I’ve NC’d for this but I’m a longstanding poster. I don’t know if I’m BU or what to do next. Apologies if this gets long but I don’t want to be accused of drip feeding.
Background: DH & I married 10 years, 1 DD. We married when I found out I was pregnant. I’d have liked more DCs, DH didn’t so DD is an only. DH has an ex who is his “one who got away”. They were together through university and broke up through circumstances rather than any issues or mismatch. I struggled with this at first, eg DH kept all the cards, notes etc she’d sent him and was reluctant to get rid. We had a real wobble a couple of years in when she contacted him to tell him she was getting married and he didn’t deal with it very well. But we got through it and he’s been a good husband and father since.
About a year ago I noticed her name pop up as having replied to one or two of his FB statuses. I didn’t say anything but I sent her a friend request myself, which I admit was a bit weird as I don’t actually know her. Nevertheless she accepted so I had a snoop round her profile, as you do. A few things made me a bit uneasy, first she’s really pretty, good figure etc, second her relationship status said “single” and also although she hadn’t posted that much my DH had commented or liked or put a heart reaction on literally everything she’d posted, going back weeks and weeks. Again I didn’t say anything but the next time I saw she’d commented I asked “is that Such-and-Such?” and when he said yes I asked casually if she was still married. He said no, they’d split up quite recently.
A month or so before Christmas a mutual friend of theirs from university posted some old photos from that time and tagged my DH and this woman in them. Even though it was from years ago, it really hurt me to see photos of them together with their arms round each other etc. One of the photos they weren’t the subject but off to one side, kind of in the background they were kissing really passionately. On this photo my DH had commented “I remember that night ‘wink’” and she’d replied “I do too ‘wink’” then he said “BBJE still” and she’d responded with “naughty...but thank you” and a blowing kiss emoji. I asked him what “BBJE” meant and he brushed it off as an old university in joke, when I pushed to know what it stood for he got irritated and said it was ancient history and to drop it.
Just before Christmas he left his iPad lying around and I’m embarrassed to say I went snooping. I found dozens and dozens and dozens of messages between them, going back all year. There was nothing to suggest an affair, most of them were just chit-chat about their day, but there were quite a few compliments from my DH to her, eg he asked her where certain holiday photos had been taken and when she said which ones, he’d said “where you’re in the gorgeous red bikini”. (of course I went looking and the photos were from yonks ago, it took me ages to find them so how long had he spent going through her photos? And she hasn’t had kids so of course there’s no stretch marks or c-scar or pouch, she’s all long tanned legs and toned belly and perky boobs, there’s no way I can compare). Their recent messages talk about her moving to a city not exactly on the doorstep but where DH has to go minimum of once a month for work. One of his last messages says to let him know when she's found her place and they can meet up and he'll show her round, and she replied with "I'd like that."
I chewed over this for a few days, could hardly think about anything else but between Christmas and NY I finally asked him about the messages and he said she's been down and lonely since splitting with her DH and he's just been trying to build her confidence back up. I said I wasn't happy about them meeting up, he said it probably wouldn't happen anyway but even if it did it was just a friend helping another friend. He was annoyed that I'd snooped on his iPad which I understand and we had an argument about trust, he said I've always been jealous of her for no real reason as he's always been faithful to me. It's true that I've always had a bit of a jealousy problem where she's concerned so there is some truth in what he says.
We had friends round on NYE and shortly after midnight I put our DD to bed while he stayed downstairs with our guests. I tried to have another look on the iPad but he's changed the passcode but there was an unread message from her on the lock screen sent just after midnight, wishing him happy new year and calling him "her rock" and saying she's looking forward to the "next chapter". I haven't said anything to him because I'm embarrassed to admit I was trying to snoop on his iPad again, but I don;t know what to think, what's normal, if I'm BU or he is or what the hell's going on. I want to believe they're just friends but my gut is constantly churning just thinking about them messaging each other and DH looking at photos of her looking gorgeous and sexy in a tiny bikini.