how can i get DH to treat DC and me with respect and love?

[frustratedwineaholic]

Hi, I am felling really stuck in my relationship. I want to end out marriage but I can't. He will not leave our house and I have been advised by a solicitor not to leave as then I will be unlikely to ever get back into our home or receive any equity from it. This is why I am asking for advice on how to change my husband. I know you can't really change people, they themselves have to want to change but I'm so desperate.

we have 4 dc, only the younger 2 are dh's. they are 12, 10, 6 and 4. DH is usually grumpy and always finds a way to suck the fun out of everything involving the dc. when we have a rare night off he is different, but mostly only if we are with friends. He hates being wrong and can never apologise. he tells the dc not to shout but then shouts at them, he never listens to them, just jumps to conclusions and unfairly punishes them by sending them to bed early, when when i attempt to calmly explain why they did whatever it was and he knows he has over reacted he will not back down, he just becomes angry and starts shouting at me. a few recent examples,
DS2 is like Jeckyl and Hyde, one minute he is the ost loving, cuddly little 6 yr old and he next he just seems to get this look in his eye and he is horrible, he spits, throws things, kicks and hits me and dc, tries to run away all because of the slightest thing like time to close he pet cage. This morning he got up early, he shares a room with DS1, DS1 is in the top bunk and DS2 the bottom, he took his pull up off (diagnosed over active bladder) and threw it at DS1 face then spat at him for no reason. I had an operation yesterday so still under affects of general anaesthetic and was call DS2 to stop, DS1 was shouting Mummy help, I got out of bed, held onto the wall for dizzyness and held DS2 hand puling him away, DH came out o the kitchen and sent both DS to time out, I got cross as DH is always picking on DS1 in my eyes and told him DS1 is not going to time out and DH shouted at me that he was shouting so people down the road could hear, I said he was calling for help as DS2 was throwing a wet nappy at him and spitting at him and DH starting shouting at me for having a go at him and threatened to go to work and leave me to it, it was 6am and DH was going to work late to enable him to do the school run following my operation. I just backed down as I know him well enough to know he would go off and leave me. I had aa major operation 2 years ago and couldn't walk easily or lift anything, he stormed off the following day after an argument and left me unable to eve have a cup of tea. Anyway, he as then in an awful mood, storming about, telling everyone off for the slightest thing, made my DD1 cry as he refused to get her a toilet roll from the cupboard as she should have go it herself before sitting down. in the middle of all this chaos DS2 is still being a total nightmare, he poured salt into the last of the milk so my DS1 lost his temper with DS2 and picked him up from the breakfast bar stool and roughly put him on the floor, DH went mad and DS1 bravely told him he has had enough of being blamed for everything, he said he wont be here later, DH told him he is going to bed early for his mouth.

I can't take anymore, I called a local counselling service to enquire about family counselling but I can't afford it.

Any advice gratefully received.

Hi.
Sorry I didn’t see these posts. My “I’m on” thing says I’m not on any posts

I’m ok, thank you for asking.

I still feel sad sometimes but started counselling this week so hoping that will help.

Exdh keeps swinging between normal human (which is nice for him) and nasty. I’m just trying to hold it all together for DC. I have maxed out my credit card and student overdraft. Started my new job which I love!
Waiting for universal credit, student finance and payday which is a month in hand!

ExDH has rented out a room in our house to his best mate. Apparently he could t afford the mortgage and bills alone. He has finally realise how much the bills are. Of course he still can’t afford to pay me child maintenance though
He thinks I should be paying half the mortgage still??

How are your children doing - especially your oldest DD?

Frustrated im really pleased that you've managed to stay steadfast- you're children will definitely thank you ! And glad you're enjoying the new job. Did you get legal advice about the house etc? Take a breather but then I'd start exploring what you and dc are entitled to
Keep going you are doing great x

Well done OP, he really is showing his true colours now.

Get onto CMS and start claiming maintenance, he doesn’t get to dictate that he doesn’t need to pay you anything.

Well done you x

Good news- keep strong

Hi everyone, I just wanted to restart my thread as i'm anticipating things turning a bit spiteful with DH.

Until now I have been keeping things amicable, DH has been visiting the children at his leisure and acting like we are working things out. He asked me to go to marriage counselling with him, now i know it is not recommended if there has been abusive in the relationship but i spoke to the counsellor and she said it is ok. we have been for one session together and one each individually. I was very honest with the counsellor about DH behaviour. Anyway, I am aware that for counselling to work both parties have to be prepared to consider eachothers points of view and make changes, I still don't think DH realises the damage he has done. I know you will all say i told you so but I felt like I had to at least try it for my own peace of mind. The deal I made with DH was I would go if he organised and paid for it. Anyway, I have been struggling financially since moving out, I made a claim for benefits but because I have to work a month in habd with my new job and haven't been able to work enough hours yet until finished the induction stuff universal credit have applied the benefit cap to me, meaning I am getting £500 per month less than i thought. On top of this DH hasn't paid any maintenance. His reasoning behind this is that he is paying the mortgage and the personal loan for home improvements and he won't have any money left. He has rented out a room to his best mate, telling me he is only charging him £350 per month but a mutual friend has told me that is not true and it is more like £450 per month, this friend (who was originally DH friend) has told me to watch my back. DH total income including the rent from friend is £2250 per month after tax. his outgoings including mortgage, loan, bills is about £1350, surely this means he can afford to pay maintenance? I asked him again on monday, he asked how much i want, now the CMO calculator suggests about £350 per month, i asked for £200 per month. He got all agitated and said if he has to pay me that then I will have to start paying for half of the counselling! My tenancy is up in August, I have mentioned to DH that I need to move back to our house, I have offered to ay mortgage and loan and all bills and he could rent somewhere else. He has refused. I even said I can finish the work that needs doing (flooring and 1 room to refurb), he keeps getting agitated so I stop talking about it and then it gets forgotten about.

So, I have made the decision to stop messing about and hoping for a miracle. I have an appointment tomorrow for mediation. I haven't told DH yet. He is working abroad until Friday so will tell him then. Me and the kids need our house back, the mortgage is £600 per month less than my rent!

I need to go almost no contact with him.

Mediation sounds much more sensible than counselling. But you will have to be strong and ask for what you're entitled to. The website says £350 per month for child maintenance - then tell him exactly that: "the website says..." Don't make up a smaller amount you think he is more likely to accept. Of course, at the moment, the finances are quite complicated, so I understand it's not that simple, but just try to focus on what your children and you need, thinking about his needs last of all, if at all.

As close to no contact as possible is a great idea.

Stay strong: it's a difficult time, but the future is brighter.

Have you seen a solicitor?

yes i have seen a solicitor but we need to do mediation first before we can go to court. I know we won't agree anything at mediation as he is unreasonable. What kind of man stays in the family home renting a room out to his best mate whilst his wife and kids have to struggle to rent somewhere? I have had to get students in and move dc1&2 into sharing a room to pay the rent!

You don't have to go to mediation. Sorry I can't read the whole thread atm. I'll try and catch up with it later. I completed a Women's Aid and police assessment. With that I was able to refuse further mediation. I won't attempt mediation again. It was awful.

Contacting WA is a good plan. As is no contact at all.

I agree better to avoid mediation, you are exempt if there has been emotional abuse.
Do you have a really canny friend who you can talk to about things?

I have just read the whole thread. Marriage counseling isn’t the me doc the world. You can do it with the intent of being better co-parents. He’s probably doing it with the intent of manipulation, getting you back into the relationship. Don’t buy into it. He won’t truly change. Until then, take advantage of the fact he is paying for it and the individual spots.

Can you get your children counselling, especially your oldest. It will help her deal with her emotionally with both households. Family counselling in the end with maybe all kids will help as well.

A set parenting schedule will be a hood idea for the children as they like routine and knowing what is coming up. A calendar they an see the dates on when they are with you and hand they are with dad. In the early days this can help make them feel secure, safe and loved.

Re your feelings for asshat. You have gone through a lot with him including two kids. 9 years is a long time so it’s normal to still be attached. He is a known entity and it’s easy. It’s easy to stay with someone you know even with all the bad as you know how to deal with it. The cycle of abuse with a known entity is less scary then the unknown. It’s why so many woman who have been groomed by an abuser, either emotional or physical stay there.

You deserve better, you can get a better man, he is already showing you worse ie no child maintenance because he is paying the mortgage🙄. Lying about how much money he is getting from his house share mate. He is still manipulating the story to his needs.

He won’t stop. He probably doesn’t want to and wouldn’t know how to even if he tried.

Talk to woman’s aid, talk to the police and get onto your solicitor on how to best deal with the situation. Apply to CMS now, today. He needs to support his children. He may even owe you spousal support. I don’t know how spousal support works there but since he has the house and you don’t, worry a try!

Thank you for reading the whole thing CanuckBC and thank you for the perspective.
I’m so fed up with going round in circles and keep getting really annoyed with myself for waivering and trying to find a plausible excuse to go back!
I went to mediation today, it was awful. The mediator told me if I go to court DH May get kids as he has the house!!
Took DD1 to her first counselling session today. I think she found it ok.

I have massively ballsed up. I know mumsnet is nicknamed the vipers nest so I’m expecting to to hung out to dry but if anyone has some useful advice I would be most grateful. ....
So, to cut a long story very short,he has reverted back to type.
I know I’m stupid but I went back. He seemed to get it. He was really trying, he left DC1&2 to me to discipline etc. He was having more fun with them which is what I wanted. It’s only been 3 months and I know it was a mistake. I am kicking myself for believing he wanted to change and going back.
He explains it all and I can see it’s me in the wrong. The dc don’t listen to him, his requests are reasonable. I don’t see his point of view. ... even. So I’m doubting myself. The thing is, I’m scared to discuss it with him, there is never a good time, he will raise his voice and the dc will hear. I’m so angry with myself. It’s all my fault

Just realised, it’s still me, the OP, I name changed a while ago, sorry

OP, I've read your thread from start to end and it is abuse. No question at all. You can't change him, it's not your fault, but you need to leave and keep your children safe. Call in your professional contacts and get any help you can. Stop using your remarkable strength to endure this and get back to using it to make your life and your kids lifes better.

He has massively screwed your mind over!!!

Yes get professionals involved

Just rtft too. You're not in the wrong, his behaviour is not your fault. He is abusing you. Focus on you and your DC and start taking steps to escape him. You need to keep your DC safe from him.

Contact Womans Aid, tell people in RL, he is an abuser .

You have to put aside your feelings for DH and think of your children. This back and forth will be massively affecting them. There seems to be no stability in their lives.
I think you left just to shock your DH. Try to show him what he would be missing? Hoping he would change?
Stop putting your wants before the childrens needs. You will be paying dearly if you do not.
Not trying to be harsh OP but a dose of tough love never hurt anyone.
You have shown you can do this. You did it once before. You can do it again. Stick with it. Dont do it just for the kids. You have to do this for you as well.
You all deserve better OP. Trust there is so much better to be had if you allow yourself.

You have to put aside your feelings for DH and think of your children. This back and forth will be massively affecting them. There seems to be no stability in their lives.
...
Stop putting your wants before the childrens needs. You will be paying dearly if you do not.

This.

He will not change. Accept it. Move on. It’s hard. But staying is massively more destructive. Your children will not thank you. As a poster said on another thread: it’s like running through flames to leave a burning building. You need to do it to get to safety.

Ideally, he should be the one to go. Talk to the National Centre for Domestic Violence. They may be able to advise whether they think the threshold may be met for a non-molestation order and an occupation order. If so, they should be able to refer you to a law firm who will assist with preparing the papers. Of course, it will be up to the court whether to grant one but it will have an immediate effect if you can get one.

Otherwise you may need to negotiate his departure which may not be possible. Yes, he has put a lot into the house but he is the one making it miserable to live there.

Alternatively you leave with the children.

But please, do it for your children, if not for you. Your duties as a parent trump everything else.

Please think about what your children have been through already, and what this is doing to their mental health. How is your DD1?

You need to get out. You’ve proven you can leave so do it again and this time please stay gone.

I know you say you love him but ask yourself if he loves you? How can he if he treats you and your children is such a nasty way.

I wish you luck and strength.

It’s like running through flames to leave w burning building....

Absolutely, this is why I’m so annoyed with myself for going back. We were free, I had done the hard bit, now I’m back to square one.

I don’t feel like I love him anymore. I’m more worried about the life I can offer DC with DH compared to on my own. I know I’m thinking financially and emotionally is way more important but he is nice more than horrible now. He does loads around the house, cooking dinner etc, he is just very black and white. He asks dc to do something and he expects it to be done straight away. If they don’t he questions them over and over again until they say what he wants to hear, or, he sends them to bed early or takes their phone away. It’s the way he is with DS2 that worries me the most now, that’s his biological son. He is very physical with him. dS2 is hard work, he is 6 and plays up massively, throwing stuff, hurting DD2, shouting etc, DH picks him up roughly and puts him in his room. DH lacks patience still, (I say still like he should have changed!) we did 5 months of marriage counselling, I thought it had worked, DH was making a massive effort.

I dint want to loose everything and move into rented. I want to keep the children in their stable home.