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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

999 replies

Lovelytea · 30/12/2018 19:50

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

OP posts:

SantaClauseMightWork · 30/12/2018 21:32

vuripadexo has nailed it. Absolutely.

NotANotMan · 30/12/2018 21:32

the fact that she won't do a public place with a third party present shows what her game plan is

This is such bollocks. The courts won't care if she wants him back! They will care what's best for the baby. A contact centre/public place is NOT it.

Travisandthemonkey · 30/12/2018 21:34

Long term you will not be the loser. Things will be initially hard
But you can’t think like that.
Can you just get some space from all of this.

londonrach · 30/12/2018 21:34

Dna test needed. No way can he see a new born baby with the mother being there. I also suspect he more than once your husband been unfaithful. Sorry op.

Weathermonger · 30/12/2018 21:35

My heart aches for you OP. I have never been in a situation like this, so I can't offer advice based on experience. However I do think that your number one priority isn't the new baby (that's up to the OW), you need to do what is best for you, only when you can start to heal are you in the best place to take care of your DC and help them through the difficult times ahead. No-one else should enter this equation, just you and your children. It's admirable that you want to do best by an innocent baby, but frankly that's not your problem, that is for the OW and your husband to work out. They knew the risks of (repeated ??) unprotected sex and now they have to face the consequences of their poor decisions. Can you take your children to stay with your relative ? If only for a couple of days to get away from the situation and gain a fresh perspective ? Please, what ever you do, put yourself (and ultimately your DC) first.

bullyingadvice2017 · 30/12/2018 21:35

This will not go well. The whole thing will be one drama after another. Get out now before it sucks qway any more of your life. Honestly life is so much easier without a lying fucker making your life miserable.

goldengummybear · 30/12/2018 21:35

You're not going to have stability now OP .
Every Xmas, birthday etc your h will have to factor in his new child so you'll have to adapt all current routines and traditions.

Normally, kids are introduced to their parent's partner after 6 months-ish so the OW is not unreasonable to have you stay away for a good while. She is very unreasonable to insist that a third adult can't be at contact.

SantaClauseMightWork · 30/12/2018 21:35

HundredMilesAnHour
You are almost having an emotional affair or on the verge of one.

Loka123 · 30/12/2018 21:36

Eeek tough situation - maybe you could ask them to have a baby monitor/ camera type thing between their house/living room and yours so if your DH does go over there, you can use it then only (of course with the permission of OW) so at least your DH can go over and visit the baby. As she has understandably said she doesn't want to bring the baby to your place, perhaps it might be a compromise to do this but then again, she might be likely to refuse the idea of being filmed/monitored during your DH's visit to the baby...

You seem very forgiving though - seems really gross that a grown ass married man with children has had unprotected sex (I assume knowingly, not drunk etc) with a woman....so of course she could get pregnant and/or he could have potentially passed STIs onto you.. I know it's not unheard of people doing this but it must seem so gross from your side.. the deceit must be a total mood killer in the bedroom I'd imagine..

MaisyPops · 30/12/2018 21:37

NotANotMan
The fact the other woman wants her ex affair partner on his own and is refusing all reasonable offers in the baby's interest shows exactly what her game is.
It's not bollocks to see through the actions of a woman who's desperate to keep her affair partner.

Funkyfunkybeat12 · 30/12/2018 21:38

WinterFellWench are you a lawyer? A solicitor has given their opinion on this thread on what level of contact a court would order. Courts will not refuse to separate mother and child for a couple of hours. You're wrong here and it's unhelpful to the OP.

OP, I suspect that your marriage will eventually break down in any event. I can't see how there can ever be a way back from this. It's sad that not only did he think it okay to cheat on you, but he didn't even bother to use protection (cheap and widely available) to prevent this happening. He was more interested in having a slightly more pleasurable shag than to worry one little iota about his wife and children.

Loka123 · 30/12/2018 21:38

I also think there might have been more than one incidence of them sleeping together and the only reason he's had to confess the "one time" is because she got pregnant so you'll find out eventually anyway..!

Youbrokemytwatometer · 30/12/2018 21:38

My heart really goes out to you, OP.

I don't really have much advice. I've been in a slightly similar situation and in the end, I couldn't do it, although things did get more complicated! Having said that, I'm not about to jump on the "you MUST leave him" bandwagon. You won't be the first woman who has been here and managed to come out the other side with her family in tact.

I will say though, this woman can't be trusted (neither can your husband before anyone jumps in, but that goes without saying). I don't think you can remove her completely, and all it may take is one false word from her when your DH doesn't play ball, and it will set you back years.

Do you think you can ever trust your DH enough that that won't be the case?

DictionarySnowman · 30/12/2018 21:38

OP What an awful situation of his making.

A small part of me stayed out of defiance because I knew she was waiting in the background with open arms wishing I'd just fuck off so she can offer him a relationship and family setting as a consolation for the fact he's lost ours.

He'll do to her what he's done to you.

I just know that if I left I'll be torturing myself on an hourly basis obsessing over what he was doing, did he go back to her, have I just ruined my babies lives.

But you'll do this anyway. Every moment he's not with you, you'll wonder if he's with her. If you leave, you'll torture yourself and be devastated if he gets together with her, but one day you'll feel better and the future will look brighter. If you stay, you'll never escape the anxiety and hurt. Better to take more short term pain than a lifetime of worry. Show your young children that this is no way to live and not to be tolerated in a relationship.

Original poster

Lovelytea · 30/12/2018 21:39

I had a full STI check when I found out and fortunately for me everything was negative.

I think a few days away from the situation to gain clarity would be beneficial for me right now but it's not practical to uproot with the DCs for a break and even if he were to bugger off himself for a few days I won't get any peace being in our home.

OP posts:

ARoomSomewhere · 30/12/2018 21:40

I don't like the term 'affair child'.
Paternity test notwithstanding the child is as much his as his other children. And that child has a right to contact with him as it grows up.

myhamsteratefreddiestarr · 30/12/2018 21:40

OP. My friends DH left her, went off with OW, then came back when OW was pregnant.

They have rebuilt their marriage and 3-4 years on, he has regular contact with the child who is now very much part of their family and loved by all, including my friend.

When the child was very young, contact always took place in OW’s house though. He used to take his DC with him so nothing untoward could happen.

We all think my friend is either insane or a saint and have told her so, but it was her choice to take him back and they seem very happy together. Only you know if you want your DH, but ultimately it is your decision.

londonrach · 30/12/2018 21:42

Also op stop blamming ow. It takes two to have sex and you 'd' h is the one married. Be careful here as she could be one of many he slept with. Look after yourself and your children. Take your time.

KataraJean · 30/12/2018 21:42

I cannot see how this situation will improve your mental health though. It is adding to your mental load immeasurably.

Have you had an opportunity for counselling in real life?

Everyone on here will have views on what you should do (my view is concentrate on you and DC) but I think you would benefit from RL support.

WWWWicked · 30/12/2018 21:43

Got to be honest (and I don’t care if I get flamed for this) - I’d be telling him to get a dna test, pay for the child if it’s his, but have no contact whatsoever if he wants to stay in the marriage.

At the very least, at this point you need to step back, take a few months of no contact beyond sorting dna and financial support, and see where you’re all at in 3-6 months time.

Yinv · 30/12/2018 21:44

The first step has to be the DNA test and if the baby is his, getting put on the birth certificate.

Then he needs to set payments up. Since there is a horrible relationship, this is probably better done formally.

I think he should probably go and visit the baby in her home as she has demanded just once and then as he’s leaving, tell her that it was a one off out of respect for the fact that she is a brand new mum of a newborn and the rest needs to be done formally.

Travisandthemonkey · 30/12/2018 21:45

She’s as desperate to have him probably for the same reasons are you’re as desperate to keep him.
Neither of you want the other to have the “happy ever after”

What neither of you realise yet, is there is no happy ever after with a man like this.

Figgygal · 30/12/2018 21:45

Blimey you're a better person that I am
Totally impossible situation

UnicornSlaughters · 30/12/2018 21:45

for you OP. I'm so sorry that you've been forced into this situation. I agree with PP, stop communicating with her and consult a solicitor. DNA test is a must.

Good luck

NoImNotSpecial · 30/12/2018 21:47

To reply to your question - no, there is no way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her. As the mother of the baby, she will always be there, playing a prominent part. Appreciate you are trying to keep your family together, but she is now part of your DH's life in some way, for a long time to come.

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