DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

[Lovelytea]

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

A small part of me stayed out of defiance because I knew she was waiting in the background with open arms wishing I'd just fuck off so she can offer him a relationship and family setting as a consolation for the fact he's lost ours.

I believe he's that weak a person that he'd and up there with them if I left, rather than be left with nothing.

I've spoken with her enough to know what type of woman she is. We had a baby of a few months old when she slept with him and she knew that.

My self esteem is shot to pieces and I wish I could adopt the mentality of posters on here who'd think bollocks to that she can have him.

I'm terrified of giving up stability and everything I know.

Hi OP,

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this situation. I have a friend who got this women pregnant and she didn't tell him he had a baby and to cut a long story short, his name was not on the birth certificate. The courts cannot really do much for him as without his name on the BC he had no legal standing for his child.

Even after 2 years of going to court, he only gets visits from him son every 2 weeks for half a day or so. I would suggest that you guys play nice until that name is on the certificate. Once the name is on it then get a lawyer, go to court and you will have more power then. I would not trust your husband around this women either, its a very hard situation.

What does your husband want to do ?

Dad not child! Ffs the child has the right to see his dad it's not about them anymore she isn't getting that she can call the shots all she wants but he can take it to court they can compel a DNA test if it goes to court she loses control of the situation

Do you want to stay with a weak man for the rest of your life that you only think is staying because you’re the current better option.

OP think realistically, this baby will have birthdays, where?
Christmas? Will baby be allowed to see her dad at these times or will you block it if you can't control it?
She's got enough on her plate without being expected to appease you as well.

He needs to do a paternity test. If OW leaves the BC blank, it can be amended later with a DNA test.

Court will not order a newborn to be away from its mother for long stretches. It’s unlikely your DC will get sibling contact until your DH has established a bond; however your DC and OWs DC do have a legal right to a sibling relationship.

I’d suggest a contact centre and then there doesn’t have to be any direct contact between DH and OW - however eventually they will have to co parent and you’ll have to come to terms with them being in semi regular contact. However CCs are slammed and so I can’t say if you’re likely to get one or not, instead the court could order a neutral party to supervise.

I would, tbh, see a solicitor immediately and get this shit show sorted before the baby arrives.

I won’t give my opinion on whether you should LTB or not because

I don't think you can control this and I think that's going to drive you even more mad than anything else.

You know he's going to have to have contact with her if he's going to have contact with the baby.

So really the question is, can you cope with that?

because you're in a shitty situation that you didn't make.

And your own baby was only a few months old when he was fucking someone else.

Honestly both of you are best off without him in your lives.

I can tell you if he just goes to her because you chucked him out, it will not last

It's the rights of the children in all this that matter.

He needs a paternity test, court, CM.

I'd let him be a p/t father to all his children as I think this will continue to hurt you for years otherwise. But I can understand why you are trying to hang on as you have small children yourself. So sorry.

Form c63 apply to be named as the child's father courts will look at the evidence and decide if a DNA test is needed so I'm assuming you have text messages naming him as the father?

DS1 dad split up with me when I told him I was pregnant. Not an affair but a 6 month relationship and not planned. We have managed to co parent successfully since we split (15 years ago now) and this involved him having access which involved him taking DS1 to his house starting when he was 1.5 weeks old. Initially just for a couple of hours. It was really hard for me initially, all your instincts scream out when your baby so little is out of your sight but it was for the best for my son so I tried to make the best of the time to myself. I breast fed till 6 months but expressed for when he was with his dad. So it is possible. I know this isn’t the same situation at all but to all those saying there is no way a baby can be away from its mums, I want to confirm this can work and there is no reason the OW cannot agree this in the best interests of baby and dad. Good luck OP with whatever you decide

*because you’ve decided you’re staying.

But if it were me, I’d fuck him off and contact her directly.

He’s done you both over massively. Fuck him and his high horse.

Something to read OP... These are not my words below The whole affair child issue is very emotive and difficult to navigate.

www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_affairchild.html

When the husband is the unfaithful spouse:
In many ways, based on my initial recommendation that all contact with the other person end completely, it’s easier to make a recommendation to a couple with a child born to an unfaithful husband:

He should not have contact with the child. Such contact would not only increase his temptation to make contact with the other woman, but would also increase fear, anger, and resentment in his wife.

But as you might expect, that recommendation is extremely controversial. It’s only when you see what happens to couples that allow contact between an unfaithful father and his child that it’s apparent that a choice must be made between the child and the marriage.

If a couple wants their marriage to thrive, his contact with the child must end, in spite of the negative effects that might have on the child. If contact is made, the marriage is under constant threat of divorce.

The other woman may not want the unfaithful spouse to get out of her life so easily. She may not only want him to provide financial support and parenting, but she may also want to have him back as her lover. She may use the excuse of parenting to try to win him over. She may even offer to forgo financial support if he were to spend some time with the child – and with her.

But proving parentage can be very difficult for the other woman. Even if an unfaithful husband has admitted parentage, he can deny it later if a court-ordered and court-approved DNA test has not been given. If parentage cannot be proven, he is under no obligation in most states to provide financial support or parenting support. The woman who has sex with, and gets pregnant by a man she knows is married, might well have been having sex with someone else as well.

A married man should not take the other woman's word that he is the father of her child, and neither should he give in to her demand for a DNA test. He should do nothing unless the other woman obtains a court order for a DNA test.

I have I believe PND anxiety that's been exasborated by the situation I've been forced to deal with and quite frankly I don't know where my head will be at if I kick him out because then I've got the aftermath to deal with and it'll be another set of blows that my MH can't handle right now.

Whatever I do, I'm the loser.

You don't have stability, you have pain.

Splitting up my unfaithful ex was the best decision I ever made. I remember being so desperate to make it work and so afraid, but in the end I wish I'd let go sooner.

At least look at your options for leaving - what you'd get as child support, whether you'd be entitled to any benefits, your share of the marital assets, what it could all look like. You don't have to do anything with the knowledge, but it'll give you a bit of strength.

You said it was a one night stand that developed form an emotional affair.
In some ways that's worse that if he'd gone out and had a genuine 'one off' one night stand.
If he'd been having an emotional affair for a long time, then it means he's already built up a lot of closeness with the OW.
Iif she wishes to reignite things, (and from what you've written that seems to be the case) then all the groundwork of getting close and getting to know each other has already been done. The stage is yet.
The three of them on their own in a domestic setting is trouble waiting to happen. Opportunity and all that.
He may be contrite and want to stay faithful and not stray any further, but what happens further down the line when the two of you have had an argument, and he happens to be going round hers later on, and she's pulling out all the stops. It would take a very strong man to resist, especially when it's being offered on a plate.
I think long term it's going to shred your nerves to bits.

I don't envy you and I dont know what the answer is.

I will try and bring some sense into this. Play long-term OP. Get your ducks in a row. Plan for a year or two or three from now. Make sure he goes through the courts and everything to get to that stage. You will draw strength from the thought that you are getting your situation under control one way or the other. This will give you your self-confidence and control back. In the mean time, hopefully she will get over him or will show enough colours to put him off permanently so you get your revenge too.
Then you decide whether you stay or you leave. You will have the power by then.

I'll be crucified but... there's no rush. the baby is 2 weeks and won't even know who he is for months. I'd put the brakes on contact - NO CONTACT AT ALL WITH BABY - and go to court. Get the paternity and put on the BC. Then decide re contact. Stop talking to this woman and go through solicitors.

Get your control back by refusing to play these games.Then follow solicitor's advice. When the baby is closer to a year old contact could be through a 3rd party.

Again the baby is TWO WEEKS OLD. There is no rush. Personally I'd aim to start regular contact in the next six months to a year. Don't even bother looking for contact now.

stop speaking to this woman immediately.

It's commendable how after all this you are thinking about this new baby and what is best for them.

Only you can decide what is right for your marriage.

I think at 2 weeks it's reasonable for the mum not to be apart from baby. But it's also reasonable for contact to take place in public or with a 3rd neutral party present. The fact the OW won't accept that and wants your DH alone at hers tells you her game loud and clear. She will do all she can to drive a wedge between you, present herself as reasonable and offer a shoulder for him to vent on and cry on when he is finding it tough to rebuild your marriage.
If you must remain in your marriage, ensure a paternity test is done and then keep evidence of all the reasomable steps and offers made by you and your DH to show the child in due course.

I know this is going to hurtful places OP, but i wonder what HE promised HER?

What justification did he give her for getting sexually involved with another woman when he had a young baby at home? They must have had these conversations. Did he say he was going to leave you and be with her? How will you ever know what he said?

She's had an emotional affair with a married man and has fallen pregnant and had his child. He wants to see the child (and is talking about rights ...) but doesn't want to clap eyes on her anymore. I can understand why she's not being easy going. To be honest.

He really is not worth any of this aggro

Kick him out and let him sort out his own contact with his various kids seperatly. You and this woman have more in common than you think. Youve both been fucked over by the same man. This will eat you up. Limit the damage by getting out now

@SandyY2K thank you for that link I'm going to read now

I think it's disgusting to suggest the a parent should cut contact with a child.

Leaving him doesn't have to mean leaving your home. You can ask him to leave your home.

@Lovelytea I definitely don't think you and your DC should leave your home. If anyone goes, it should be your DH. You can't give up the little security you have left.

But you need to sit your DH down and have (yet another) serious conversation. Does he intend to stay with you? If staying with you means never seeing this baby/child, does he think he's capable of that? (and are you too?). If the answer to any of these is NO, your DH needs to move out. Maybe just for a short while so you can all clear your heads, maybe permanently. But it's important that you and the DC stay in the family home to minimise the trauma to your DC. Their lives have also just been changed forever and they need to be protected as much as possible.

I feel for you so much. It brings tears to my eyes writing this and I wish there was something I could do to make the pain go away for you. All I can do is say that I'm thinking of you and I know you can get through this. You are stronger than you know. xxx

As for my sad tale, it's over 20 years now since my ex-BF and I split. It changed my life forever. I was so trusting back then. So naive. I made a decision to stay single/celibate quite a few years ago as I'm happier that way (or maybe I'm just a coward who can't face getting hurt). But my ex and I are in contact again. We swap messages, we've met once. He says ours was the best relationship he's ever had and no-one else (including his current partner) comes close. I know he loves me unconditionally. But I never tell him how I feel. I don't want to do anything to jeopardise his current relationship as I know he's not all that happy. What happened back then destroyed me. I couldn't do that to someone else. Sometimes I wonder whether we will get back together when we're old and grey and live out our retirement years happily together. But that's probably just a dream to keep me warm on lonely winter nights.