Ended up in relationship due to passivity

[zcsagsa]

Last year whilst studying for my masters I met a nice guy who I got on really well with. I found him incredibly easy to talk to and enjoyed his company. My university had a lot of international students so it was refreshing to meet someone who had a similar background/understood my references.

I really did not find him attractive and made sure to keep our interactions as platonic as possible. However, my friendliness was misinterpreted and he got the impression I was interested. I wouldn't describe myself as overly assertive but I'm not exactly a doormat either. I really don't know how I allowed it to happen but we ended up starting a relationship even though I knew I didn't (and still don't) like him in that way. I should note I was fairly anxious this time last year (job applications, coursework, general fear of the future etc). Don't want to use that as an excuse though.

All I know is that I need to end this relationship now as it's really affecting my mental health. I feel terrible, I should never have entered into this relationship and allowed it to go on for so long. I have attempted to break it off before but we always end up in circles as I can never bring myself to say I just don't like you like that. Anything I offer up is just rebutted. I wish I had nipped this in the bud as my stomach is constantly in knots.

I planned to be honest before Christmas but wimped out. My friends have told me to be honest but I think that just makes me want to avoid any awkwardness even more. (I am the world's biggest procrastinator/head in sand-er)

Please advise, this is awful.

The reason you have to end it now is not your mental health,its because you've completely strung this poor guy along for how long exactly?!

Just get it over and done with. Let him find someome who actually likes him. Forget how uncomfortable it makes you feel ffs, it's about him. Just do it and be straight. Be prepared for him to call you a bitch though

What do you mean you are going round in circles?

Have you specifically said " I do not want to be I a relationship with you."

It really is as simple as that. Arrange to meet him. Have a friend waiting in a car nearby. Say it. Leave.

You need to man the fuck up and stop playing horrible games.

I know I've been an inconsiderate twat, I feel sick to my stomach.

What do you mean you are going round in circles?

e.g. I will say I think this isn't working and he'll just sort of talk over me and bog me down.

Believe me, I have tried to break it off.

You say I'm sorry this isn't working for me. Then you block. And you don't engage. Ever

Have you specifically said " I do not want to be I a relationship with you."

Yes

Well, in that case, block him. Stop answering his messages/calls. Stop meeting him. Stop going on dates with him. Stop having sex with him...

Just stop doing it!

I feel there is no need to tell him you were never interested, I would rather tell him it no longer works.

There should be no problem then. Is he abusing you.... why can't you ignore, walk away...

In the past when I've said something like it's not working he asks for specifics. Possibly it's a tactic because he usually just counters everything I say.

Is he abusing you

Not at all, he just intellectualises or tries to rationalise my reasons.

You just simply block. And never engage. Grey rock.

I always ended up back with a dick. But I was doing it to myself and it stopped when it clicked - I don't need to engage. So I stopped.

You don't need him to agree that ending the relationship is the right choice, and you don't need him to understand the reasons.

In fact, offering reasons is being taken to mean offering chances for him to either change those things or deny them entirely.

You don't need his permission and you don't need to give reasons. "I can't do this anymore", "this is not working for me", "I am breaking up with you" -- all complete sentences. I agree with pp that you don't need to tell him that it was never what you wanted - especially if you want to protect his feelings. But he needs to hear you and back right off.

You obviously don’t really want to end it. You might think you do, but your actions suggest otherwise.

I've said something like it's not working he asks for specifics

“You don’t need specifics. I don’t want to go out with you any more. Please don’t contact me again.”

And then leave, and block him! If he tries to stop you leaving, just say “I don’t want to discuss this any more, I want to break up”, and keep moving. If he follows you all the way home, close the door on him.

You don’t need to worry about hurting his feelings, if he is regularly having to argue you into staying in a relationship with him he is already well aware you don’t like him like that. He just doesn't care what you want as much as he cares about what he wants. Focus on that fact more than his “hurt feelings”.

If it helps, dump him over the phone then you can hang up. He will probably turn up round your house, don’t answer the door. Call the police if he is really persistent.

He just intellectualises or tries to rationalise my reasons

This is not a consensus decision! It doesn’t matter if he agrees or not, or if he thinks your reasons don’t make any sense/aren’t logical. He’s still dumped.

You don't need his permission and you don't need to give reasons. "I can't do this anymore", "this is not working for me", "I am breaking up with you" -- all complete sentences. I agree with pp that you don't need to tell him that it was never what you wanted - especially if you want to protect his feelings.

^This, and then you block him.

Specifics? Who on earth does he think he is needing specifics?
If you can't balls up face to face break up, then do it over the phone and block asap. You should have told him from the very start, as now it seems he's been led on. If you're not attracted to him, it should be easy to break the news to him. Sticky situation springs to mind.

this is quite something
ending up in a relationship due to being passive? how does that even work?!

you have basically strung him along. so weird. do you say yes to eerything? will you spring clean my flat?!

Broken record technique. Plan what to say and stick to it. No discussion or analysing. Be adamant.

Just end it for ffs. If you need to be harsh be harsh. Tell him you're just not that into him and it doesn't work for you.

If you can't tell him to his face due to all the negotiating, then send him a message then block. Don't answer the door to him. He'll soon stop trying.

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever read. How can you let yourself be in a relationship with someone you’ve never liked, don’t want to be with and yet still can’t break it off because you’re a procrastinator? What the actual fuck? He’s manipulating you and for some strange reason you’re letting him. You must be getting something out of it or you wouldn’t be allowing it. Just get on with it already! Tell him you’re not attracted to him. Yuck.

I agree about him manipulating you. I alsomsupaect this is why you ended up going out with him and why it’s hard to break up.

It also means you will have to be particularly to the point.
I imagine you have already spoken to him face to face about it. So this time, ring him, tell him again this is not working for you and then block his number. Delete from SM etc...
I am guessing you are not at uni anymore which will make things easier anyway as you won’t have to see him anyway.