I asked for the truth I got it ...

[blackandyellowbee]

Been having some intimacy issues with DH for a while. He just isn't interested.

We have 2 DC 5 and 2. I will admit by my own admission that after I had my youngest I let myself go. I stop taking care of myself. I didn't lose the weight, I gained it. I stopped doing my hair and makeup. I was unhappy I'd put weight on so I didn't feel there was any point. Stopped wearing nice clothes etc.
It just kind of spiralled.

Today I confront DH about his lack of interest in sex, we've spoke about it a few times but brushed over the topic and nothing got sorted. So this morning I text him and told him I wanted the truth. This is the reply I got...

You want me to be honest? Fine then I will. As I don’t feel remotely attractive myself because of my weight it’s come to the point where at the moment I don’t find you sexually attractive because of the weight you have put on. I was first attracted to you because you were thin. If you were the size that you are now I wouldn’t of looked twice at you. Sorry but that’s how it is. I do love you but just not sexually attracted to you because of your weight. Call me shallow and evil or what you like but at least I’m being honest. Like I said call me what you want but I’ve told you the truth which you wanted. I’m sorry.

I mean, I'm heartbroken. I know I asked for the truth and I have put on weight from a tiny size 6/8 to a 14/16. We are due to get married this year. Other than this our relationship is so good. I don't really know what I'm asking to be honest. I just need to offload as I have no one else to talk too.

She is 13 stone, so yes, people (and health professionals) should regard her as overweight

Big difference between being overweight and very overweight but guess you need that extra bit to harness up your point.

Oh FFS. There was nothing loving or respectful about that message and if he was going to be honest maybe he should have said 'hey hun I love you and want to fuck you because you have stick figure - please realise that if you put on weight after birthing babies that share 50% of my DNA I reserve the right to find you unattractive and not want to fuck you'.

It's not his fault that he doesn't find her attractive is it what do you think he should do then, force himself to have sex with her even though he doesn't want to

It's not his fault that he doesn't find her attractive isit. what do you think he should do then, force himself to have sex with her even though he doesn't want to

Hell no. After the OP has birthed his babies he should have an absolute right to find another younger, thinner, sexier model and fuck her until her gets bored with her too - whilst all the time retaining the right to get fatter himself.

taco that poster was right though, there are far better, kinder ways of telling someone their weight gain is off putting. He was deliberately, spitefully cruel. The message is not the most relevant thing here, the delivery of it speaks volumes about the lack of live and respect he has for his wife

It’s not very nice to hear that, but if you are feeling unhappy anyway (and he is unhappy with his weight too) then it is something you can both work on.

You are not b6 any stretch of the imagination vastly overweight, it’s easier to tackle now.

I don’t think it’s wrong or bad to stop fancying somebody because they put weight on or change their appearance. It works both ways. Shallow or not, I always feel better about myself when I am thinner and have a higher sex drive as I feel better about myself.

Horrified by some of the stuff on this thread. People who love us don’t speak to us like that – people who truly love us love us enough to choose their words with kindness. And – in my experience anyway – love is blind, or it isn’t love. We’re loved – and wanted – just as we are, or we’re not truly loved at all.

And yet millions of women in France, Scandinavia and Japan return swiftly to their pre pregnancy weight after kids....

Millions (maybe not millions) do that in the UK too.
Thinking of it, most of my social group of mums, approaching mid 40s are similar to before children approx. 15 years ago.
Only a couple of them are into fitness too, so it's not mad gym work.

I do think how he put it was mean.
You both sound unhappy.
You've said you've let yourself go to how you were before. Maybe do baby steps in getting your confidence back.

Perhaps start with a good haircut and go back to wearing make up if you like. It takes little time to put a tinted moisturiser on, a bit of mascara and lip gloss.
A spray of a favourite perfume can lift your mood.
It's hard sometimes to fit exercise in with babies but maybe a YouTube exercise instead of a tv programme in the evening.
Don't go overboard with new clothes if you are planning on losing weight but get some flattering everyday clothes. No point saving something for 'best'
Don't think you have to do these but just suggestions to give yourself a boost. It sounds like apart from being flattened by your husbands remarks youve put yourself on a back burner.
Hopefully he will join in with your new attitude and look after himself as well.

force himself to have sex with her even though he doesn't want to

Or maybe he could grow up into a mature adult who is capable of a deeper sense of attraction that isn't about how skinny someone is.

There is being honest and there is being a twat.

At least he is being honest about being a twat.

It takes little time to put a tinted moisturiser on, a bit of mascara and lip gloss

Oh yes. Maybe the DP should do this too!

Can't believe you were a size 6-8 at 5 feet 6!

Its the double standards that fuck me off.

The pp post about the mannequin is so spot on.

Some men do want barbie in looks and brain. A perfect robot to service their needs.

I had a twat like this. I went up to a 16 from a 12 after my son became disabled because i had other priorities and couldnt get to the gym for a while. And yes i ate fucking cakes.

The guy just kept on about me dieting rather than have any understanding i had different priorities for a while due to a massive life change. I am back in a 12 but i lost 15 stone of man child permanently. No thanks.

Lose weight for yourself OP. Not for some bellend.

It takes little time to put a tinted moisturiser on, a bit of mascara and lip gloss

Jesus Christ.

Average UK size is a 16.

Perhaps he needs to feck off to Denmark.

Omg that was nasty. There are a million more tactful ways to say what he said. I don't think there's anything wrong with him being honest about your weight because I would be with my husband, but I'd certainly try and discuss it in a way that wasn't so hurtful.

DH told me he didn't find me as attractive when I lost a lot of weight a few years ago. I was a size 10 and he barely touched me and said he preferred how I was before (size 16ish).

I think everyone's entitled to their preferences. You're doing something about it, he acknowledges he has the same issue. Maybe plan some of the stuff you can do together when you reach your target weights? He worded it badly but you did ask...

Average UK size is a 16.

Which is overweight according to health professionals.

The average U.K. size shouldn’t be a 16 as that’s classed as obese. I’m sure 100 years or so ago there were no size 16 women who existed

MrsBrianWarner Tue 08-Jan-19 14:08:13

WINNER!!! Hope they were good cakes .

If you were a size 6 at 8 stone 10 OP, you must have been seriously toned. I weigh around that and I'm a 10.

I'm 5ft 6in and a size 6-8 @Adora10. I am slim but not underweight by any means. I don't know why you find that so amazing. If you're small framed then it's really not that tiny. People are different. If I was a size 14 I'd be very overweight for me and my build. And I'm not young - I'm late 30s and I've had 2 children.

The root of the problem here is that OP’s DH hates himself fat. If he didn’t he may not project his issues onto the OP who isn’t that overweight. The fact that he hates himself fat means he may not want to have sex regardless of what size the OP is. I highly doubt the OP dieting will fix this problem. In fact he may feel worse about himself if OP does slim down and he is still fat.

So he needs to work on his self image.

If he and the OP also want to get in shape together that’s up to them.

FWIW I could never ever have sex with a man who says ‘would of’ and criticises his wife for a perceived failing of his own.

@Adora10 it maybe the average size, but that just means that the average U.K. woman is obese.

Why are people focusing on dress size? It’s a nonsense in the uk these days. 13 stone is very overweight at that height. Fortunately for the OP she used to be very into fitness and can absolutely shed a couple of stone and get the much-needed endorphins back. No shame in being overweight - other things take over sometimes - but now she has the perfect right to prioritise her own well-being.