DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

[Lovelytea]

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

This is going to absolutely fuck your mental health. Honestly.

I’m 2 years out and the most mundane of triggers sets me off.

You will NEVER escape this affair. You can never make peace with it. It’s a constant reminder.

@Hundredmilesanhour

As for my sad tale, it's over 20 years now since my ex-BF and I split. It changed my life forever. I was so trusting back then. So naive. I made a decision to stay single/celibate quite a few years ago as I'm happier that way (or maybe I'm just a coward who can't face getting hurt).

But my ex and I are in contact again. We swap messages, we've met once. He says ours was the best relationship he's ever had and no-one else (including his current partner) comes close. I know he loves me unconditionally. But I never tell him how I feel. I don't want to do anything to jeopardise his current relationship as I know he's not all that happy.

What happened back then destroyed me. I couldn't do that to someone else. Sometimes I wonder whether we will get back together when we're old and grey and live out our retirement years happily together. But that's probably just a dream to keep me warm on lonely winter nights.

Cool story bro.

Assuming it's not a fantasy you made up in your head......

You do know right, that you are not the only one that your 'soulmate' of an ex lover says that to? (That you are the best relationship he ever had? (Including his current partner?)

Wake up and smell the coffee. You sound like a lovesick teenager, not a middle aged woman.

@funkyfunkbeat12

I am not wrong. As long as the OP's husband does not have his name on the birth certificate and they are not married, he has NO RIGHT to see the 'other woman's' baby. Check your facts before you post accusing people of being 'wrong.'

How did they know each other, OP? I assume they don't work together? Sorry if I've missed that.

Agree with @Maisypops - the baby is only two weeks old.

FWIW, I think you are right to try to stay and build a family life with your DH. I know that’s going against the grain but I believe people can change and grow and your DH sounds willing to to try for you.

Do everything through a solicitor. You can keep control of the situation this way and set the pace. Get a letter sent to her this week re birth certificate and DNA test. Contact at contact centre, then more custody if that’s what your DH wants.

OP this is the story of a colleague I know - I learnt of his story (by colleagues who watched the whole drama but were not involved) when all was said and done, so I do not know the heartbreak that went around, only the outcome:
Colleague was married but the marriage remained childless. This was such a problem for him he contemplated leaving the marriage and finding a ‚fertile‘ partner. So he started an affair with a colleague (note that he, wife and OW all worked in the same institution!) who got pregnant from him. Pretty much at the same time when wife finally got pregnant from him - against all odds. He was torn, cared for both children (and women, allegedly) until he decided to stay with his wife. Still cared for baby of OW, who was a single mum for several years. Finally, OW found a new partner (ridiculously, another colleague). They all still work at the same institution, the father has a relationship to both children (Obviously the closer one to the one he is in a family with).

I‘m not saying I recommend this, I would not know what toll it took on the wife, but this type of stuff can happen and get sorted without the wife leaving.
Mediation is surely a good idea. (And counseling for yourself, too).

@WWWWicked
I agree with you.

The child is a constant reminder of his infidelity. I couldn't deal with that.

An innocent child with 2 thoughtless parents.

A small part of me stayed out of defiance because I knew she was waiting in the background with open arms wishing I'd just fuck off so she can offer him a relationship and family setting as a consolation for the fact he's lost ours

You can’t make a decision like this based on trying to win an imaginary competition with someone whose opinion you don’t care about. There are times in your life when you 100% need to put your wants and your needs above other peoples. Don’t make choices for yourself based on a fear that she will ‘win’.
If you do decide to go it alone then he is the one who leaves, not you. Things will get worse before they get better. If you stick it out you have a lifetime of this. I’m struggling to see how long term that is worse, but them I’m the type to rip of Elastoplasts

Hell would freeze over before I'd let my 2 week old out of my sight.

What support do you have in real life? Do you have family or friends that you confide in? What about a GP or health visitor? I really think you need to think less about him and them (OW and baby) , and more about yourself and your children. I imagine this will be difficult, and you need someone who you can trust. I believe you can book online counselling sessions if you can't attend in-person. Really your husband should be taking time off work so you can attend.

It's understandable that you want to have some control over the situation, and that you don't want her to feel like she's won, but this is short-term thinking based on old truths which are no longer valid. Unfortunately your old family life is gone and cannot be reestablished. You didn't choose this future (with him having another family) for yourself, you wouldn't choose it for your own children, so why accept it for yourself just because he's forcing it on you? Honestly he is no prize, and you're doing yourself a disservice by thinking about your future in terms of whether or not "she wins".

He has willingly entered into an emotional affair when you were pregnant or just after you'd had a baby. He enjoyed that. He wanted it. He chose it. How many times they had sex is irrelevant. They both wanted to, and he thought about it in advance and decided yes, I'm going to pretend to do xyz so I can see OW alone and we can be together. He really doesn't deserve you, and you don't deserve the emotional torture of living with this.

I really wish you the best and hope that you are able to focus on yourself for a change. He doesn't need any more of your concern.

Oh Lovelytea, what a horrible situation.

In the kindest possible way, you cannot stay with him just because you think he will go to OW if you leave him. She is going to be in your lives FOREVER. You are going to spend the next 40 years wondering if he's going to leave you for her. Your mental health is going to suffer terribly and it is going to be such a toxic and damaging environment for your children to be in.

Why would you want to be with such a weak man? If you hadn't taken him back he would have 100% gone to OW. He is playing you both for fools and knows OW will always be his back up.

There will always be times that he spends time alone with her, medical appointments, parents evenings, school productions/assemblies, birthdays, christening etc etc and she will not invite you and is under no obligation to invite you.

Make him leave. You don't need to leave your house, your DH will need to support you and the kids.

With regards to the baby, a court is only interested in the interests of the child so will facilitate a relationship with both parents from an early age. My best friend was forced to hand over her 5 month old every other weekend. It broke her and has seriously screwed up her child who has suffered with separation anxiety from a very early age.

I admire you trying to make it work but I honestly believe you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache and it is best for you and you children to cut your losses now and attempt to get over it.

It's a horrible situation to be in- must have been a real shock. However, given that the baby is only 2 weeks old, I think YABU to expect her to just hand the baby over to your DH and you. Even more so if he/she is being EBF. If he wants to see the baby at the moment, he is going to have to go to her house.

As the baby grows older, it may be possible for your DH to have contact via a contact centre or through a third party and so not have to see her.

However, I think you do need to accept (even if you hate the idea) that your DH and this woman are forever linked because they have a child together. I think it is likely to be quite damaging and difficult for a child to grow up with such division and conflict- you and your husband are going to have to be able to be civil about the child's mother around him/her and the child's mother is similarly going to have to do the same. I think, in time, you need to work with being able to tolerate him having some contact- even if it is only at handover time. They will also need to communicate outwith these times if they are both going to parent this child, so I think you're going to have to find a way to manage that.

I have nothing to offer other Han hugs. 💐

Than

Again, those saying that the court will order contact in a contact centre - almost certainly not.
Firstly, someone has to pay for the contact centre. It won't be the mother, because she is offering contact in the home, so she is not being obstructive.
So the father pays - for how long?
Secondly, the child will be much more settled in its own home, with its mother nearby, than it would be in a contact centre with a stranger, as the father will be for a long while.
Unless there were evidence domestic abuse incidents or the mother was refusing to allow contact at all there is NO reason that a court would order contact in a contact centre. None at all.

I do think you will recover better from this situation if you split. It’s just too much.

That doesn’t mean you have to do anything now. I would prepare and plan for the escape in one or two years time. Regroup, restore and ready yourself.

Lovelytea- I really feel for you and I think it sounds as if you really are managing to not put any ill feelings you have into the baby which says a lot about you. I can't begin to imagine how hard this all is for you and I offer you nothing but the best of wishes.

However I have a thought on this and please dont take it the wrong way. The way the baby was conceived is obviously a massive deal to you and understandably so. However it's actually irrelevant when thinking about what's best for the baby in terms of contact with it's dad. I understand why you don't want your DH having alone time with his new baby and the OW, but I think as the baby is so young, it possibly is what's best for it.

It's as if you're trying to amend the arrangements to take into consideration the affair, but actually what's best for baby is best for the baby irrelevant of the circumstances.

I hope that makes sense, I'm really not criticising you, I think you're doing amazing in a really difficult situation.

My aunt stood by her cheating husband when he fathered another child. Over the years she became more and more angry and resentful (totally understandable). It literally destroyed her and massively affected her children.
You need to think about this long term and whether you can cope with it.

I don't think a child should miss out on a parent, especially in order to preserve a marriage that sounds irretrievably broken anyway. Half of marriages end in divorce, I'm guessing an even higher amount when one spouse is a cheat. I think suggesting a child be deprived of their father is horrible advice.

You know OP, I used to feel like you. I wont give her the satisfaction of walking out on him. I did this for 8 months. I did the pick me dance and everything. Lost my dignity and sanity in the process.

9 years down the line, still dealing with my trust issues, I think to myself, "Why didnt you just fucking dump him, you silly cow."

I had PND whilst his little affair was going and the mind games made it worse. It's taken a long time to gather the parts of me and get mending.

My aunt and uncle went through this same thing. He got a woman from the same town pregnant at the same time as having two small DC with his wife. They tried contact etc but it was a nightmare. In the end it all stopped and the children ended up at the same school together, although different years and had no idea they were siblings!

When they got older my aunt and uncle moved away as it was becoming harder to keep it from their children. Awful messed up situation.

If a couple wants their marriage to thrive, his contact with the child must end, in spite of the negative effects that might have on the child

How devastatingly (for the child) ruthless.

"your father doesn't want to know you because he loves other people much more".

The baby is a few weeks old, would you have been prepared to hand over your baby to strangers for hours at a time and possibly be with a woman who thinks you were spiteful and manipulative?
No, you wouldn't, you would want to be with your newborn.

He'll have to see her to see the baby. I'm surprised he hasn't even met the baby, this is all silliness, and where from, he should go to her and see the baby he created.

If he's not disputing the paternity at all, it's most likely not a ONS, and perhaps she is annoyed about it all as he spun her a web of lies that he loved her and would be leaving you for her?

But regardless, the baby should be seen with it's mother, especially as it's father cannot even be bothered about him enough to visit it in his first two weeks of his life.

Shameful.

I agree with vuripadexo too. OW certainly appears to be trying to manipulate the scenario to her advantage. I'd formalise the whole thing by going through solicitors and sorting paternity first and foremost, before even thinking about contact. She can attempt to manipulate solicitors all she wants, but it's clear that you need direct communication between you to cease now. I think for your own mental health you have to step back from listening to her demands and let a court decide what's realistic/appropriate and when. Completely understandable that she doesn't want to let her newborn go for any length of time at present, but trying to get your DH alone so they can play happy families just screams that she's not given up on creating her own family unit from the ruins of yours.

This would be a dealbreaker for me, but I understand that that's not what you want to hear. This woman is going to be in your lives forever now, unless your DH doesn't pursue contact. It's a circle you simply cannot square.

Research proves he doesn't 'need' to be involved, but if he's the bio father (paternity test) he will have to pay for his indulgence, and it would be very unreasonable to expect a woman to allow her newborn to go to someone who is pretty much a complete stranger that she bedded.

Please do not play a part in tearing this little db in two across the years, at the potential vast cost to your MH as he spends time with ow in order to have contact with db.

I think you are bu to expect any women to part with their nb for any period of time, even to trusted close family in the first days weeks and months. It just is a weird expectation, and will cause you strife fighting against the strength of a DM for her nb.

This is his fight, you need to step well back for many many reasons, not least of all your own family and well-being.

I really hope you can do this and stay well out of her and her db's relationship with your dh. These are his relationships to foster, or not, which will be tricky enough.

Please try to emotionally separate yourself from it, it will be your salvation. Some counselling and support for you might be worthwhile. I really hope this works and you can trust him implicitly, as you are going to have to for this to work.

I wouldn't do anything right now. I would be there in person and say the right things to your DP, and encourage him to get the legal side of things rolling (which doesn't need your input) and try to get as much headspace as you can to slowly come to terms with what has happened so that you can make the right long terms decisions in your own time. It is difficult with young children, but you don't have to make any long term decisions right now. Stay out of the OW arrangements as much as possible, try not to think or talk about it other than where necessary and spend your time getting over what has happened. You may decide to stay, you may decide to stay on your terms, you may end up not honestly caring about OW, you may end up wanting to go but getting things sorted out before you jump ship so that you and dc are as settled as possible. Take your time. Don't share this with him unless you really want to.

Long walks are fantastic for strength and clarity of mind, though how feasible that is with young dc depends. Just an idea though. I hope it works out in a way which is best for you and the dc.