DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

[Lovelytea]

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

I think the other woman has a bloody cheek insisting you and your children have nothing to do with her child tbh. He didn't stop having a wife and children when he got her pregnant! She can go fuck herself, she should have thought about that before sleeping with someone else's husband!
Sorry just a slight deviation there!

OP has said that it is not just jealousy on her part. OP is in a situation where she has stability and does not want to give that up. I am sure she worked hard for it too. It is not jealousy only. People should RTFT.

@HundredMilesAnHour thank you for sharing that with me and I appreciate hearing some somebody who can relate on a personal level, I wish I had your strength. I've thought long and hard about just leaving but then wonder where I'd go to and what support I'd have if I did. Ours is pretty much the only family me and the DC have.

I've got a relative a few hundred miles away who'd put us up in the interim but their place is tiny and it just wouldn't work for more than a few nights.

I just know that if I left I'll be torturing myself on an hourly basis obsessing over what he was doing, did he go back to her, have I just ruined my babies lives.

Its so hard and I fucking hate him for what he's done to our family

Why isn't he on the BC?!?!
A) Because an unmarried father can only go on the birth certificate if they attend the registration appointment with the mother.
B) Most 2 week old babies are unregistered, especially at Christmas when offices are closed.

Phone the General Register Office to discuss the DNA option if he needs it...he will need to use a court approved DNA service.

Over my dead body would my 2 week old be going anywhere without me, let alone meeting random ONS. I think you are being very unreasonable to think such a tiny baby should be separated from its mother for even the shortest time.

I agree with the above. I think you know deep down your marriage is over but don't want to give the OW the satisfaction of leaving your dh. I totally get that!! You would be much beeter off alone though. Much more emotionally healthy for you and your sweet children.

You don't leave OP! He leaves.

OP - you asked people to not to tell you to LTB but in all honesty I simply can't see how you can pursue the path you're on without damaging your mental and emotional heath.

You're committing to a path with very long term implications.

This isn't a wound that's going to heal. It's going to be re-opened every time you have to put your feelings aside to accommodate your H's new child and that the wishes of the OW. Do you really think your marriage can survive that?

Having control isn't dictating the communications between them. It's about thinking what's really in you and your children's best long term interests.

Leaving him isn't the same as letting the OW have him, even if that's where he ends up.

But how do you think these feelings are going to work out long term.
Right now, you’re in survival mode. You’re running on fear and adrenaline.
What happens when all of that runs out, and all you’ve got is a deadbeat husband who doesn’t have any contact with a child because that’s the likely outcome.

As someone else said, death by a thousand cuts.

Well, while the baby is small and possibly breastfeeding, I think he your husband will need to be content to have short visits with her present.

But ultimately the baby has a right to contact with his/her siblings as well as the father. If your husband behaves appropriately and goes through court to establish paternity and parental responsibility, then he will likely be awarded visitation.

That's why it's not a great idea to get pregnant by a married guy.

First of all, well done to you for even being able to think about the needs of this baby given what you are going through.

Secondly, your DH can simply go to court for a PR Order and Child Arrangements Order which will put an end to this bullshit. Contact will be set out and all of her power will be taken away from this situation.

Yes, she's just given birth 2 weeks ago, etc etc etc. She's not confined to the house, and the OP's DH is the child's father (according to this woman) so no reason for him not to be unsupervised with the baby, without his ex OW being present.

If he can't commit to going to court and seeing the baby without his ex OW, I think you need to walk away, OP, or it will be too painful for you.

Good luck with everything x

I agree it would be hideous to leave and feel like she has had one over on you, but to be honest what exactly has she won? A cheat who goes around getting other women pregnant? If they get together she will always be looking over her shoulder because she knows exactly what he is capable of, and that will be her penance OP. Don't put your pride before your self respect x

if I left I'll be torturing myself on an hourly basis obsessing over what he was doing, did he go back to her, have I just ruined my babies lives.

HE ruined your babies lives when he shagged around OP.

Anyway. 'Ruined' lives is taking it too far. But it is early days and you are understandably unbearably upset still. But please remember - it's not your job to try and make all of this go away.

OP I get that you don't want him to have contact with her but that just isn't realistic.

There will be times where they need to be one to dicuss matters related to the child (health, schooling, discipline), things which you naturally won't be involved in. What will you do then?

She can't say that long term you and your dc can't see the baby. Your dh will eventually get to a point where he can have his child overnight, weekends, holidays, whatever. But that is a long way off. In the short term she really can control contact.
And even in the long term she will be in every decision, every holiday plan, all your Christmas arrangements for years and years and years. You will never be the family you once were. I'm sorry. I would leave.

Going through pregnancy, birth and newborn stage by yourself is not easy. Maybe she's just exhausted and angry and will calm down in time? If you can hang on and do as she wishes now, she might be more amenable later.

I'd try to avoid thinking he made one mistake but she's the terrible harridan. Takes two.

How do you know what she does or doesn't want? Your DH lied in the past, of course he hasn't been visited by the truth fairy and it suits him to paint her as the evil woman as youve taken him back.
In her shoes I would worry about how you might treat the baby due to the bitterness you feel.
You took him back warts, baby and all, if you can't handle the reality then leave him to it as you have no right to interfere in the parenting arrangements of a child that is nothing to do with you. No matter how jealous or hurt you are

I wish you all the best. What a horrible situation.

Why can't mr can't keep his dick in his pants be the one to leave?

Why should you and the DC move?

have I just ruined my babies lives.

He ruined your lives when he cheated.

Walk away with your head held high and let him pick up the pieces.

Are you staying with him so that she can't have him?
Can you get him to move out as he's created this mess, I think this situation will physically wear you down, day by day. You'd be much freer when you take control.

All those advising court - you realise that mediation is a mandatory step before court applications can be made? And that the OW is offering exactly the type of contact that would be ordered by the court if it ever got that far?

There is NO reason that the courts would order contact to take place in a contact centre if the mother is offering it in the home. Absolutely none.

Also, those advocating that he insists on a paternity test before paying maintenance are being total dickheads. The man isn't disputing that he's the father. He needs to pay for the child from the start.

@newyearbollocks

You need to get legal advice OP. It doesn't matter whether the mother is or isn't breastfeeding, he is entitled to at least a couple of hours alone with the child.

Either that or with a third party at her home/contact centre. Courts will facilitate this, regardless of what people are telling you on here. The best interest of that child is to see both parents in a none volatile situation.

They won't just say and do as the mother wishes.

She can't just sleep with someone and then say, "oh yeah but I don't trust you with your own child!"

It just doesn't work like that.

Sorry but this is a load of utter nonsense. Where on earth did you dig all THAT up from?!

As the OP's husband (the baby's father,) is not on the birth certificate and not married to the other woman; he has no right whatsoever to make any demands, and no legal right to see the baby.

And he is certainly not entitled to spend at least a couple of hours with the child. And the mother of the child has every right to refuse him access. So yeah, whatever the mother wishes IS what will happen.

Some nonsense being spouted on this thread!

The child has the right to contact with his child (if it is his) mum should facilitate this but the fact that she won't do a public place with a third party present shows what her game plan is because if she was really doing this for her child she would have said yes to this compromise because really it gives everyone what they want except her she wants him to herself

This is an awful situation for you (been there), but try and detach. The posters who have said that you cannot control this are correct.

Let’s say it went to court - the courts will act in the best interests of the child. Your husband will be the petitioner, not you. He would need to raise the action, not you.

But before even going that far, your husband had the affair which resulted in the baby. The baby is two weeks old. What kind of man threatens a new mother of a two week old baby with court? That is a last resort, not a first one.

So, then there is mediation - she has just had a baby, so her solicitor will probably rightly ask for a period of recovery for her to get baby into a routine.

And she is offering contact in baby’s home, so she is not denying access. Baby is two weeks old.

The best thing for the child if his father wishes to maintain contact is short visits in baby’s home and when baby gets older, an hour or two out of the house.

It is about what is best for the baby. Not you, or OW or anyone else.

It is also your husband’s responsibility to sort out what he wants to do, not yours.

One of the hardest lessons in life is that you cannot control other people, only your own self. The only decision you really have to make is whether to stay in your marriage, and having made that, how you are going to cope with your husband being a father to another woman’s child. Cope with, not control.

One more thing - complete breakdowns may sound scary, and they are not pleasant. But one of the most beautiful things I read once was that breaking lets the light in. It is not worth using all your energy to prevent things falling apart when maybe the pieces make a better whole in some other arrangement.

The pair of you though.....you both need to ditch him x