Messages between DH and ex - don't know what to think

[Worriedandveryconfused]

I’ve NC’d for this but I’m a longstanding poster. I don’t know if I’m BU or what to do next. Apologies if this gets long but I don’t want to be accused of drip feeding.

Background: DH & I married 10 years, 1 DD. We married when I found out I was pregnant. I’d have liked more DCs, DH didn’t so DD is an only. DH has an ex who is his “one who got away”. They were together through university and broke up through circumstances rather than any issues or mismatch. I struggled with this at first, eg DH kept all the cards, notes etc she’d sent him and was reluctant to get rid. We had a real wobble a couple of years in when she contacted him to tell him she was getting married and he didn’t deal with it very well. But we got through it and he’s been a good husband and father since.

About a year ago I noticed her name pop up as having replied to one or two of his FB statuses. I didn’t say anything but I sent her a friend request myself, which I admit was a bit weird as I don’t actually know her. Nevertheless she accepted so I had a snoop round her profile, as you do. A few things made me a bit uneasy, first she’s really pretty, good figure etc, second her relationship status said “single” and also although she hadn’t posted that much my DH had commented or liked or put a heart reaction on literally everything she’d posted, going back weeks and weeks. Again I didn’t say anything but the next time I saw she’d commented I asked “is that Such-and-Such?” and when he said yes I asked casually if she was still married. He said no, they’d split up quite recently.

A month or so before Christmas a mutual friend of theirs from university posted some old photos from that time and tagged my DH and this woman in them. Even though it was from years ago, it really hurt me to see photos of them together with their arms round each other etc. One of the photos they weren’t the subject but off to one side, kind of in the background they were kissing really passionately. On this photo my DH had commented “I remember that night ‘wink’” and she’d replied “I do too ‘wink’” then he said “BBJE still” and she’d responded with “naughty...but thank you” and a blowing kiss emoji. I asked him what “BBJE” meant and he brushed it off as an old university in joke, when I pushed to know what it stood for he got irritated and said it was ancient history and to drop it.

Just before Christmas he left his iPad lying around and I’m embarrassed to say I went snooping. I found dozens and dozens and dozens of messages between them, going back all year. There was nothing to suggest an affair, most of them were just chit-chat about their day, but there were quite a few compliments from my DH to her, eg he asked her where certain holiday photos had been taken and when she said which ones, he’d said “where you’re in the gorgeous red bikini”. (of course I went looking and the photos were from yonks ago, it took me ages to find them so how long had he spent going through her photos? And she hasn’t had kids so of course there’s no stretch marks or c-scar or pouch, she’s all long tanned legs and toned belly and perky boobs, there’s no way I can compare). Their recent messages talk about her moving to a city not exactly on the doorstep but where DH has to go minimum of once a month for work. One of his last messages says to let him know when she's found her place and they can meet up and he'll show her round, and she replied with "I'd like that."

I chewed over this for a few days, could hardly think about anything else but between Christmas and NY I finally asked him about the messages and he said she's been down and lonely since splitting with her DH and he's just been trying to build her confidence back up. I said I wasn't happy about them meeting up, he said it probably wouldn't happen anyway but even if it did it was just a friend helping another friend. He was annoyed that I'd snooped on his iPad which I understand and we had an argument about trust, he said I've always been jealous of her for no real reason as he's always been faithful to me. It's true that I've always had a bit of a jealousy problem where she's concerned so there is some truth in what he says.

We had friends round on NYE and shortly after midnight I put our DD to bed while he stayed downstairs with our guests. I tried to have another look on the iPad but he's changed the passcode but there was an unread message from her on the lock screen sent just after midnight, wishing him happy new year and calling him "her rock" and saying she's looking forward to the "next chapter". I haven't said anything to him because I'm embarrassed to admit I was trying to snoop on his iPad again, but I don;t know what to think, what's normal, if I'm BU or he is or what the hell's going on. I want to believe they're just friends but my gut is constantly churning just thinking about them messaging each other and DH looking at photos of her looking gorgeous and sexy in a tiny bikini.

Op, just wanted to say something about this woman wanting children
Mark my words, if your dh and this woman embark on a relationship, he would be willing to have another child

Jesus, now he's going to have kids with her???

I hope this is deleted. It's one of the worst pile ons I've seen on here.😔

Hmm. So you say you probably wouldn't have got married if you hadn't been pregnant. Fair enough I suppose.
But he has clearly not completely gotten over is ex otherwise he wouldn't be referencing epic blow jobs and bikini pictures.
I mean this with no disrespect at all to you OP but do you think he finds the fact that's she's obviously attractive, now single and successful in her career a complete turn on?
Maybe he loves you but you're 'just the mother of his child'. He didn't want another with you. He just sees you as the homemaker? I don't know.

@bluntness

Absolutely! Think you've hit the nail on the head about some of the posters. excellent and helpful post

@bluntness

apologies, id originally meant you post on the previous page. Just seen your post @14.33 and again completely agree. Posters are now preying on her own desire to have more kids and implying he'll have them elsewhere. So upsetting for OP to read!

@worried- please remember your marriage and how good its been for a long long time. People are pouncing on your insecurities, and I genuinely hope you are ok.

There has been some useful posts, so I do hope you take what you need from them. Make 2019 your year and I wish you every happiness for the future for you all xx

Yes, I've read your posts, Baileys, and you're minimising. It is inappropriate contact: the BBJE comment, her telling him he's "her rock", the constant flow of messaging, all the while he is perfectly aware of how insecure OP feels about this woman.

@baileys6904 Thanks, yes, good place now, and glad to hear you are too.

Just on the BBJE thing, I think stating that it's an "old university in joke" was a lie. We (most likely) didn't go to that university, yet we mostly all know what it means. I'd have taken that as a lie. Or a with-holding of truth at the very least (which in my view and experience) is just as bad.

Agree, this has gone too far. I honestly can't believe the things people are writing. That he will leave her, that he will have children with this woman, that he sees her as nothing more than a home maker. That it's only her he doesn't want babies with,

Have people no shame? This is attacking the op in the guise of pretending concern.

Op, take a step back. I've asked mumsnet to have a look at this. As said, I'd urge you to hide it or ask for deletion. It's not in thr spirit of the site and people are intentionally trying to hurt you.

@hairbnb (firstly thank you. I suppose we are both stronger than we originally believed :))

And yes fully get what you mean- I think Bluntness expressed far better than me what I was trying to say:-

Yes the bj joke was not acceptable, if indeed that's what it was, and I suspect it was, but I'm guessing it was an in joke between them at the time. It's highly likely there is an alternate explanation ..for example it could have been a joke between them because it was anything but ie they were both drunk, she puked, whatever, And they then referred to it as the best ever as a joke. No one on here knows.

yes it could have been meant inappropriately. Equally, it could have been referring to a private joke or whatever. Definitely inappropriate. Just maybe not enough to break up a relationship over

OP what he is doing is not at all ok and the issue is HIM not you. When he married you, he should have firmly put her behind him and that's that. Keeping mementos etc when he's clearly not over her, so very wrong.

I will give you another perspective, I was this lady. The 'one that got away' for my ex-partner when we were in our early 20's. After we split up, for practical reasons not problematic ones, he stayed in touch with me and so did I. His communication always carried an understand whereas mine was simply chatty and friendly. As time went on he started to talk more about his home life and painted a picture of a rather unhappy marriage.
Whenever he would suggest meeting up, I would always include our respective partners in the meeting at which point he'd drop the topic.
He used to follow me on social media (he is now the reason I am no longer on it) and he would tell me how his marriage was a convenient one and he married his wife because she was in the right place at the right time.

For a while I believed him regarding his wife and how she was apparently this not very nice person and he was only with her for the childre.
It was when he started to talk about her appearance, the fact that she was a SAHM and he viewed her as lazy that I made my final decision.

I got in touch with her. Arranged a meeting and then told her everything. It transpired that none of what he had told me was true. She was a devoted wife and mum and had given up her career to stay at home with their 3 children while he earned. It was a decision pushed by him.
She was so very devastated and shocked because she had no idea.
Do you know what she did? She left him. Made him move out of the family home and then started working on making herself happy.
Fast forward and they are divorced. She now has her own hair salon and I'm her no.1 client. We have become reslly good friends. My point is you can make changes and I am not saying your husband is like my ex but remember, you may not be fully aware of what he is telling this other person.

*Carried an undertone

Agree @Baileys6904, there could be an explanation. But definitely needs a conversation with DH, and go from there.

I wonder how many LTB advocates on here have actually ended their marriage. It's an incredibly difficult thing to do, especially when you're in shock and have DCs and don't want it to end actually. It's so easy to say isn't it, when it's to someone else, about their marriage

OP you are NOT stupid. Disregard any such comments. You are dealing with a very tough situation. Be kind to yourself.

Whatever you decide do it because it's your plan, not one that has been foisted upon you by strangers on the internet, my post included.

Hi There Worriedandveryconfused,

We're so sorry to hear what a tough time you're having.

Thanks to everyone who's posted supportive advice to the OP but can we ask that everyone posts with kindness.

Bluntness100

By far the most sensible advice yet

Bluntness , the Op said that her dh doesn’t want anymore children and is perhaps ‘comforting’ herself with this fact

I don’t want the Op to find herself in a position where she is blindsided by her dh’s actions
It is obvious that her dh has feelings for this lady, this fact doesn’t seem to be in dispute.
Therefore, it is possible that he may be willing to have children with her if he was to embark on a relationship with her
In MY opinion, he does want a relationship with this woman and therefore the OP has to be prepared for all eventualities

Therefore, it is possible that he may be willing to have children with her if he was to embark on a relationship with her

I agree it's highly likely.

Many people who say they don't want to get married or have children mean it with the person they are with. So many change their opinions when they get together with the right person. (and yes, there will be a pp saying they really mean it, there are always exceptions)

There's a lot of minimising going on here.

Therefore, it is possible that he may be willing to have children with her if he was to embark on a relationship with her

The man isn't even cheating yet, never mind you doing her the "kindness" of warning her that he will leave for another woman, and "mark your words" have children with her.

I think she can live without your type of kindness.

@areyoubeingserviced

You have taken from husband commenting on a pic with a inappropriate comment, and gone to him leaving and having a child with another woman- a child that the OP has said she has always wanted.

They haven't even exchanged even slightly dubious private messages. Theres no talk about text messages or phone calls. Just very public facebook comments- in one way good as it shows theyre not hiding anything, but ultimately embaressing and disrespectful to OP.

Also, these comments including the dickhead one, has been made with OP being friends with OW and having full visibility of them. Not secret squirrels at all.

I do think people are jumping way ahead of themselves for something that can still be completely innocuous

I genuinely don't understand how him going back through months to look at photos, talking about gorgeous bikinis and referencing "still" BBJE (not an in-joke, don't be naïve) meaning still the best x years later can be labelled "not inappropriate".

YANBU.

Your H is really trying his hardest to chase her isn't he? He's putting in far more work than she is. He wants this more than she does

As for what he wrote on FB - her FB friends will have read his sleazy reminder that she sucked his cock. Cringe factor 100%

He's a fool, hanging onto the past like that. That was then this is now, who's to say they would work out anyway.

But since he has grass is greener syndrome, in your shoes I'd quietly find out what my rights are, should marriage end. I'd be screenshotting/photographing those messages, and important documents too.

Please don't think being a SAHM/main childcarer means you're not entitled to anything. You are.

& you are his wife. Should he try to piss off into the sunset to love's old dream, the reminder that he has a wife and it's not all about him and his wants and wishes, should bring him back down to earth at least partly.

Sorry you're going through this, you are being more than reasonable considering how cheeky he is being. He gave you cause to snoop.
Forewarned is forearmed, at least

He wouldn't have told the OP he was meeting her when he was close for work, either.

My type of ‘kindness’ is blunt, excuse the pun.
I think the most ‘dangerous ‘ thing for the Op is lull her into a false sense of security. Particularly as she is a sahm and therefore potentially financially vulnerable
All the evidence points to a man who is so infatuated , he is prepared to disrespect his wife on social media. This is a man who doesn’t really give a damn about his wife’s feeling and is most probably ready to leave her if given the opportunity.
As the saying goes, forewarned is forearmed.
Hopefully , it will end well for the Op,

You don't have to exchange sex messages to romantically chase anyone.
She is special to him, that much is clear, and he won't let go of her. He won't establish boundaries and is not exactly conducting his main contact with her in the open. He is very much leaving this door open, if not trying to bolt through it, given half a chance.

I don't think him leaving, having a child with her, etc, is inevitable, but unless he establishes those boundaries and acts to protect his marriage from this relationship, I do think she'll just have to snap her fingers.

And from my experience, I do think most men will stay without being in love unless they have someone else to go to.

Sit him down and tell him you know what BBJE means. Tell him how hurt you are that he posted that to another woman on a public forum. Ask him why he thinks it's acceptable to disrespect you so openly.

There will be many of us that have had fantastic sexual experiences away from our current partners, but you don't humiliate and hurt them by publicly discussing it.

He needs to know that you know. He also lied about it when you first asked him. Get the iPad, get him unlock it and check the messages again. You know you've seen something about the next chapter so you can either read the message or know it's been deleted. He may not like it but his disrespectful behaviour has caused this issue