Ended up in relationship due to passivity

[zcsagsa]

Last year whilst studying for my masters I met a nice guy who I got on really well with. I found him incredibly easy to talk to and enjoyed his company. My university had a lot of international students so it was refreshing to meet someone who had a similar background/understood my references.

I really did not find him attractive and made sure to keep our interactions as platonic as possible. However, my friendliness was misinterpreted and he got the impression I was interested. I wouldn't describe myself as overly assertive but I'm not exactly a doormat either. I really don't know how I allowed it to happen but we ended up starting a relationship even though I knew I didn't (and still don't) like him in that way. I should note I was fairly anxious this time last year (job applications, coursework, general fear of the future etc). Don't want to use that as an excuse though.

All I know is that I need to end this relationship now as it's really affecting my mental health. I feel terrible, I should never have entered into this relationship and allowed it to go on for so long. I have attempted to break it off before but we always end up in circles as I can never bring myself to say I just don't like you like that. Anything I offer up is just rebutted. I wish I had nipped this in the bud as my stomach is constantly in knots.

I planned to be honest before Christmas but wimped out. My friends have told me to be honest but I think that just makes me want to avoid any awkwardness even more. (I am the world's biggest procrastinator/head in sand-er)

Please advise, this is awful.

Just bag up his stuff and leave it in thr hall and arrange for him to collect at a time you won't be there.

Relationships end all the time. It's normal. Just steer clear of him. And if anyone asks just say it didn't work.

I had a very similar experience OP. Years ago I was in a vulnerable place after coming out of an abusive relationship and a few months later somehow ended up dating an old friend who I hadn't seen for years. He was (and is) a lovely guy but I realised very quickly that I'd made a mistake as not only was I not ready for anything else but I didn't feel the same way about him as he did about me. I ended our relationship after three months (in a public space face-to-face). I won't lie, it was a horrible experience and I felt like shit. He was really upset and we both cried.

We met up a couple of times after that (at his request) and despite me being very clear that I could only offer friendship both times he very quickly steered conversation to how we could get back together, he even offered to fund therapy for me to help get over my last relationship so that I'd be ready. (I truly believe this was done in good faith on his part). In the end I maintained my stance of no and he decided to remove me on all social media and block me. I felt horrible for a long time afterwards but I knew it was the right thing to do as neither of us would have been truly happy. This time is hard for you now OP but stick to your guns and it will get better

This is a good opportunity to re evaluate who your real friends are.

You’ve ditched him, now ditch any non friends you aren’t so happy with.

Treat it as a new year clearout and start afresh. You’ll feel so much better.

how are you OP? its the weekend and might not be as easy to avoid him, I hope you’re doing ok and managing to find some peace of mind without him hassling you.

Thanks for checking in BumbleBeee69.

My lovely flatmate dropped his stuff off yesterday (on the doorstep in a plastic bag). He saw this from his bedroom window and, according to my flatmate, practically chased her down the street in his joggers. Apparently, he just tried playing the victim in a really embarrassing/pathetic way. He asked if he could write a letter for "closure' which my flatmate suggested was a not a good idea. Hopefully he's gettig the message now.

Glad you've got decent flatmates. Nice to have someone on your side.

Do you know OP, you are getting a hard time but this is far more common then People seem to admit!

You do need to be honest with him and explain that it just isn't what you want. Good luck

He asked if he could write a letter for "closure'

He is relentless, isn't he? That is not a good sign. No contact at all is safest in this case.

I hope if you receive a 'closure' letter, you drop it in the bin without opening it.

He can have all the 'closure' he wants, if it allows him to let go and doesn't involve you. I think you've had some sound advice about evaluating your friendships. I'd certainly do that in your position.

You've dodged a bullet here. I don't think you did anything wrong. You gave it a go because why not and he wanted it too. You then decided it wasn't for you, which is entirely okay. If you were being so 'unfair' on him then why did he continue chasing you even when he knew how you felt? That's worse as it demonstrates he really doesn't care about your boundaries. It's incredibly easy to drift into relationships despite certain misgivings so hardly worth beating yourself up about.

If you reverse the gender roles here, how many men have done this sort of thing? And then decided that after they had had sex that perhaps it wasn't quite what they wanted?

It's normal but his response to your wanting to finish was not normal and reeks of coercion.

Well done that flatmate, at least they are on the same page now. Glad you got shot of his personals from your place too.

Sounds to me like your mutual friends have a vested interest in you staying together. In which case ignore them. You don't want to be in the relationship. There is no other reason or justification you need to give. And frankly if he doesn't leave you alone and take no for an answer he needs to be threatened with police. He can't bulldoze or bully you anymore.

Wow, that's terrible - not only is he playing the victim to your mutual friends, he's trying to get your flatmates feeling sorry for him too! I'm sure he'll manage to recruit at least one flying monkey from your friendship group, so be on the lookout.

Oh god a closure letter. I'm cringing for him.😳

A closure letter lol. He needs to realise that if you split up with someone you owe them nothing except their belongings back. You can go complete no contact and never communicate with them again, it's not your job to explain things or listen to what they have to say. Pretend he no longer exists.

I bet it comes through the post anyway!

God, I am so relieved you managed to finish with him - stay strong!

Don't feel you have to read it op - I had a cling-on partner who refused to believe it was over and bombarded me with letters. At the end I'd tear them open, glance very briefly, then put straight in the bin. Even that was too much, I should have cut out the middleman!

Alternatively if you'd like to read it to us (so to speak) so we can rip it to logical shreds and confirm that you did the right thing, that is fine too (and indeed welcome) do what's best for you though.