I asked for the truth I got it ...

[blackandyellowbee]

Been having some intimacy issues with DH for a while. He just isn't interested.

We have 2 DC 5 and 2. I will admit by my own admission that after I had my youngest I let myself go. I stop taking care of myself. I didn't lose the weight, I gained it. I stopped doing my hair and makeup. I was unhappy I'd put weight on so I didn't feel there was any point. Stopped wearing nice clothes etc.
It just kind of spiralled.

Today I confront DH about his lack of interest in sex, we've spoke about it a few times but brushed over the topic and nothing got sorted. So this morning I text him and told him I wanted the truth. This is the reply I got...

You want me to be honest? Fine then I will. As I don’t feel remotely attractive myself because of my weight it’s come to the point where at the moment I don’t find you sexually attractive because of the weight you have put on. I was first attracted to you because you were thin. If you were the size that you are now I wouldn’t of looked twice at you. Sorry but that’s how it is. I do love you but just not sexually attracted to you because of your weight. Call me shallow and evil or what you like but at least I’m being honest. Like I said call me what you want but I’ve told you the truth which you wanted. I’m sorry.

I mean, I'm heartbroken. I know I asked for the truth and I have put on weight from a tiny size 6/8 to a 14/16. We are due to get married this year. Other than this our relationship is so good. I don't really know what I'm asking to be honest. I just need to offload as I have no one else to talk too.

I'm kind of in this situation with my husband in that he's put on a lot of weight and I'm not physically attracted to him anymore :-( I feel dreadful about it as I do still really love him but I'm really struggling to get past it. I appreciate people do change with age and a bit of weight gain is normal but my husband has put on 5 stone and he's naturally a small build so he can't pull it off.

I think part of it, for me, is what it symbolises. It's like he doesn't make an effort to look attractive for me nowadays. I'm not expecting a Greek God but when he does no exercise, eats crap and doesn't even seem to be trying - that really puts me off. If he was still overweight but trying to eat healthily and exercise a bit and had some get up and go, I'd probably find him more attractive straight away. I've had 2 babies and I'm pushing 40 but I'm still size 6-8 so at the back of my mind I do think, "Why can't he do it?!" although I know that's a bit harsh. I know you're probably upset right now but I think this does sound solvable if both you and your husband try and motivate each other.

My husband told me that I was too fat to be intimate with. He wasn't much better but we both worked on losing weight without any luck. He seemed happy living like that, I wasn't and eventually I decided I needed to leave him. Once I'd made my mind up, getting my ducks in a row shocked the hell out of me and the weight dropped off, though it was too late, I'd mentally left him.

Very overweight is not a size 14 Lost!

She has a BMI of 29.2.

Although if we apply the ‘fat logic’ seen throughout this thread, she’s probably just big boned, or has lots of muscle, or has particularly big boobs (eye roll emoji).

If I was a size 6 at 5 feet 2 half, I would look seriously ill, I am a healthy size 12 and am complimented regularly on my shape; the OP is a size 14-16, hardly obese.

You also can't possibly know her BMI!

OP, I was where you are now since I had my youngest 2 years ago. Last summer, I felt so awful about myself and my DH just wasn’t interested. I found myself a gym that has a crèche/kids club. I hired a PT. That got me started. Yes it was expensive but it’s worth spending a few hundred quid because divorce is much more expensive! I’ve almost got myself back. Eating healthy is still hard but I’ve done it mainly by ditching the bad carbs and the junk food. Make a plan. You can also do YouTube video workouts but mix those with a proper gym workout. You can do this.

I think if you push someone hard enough for the truth then at some point you're going to get it. You say you've discussed it a few times and it was brushed over, I assume as he was reticent to be honest.

And I'm worried this thread is the same, you don't really want the truth on here because it will also hurt, you're looking to be told it's not you it's him.

He's been honest, he doesn't feel sexual and he doesn't find you sexually attractive at the moment. Either get all hurt about it or simply decide if you're ok with him not finding you physically attractive and you wish to stay this way, or if you wish to change for you.

But in future please don't push people to tell you the truth if it's the last thing you really want to hear. It does no one any favours.

Having young children does not make you overweight (otherwise all women with children throughout history would have been overweight). Eating badly makes you overweight. Not having time to excercise isn't really the reason, since weight loss is mostly down to food intake.

The reason is that our priorities change. We've attracted the mate, produced the offspring... the pressure to bother with our appearance is reduced, and our focus is on the children. Resisting cakes and biscuits and overeating is never easy, but being a parent doesn't make it logistically any harder. It just makes it harder to make yourself be arsed to do anything about it.

He was attracted to you because you were thin, or slim? If he expects you to go back to your pre-pregnancy weight, it may just not be feasible for you. As you say, you were tiny. And now you've been through two pregnancies. 14-16 isn't exactly huge.

If you want to lose weight for you, you absolutely should. But he should not expect you to just ping back to your pre-pregnancy body like growing two humans isn't a big deal. Some women are lucky enough to look unchanged by pregnancy, but many more aren't. And he hasn't grown two new people in his body so he should not be viewing your experiences as equal.

He should have lied to you .

It's very common for women who are overweight to not feel like they want sex, due to unhappines with their body size.
This forum often has posts like that.
His first sentence: I don't feel remotely attracted to myself because of my weight.
I've read that dozens of time from women on this forum.
Most posters seem to be ignoring his first sentence and focussing on the second.

Yes having babies does give you a belly, I, and many of my friends have a pouch that only the gym and regular exercise would shift that was caused directly by pregnancies.

OP, please do not take the blame for this, you know you need to lose a bit weight and I mean a bit.

The issue you have is a man that thinks it's ok to put you down and make you feel really shit, a man you plan to marry this year.

Think very seriously if you want to be with someone that is going to judge you on your appearance to such an extent he's refusing intimacy.

It's him who doesn't wish to have sex, not her and he has not stated he wants her to ping back

But a size six to eight is tiny and the op says she was into fitness, so due to her weight at the time I'd assume she was very fit indeed and had a certain look, a 14/16 isn't huge but it's nearly twice the size of before, so there is a signicant change here that is not simply weight related.

It is what it is. He should not have lied. It's terrible advice that we should lie to each other in this context. Maybe he could have been gentler, but as said, if you push hard enough, then it's going to come bursting out.

You also can't possibly know her BMI!

OP posted her height and weight up thread.
Her BMI is 29.2
That is very overweight.

And yet millions of women in France, Scandinavia and Japan return swiftly to their pre pregnancy weight after kids....

You are considerably overweight, you badgered for the truth and got it. Now do something about it. He can join you, if he wants to lose weight as well.

This poor me, i've had CHILDREN schtick is keeping you fat, and unhappy in your relationship. Physical attraction and self care in a relationship is important. Lose the weight and no matter what happens to your relationship, you'll be far healthier and set a better example to your children.

Lose weight for yourself and not for him. Getting in shape to please someone else just leads to resentment.

However IF you want to get your marriage back on track, as you are both overweight, work on your fitness together. Meal plan together, go running or cycling together, join a gym together.

For context I'm 5'6''

Wow and folk calling you very over weight, my god, I don't think so, I am a size 12 and not even 5 foot 3"!

Of course we know her BMI, because she gave us her weight and height!

This might be an unpopular opinion, but like you said, you asked for honesty and you certainly got it, but is there really a more delicate way he could of said things? I don't think so.

He admits he has put on weight and alludes to his own body confidence issues, which is showing a lot more hubris than most men who go off their wives when they put weight on and given how much you have gone up, I kind of understand.

I was talking to my DH yesterday about getting in shape once our bub arrives as it's important to me to be as healthy and fit as possible, but also because I'm a 10 normally and don't want that to change. He said there is no pressure from him for me to do anything other than feel happy but I couldn't put him through the torment of a wife that doubled in size after a kid. His mum did that and I don't think his dad ever really felt the same. You can just tell.

If you're losing weight together, that is amazingly positive. Just imagine when you both start seeing some good results...I bet that sexy spark comes flying back!

Adora10 a BMI of 29.2 is teeteringly dangerously between overweight and obese. OP sorry to post that but it's a fact (one I have had to face myself so I know how tough it is)

OP you have gone quiet - maybe you're busy or maybe you've run away. I hope you're OK though

And in the meantime, do things to make yourself feel good! Get your hair done, treat yourself to a devilishly expensive but lovely lippy and rediscover your confidence! The weight will take a little time but you don't have to lose who you are in the meantime. You deserve to feel good as you go!x

*For context I'm 5'6''

Wow and folk calling you very over weight, my god, I don't think so, I am a size 12 and not even 5 foot 3"!*

She is 13 stone, so yes, people (and health professionals) should regard her as overweight.

I was first attracted to you because you were thin. If you were the size that you are now I wouldn’t of looked twice at you

Recognising that you have both put on weight that you aren't happy with and that it's affecting your sexual relationship isn't a bad thing. Saying as much to your partner is not a bad thing.

That statement however, IMO is just cruel. People grow older, bodies change. That is a fact of life.

NO, a BMI of 29 is classed as overweight, nobody is disputing her need to lose weight BitOut, myself included.

I myself just would question a man that was judging me so harshly on a bit of weight gain and regardless, I do believe having two babies does contribute to that gain

To refuse intimacy over this would indicate to me that he was perhaps not someone i would want to grow old with and yes, change with as the years go by.

I think this may be the start of a diet change for you OP and if that's what you want yourself then it's great. A kick up the bum so to speak. You said yourself you are unhappy, use this as positive motivation for yourself and do it for YOU! Xx