Ended up in relationship due to passivity

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Last year whilst studying for my masters I met a nice guy who I got on really well with. I found him incredibly easy to talk to and enjoyed his company. My university had a lot of international students so it was refreshing to meet someone who had a similar background/understood my references.

I really did not find him attractive and made sure to keep our interactions as platonic as possible. However, my friendliness was misinterpreted and he got the impression I was interested. I wouldn't describe myself as overly assertive but I'm not exactly a doormat either. I really don't know how I allowed it to happen but we ended up starting a relationship even though I knew I didn't (and still don't) like him in that way. I should note I was fairly anxious this time last year (job applications, coursework, general fear of the future etc). Don't want to use that as an excuse though.

All I know is that I need to end this relationship now as it's really affecting my mental health. I feel terrible, I should never have entered into this relationship and allowed it to go on for so long. I have attempted to break it off before but we always end up in circles as I can never bring myself to say I just don't like you like that. Anything I offer up is just rebutted. I wish I had nipped this in the bud as my stomach is constantly in knots.

I planned to be honest before Christmas but wimped out. My friends have told me to be honest but I think that just makes me want to avoid any awkwardness even more. (I am the world's biggest procrastinator/head in sand-er)

Please advise, this is awful.

I could imagine myself doing this, I have to admit, when I was younger and totally clueless. But I can't imagine doing this and still saying " I wouldn't describe myself as overly assertive but I'm not exactly a doormat".

Don't give him reasons; give him emotions. You can't rationalise those. "I don't love you. I want to be with someone I love."

Oh OP, you have to stop having the break-up conversation and giving him reasons. He's not a nice man if he argues/browbeats/confounds you into staying when you don't want to - what sort of person wants to be in a relationship with a woman who has to be convinced to be with him?

So you need to text or email him your break-up and say at the end you don't want any more contact from him at all. Then block him and refuse to engage with him. If he comes round, don't answer the door and be prepared to threaten/get the police involved if he makes a nuisance of himself. Bloke like this (who doesn't take no for an answer) is potentially a risk.

It's not him. It's you. He might have a problem, but your inability to say, and then demonstrate, a clear and final "No" is where the boundary is lacking. Unless he's physically glued to you, you really can get away. If you can't, and he's stalking you, then call the police.

I know it's a weird situation to find myself in. Over the past year, I was really stressed and did not have the stamina or mental capacity to push through those tough conversations and hold my ground. he just sort of bulldozed the issues I raised e.g. not feeling like we were right for each other. He is very nice and considerate in all other respects.

If it helps this is about you not him. You are choosing to be in a relationship with him and you are choosing to remain. Passivity doesn’t really exist. Do nothing is a life option and a life choice. Why do you keep making it?

I would guess you don’t want to face the pain of the break up or being alone. Examine your decisions and either own them or change them.

You don’t need specifics.

Text:- I don’t want to be in this relationship any more. I’m not going going into detail because when I tried, you try to think up solutions and I don’t want you to. Sorry if I’ve hurt you but it’s over-please don’t try to contact me in the hope you can change my mind.

It sounds like you are putting his wish to be in a relationship with you over your own feelings. You don't need his permission to end it. It's hard but the kindest thing for both of you is to bite the bullet and to tell him it isn't working - repeat if necessary. It shouldn't come as a shock to him if you've tried to end it before. End it over the phone if it's easier but do end it soon so you can both move on with your lives.

I’ve been in this mess loads of times. He is the kind of bloke that will be really persistent but if you stick to your guns he will do the pleading and crying and eventually get nasty.

Have you other friends? It seems unkind of you to be stringing this guy along and it seems unkind of him not to listen to you.

Ah feck it OP, why not just marry him and have his children? Wouldn't want to offend him, after all.

i have considered doing it over the phone/text but just worry our mutual friends and even acquaintances would think it was a shitty thing to do. I feel like I would feel the need to justify myself to everyone.

Of course you don’t need to justify yourself. Stop putting everyone else before you.

The OP has tried to end it several times and each time he has relied on her being nice to try and stop her from doing it.
She's not 'stringing him along' or doesn't know what she wants. She's told him and he's refusing to accept it.
OP, you are being manipulated. If he asks why you can just say 'I just don't want to do this anymore' and repeat if necessary. He's shown he won't accept that but you'll need to stand your ground otherwise it won't end.
I'm sorry you have to put up with this. Good luck.

Just stop, op. It doesn't matter what people think. You can explain to friends that you've tried to end it before and he doesn't listen so you had to do it by text/phone if it makes you feel better. But it's ludicrous to keep shagging someone cos you're afraid of hurting their feelings or cos of other people.

You don't have to justify yourself. You might want to look into therapy as to why your boundaries are so easily overridden and ways to build & police them.

OP, why do you believe that you need the other person’s permission to end a relationship? I’m genuinely asking.

You are actively choosing to be with him currently. If that’s what you want then great. You don’t really have much standing to say you desperately want it to end when you’ve had every opportunity day after day to end it and have chosen not to. This is all in your hands.

OP this issue is your are being too nice. You don’t want to hurt his feelings at the expense of your own.

You can do this! What anyone else thinks is irrelevant.

‘We broke up because I wasn’t hapoy’ Cut people dead.

Do it today. And don’t look back.

You do not need to explain it.

Why do you need to justify it to anyone? It isn't a court of law. It is him making you unhappy. And while you are still coerced into staying in the relationship with him, not only are you cut off from finding a good relationship for you but he is also cut off from a decent relationship for him.

I would consider it reasonable to meet in a public place to break it off, with someone meeting you (rescuing you) after fifteen minutes. Write down what you need to say, and perhaps hand him a letter with your points. Then I suggest you ghost him. Ghosting isn't good, but anything else is an opportunity for him to attack.

Good luck.

It has to end now, I literally cannot do this for a single day longer.

I feel like he knows exactly what to say to make me squirm. E.g I told him we NEEDED to talk. When he came over he wouldn't let me make blanket statements/innuendos. He would ask me to clarify exactly what I meant/give examples. And he often lies (imo), I've mentioned how there's obviously an awkward tension between us and he just plays dumb and pretends things are normal/that it's just me.

I admit I haven't been perfect, I have enjoyed aspects of the relationship but I have attempted to do the right thing.

I meant justify breaking up over the phone/not in person. The consensus among my friends/social group is that it is a twatty and immature thing to do.

Well you've tried in person not much else you can do but do it by phone. Don't worry about the friends just explain you kept trying in person but he wasn't listening so you had to in the end

If you want things not to be awkward afterwards as you are likely to bump into each other, you could break up by saying "that you do like him but as a friend only and have enjoyed your time together but need to be truthful to yourself as you are not in love with him and therefore are ending the relationship."

It’s isn’t the best by text - but in this case you don’t have much choice.

You’ve tried

You have tried to break up with him in person and he’s not listening.

So now you break up with him by text. You say, this relationship is not working for me. I have told you before and you don’t listen, so I am telling you clearly once and for all, we are done and you need to leave me alone.

The block and do not engage.

If you’re fruends or acquaintances question it you tell them the truth - you tried to tell him but he would not take no for an answer so he left you no choice.

But I really think you need to stop caring so much about other people and what they think - this passivity will not serve you well in life. Who the fuck cares about what other people think? Your first responsibility is to yourself.

Oh ffs this stupid autocorrect gets on my tits! *your, obviously. Apologies for other typos.

You need to word this very clearly so there isn't room for him to coerce you or make you squirm.
It's quite simple: "I'm not happy in this relationship and it's over." If he asks why you simply reiterate the point, "I'm just not happy". It's not for him to convince you that you are happy. Your feelings are valid and it doesn't matter if he disagrees.
Then say goodbye, block on everything and walk away.
Stop caring what other people think, you may lose some mutual friends over it. Some may even think you're mean but you'll be free to go and find a relationship that is fulfilling rather than staying in one that makes you miserable just to keep everybody else happy (as will he).
Given you've broached this so many times he knows it's coming so it won't be a shock. Be direct. No wiggle room. Give everything from your perspective.
Good luck.