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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ended up in relationship due to passivity

143 replies

zcsagsa · 03/01/2019 01:23

Last year whilst studying for my masters I met a nice guy who I got on really well with. I found him incredibly easy to talk to and enjoyed his company. My university had a lot of international students so it was refreshing to meet someone who had a similar background/understood my references.

I really did not find him attractive and made sure to keep our interactions as platonic as possible. However, my friendliness was misinterpreted and he got the impression I was interested. I wouldn't describe myself as overly assertive but I'm not exactly a doormat either. I really don't know how I allowed it to happen but we ended up starting a relationship even though I knew I didn't (and still don't) like him in that way. I should note I was fairly anxious this time last year (job applications, coursework, general fear of the future etc). Don't want to use that as an excuse though.

All I know is that I need to end this relationship now as it's really affecting my mental health. I feel terrible, I should never have entered into this relationship and allowed it to go on for so long. I have attempted to break it off before but we always end up in circles as I can never bring myself to say I just don't like you like that. Anything I offer up is just rebutted. I wish I had nipped this in the bud as my stomach is constantly in knots.

I planned to be honest before Christmas but wimped out. My friends have told me to be honest but I think that just makes me want to avoid any awkwardness even more. (I am the world's biggest procrastinator/head in sand-er)

Please advise, this is awful.

OP posts:
ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 03/01/2019 23:01

Op, well done on taking a stand.

Surely all your friends must think he's a bit of a psycho as you've been telling them of your dilemma for ages but he's clearly still there and ignoring your words?

Original poster
zcsagsa · 04/01/2019 00:09

Unsurprisingly, he did come over whilst I was out. Apparently, I'm being "shady" (said to flatmate). I just wish I could fast forward the next week, the ducking and diving thing is stressful.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratcett · 04/01/2019 00:28

Well if you're shady (is he 12?) then he won't want to see you again, will he.

He's a Klingon. Well rid.

eggncress · 04/01/2019 01:14

What does it matter what he thinks? You’re free of him whether he likes it or not. End of !

BumbleBeee69 · 04/01/2019 03:33

he CREEPS me out and I don’t even know the cretin. Tell him to GTF you owe him nothing, its bloody over the end. Do not get into a debate about why, remember OP NO is a complete sentence, just keep telling him NO discussin, christ he really thinks he owns you right ? hit 101 on your phone if he persists in stalking you.

FetchezLaVache · 04/01/2019 08:35

If by 'shady', he means 'I refused to listen every time she tried to end the relationship to my face, thus forcing her to do it by text', then yeah, you're shady, OP. Own the shadows!!

Have you read his email yet?

Bluntness100 · 04/01/2019 09:26

Shady because you dumped him?

What kind of creep thinks you can bull doze someone into going out with you?

TheStoic · 04/01/2019 09:29

What kind of creep thinks you can bull doze someone into going out with you?

Well, this guy. And he was right.

By ‘relationship’, presumably you had sex with him OP? Even though you didn’t want to?

Bluntness100 · 04/01/2019 09:53

Yes, I guess he was right, you can force someone to go out with you.

Hopefully the op stands firm and gets this creep off her back.

Honeyroar · 04/01/2019 12:28

Stay firm. If anyone is shady it's him refusing to accept no for an answer. Keep a record of everything.

carlecomedian · 04/01/2019 12:38

I'd be happy to be called shady if it means I am also as free as a bird!

Bluntness100 · 04/01/2019 12:45

Agree, what he meant to say was "I'm being shady" but didn't want to admit it so accused you instead.

MrsTerryPratcett · 04/01/2019 15:23

you're shady, OP. Own the shadows!!

Get a t-shirt printed with this!

Honeyroar · 04/01/2019 19:28

Just tell him you're happy being shady as long as you're not going out with him.

DoctorManhattan · 04/01/2019 20:28

One the dust has settled here I suggest you work strongly on your assertiveness. It boggles my mind that someone can somehow accidentally wander into a relationship they never wanted to be part of in the first place. There are people out there (in both a personal and professional capacity) who would be much more manipulative and domineering than your partner sounds and I dread to think what would happen if you encounter them.

Should your partner end up talking to you in person again, I suggest you focus your mind strongly on one thing : “I am breaking up with him”. Lock onto that like it’s a target and do not let go of it, no matter what he says or how clever his tactics are. If he forces you into a corner verbally, don’t try and engage - simply repeat (over and over if you must) that all this conversation is irrelevant because you do not want to be in a relationship with him any longer, and that’s the only thing that matters.

Original poster
zcsagsa · 05/01/2019 00:54

I know it sounds like I am missing a massive backbone but in most areas of my life (work etc), I'm not this unassertive. I was just in a bad place when things got out of hand.

I did read the email, but it was just the same old same old. He has asked for his things, apparently he reckons his id is here somewhere (not that I can see).

Have got a couple of texts from friends which have made me feel a bit shit. To be expected I guess. Still better than being stuck like I was before.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratcett · 05/01/2019 01:09

What are the friends saying?

GreenTulips · 05/01/2019 01:15

Text them back

I wasn’t happy - we both need to move on

Original poster
zcsagsa · 05/01/2019 01:32

One friend (also the gf of one of his friend's) said I was being "a bit dramatic". (yesterday I did threaten calling the police). He STILL came over despite this. I was perhaps snippy with her as I felt she was trying to play the mediator and was inserting herself into everything.

Hurtful as she knows more details than most, would've thought she'd have my back.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 05/01/2019 01:38

Some people live for the drama and need to find the gossip first hand

Don’t feed her the details - she’s in it for herself and glory hunting

Stick to the script - I wasn’t happy

SleepingStandingUp · 05/01/2019 01:44

Thing is he isn't such a nice guy. He basically coaxed you into a relationship, sex and all the rest I between when you didn't want it. You really have to Lear. To be more assertive.

MrsTerryPratcett · 05/01/2019 02:16

He came over AFTER you'd said you'd call the police? Not dramatic at all.

BumbleBeee69 · 05/01/2019 02:33

i hope your ok OP and staying strong, don’t let him bully you into staying with him, its disgusting the way he has coerced you.

Butterfly44 · 05/01/2019 06:26

He sounds very controlling. You have done well to get away. Now just stuck with it and forget what people think. They aren't you.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 05/01/2019 07:42

Respond to interfering text messages: Thanks for your concern, but I am sure you understand this is a private matter between me and Ex.

I would also have a think about whether these friends are really friends. Perhaps it's an opportunity to evaluate some of these people and decide if they are truly friends of yours, or just there for the drama?