I asked for the truth I got it ...

[blackandyellowbee]

Been having some intimacy issues with DH for a while. He just isn't interested.

We have 2 DC 5 and 2. I will admit by my own admission that after I had my youngest I let myself go. I stop taking care of myself. I didn't lose the weight, I gained it. I stopped doing my hair and makeup. I was unhappy I'd put weight on so I didn't feel there was any point. Stopped wearing nice clothes etc.
It just kind of spiralled.

Today I confront DH about his lack of interest in sex, we've spoke about it a few times but brushed over the topic and nothing got sorted. So this morning I text him and told him I wanted the truth. This is the reply I got...

You want me to be honest? Fine then I will. As I don’t feel remotely attractive myself because of my weight it’s come to the point where at the moment I don’t find you sexually attractive because of the weight you have put on. I was first attracted to you because you were thin. If you were the size that you are now I wouldn’t of looked twice at you. Sorry but that’s how it is. I do love you but just not sexually attracted to you because of your weight. Call me shallow and evil or what you like but at least I’m being honest. Like I said call me what you want but I’ve told you the truth which you wanted. I’m sorry.

I mean, I'm heartbroken. I know I asked for the truth and I have put on weight from a tiny size 6/8 to a 14/16. We are due to get married this year. Other than this our relationship is so good. I don't really know what I'm asking to be honest. I just need to offload as I have no one else to talk too.

@Adora10 and most of the 5'6 women I know are a size 8. I don't get what you're shocked at?

Never said a size 16 wasn't overweight, I said it was an average in the UK!

Why are you all banging on about her being overweight, that we already know!

A size 14-16 is not obese.

Lists: I am afraid I do find it surprising that a weight of 5 foot 6 can be a size 6; not saying you are under weight.

Everyone saying how he "just snapped" - yeah maybe if he'd come out and said it during an argument I could think it was a case of foot in mouth syndrome. Not in a text message. A text can be edited multiple times until you think you've got the tone right - he either couldn't be arsed to be considerate in his phrasing and give it a quick re-read before sending OR he doesn't mind that the overarching message is "I was first attracted to you because you were thin. If you were the size that you are now I wouldn’t of looked twice at you"

TatianaLarina

I agree. This is more about him than her, but everyone's ignoring that.

YetAnotherSpartacus
It takes little time to put a tinted moisturiser on, a bit of mascara and lip gloss

Oh yes. Maybe the DP should do this too! if he wants but he hasn't said anything about feeling like he had let himself go , only that he put on weight.

The Op said she she had stopped doing her hair and make up and in her words feels she has let herself go from how she wad befire.
It was a suggestion as I said, into doing small steps to going back to a time when she felt good about herself physically.
To emotionally feel better is between her and DP. Both things can be tackled.

Maybe all of the above does not involve putting on war paint to please the DP. I mean why should it? The same is not expected of men!

I have read the whole thread and I'm a bit ...

Part of me is yes attraction is important in a relationship but things happen it's called life not everyone bounces back from pregnancy I didn't and I'm not going to beat myself up for it!
Great if your are the same size as pre-pregnancy, I'm not about to take away from the work you do to maintain your bodies, but I'm not the same size and may never return, I'm a work in progress.
That does not mean you should not take care of yourself in other ways, but I completely understand that it's hard to be motivated and come to terms with your situation.
It's not easy with 2 little ones under 5 I literally spent at least a year in a dodgy grey dressing gown with mad hair, stressed out and my DH said to me years later he was a bit worried, but he loved me so he was just there for me and I eventually got dressed .

If you as a woman/man are unhappy with your weight/looks then you should do something about it if you can, but to say to someone you love that you wouldn't look twice at them?? that your whole sexual attraction to them is based solely on their weight? ... and you are unhappy with your own weight so you just lash out at a person you know is vulnerable and already unhappy... you know what...you can be respectful, kind and honest it's not hard.

I really hate this idea that your can just blurt out what you want and hurt others in the name of honesty and truth, no you are just an ARSE this was a text not a conversation, he probably re-wrote it a couple of times...horrible imo

I wouldn't want to work-out with you at all right now or even be married to you if I'm honest...>>>my initial response after a and stew maybe different...

So I think you guys should have a good talk and you need to be honest with him too especially about how he has made you feel today, he cannot absolve himself by saying you might call him shallow etc (he is btw) and that's just how he feels...You both need to discuss things and hopefully move forward if you want to..

All the best OP

Sorry about the longness but I'm annoyed on your behalf!!

You can absolutely fit into an M&S size 16 in the UK and have an obese BMI of 30 consisting entirely of fat.

YetAnotherSpartacus

Maybe all of the above does not involve putting on war paint to please the DP. I mean why should it? The same is not expected of men
I wasn't advocating that she pleased her DP by doing that.

I was ( for the third time now) suggesting things that she used to and liked but has stopped doing.
At no point did I suggest she did it for a man.

Clearly you dont like my suggestions but its not aimed at you. The Op can take it or leave it.

Clearly you dont like my suggestions but its not aimed at you. The Op can take it or leave it

I suggest she leaves it and does what pleases her :)

I haven't disappeared, I didn't think I would have so many responses. It's a bit overwhelming.

I'm at work on a night tonight so I will read through all the messages. Thank you for all that have taken time out to reply, it's really appreciated.

It's really hit me hard but it's obviously been an issue that's been brewing a long time for him.

I do hate the way I look right now. I am overweight for me. I have always been very small. And it is my fault, I am over weight because I eat too much. We are only in our early 30s

Typical male gaze shite.

What always amazes me is these men would be affronted if some twat said this stuff to their daughters or sisters. Or mothers.

Its the lack of humanity rather than not being allowed to find 'thin people' attractive.

Yes they were excellent cakes (and pizzas and sweets) yetanotherspartacus thank you

Yes having babies does give you a belly, I, and many of my friends have a pouch that only the gym and regular exercise would shift that was caused directly by pregnancies.

Having the body shape with a belly doesn't equal fat or over weight. You ca be slim or a healthy weight and still have a belly.

The ops husband appears to want to lose weight himself. Not sure why people are saying he is planning on staying the same.

So, we went through a period of DH being uninterested in sex. It coincided with my having really got out of shape. I also pressed him on the topic and was fully prepared for him to tell me it was my weight.

What he actually said was far more insulting and embarrassing (I don’t really even want to say what it was) and totally out of character.

I had a complete meltdown over it and he very quickly back tracked and told me it wasn’t true and he’d said it out of anger.

It took me a very long time to get past it. However, we did get past it and although it is occasionally at the back of my mind, it hasn’t ruined our sex life or our marriage.

I just wanted to reassure you that this isn’t insurmountable, even if it feels horrendous right now.

Just don't be too hard on yourself OP, you are an average size even if you are over weight! Plenty gorgeous size 14 and 16 ladies going about.

You can lose the weight but you won't if it's based on his opinion, it needs to be what YOU really want to do.

Suggest you offer a healthy eating and exercise regime with him, as he also is needing to lose weight, he's not perfect either OP, nobody is!

Just don't allow him to speak to you so derogatory again, no need!

The other issue maybe that it's not just the weight.

If my partner made no effort ever, I would start to find him unattractive too. I would still love him, but feel he didn't give a shit if I fancied him or not.

I suggest she leaves it and does what pleases her
Sure if that works.
As I said I was only going from her original post.
I know after I had DS1 found it easy to wear jog bottoms and old t shirts. Something I've never done in my life before. After a while i went through a phase of not bothering about my hair care, skin care etc which was something that previously had made me feel good. The less I cared about myself, the less I cared about a lot of things. DP was supportive and never stopped me feeling lived and gently encouraged me to take up my hobbies again. Once i got out doing my hobbies ( mountain biking, climbing and hiking) I felt the old me come back.
The difference here is Ops DH doesn't sound supportive of her.

Hang on, so this man has admitted that he is solely sexually attracted to his DW because of her appearance and not because they've got a relationship, history and children together? Sexual attraction should not all be about looks after you go into a marriage but about that connection.

And it is my fault, I am over weight because I eat too much

Equally it’s your DH’s fault for being fat too but you’re not holding it against him are you?

I’d be inclined to call his bluff and admit you don’t find him attractive fat either and see how he responds. He might be less inclined to say it again. But maybe you’re not as shallow as he is.

May I ask why so many posts are about the OP and her size?
What I got from that message is that HE put in weight too and HE doesn’t feel attractive.

Which means that if the OP was losing all the weight in the world and he didn’t, the situation might still be the same.

I also suspect that if the OP had told him the same thing, with the exact same words, he wouod have been very hurt too, which might be worth reminding him....

OP please step back and dint beat yourself up.
You are BOTH struggling with weight issues. The best thing you can do is to work TOGETHER on that issue. But I would also suggest you start building intimacy again. Nit sex nut sowndung time together enjoy8ng yourself, holding hands, cuddling etc etc.

I have to say my worry with his text wouod be that you put all the work. You’ve been made responsible of the situation somehow. And when you will have lost that weight, then nothing will have changed because actually he doesn’t feel attractive either...

Most women in Britain are a size 16
So he was only attracted to your because you were thin.6/8 is very thin
The thinnest I have ever been as an adult is the size you are now op.
I really really hope most men don't think as your dp does.
It's very hard to get back to how you were before children.not impossible,but hard work and time consuming exercise wise ,time that most of us find hard to find with such busy lives.
When I read your post I expected you to say you were now huge.i feel sad you think a size 14/16 is huge.
If you are unhappy with your size you could exercise (hard I know to find the time)and try to cut out silly foods we need.
I'm not sure what to say about your dp.
I'm not sure I would go ahead with the wedding tbh.

Anyone who fancies size 6 women has a thing about thinness.

As do size 6 women, evidenced on this thread.

You can bang on about the politics of preference all you like (hint: they're weird, and not in a good way) but if you and your partner haven't grown out of it, then both go on a diet.

Don't need ,not need

There is more than just words there.

He comes across as angry.

Today 11:46 LoadOfUtterBoswellocks

Urgh. To say he wouldn't have even considered placing his award-winning magnificent penis inside you if you were not thin when he met you...just urgh. He doesn't want a wife he wants a mannequin - never changing, always at the specified standard of appearance he deems fuckable, no feelings, no thoughts.

This