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Original poster

Ended up in relationship due to passivity

143 replies

zcsagsa · 03/01/2019 01:23

Last year whilst studying for my masters I met a nice guy who I got on really well with. I found him incredibly easy to talk to and enjoyed his company. My university had a lot of international students so it was refreshing to meet someone who had a similar background/understood my references.

I really did not find him attractive and made sure to keep our interactions as platonic as possible. However, my friendliness was misinterpreted and he got the impression I was interested. I wouldn't describe myself as overly assertive but I'm not exactly a doormat either. I really don't know how I allowed it to happen but we ended up starting a relationship even though I knew I didn't (and still don't) like him in that way. I should note I was fairly anxious this time last year (job applications, coursework, general fear of the future etc). Don't want to use that as an excuse though.

All I know is that I need to end this relationship now as it's really affecting my mental health. I feel terrible, I should never have entered into this relationship and allowed it to go on for so long. I have attempted to break it off before but we always end up in circles as I can never bring myself to say I just don't like you like that. Anything I offer up is just rebutted. I wish I had nipped this in the bud as my stomach is constantly in knots.

I planned to be honest before Christmas but wimped out. My friends have told me to be honest but I think that just makes me want to avoid any awkwardness even more. (I am the world's biggest procrastinator/head in sand-er)

Please advise, this is awful.

OP posts:
category12 · 03/01/2019 10:45

People do say stuff like that about anything other than breaking up face to face, but ultimately, it doesn't bloody matter what they think. Explain it, laugh it off, ignore it, it's absolutely none of their business. And what difference is it really going to make - if you disagree with something a friend does, is it the end of the world? We're all adults and make our own decisions about how to handle things.

What's really twatty is to bulldoze someone verbally into staying in a situation they don't want.

If you feel you must do it face to face, arrange to meet in a public place, say your piece, broken record him "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I don't want this relationship anymore" "I don't want to make it work" "we're done, I wish you well, but we're through" and after a set amount of time, leave.

BornInAThunderstorm · 03/01/2019 10:46

Well if you are doing it in person I would suggest a neutral public place like a cafe. It’ll be easier to walk away and less likely to turn into an argument.
As pp said don’t try to explain or justify your decision as you’ll end up getting nowhere, just stick to stating that it isn’t working for you and you dont want to continue the relationship

Madmozzie · 03/01/2019 10:48

Bit confused as to how the relationship continues to proceed if you have already told him you want to end it. He can't make you spend time with him, or go out with him, or interact physically with him, so how exactly is it still continuing?

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2019 10:54

To be honest op, it's odd. I mean are you having sex with this man and you don't even fancy him? It's all a bit yuk.

Just tell him. And walk away, you're allowed to end relationships.

eggncress · 03/01/2019 11:13

Text him or phone him to end it then block him.

Tell your friends you’ve tried face to face but he wouldn’t listen.

Your feelings come first.

It doesn’t matter what other people think. They’re not in your position.

Do what’s right for YOU.

lucky88 · 03/01/2019 11:16

This isn't one sided, don't know why you got so much stick on this threat. Sounds to me like he's manipulating you.. as much as you've 'stung him along'.
Don't worry about what's happened. Don't feel guilty. Just end it.
Firmly tell him you no longer want to be in the relationship and then leave straight away, no time to discuss it. Change your number if you have to / come off social media for a while. But give yourself at least a few weeks or months before speaking to him in any kind of capacity, even if you have mutual friends.
You will feel much better once you have said it and cut him off.

FrankieChips · 03/01/2019 11:25

It’s happened to me before and I still don’t know how. I liked him but was not interested in him in that way. It went on for 7 months and even after ending it (finally) he kept wanting to meet up as he could’t get any closure. I just had to ignore him in the end as it was draining me and I felt so guilty which is rediculous!

In your case I think a text is the way to go now. You’ve tried face to face and he’s manipulated you and convinced you not to end it. Text then turn your face off for a few hours. Try not to feel bad (you sound like a very empathetic person). Good luck!

FrankieChips · 03/01/2019 11:26

Lol, turn your phone off not face.

MorrisZapp · 03/01/2019 11:30

This used to happen to me all the time in my younger day, and I'm a gobshite A type personality.

I think women often do this in relationships, I guess men do too. I once spent six months trying to finish with someone. It didn't work because I wasn't actually finishing with him, I was carrying on the relationship because I didn't want to be mean.

Stupid really, it's actually mean to string people along but tell that to young me.

What they all said - you have to actually end it, and actually mean it. That is all. There's no other way.

RhubarbTea · 03/01/2019 11:37

Just tell him, love.

The problem you have is that you think he's nice and he bloody ISN'T. Nice men do not make you justify your decision to break up with them bu giving examples, being super rational. They accept it, maybe they are sad but they don't force you to prove why, like some kind of heavy handed lawyer.

Stop thinking about everyone elses feelings and think about yours! What was your childhood like and your mums relationship with your dad?

FetchezLaVache · 03/01/2019 11:49

Does your friendship group have a codified acceptable response for this situation, in which this man is simply refusing to listen to you when you try to end it? Of course not, because they assume that everyone is as nice and decent as they (and you) are.

I think in your situation, you should listen to the advice about being a broken record. If you feel you must do it face-to-face, plan out what you want to say and just keep repeating it. E.g.:

"Look Derek, I just feel we drifted into this relationship from our friendship and whilst it's been lovely, you're not the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and I respect you too much to continue treading water with you."

greendale17 · 03/01/2019 11:51

The guy deserves an explanation.

Just telling him it’s over and blocking him is cruel. You owe him for straining him along and playing with his emoticons.

category12 · 03/01/2019 11:58

OP has already tried that unsuccessfully, Greendale. Thinking she owes more to other people than herself of her time and energy is what's got her in this mess.

Original poster
zcsagsa · 03/01/2019 11:59

I can see why a previous poster thinks it's a bit yuck. But he's not unattractive (less good looking version of Stuart Broad) I just don't see him in that way and I think I tried to begin with because he's pretty decent (minus the bulldozing.manipulating when breaking up). My ex was probably less handsome but we just had that spark/magnetism which is something I would really like to experience again at some point.

A text does seem to be my last resort, I just don't fancy him turning up to my flat and putting on the pathetic puppy act (his modus operandi). I've got a lot of stuff on my plate re work.

It's all just got away from me Sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
zcsagsa · 03/01/2019 12:01

FetchezLaVache

I was thinking of texting something very similar.

OP posts:
ResistanceIsNecessary · 03/01/2019 12:02

If you've previously tried to tell him it's over and he won't listen, then do it by email.

What your social group thinks about this is irrelevant - they aren't the ones in this situation.

Send him a short factual email telling him that you no longer want to be in a relationship with him and that you've previously tried to tell him this. Wish him the best for the future and explain that you will not be contacting him again and that you don't wish to hear from him. Then block him so that he cannot respond.

eggncress · 03/01/2019 12:04

If he turns up at your flat just ignore him. Don’t answer the door.

If he stalks you call the police.

category12 · 03/01/2019 12:05

Stop putting obstacles in your own way and do the thing. It's a new year, new you.

Invest some energy into addressing your OTT people-pleasing, this year too.

Original poster
zcsagsa · 03/01/2019 12:14

Text sent. Feels like a huge weight off. It feels like I can breathe,

Have switched my phone off for now and will head out of the house asap, I'm going to ask my flatmates to tell him I have nothing to say to him if he comes over.

OP posts:
SavageBeauty73 · 03/01/2019 12:14

This is so weird.

Just text him it's over.

I actually think you need some therapy. I don't think I've ever heard of anyone passively falling into a relationship and unable to end it.

SavageBeauty73 · 03/01/2019 12:15

Cross post. Good luck. No need to engage with him again.

eggncress · 03/01/2019 12:18

Well done OP ... job done Smile

Original poster
zcsagsa · 03/01/2019 12:19

Thanks for the input everyone. I really needed some outside perspective.

OP posts:
VietnameseCrispyFish · 03/01/2019 12:19

Well done OP. Not on ending it via text when you’ve messed him around for ages, but if that’s what it takes to extricate yourself and for you both to be free of a relationship that is wrong for both of you, I guess it’s the lesser of evils.

Just, make sure you’ve had a think about how you’re gonna act and what you’re gonna say and what decisions you plan to make if he comes back around. Trying to persuade you not to end things has worked for him before so he will probably try again. And you have always agreed to get back with him before. So what are you gonna do differently this time now?

category12 · 03/01/2019 12:19

Well done OP. Good idea to go out.

Stay firm.