put on the coat of cold, hard logic. You need to take off the dark glasses he's had you wearing. You need to start by mentally (silently) questioning every single thing he says and everything he does. Every word, every gesture needs to make you think "Why is he really doing/saying that"?. And you need to do the same for yourself in response to him: "Why am I doing/saying that?". And then listen to your answers. You need to start 're-wiring' your brain to doubt, and questioning is the start of that process.

At this point, you've sent that message. My assumption is that he is going to refuse to leave, if I were him I would too. Not because it's right, but because he will believe that you don't really have the ability to leave and he knows that legally you can't make him leave. So now, you need to go 'stealth'. Every move you make now that you've come out in the open needs to be made in silence and secrecy. Answer no questions about your plans, answer no questions about their progress.

If it helps you to get away in peace, let him think you were blowing off steam and don't really want to split. You were just upset. Then plan as above, in secrecy and stealth.

Also, I hope you've spent part of today hiding (or at least copying) passports, vital records certificates, and bank info. And CHANGE ALL YOUR PASSWORDS AND PINS, especially if he has access to your financial information.

OH op he is so nasty, you are doing the right thing however hard.

Just delurking to check that you're ok OP. Has he come home from work yet? Please don't be worried about calling the police if he turns nasty after today's message .

He is quietly ignoring me LadyRoughDiamond.
Dc1&2 are with their DF tonight which is one of the reasons I sent the message today. Dc3&4 has swimming lessons this afternoon so we got home about 6, “d”h was just stood in kitchen on his phone. Said hello to dc but ignored me. I cooked dc dinner, he didn’t move out of the way of cupboards etc, I didn’t give him the satisfaction of asking him to. He has just been really calm and quiet, didn’t get involved when ds2 was misbehaving at dinner.

I am feeling proud of myself though as I didn’t make him and dinner!! Yey me!! Pathetic I know but I feel nervously in charge.

Thank you all for keeping me going with this, I really do want to end it once and for all, it’s jyst so bloody daunting. The house I viewed was great but someone else beat me to it.

DS1 bravely told him he has had enough of being blamed for everything.

I felt a pang reading that.

Your H is inflicting utter chaos and unhappiness on all your lives. You owe it to your DCs as well as yourself to stop all this by leaving him. He is awful.

Realistically how long do you think you can put up with him and your lifestyle anyway? What about the emotional health of your children? Yourself?

You need to get rid of your solicitor btw. You aren't being advised well.

Speak to Woman's Aid and Victim Support to talk through all your options clearly. See what you're entitled to. I suppose if you can't afford to pay the mortgage without him then you could come unstuck but really..is a house worth ruined lives?

He'll smash the house up, will he? I'd take pleasure in secretly recording someone like that. He's far too much to say and he will get his come-uppance when others start to hear how he disgracefully speaks to his family. He's a bully.

Stick your phone on record and put it nearby but out of sight

I can afford to pay the mortgage without him. He will not leave though, I know it without asking him.

My solicitor told me there is not enough equity in the house to rehouse me and dc, so any court would award me the house to stay in with the dc as we have the greatest housing need, however, if I leave and find rented accommodation then I have solved my own and dc housing need and will only be entitled to 50% if house, which he can make it impossible to sell whilst living here alone leaving me with nothing. She told me not to leave. I’m at the point where I would rather be broke than have my dc abdme miserable, I know he will never change.

How do you record someone? I have some histoootext messages

• historic

OP you may have a 'Voice Recorder' app, check your Home screen, or check under "Settings". If you don't have a this then you can easily download an recording app.

If you have a Samsung or I Phone you should definitely have a recorder already.

It's good you've kept the text messages.

It's only a house, however nice, however much like home

Better to look back and miss it than stay and ruin your future relationships with all your children.

How would you feel if you stayed with him and found yourself alone as none of your kids would visit?

I know you're making the right moves but I was you, many years ago, and I only managed to split because my ex made the first move. I was so powerless (I thought) that everything was still up to him

But once he'd gone, I've never felt so free. It was amazing! Anything is worth that freedom and security to be the parent your children deserve.

His calmness this morning is making me nervous and doubt myself. Although last night I went to bed before him and he did everything possible to wake me up when he came in, tutting, noisily taking his stuff off the bed, tossing and turning etc.

I have a job interview this morning, I’m physically shaking, need to find a way to concentrate on the interview and not my sham of a life. If I get the job I could really afford to move out and rent somewhere.

Wishing you good luck with the interview...before you go in, take a few minutes to close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and mentally leave all your worries outside...tell yourself ..l can do this..sounds a bit silly but it does really help !

Good luck with the job interview. You can do this

No bricks and mortar are worth living like this!
Do you have a family member who could come and stay with you whilst your solicitor advises you as to best way to remove him from the house?
Do what ever it takes to live your life and let your children be happy.

His calmness this morning is making me nervous and doubt myself.

He's trying to frighten you. He sounds like a fucking psycho. Please don't hesitate to call the police if you have to. He has already been physically violent to you and the children, and his threats to smash up the house are chilling. Look after yourself. You are very vulnerable now you have told him you want out - he will be able to sense that you are drawing strength from somewhere and he will want to crush you.

Good luck today OP.
Keep looking at houses to rent.
I agree that you'd be better off broke and away from him.
At some point you'll get the 50%.
Well done on not cooking him dinner.
Keep that up.
No washing or ironing either.
You are gaining strength so keep going and keep posting for support!

Hi OP,

I’ve only just seen your post. So sorry to hear you’re going through all this, especially as you’ve just had surgery and should be taking it easy.

Lots of helpful advice and I haven’t got anything useful to add, other than if you can’t find a sound recording app you could just make a little video with your camera app for the purpose of recording what he says.

Sending lots of love and strength your way. Keep posting, we are all here for you.

Thanks for all the wishes of luck, the interview went really well, won’t find out til end of next week though.

I keep re reading this thread trying to keep going, I’m so exhausted from years of living like this, I just want to talk to him about it, get him calm and kind for a few weeks again, I don’t feel like i have the strength to go through with it all now. I know I have to though.

He hasn’t been physically violent to the children Luglio, he hasn’t really do me either apart from throwing is weight around in bed and years ago he squeezed my hand with me keys inside trying to make me drop them so I couldn’t leave with dc. A few light barges but nothing significant.

I feel a bit like I’m waiting for it’s all to just happen in its own time, like waiting for fate, I couldn’t have the house yesterday, there is nothing else really suitable at the moment apart from one I viewed at the end of November when I was trying to leave him but chickened out after hearing him out. It’s not perfect but it would be ok. I just don’t want to go and sign up for it as I know he will say he can’t afford mortgage and bills on his own. At the moment he pays mortgage and I pay all bills, food, childcare etc.

Sorry I’m rambling, just getting me thoughts out. I called women’s aid at the end of November, they are great but I’m not really sure what I achieved from the call. Rights of women help line is only open when I can’t call it.
I can’t afford £220 per hour for a solicitor, I won’t get legal aid as no police involved or non molestation orders etc. I can’t get a free half hour for ages either. I just need some solid advice.

Well done on the interview - you really have some strength putting in a performance just after surgery and with that fucker destroying you in the back ground.

You can’t afford NOT to pay £220 - many won’t want fees upfront - they can collect once settlement is agreed. It’s about return on investment - the advice you pay for in hundreds could save you tens of thousands. He will be getting a lawyer tooled up (with you joint family money) - so you need to do the same for your children.

thanks another20, the surgery was only something minor this time, i'm feeling better now, just tired but that could be due to all he other stuff going on.

I didn't realise I wouldn't have to pay upfront, what if I am awarded to stay in the house and him leave? I have dome some research and found a solicitor specialising in domestic abuse locally, I have just emailed her asking for a free initial consultation.

If that’s the outcome you want - then invest in the experts and make that happen for your children. You could maybe re-mortgage at the end or get an interest free credit card which you pay off in time. There is no way that a court would award the house to him and put a mother and 4 children out on the streets. So this is an outcome. Advice further up the thread spoke about an order (non mol?) if you can prove he is being abusive, of getting him out of the house immediately - so get some professional expert advice as to what you need to have recorded etc to achieve this.

Stop looking to chat with him - you will not get the outcome you are hoping for - is him understanding / promising to change etc. You need to play your cards very close to your chest here.