DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

[Lovelytea]

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

so You think that the husband going to see the newborn baby is going to have a detrimental affect on his current children?

I think the fathers involvement is the responsibility of the father. The OW is allowing him access, in a manner that’s best for the baby?if he doesn’t take her up on that, that’s his fault, not hers.

I'm not somebody who sees OW as blameless and this one certainly sounds awful. But the idea that they are equally at fault is ridiculous. OP's husband has more responsibility to his wife and family unit than a stranger.

The ow does not decide on what your husband does. He said he wants contact with the child not her. That’s reasonable. If she doesn’t like it then that’s just tough luck.

She shouldn’t be fucking married men. I hope she allows the child to have contact with its dad step mum and siblings. I hope it tears her up watching her child go off to your family and be happy and she feels really shit that she failed to separate you all. I hope she has learnt her lesson.

And speaking about you and your children so terribly? Well I am furious for you. Don’t give her a second thought. You have given her the options. It’s upto her if she denies the child contact. Balls in her court. If she can’t be separated from her newborn for an hour or so then so be it. Wait till she can be parted. Do not back down. She has no right to dictate what your husband does.
She’s just trying to get him alone again. She’s shown what she wants. Her behaviour will get worse if you dance to her tune.
She fucked up as well as your husband. These are the consequences. Did she really think she could have all her own way? Unlucky petal. Your husband is dealing with the fallout and offered to step up to his responsibilities.
You hold your head high you have been more than lovely in this awful situation. She should be praising you.
Op I am with you. 100%

Firstly I don’t think they had sex just the once and got pregnant. It does happen but I doubt it was a one night stand.

Secondly, I agree with the OW I wouldn’t want my new born baby to leave the house with a parent I wasn’t with, at least until the baby was a bit older.

Thirdly, they will need to be in contact with each other....for the next 18 years

Your mad to stay with him!

Take Ambers post for example. So much more venom for the OW than DH. The woman who is looking after the baby needs to be teared up, learn a lesson etc. But the man who hasn't even met his baby yet and has caused untold misery to his wife is apparently stepping up to his responsibilities. I don't get it.

Great post Amber agree 100%

Totally agree twisted. I don’t get it either. I’m not saying what she done was ok, of course it wasn’t, it’s appalling. But there seems to be a real misappropriation of blame.

As I said previously, to the point where PP seem to think she should be separated from her newborn and it’s her doing in order to facilitate contact with the father that makes OP feel better. It’s madness to me.

Well, it's been quite obvious for days that you don't 'get it' twisted

Yes some of the posts seem to suggest that best interests of the child principle be abandoned if the baby is born of an affair. Then the cheating husband's desire to fix his marriage is more important and to be facilitated at any cost.

No, just disagreeing with the misogyny that holds a woman to a higher standard than the man involved Wendy.

so You think that the husband going to see the newborn baby is going to have a detrimental affect on his current children?

Yes I do. Whilst ‘DH’ goes off to bond with baby in his ex-mistresses presence, OP will likely be devastated. What a mind-f&@k that will be. Her anxiety and sadness will no doubt effect her children, who will pick up on their mother’s distress.

To think this can end up as happy families for everyone is naive.

I had a friend who would drop her baby to the father’s parents once a week for an hour, whilst she popped to the shop across the road and had her hair done. The father would turn up, spend an hour with his child and leave just before she’d come back to collect, with a lovely hair-do.
In a month or so, why is this type of thing not a workable scenario? It only isn’t if OW doesn’t want it to be.
Alternatively why can’t the DH meet the ow at her house, but with his mother in tow? To act as a mediator and build a grandparent bond? Again it’s a workable scenario that ow currently won’t allow. Why? Because she has already said that she wants a relationship with this man and is fighting for him.

Best interest of the children Twisted, there ain‘t just one. But I agree,best interests are not pursued regarding the out of wedlock baby, courtesy bitter OW. Let‘s hope at some point she will put her baby first...

But the man who hasn't even met his baby yet and has caused untold misery to his wife is apparently stepping up to his responsibilities. I don't get it

It’s misogyny, twisted. Same as it’s internalised misogyny that makes the OP stay with this waster, when a man in her position would almost never consider it.

Her kids will witness this mess, pick up the message that men are to be deferred to and accommodated at all costs, and may go on to repeat that dysfunctional behaviour in their own relationships. And so the cycle continues

Ok, so in order for the OPs feelings on th situation not to rub off on her children, the newborn baby shouldn’t spend time with his dad? Or should do so in a way that OPwont get upset by and therefore not show to her children?

In what world does that make any sense?

The real issue her is the trust issues that OP, very understandably has. So the OW I’m afraid isn’t going to prioritise that and alter what she feels comfortable with due to it. It just wouldn’t make sense for her to do that.

Personally OP, I'd much rather be a single parent than have to put up with this awful situation your 'D'H has presented you with. Apart from the upset it's going to cause you for the next 21+ years, what kind of a message is this going to send your children about relationships in the future? That men can be unfaithful and women have to put up with it?

I feel for you, but if it were me my marriage would be over before this gets any worse for you.

OP, i have zero practical advice but I just wanted to offer and say that you're an amazing person. Whatever happens, the humility, compassion and love you've shown in this thread has genuinely moved me to tears

My heart goes out to you and I wish you love, whatever comes of things

Deepwater, what do you think then the OW should be doing?id have thought what was in the best interests of her baby would be to facilitate access with dad, in a familiar environment to the baby, with its primary care giver nearby. You don’t agree?

I‘d say the part where OW denigrated OP for her looks and whatnot was the misogyny part.

I don’t think you understand what misogyny means then.

I’m not defending the OW, deepwater

But placing so much more blame on her than the husband is glaringly mysogynistic. There’s no other explanation

Well Cassie, in my world that’s called compromise and is perfectly reasonable...but it does seem that you are on another planet.

As I have already written, I would go to the park with baby and meet its father, there. Familiar environment all well and good, but surely few mothers will hold that fresh air is too unfamiliar for a baby to be exposed to.

I don’t understand your posts, Cassie

The OP staying around in this situation models bad behaviour to both her kids and the OW’s

If she leaves it shows that men’s actions have consequences, and allows both sets of kids to have straightforward contact with their dad

Nobody places more blame on her for the affair than on DH. Who is not to blame is OP, though, who is btw a woman.

Sloth, I completely agree with you.

My comment about not understanding misogyny wasn’t at you, it was at deepwater.