I asked for the truth I got it ...

[blackandyellowbee]

Been having some intimacy issues with DH for a while. He just isn't interested.

We have 2 DC 5 and 2. I will admit by my own admission that after I had my youngest I let myself go. I stop taking care of myself. I didn't lose the weight, I gained it. I stopped doing my hair and makeup. I was unhappy I'd put weight on so I didn't feel there was any point. Stopped wearing nice clothes etc.
It just kind of spiralled.

Today I confront DH about his lack of interest in sex, we've spoke about it a few times but brushed over the topic and nothing got sorted. So this morning I text him and told him I wanted the truth. This is the reply I got...

You want me to be honest? Fine then I will. As I don’t feel remotely attractive myself because of my weight it’s come to the point where at the moment I don’t find you sexually attractive because of the weight you have put on. I was first attracted to you because you were thin. If you were the size that you are now I wouldn’t of looked twice at you. Sorry but that’s how it is. I do love you but just not sexually attracted to you because of your weight. Call me shallow and evil or what you like but at least I’m being honest. Like I said call me what you want but I’ve told you the truth which you wanted. I’m sorry.

I mean, I'm heartbroken. I know I asked for the truth and I have put on weight from a tiny size 6/8 to a 14/16. We are due to get married this year. Other than this our relationship is so good. I don't really know what I'm asking to be honest. I just need to offload as I have no one else to talk too.

Spot on Queenie I made precisely the same point.

Oh my god yes to the post above

Just because something is an average doesn't make it good

Why so people keep twittering about the average UK weight?

to make themselves feel better

Yes he was horrible in the way he said it and he's an arse but he also sounds fed up and unhappy about his own weight too. The fact is OP you are fat (13 stone is overweight so I wish everyone would stop talking about dress sizes. A 16 these days is big regardless of whether it is average) but you can do something about it. Why not use this as the start of an honest conversation about how you've both let yourself go but you want to change and to desire each other again. Good luck.

halfwit, whether it's over weight or not it's is the average UK women's size, it's not to make me feel better, I'm a size 12 so don't waste your nastiness.

I'd just like the OP know she is not some freak like some of you are painting her out to be on here; including her horrible insensitive partner, she's a normal albeit overweight lady, big bloody deal, they are all over the street outside, does anyone go about slagging them off, no, and your fiancé should be your biggest fan, not your biggest criticiser.

Thing is sometimes the truth hurts! Why ask the question if you didn’t want the answer?

You asked and he told you. I don’t see anything wrong with telling a partner tbh, it’s obvious if someone puts on many stone and stops caring about the way they look you may stop being attracted to them. It does not mean you don’t love them it just means they aren’t doing it for you sexually.

What’s the uk average weight got to do with anything? People carry weight differently so just because someone is the “average” weight it doesn’t mean they look good.

He had a one line comment about his weight then the rest was about the OP. My DH has put on weight and so have I, we are encouraging to each other's weight loss not vile. There's honest and being a twat as someone upthread said.

It’s very worrying that the OPs DP said he was attracted to her because she was thin. It is not healthy to be thin.

So based on BMI, what age and weight were you OP when you met.

As for the poster who said people were smaller 100 years ago, well yes they were. That’s why people died due to their poor diet and general lack of adequate food amounts.

A couple of things jump out, which other posters have also commented on. He’s definitely not written it to upset you or make you feel bad, but he has been too honest and gave unnecessary detail. He probably doesn’t realise it makes him sound like a dick (the I like thin business).

As you’re both dieting and looking to change your weight, there was no need to be so detailed or blunt, but unfortunately many people do come up with similar responses to such questions, totally unaware of how upsetting they can be. I’d probably ease my horror by replying - thank god you said that, I’ve been feeling exactly the same about the way you look now but didn’t want to upset you as we’re both trying so hard. Seems giving birth twice changes dad’s body too! Do you think viagra would help? I’d also throw in something about his hair/skin/snoring or what not and what we could do about that. But then I’m a bitch .

The other thing that occurs is that you’re getting married this year. Does he think both you and he will not age/change style/get ill/change weight again in the future? Life’s going to be a constant run of disappointment if he has such rigid thinking about what is attractive etc. and avoids intimacy until that ideal is met. A huge part of committing to someone is the ‘in sickness and health’ part and all that entails, including changes in size, physical atrractiveness etc.

In seriousness, I’d speak to him about this and say you’re concerned that he has such a fixed idea of beauty. Very few people are a size 6/8 for their entire life. There will be times you are larger, or even smaller, and you need to know that he will love you and be attracted to you regardless.

I got a similar mesage 10 years ago. He didn’t find me attractive at all. I was a size 8, about 9.5 stone when we got married. Sport and fitness is what brought us together. We enjoyed running, exercising, etc.

I had horrendous PND after my first born. I was prescribed fluoxetine. I put on 2 stone in six months. Then DS2 came along with an extra 2 stone. That was the time he told me he didn’t find me attractive AND he was embarrassed to be seen with me in public. This after I demanded to know the truth after he kept moving away from me and refusing to hold my hand when we were walking in a shopping centre...

But I didn’t get it. Carried on and put on another stone for good measure. I was 14 stone at my heaviest and a tight size 18. I hated the way I looked, avoided mirrors, buying clothes, etc. Every single Saturday he would ask me if I wanted to do parkrun with him. Every Saturday I told him to eff off, I was tired. He offered to look after the kids so I could go to the gym... I didnt go. You get the picture.

18 months ago, it took me discovering he was in an emotional affair for me to kick my arse into gear. I was so shocked I lost a stone in a week. I thought I’d make something good out of this, got myself a PT, went on a keto diet and started running.

Today I am 10 stone, a size 8-10, and have a very decent 5km, 10km and half marathon times. I look great in everything I wear (apart from bikinis, that is a work in progress) and I feel great because even though this came through shock and grief for something HE did (unexcusable and my relationship is still being tested but that’s a different issue) I decided to change FOR ME.

I reached my target weight a year ago and I’ve kept it off. It is not easy, but it is possible. Attaching a photo of my before and after- I might remove it later. I got from before to after in 11months. It is doable.

Best of luck

Comment wasn't directed at you adorabell

Looking fab, Ellenisia

Adora10

A size 14-16 is not obese.

Clothes sizing is really a pointless measure as all shops differ. I’m around 11st 1, 5ft 9. Not proud of it and working towards my ideal weight which is 10st (I’ve lost a stone though!), in H&M I can’t even squeeze myself into a size 16 trousers and do the zip up. In m&s and tesco’s clothing range I csn comfortably fit a 10, and once in primary I got into a size 4 dress with room to spare!

Weight and height and BMI is what matters. Those are scientific measures and, unless they’re applied to a body builder, a good general gauge for the average person. OP’s BMI is 29.2 (another poster worked it out). She is a hair’s width away from 30, which is clinically obese. Therefore she is very overweight. Whether she shops in H&M and wears a 20 or M&S and wears a 10 is immaterial. You seem really invested in the notion that the size OP says she is ‘isn’t obese’, when that’s not really the issue. Numbers on a scale don’t lie!

Primark obviously, not primary 😂 though I was more like a size 4 in primary school of course!

It’s very worrying that the OPs DP said he was attracted to her because she was thin. It is not healthy to be thin

OP states she was 8 stone 10 at 5'5", which is a BMI of 19.5
Perfectly healthy and thin (slim, whatever you want to call it).

I don't think it's worrying to have a preference to what you find attractive.

It really, truly is healthy to be thin. It's a healthy state we've lost sight of in our obese society (I speak as someone who is notably overweight.)
Being too thin due to malnutrition is not healthy. But being slim and energetic and not overeating is a really good state that shouldn't be tutted at.

But being slim and energetic and not overeating is a really good state that shouldn't be tutted at.

Nobody's tutting at it that I've seen. I think a few people might be giving the side-eye to those other people who think their thinness is some kind of achievement and attractiveness pinnacle.

It's also not about having visual preferences when it comes to a potential partner. Of course we fancy what we fancy. But when you've had a kid or two with someone and been in a relationship for 5+ years, you'd think your connection would be more than skin-deep. That's the worrying thing.

Your love for and attraction to your life partner should not be in inverse proportion to their BMI.

Maybe the OP’s partner feels like he wouldn’t be able to maintain an erection if he’s feeling rubbish in himself and also doesn’t find the OP attractive anymore. Maybe doesn’t want to put them through that humiliation by trying to have sex.
I’m sure if you went on a health kick together then it would eventually make you both feel great and the sexual attraction would return.

You look great Ellenisia and also look healthy. Well done. You can do it too OP.

Thing is sometimes the truth hurts! Why ask the question if you didn’t want the answer?

Because even when we want "the truth" it's not the truth we want but just more truth. If you really get the muck that sloshes around in most men's brains it'll be stuff like "I occasionally think of your sister when we DTD" popping out and that's just too much truth.

Why is everyone focusing on the OP’s weight and their own and not the DH who made these comments?

I haven't read the whole thread but - he's blatently projecting, isn't he? He's taking those feelings of self loathing about his own size and transmitting that to how he feels about your weight gain. He phrased it badly but he's probably talking about how he feels about himself.
I hope you can both start feeling a bit happier and healthier soon.

Because he has said he doesn't find her attractive at the weight she is.

This is a really tough one. I have been slim and fat and everything in between in my marriage and my dh has loved and fancied me every step of the way. On the one hand, if he doesn't fancy you anymore he can't help that, but imo that makes him seem pretty fucking shallow. I mean say you met him when you were 20. If you had been 50 when he met you he probably wouldn't have fancied you, yet we all age, so what will happen when you are 50? You asked for honesty and you got it but in your shoes I would feel very hurt and disappointed.

He was unnecessarily unkind but I also agree that dramatic changes can lead to loss of physical attraction. Friends DP has grown the most hideous scraggy rough beard and I just thought "How can she still have sex with him looking like that" . She says they still do but she can't bring herself to kiss him! He knows this but keeps the beard - for context , it looks dirty and unkempt, not a nice trimmed beard - for me it's the fact that he doesn't mind that it puts her off him that would put me off.