Wish me luck ... I'm actually doing it

[beverleymaccalovesdave]

I've posted under many names over the last year , mainly because I was embarrassed that I didn't have the strength to leave and I didn't want my mn 'friends' to get fed up of me the way my real life friends have .

Long story short : I met a man who initially was everything I could have wished for , it didn't take long for the cracks to show but I thought I could change him if I was just a little better with him , if I didn't say too much , if I just agreed with him more .. you get the jist !

Anyway I gave up my house to live with him and his children ( he is a young widower) and for a million reasons all of which I knew and could see before I did that I am finally at breaking point .

Right now ,I am awaiting the call back from the letting agent on a property I've fallen in love with back In my hometown (miles always from him ) . I have already passed the credit check and secured a little loan off my big brother for the deposit , just the references to go now .

I know it will all kick off when I tell him I'm leaving and I know there will be a battle over me taking my things and I probs won't get out of there without some injury or all of my possessions but I'm so looking forward to just me and my dds being happy and safe in our little cottage .

I'm still playing the game at the minute , still sending the 'I love you 'texts and pottering around his house , sorting his kids , handing my money over ( money is a big problem of his , his is his but once that's gone he demands mine too,'family pot' but only when it suits him ) .

Ive got a van lined up and am covertly putting the word out for second hand furniture amongst my work friends ( I still work in my hometown and of course he hasn't wanted to bother with any of them despite numerous invites )

It will be a few days/week or so before I can attempt to get my things and go but it's happening , just hope all is good news with the letting agency

Wish me luck

@AnneTwackie

I honestly love his children like they are my own but I have to put mine first .

In his eyes , his kids are angels and mine are little shits . What his does is cute , mine can do the same thing and they are naughty . For example: his can get all her toys out and line them up in the lounge to play , this is cute . Mine do the same and he is fed up of the mess all the time .

They have a wide family support so I'm not concerned for them , I will blumming miss them terribly though ,

Also since his partner died everyone has rallied round and done the bulk of it all for him anyway , first his parents then I took over .. I'm hoping this gives him the kick up the arse to actually be a full time parent and think for himself but I'm not sure what it would take for him to realise they are his kids so they are his problem not everyone else's .

Although the selfish side of me is looking forward to having days off from parenting. My dds are 50/50 with their dad so for 3 or so days a weeks I will be free to me not the nanny/cleaner/ thinker of everything

Have you found all the paper work

Birth certificates baby photos etc

Anything you’d miss?

Take a big bag to work with a few bits in each day

Can the man with a van have a friend with him? You can get police assistance prior to the move if necessary - you may have a community Bobby - better to prevent a crime!

You probably have a list of all you need already, you sound so organised. But there is a list here of things to include in your safety packing list (documents etc)

If you can’t sneak originals out you could take photos of some things (to include policy numbers etc)

www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

You might also find the benefits calculator helpful too

www.entitledto.co.uk

Good luck, we’re all rooting for you x

Your amazing. Wish I could help

I always try and say this on similar threads but if you were my friend i would want you to reach out. Im in no way big or burly but I put on a good face of not being intimidated. I would also store stuff for a friend or indeed the friend. Also a dab hand with a cup of tea and a biscuit.
I say this on the off chance you are my friend but also because it can be difficult to ask.
I can’t beleive how strong you sound.

@ohfourfoxache

In a strange twist of fate I needed to update my DBS for work purposes a few weeks ago so I have my entire folder of important paperwork tucked safely under my desk at work ( I didn't know what I would need ( I did) so I made out I'd better just take the lot just in case)

I didn't know then I was going to leave but I have made no attempts to take the folder back home so what does that tell me ! .

I'm not worried about money , I have a decent salary and although it will be tight , we can still eat and I'm actually looking forward to being in control of my own hard earned pot . After bills I will have £150 ish per week to live on . Because the kids are 50/50 no maintenance is paid and we claim a child benefit each so I doubt I will be entitled to any benefits ... it's ok .. it's doable , I've got this shit ( I think ?)

Thank you all for your kind words , someone upthread said you were proud of me .. that means so much and was rattling through my head all night whilst I was going through the motions at home .

I am the van driver so no chance of anyone being with me when I'm packing , I'm not looking forward to that bit , I don't know how that's going to go .

Until I hear from the agent today I cant plan anything .

Sorry if I missed this but can you take a day off work so you can move out when he's not there?

I'm worried for your safety.

Could you not pop some 'charity boxes/black bags' in the back of your car, then just NOT come home from work one day?

I would suggest this.
Or would your ex-H (who sounds helpful) be there when you leave? Having left the DD's at a friend's/his parents?

@timetostepup he works in the same building as their house - so even if she takes a day off work, he'll still be there.

Op please have someone with you.
This is chilling.

Bloody hell OP, well done for being do sodding brave! Tske every precaution, keep yourself safe and make sure people in real life kbow what you are planning, as this is the most dangerous time for you, should he get an inkling you are planning to leave.
Wishing you all the best for your new life

Oh that’s absolutely awesome! Fate can be a great friend!

Like others, I’m quite worried about you packing by yourself. Could your ExH come over to give you a hand? Or a relative? Or colleague?

Or if you tell us roughly where you are we could organise a mob?

In a ideal world yes , I'd like to leave and never go back but I've too much stuff and not enough money to start again completely.

All my clothes , my 2 dc clothes .. all their bedroom furniture, toys . White goods from my old house and bits of furniture that I love so much and could never drop on again anywhere . Also a lock up of other stuff that didn't fit in the house but I wanted to keep . At least 3 van loads !

I will if I have too but that arse is not getting a good life out of my stupidity. His house was a shithole ( still is but a little better since I've moved in ) they are my things and I want them . I've already lost so much . He is not benefiting out of my loss .

She says ... but if I've gotta go with the shirt on back and nothing else , I will , if only to sleep easy in the bed I don't have yet

I'm thinking that initially I will have to go with nothing , but eventually he will come round and let me collect stuff , probs not on the day I tell I'm leaving but quite soon after . Especially if I pop a text out to his parents ( who are fully aware of what he is like to me , his Dm offered me some money towards a house deposit a few months back as he had thrown me and my dds out again , she loves him but hates what he does , his late partner was often at hers in tears too so it's not just me and he won't change )

I'm rambling , sorry . But I've been miles away from home , no friends anymore because I always chose him over them and have had to put a brave face on for so long . It feels good to get it all out

I'm west midlands , will be moving from one end to the other side of the county . Approx 45 mins away with a good wind on the motorway

Could you go to his mum now? You know the situation best but could she manufacture a reason to keep him away for a day to allow you to get your stuff and be away before he knows?
It’s a lot of lying and manipulating but anything the minimises risk is worth a try I think.
He sounds like a monster you need to get away from, even his own mother can see it.

I've heard that the police will come out and help you retrieve your belongings. Maybe call the non-urgent number and ask if/how they can help if needed

Good luck OP. I would also consider giving the police a headsup, so if anything does kick off on the day, you can 999 them and they'll know about the backstory already.

I would also - if you feel able - bluntly ask any colleagues, friends etc if they have anyone who could help you - the bigger and burlier the better. People will move mountains if they can, you'd be surprised.

Good work & Good luck ! But as others have said, please have someone with you. Surely you'll need help with moving furniture etc anyway?!

I'm still waiting on news from the letting agent , until they say yay or nay I can't plan anything!

ExH will keep the kids as long as I need him too , he is lending me his van , he will not get involved anymore than that and that's fine , he is doing more than enough already , he is one that suggested we pretend he is taking the girls away for the rest of the hols so he doesn't get suspicious that I'm not taking the girls home as usual ,although he is thrilled I'm coming home and he can stop worrying about the dcs being there .

Once I hear from the agent and I can start planning , I might pop to his dms tonight and let her in on it . She is ace and can be trusted as if he knew what she had told me she would be in for it as well , so she won't tell him for fear of him falling out with her too . But she might provide a decoy .. I will have a think about it once I know what I'm doing.

I need the agent to call me back now !

Id also ask for help. People will help. People you dont even think about asking. How did his wife die?

If you think he will be violent OP can you call women's aid for advice on how you can get your stuff safety - ie see if the police will be there to stop him stopping you getting your stuff?

I am so happy for you... but I'm worried too.

Is there nobody you can take?

Please think about it.

@C0untDucku1a

she died after a short illness , unexpectedly as she was previously healthy , quite young and very tragic really .

I've forgiven and ignored a lot of his behaviours based on what happened to him with her dying , and whilst it is very tragic and an absolutely terrible experience for all involved I've run out of sympathy now .

Also the more I hear the more I realise he was like this Before with her as well so I can't excuse him anymore

As others have said the police will attend whilst you leave if you will be in danger, also there is a removal company who will move women in dangerous domestic situations for free but I can’t remember the name of them-may be worth s google?
It may not make much of s dent in your belongings but can you get away with taking a few bits to work with you? Even just wearing s few extra layers?
Awful you need to think like this!!

Can you ask his mum to be there when you leave?