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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ended up in relationship due to passivity

143 replies

zcsagsa · 03/01/2019 01:23

Last year whilst studying for my masters I met a nice guy who I got on really well with. I found him incredibly easy to talk to and enjoyed his company. My university had a lot of international students so it was refreshing to meet someone who had a similar background/understood my references.

I really did not find him attractive and made sure to keep our interactions as platonic as possible. However, my friendliness was misinterpreted and he got the impression I was interested. I wouldn't describe myself as overly assertive but I'm not exactly a doormat either. I really don't know how I allowed it to happen but we ended up starting a relationship even though I knew I didn't (and still don't) like him in that way. I should note I was fairly anxious this time last year (job applications, coursework, general fear of the future etc). Don't want to use that as an excuse though.

All I know is that I need to end this relationship now as it's really affecting my mental health. I feel terrible, I should never have entered into this relationship and allowed it to go on for so long. I have attempted to break it off before but we always end up in circles as I can never bring myself to say I just don't like you like that. Anything I offer up is just rebutted. I wish I had nipped this in the bud as my stomach is constantly in knots.

I planned to be honest before Christmas but wimped out. My friends have told me to be honest but I think that just makes me want to avoid any awkwardness even more. (I am the world's biggest procrastinator/head in sand-er)

Please advise, this is awful.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 03/01/2019 12:19

I'm glad you sent the text.

But in the coming hours and days you just need to keep repeating to yourself

"I am not on trial, he is not a prosecuting attorney, I am not on the stand, THIS IS NOT A COURT OF LAW!"

If you don't want to be in a relationship, literally you only have to say "Thank U, Next" and walk away. Remember that.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 03/01/2019 12:21

Red flags all over this guy. Op you did well to end it x

nails2018 · 03/01/2019 12:30

Also, the Captain Awkward blog has loads of advice about breaking up and setting boundaries which may help. captainawkward.com. Good luck.

VietnameseCrispyFish · 03/01/2019 12:33

Captain Awkward is brilliant for learning how to set boundaries! Good recommendation.

Itwasatuesday · 03/01/2019 12:42

I did this at uni too OP. 3 years. It was weird and hard to explain to others. When we did split up he came out as gay so I think that was my role in his life and it taught me to be more assertive in future!

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 03/01/2019 12:49

Well done OP. Hope you have blocked him now. Stay strong! I had an ex too who wouldn’t accept the breakup and said it wasn’t over unless he agreed. Tough titty! It only needs one person to walk away and it’s over.

You are allowed to do things that other people might not approve of, you know. Wink Never mind what he or friends or people on here might say.

FrankieChips · 03/01/2019 12:50

Well done OP! Happy New Year! Great way to start the new year with a load of your mind too.

nails2018 · 03/01/2019 13:04

Vietnamese yes, I love C Awkward.

BumbleBeee69 · 03/01/2019 13:23

Just Block the bullying cretin.

llangennith · 03/01/2019 13:55

He's elevated passive aggressiveness to a whole new level. Don't respond to anything. Don't engage. Tell flatmates to tell him you're out and absolutely not to let him in.

PurpleTrilby · 03/01/2019 14:24

Well done OP, lesson learned no doubt. One thing that stood out was you said he used puppy dog eyes. I’ve seen men do this and I don’t trust it one little bit, it means they want something and it often works on people who are too nice. Doesn’t work on me at all now, well it only did once and that was a mate who wanted a favour, not sex or my time.

EvenLess · 03/01/2019 16:15

Well done OP. Don't engage. Tell close friends why you did it this way if it makes you feel better, but actually it's no-one else's business anyway. Happy 2019!

BrendasUmbrella · 03/01/2019 16:38

Women end up in this situation a lot. I did. I don't know why people are acting like this is an anomaly?

Women are socialized to be nice and consider everyone else's feelings first, and men are socialized to push for what they want and taught that female reluctance is something to be conquered not respected.

I have been in a relationship like the one the OP describes, and I wasn't the bitch. He was a bastard who knew I wasn't comfortable but wanted me anyway. It was only when I was finally breaking away that he accused me of never loving him. He didn't care about that when things were how he wanted them.

Anyway, I hope things are drama free from now on OP and you can move on.

Honeyroar · 03/01/2019 16:46

Well done. If anyone criticises you for ending it by text, tell them you've tried many times face to face, and he ignored you...

HalloumiGus · 03/01/2019 17:06

Well done OP. I once had similar to MorrisZapp upthread - took me months to get out of a relationship and yes like you Morris I am a type A assertive gobshite in most things!

He was also a passive aggressive, puppy eyes martyr type and I was a bit depressed at the time. Thank God I got out eventually - did some fairly hardcore self-discovery / therapeutic work and met DH a year later.

BarbarianMum · 03/01/2019 17:11

Good for you. Whilst you should not perhaps have started the relationship, his refusal to let you end it makes me think he is controlling and not very nice at all. Either that or he's spectacularly obtuse.

MrsTerryPratcett · 03/01/2019 17:20

The guy deserves an explanation.

Brutally, no he doesn't. No one does. It's obviously nicer and more pleasant to let people down gently and try to soften the blow BUT access to my vagina is not a debating point. Access to my emotions and my life is not a project. I have absolute and total control over that. In every case. And what that means is that, "I don't want to" is more than enough.

Women need to be taught that "I don't want to" is an absolute, and men need to be taught that although their emotions are important and precious, they pale into insignificance next to consent.

QueenieIsLost · 03/01/2019 17:23

Excellent.
If he complains to mutual friends to have been dumped by text, just explain that actually you HAVE been telling face to face for a while but he refused to listen so had no other choice.
I mean how can someone who is told I do not want to be in a relationship with you carry on playing dumb and manipulate people to donwhat they want? 😖😖

Original poster
zcsagsa · 03/01/2019 18:12

Thanks, everyone.

I saw a notification pop up on my laptop that he sent an email to my work account but I haven't read it. Still in a good place mentally and don't want to stir up any anxiety.

I also forgot today was his first day back at work so he's probably on the train now. Might go over to a friend's just incase he swings by on the way home. Do feel a bit guilty having to potentially involve my flatmates but they're pretty cool.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 03/01/2019 18:32

If you can duck him for a couple of days that would be a very good thing, given that he's not predisposed to taking "no" for an answer. I'd suggest you dont meet up to "talk things through" either.

category12 · 03/01/2019 18:33

No reason you can't just delete or junk his email without reading it, either.

RhubarbTea · 03/01/2019 18:38

Well done OP, now stay strong and send a consistent message by NOT ENGAGING WITH HIM AT ALL. You got this.

Zwischenwasser · 03/01/2019 18:46

Well done OP. I once had similar to MorrisZapp upthread - took me months to get out of a relationship and yes like you Morris I am a type A assertive gobshite in most things!

Yup, me too. I ended up emigrating to Australia to get away from the fucker. (Not drastic at all)

TotesEmoshTerri · 03/01/2019 19:07

Some of the responses you got at first are horrible. You didn't outright say no to him but that's not how consent works and he shouldn't have persisted with what was clearly a lacklustre response from you Flowers hope you get it sorted out soon

Honeyroar · 03/01/2019 20:25

Hope you're ok and not getting any grief from him.