how can i get DH to treat DC and me with respect and love?

[frustratedwineaholic]

Hi, I am felling really stuck in my relationship. I want to end out marriage but I can't. He will not leave our house and I have been advised by a solicitor not to leave as then I will be unlikely to ever get back into our home or receive any equity from it. This is why I am asking for advice on how to change my husband. I know you can't really change people, they themselves have to want to change but I'm so desperate.

we have 4 dc, only the younger 2 are dh's. they are 12, 10, 6 and 4. DH is usually grumpy and always finds a way to suck the fun out of everything involving the dc. when we have a rare night off he is different, but mostly only if we are with friends. He hates being wrong and can never apologise. he tells the dc not to shout but then shouts at them, he never listens to them, just jumps to conclusions and unfairly punishes them by sending them to bed early, when when i attempt to calmly explain why they did whatever it was and he knows he has over reacted he will not back down, he just becomes angry and starts shouting at me. a few recent examples,
DS2 is like Jeckyl and Hyde, one minute he is the ost loving, cuddly little 6 yr old and he next he just seems to get this look in his eye and he is horrible, he spits, throws things, kicks and hits me and dc, tries to run away all because of the slightest thing like time to close he pet cage. This morning he got up early, he shares a room with DS1, DS1 is in the top bunk and DS2 the bottom, he took his pull up off (diagnosed over active bladder) and threw it at DS1 face then spat at him for no reason. I had an operation yesterday so still under affects of general anaesthetic and was call DS2 to stop, DS1 was shouting Mummy help, I got out of bed, held onto the wall for dizzyness and held DS2 hand puling him away, DH came out o the kitchen and sent both DS to time out, I got cross as DH is always picking on DS1 in my eyes and told him DS1 is not going to time out and DH shouted at me that he was shouting so people down the road could hear, I said he was calling for help as DS2 was throwing a wet nappy at him and spitting at him and DH starting shouting at me for having a go at him and threatened to go to work and leave me to it, it was 6am and DH was going to work late to enable him to do the school run following my operation. I just backed down as I know him well enough to know he would go off and leave me. I had aa major operation 2 years ago and couldn't walk easily or lift anything, he stormed off the following day after an argument and left me unable to eve have a cup of tea. Anyway, he as then in an awful mood, storming about, telling everyone off for the slightest thing, made my DD1 cry as he refused to get her a toilet roll from the cupboard as she should have go it herself before sitting down. in the middle of all this chaos DS2 is still being a total nightmare, he poured salt into the last of the milk so my DS1 lost his temper with DS2 and picked him up from the breakfast bar stool and roughly put him on the floor, DH went mad and DS1 bravely told him he has had enough of being blamed for everything, he said he wont be here later, DH told him he is going to bed early for his mouth.

I can't take anymore, I called a local counselling service to enquire about family counselling but I can't afford it.

Any advice gratefully received.

Just look where you are OP and ask what is going to change for you - life sounds pretty shitty for you AND the DCs at the moment.
Are you really happy for things to go on like this?
How can you gather the strength to face it head-on?

Try reading your own posts and imagine if it was your best friend, your sister telling you what was happening to her. If you're routinely wary or scared of someone you live with, it is that bad. You need an escape plan.

I don't know what is stopping me leaving apart from doubting myself that he is not actually that bad and fear of the unknown, fear of regrets, fear of a mental breakdown, fear of the shit storm that will follow if I do just leave, fear of upsetting DC 3&4, their behaviour escalating, being alone and coping with 4DC, DH having a stress free life back, being jealous. I can't do this.....

Yes he is that bad.
Be fearful of “the known” - what you have now but worse to come at home.
Be fearful of the regrets of not leaving sooner - can you took back to a time where you wanted to leave and imagine how your DCs would be by now?
Be fearful of a mental breakdown if you stay as this is more likely.
Any shit storm if you leave will be transient - the shit storm is you stay is permanent and escalating for your DCs - leaving them with emotional damage that they will carry through adulthood limiting their relationships, careers, life choices.
Your DCs are already upset daily by this hostile environment and yes by staying in it their behaviour will deteriorate.
You will cope brilliantly - as it will be EASIER in a calm and peaceful home. Your children will behave better and you will have more clarity and confidence not being emotionally battered by your thug of a DH.
He will be jealous of you - your life will be less stressed and you can focus on loving and nurturing your DCs which will be v rewarding for you. Your oldest is 12 they are in their 2nd dysfunctional family - their childhood is nearly over - you have a short window to take them out of toxicity and turn their emotional life around before they are deep in their teens.

Yes you can do this. One step breath and one small step at a time. Keep focused.

one deep breath and one small step at a time

Remake that appointment with your go then see a solicitor.Only when you've had a good talk with one can you know how to go about it all.
If you file for divorce on grounds if unreasonable behaviour ,including the emotional abuse then you shouldn't need to go to mediation.
But see your go first.
This is the hardest bit just taking that first step to a better life.

I agree with a PP, he is putting money away and getting you in debt. Can you find his bank details?

Rome wasn't built in a day. And statistics show that an abused woman usually takes 7 attempts before she leaves the relationship for good.

Fear of the 'unknown' is a powerful motivator to stay put. Better the devil you know and all that. But you have to look past the fear to what lies beyond. And for you and your DC that's a life lived in peace. And even if your 'future life' isn't all lollipops and roses, it will be a damn sight better than the hell you live in now. It will be a life that YOU control, one in which you can choose your own solutions to any problems that may arise. That is known as FREEDOM.

Stop trying to get 'help' for him. Focus on getting help for yourself! Help from a DV counselor, a solicitor, and family and friends.

The first consultation with a solicitor is usually free so it is worth having several to find someone who really 'gets it' and who is also empathetic. Preferably with knowledge and understanding of narcissistic and other personality disordered behaviour and also coercive relationships.

I think I had around 5 in the end - either face to face or by phone. Their advice was really helpful and each one had a slightly different approach/take on the situation which is also helpful as you can draw up the 'bigger picture'. One gave me an hour and a half of her time and I could tell was quite shocked by what she was hearing. She was amazing but I didn't use her as I was worried about costs and also antagonizing ex as her approach was quite traditional. Probably a mistake as I ended up using a collaborative approach and of course ex ran rings around the process playing every trick in the book and not even attempting to be collaborative.

Although it's really difficult, try not to get drawn into emotional arguments. Adopt 'grey rock' technique and just be boring and monotone. He wants to get a reaction out of you as it's a form of control and power.

Try to get as strong a support system around you as you can. In extremis it is worth remembering that his behaviour is coercive and controlling and that is actually against the law now.

Stop giving him money. I’ve a bad feeling he’s trying to get your money off you, in order to keep you broke, so you can’t leave, while he squirrels away cash.

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This. Ex did that for about 8 years before we finally divorced.

OP, it's really hard to break the status quo and you kind of latch on to any indication that it might be bearable to stay.

But there's more to life than just hanging on through misery, and I'm sorry, but I truly believe the home environment your dc currently have is damaging them. Your dh isn't remotely interested in improving things, he just wants you to STFU.

Re-read your OP, he makes life harder, he makes raising kids harder, he makes everyone miserable. Please remake your appointment and set wheels in motion.

Thank you all so much for not judging me, I was really worried about my pitiful update and thought you would all wipe the floor with me.

another20, “Be fearful of the regrets of not leaving sooner - can you took back to a time where you wanted to leave and imagine how your DCs would be by now?” I think that exact thing and then kick myself that I’m still so pathetic that I can’t do it and I don’t really know what’s stopping me.

Accrossthepond I so want to be free.

Butterballs yes I would love to see his account but all finances except mortgage are separate

Category12 yes he does make life soooo much harder.

He is acting all normal tonight, I need to find some energy then go away with dc for a week or so to escape the initial shit storm and get him to take me seriously.

I am thinking about leaving the house and worrying about it later, if I keep thinking I will stay and keep the house I will have waivered again by the time we get to court

When it comes down to it, the house isn't really important. If it's the best or only way you can see to leave the relationship, then the heck with it.

And down the line if he's awkward and smashes it up to try to prevent it being sold, when who'll be the one sitting in it like a dick - him. If that's the "victory" he wants, then fuck it, really. I know it's easy for me to say from the outside, but being out from under him seems worth it. You could provide a much calmer, happier home for your dc anywhere else.

And you can be free! But getting free means letting go. It may mean letting go of the house. Not walking away and relinquishing it, but in selling it or having him buy you out. As my friend said when she told me she was going to leave her house "It's only bricks and sticks. My DC and my happiness is what matters. And we can be just as happy in a 2 bed flat as we can in a mansion. I know for sure we'll be happier in a 2 bed flat than we are in this house!!!".

Of course, he's being Mr Nicey-nice! He's not stupid. In fact, men like that are very cunning. They can practically sense when you start to wake up and they go very quiet and nice to keep you in those chains! He'll keep up the pose as long as he can, but eventually he'll revert to type. Just use this peaceful period to keep getting your ducks in a row.

Solicitor. Solicitor. Solicitor!!! And CALL YOUR FAMILY. CALL A FRIEND. Part of why you haven't is because it will make it 'too real'. But that's a good thing!

If you don't change, nothing will. Can you imagine still being in this situation in 10 years?

Look at what it's doing to your kids' behaviour. It's only going to get worse.

Can you imagine still being in this situation in 10 years?

Now, imagine the opposite. See yourself & DC in a home without him, really visualize it! Build that house in your mind, picture the walls, the furniture just as you like it! It can be where you are now, a mansion or a bedsit, but imagine it. Now, take an imaginary walk through it. See it with nothing of him in it. Not his clothes, not his shoes, not even his toothbrush. Nothing of him because he is not allowed inside. Now, imagine yourself sitting on the sofa that you have chosen, relaxing back into the cushions, and turning on the telly to what you want to watch. Imagine the DC playing quietly nearby or sitting with you. There will be no criticism, no complaining, no 'walking on pins and needles' because he is not there. You have shut and locked the door, he is on the outside, and you do not have to let him in.

Visualization is a strong tool and can give enormous motivation. Try it.

DH has just kicked off massively in front of DC. I told him i am seeking a divorce. He has stormed out, DS2 refused to go with him to his club and told him he wants mummy to take him, DS then called DH “you little twat” I know it’s really awful of me but I couldn’t stop laughing inside, obviously told DS not to say rude things but it was such a shock!

It seems DS is seeing through him now

You need to get out, op. If I was your neighbour I would be calling Social Services to report concerns about your children. They don't have a safe home life.

I’m going to get an emergency gp appointment in the morning. I’m viewing a house at lunch time, I just need them to accept 1200 per month instead of 1300 per month!
I’m doing this!!

Good for you!!!

It's not easy to get someone to lower rent. Could you offer to pay a lower rent for 6 months 'up front' then the rent goes up? It would give you 6 months to try and budget for that extra £100/month. I know it might mean digging into savings or even borrowing, but it might be worth it in the long run if it gets you OUT of there.

It's not uncommon where I am to have a 'yard man' mow the lawns on a rental. If that's something where you are, you could offer to do the yard in exchange for the rent reduction.

I can't waiver this time. I old DH i will leave and sort out the finances later, he told me he will burn the place down, I said then he will end up in prison and never se his DC, he just shrugged his shoulders.

I know I have no choice now. DC were all really upset. He started trying to involve them in an argument he was basically having with himself as I was not responding to him. DS1 (10yo) came to see if I was ok as he could hear DH shouting at me, DH said to him Mummy was shouting first, I was just maintaining eye contact with DS saying its ok "Fred" jut go back into the living room, I will be there in a moment, DS said to DH mummy wasn't shouting at you, all I can hear is you shouting. At that point i took DS back to living rom and tried to reassure him that he doesn't need to protect me. I went back into bedroom and looked DH in the eye and told him I want a divorce. He then said go for it, which is when i said i will leave and he said he will burn the place down, he told me to go and see my solicitor tomorrow. he then followed me into the kitchen and said "so you are going to do that tomorrow then" DS asked what is he talking about, I said don't worry about it, DH said tell him the truth, I said do not involve the DC, DH said I was the one that involved them, he asked me again if i was going to to do that thing in the morning (meaning see a solicitor) I repeated I'm not talking infront of DC, he just kept on and on saying its a yes or no answer. I just ignored him.

Later i spoke to DD1, she was crying and saying she hates it here and wants to kill herself, I am trying to reassure her that it will all be ok but she doesn't believe me because I have made him leave before then taken him back. I need to show her i mean it. She first said she doesn't wan to leave our home, we have all been through so much to get a home of our own, but she then said she just wants to get away from DH so she will move with me. I said I couldn't promise what will happen but that I do promise I will sort it all out.

DS1 keeps asking me what's happening, I just tld him I will tell him as soon as i know myself.

DS2 came back with DH as he picked him up from club, he was angry but I managed to get him to bed after a while as DH just went straight into the bedroom t watch tv, drink beer and eat the leftover dinner i cooked

DD2 cried herself to sleep, she was cuddled up to me, initially she kept telling me to go away but I just hugged her and read her some stories, she was so upset but at 4 yo she is too young to really understand.

I still can't believe DS2 called DH a little twat! I know it's wrong but he is pretty much on the money

Point of no return. If you back down now he will know he can abuse you with impunity.

You move quietly now. Stealth. You don't have to answer any questions.

I would call the police and see if there's some way you can report his threat to burn the house down. I know he won't but it may be helpful in future to have it recorded with the police.

And do see a solicitor. Quietly.

Solicitor.
Possession order.

You know the police will remove him if you phone and say he’s threatened to burn the place down and you are in fear for your dc’s lives.

The damage being done to your dc is immense. Please don’t keep brushing this under the carpet.

Can I ask why you cancelled the 1st gp appointment?

You are doing it. You've set change in motion. You're future will be different and better. You are showing your DC that adults take action. You are strong deep inside - be compassionate to yourself, treat yourself as you would a closed loved friend who was going through what you're going through. Hug yourself. Tell yourself how well you're doing and how you will always be there for you. Be proud of the immensely hard thing you are doing. You are going to be free and happy.

I don't have much advice expect please carry on what you have started and do this. You can do it. You and the children will be so much happier.