DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

[Lovelytea]

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

Op taking everything else out of the equation... You don't and can't trust him anymore. That relationship has to be over. You'll spend forever now wondering and watching. It's horrible but I think when things have calmed, you need to try and move on.

Some of these comments are disgusting the baby is a human being not worth less than the other DCs! I'd leave my DH if he didn't want contact with the child he made, he would be even more of a scumbag in my eyes than for the cheating.
He decided to have unprotected sex with a woman he needs to man the fuck up, I would leave him OP he can be a father to his 3 children without being in a relationship.

I will add from the ow point of view. I'm not proud of my involvement with a married man at all. No child involved here though he had older grown children though. It was a past love in my case he sought me out via sm. I wish to god I'd sent him packing my life has spiralled out of control I was completely drawn in he said all the right things. I'm not blame less at all in any of it. I ended it as I couldn't live with myself and the selfish person I had become. The guilt I feel is terrible. I've been to the point of almost killing myself yes I tried it was something I truly wanted. My point is no sympathy should lay with the ow she new what she was doing as did I. However the child is innocent here. If I ever came into contact with the wife I would be so sorry I should never have entangled myself with another woman's husband. However I don't believe they ever change he will in all likelihood do it again. My personal wounds in this are mine my fault I should never have played with fire. In my defence this was a man I have loved most of my life. Honestly I don't know how she (OW) could be anything but kind to you op. As it's not your fault at all. Good luck. I will add in my case it was an EA only not that makes a difference it's still cheating.

Protect your own DC OP, you have no responsibility to the other child
This. Your loyaly is to yours not fucking them up

Your husband is not trustworthy and will never be. I don't know how you imagine your future when you are constantly worried about what he is messaging people or who he is meeting. It wouldn't be a life I'd want.

Put your children first, get some legal advice and ask him to leave. He can see all the children separately. He isn't a prize you have "lost" to the OW. He is a prize bellend though.

I think you should have some counselling OP (by yourself not with your husband) so you can talk through the options and understand why you feel you want to live like this. The counselling should help you to realise you are stronger than you think and deserve better

He's not actually talking about OW or the baby at all at the moment. He avoids the subject because he knows it's upsetting for me

Then your marriage is never going to work!!! He is the FATHER! He needs to talk about this child. He will be seeing and talking about the child for the rest of his life, and he will have the OW in his life for at least 18 years. If you can’t handle that - LEAVE! Neither of these things can be avoided

The baby doesn't know DH yet and doesn't have a bond like our DC have therefore is blissfully unaware. It will hurt my DC considerably more if he's suddenly out of the picture, than it will be hurting the new baby by not knowing his father yet

Oh for Christ’s sake OP. Imagine if he’d walked away from you whilst pregnant, what kind of man would that have made him? Because if he walks away from this unborn baby simply to spare your feelings then he’s a scumbag. You’re really wishing this unborn child to grow up without a father simply because you can’t handle it???

You know the facts. You know he has a baby on the way. If you can’t handle that fact then don’t be with him. Ending your marriage doesn’t mean he can’t be a father to your children.

I think I'm done here because I'm getting quite wound up

And this is why your marriage won’t work. As soon as you hear things you don’t wanna head you “get wound up” and threaten to go. Is this what it’s gunna be like throughout the rest of your marriage? Threatening to leave whenever he goes over to OW’s to see his child? Whenever she sends him pictures/videos of the child etc?

I just don't want him going to her house alone nor do I want them engaging in text tennis

WHY ARE YOU STAYING WITH HIM THEN?! He’s having a child with this woman ffs. If you can’t trust him going over to her house then don’t bloody stay with him!!! And as for the texts - again, he’s the mother of his baby. To expect them not to exchange regular conversation over text is absurd! You are being massively unrealistic and unfair here. Either deal with the fact he should spending plenty of time at her house and messaging her or walk away.

Get some self respect OP. I don’t say that because you’re staying with a man who’s cheated, I don’t think affairs are black and white and I have no issue with people staying together when one has cheated. But your attitude towards this baby, and your expectations regarding his contact with OW is unrealistic and shows you in a bad light and I feel as time goes on, it’ll actually push your husband away. Either you accept and forgive everything or you walk away.

bibibi this has been inflicted on the OP, she had no choice. Think what you like about ‘disgusting comments’ but the OW chose to have this baby, and is already using him as a weapon. It will just get more fucked up as time passes. The OP’s only responsibility is to her DC, and safeguarding their future.

I feel (and sincerely hope) OP will realise her H is no 'prize' to compete for - just another cheating twat. He's coming across as a gutless wonder, letting his poor wife turn herself inside out trying to facilitate solutions to the huge bombshell she's had dropped into her life.

If her H had any spine at all, he'd leave and live alone, having the DC frequently to give OP space and time to properly think it all through.

He is unlikely to be able to be daddy of the year to all children, expecially as the ow wants to exclude the other family...so choices have to be made and at least one poor child is going to suffer for the idiotic mistake of their dad and his piece on the side.

For all the talk of his duties towards both, I think this may be unfortunately correct. Shame on DH, shame on OW.

OP is a grown woman and can make her choices, including to leave a fuckwit husband and make her own life, women don't have to be dependent on useless men (I say that as a single parent).

The baby has no choice, it has one father who really should be allowed and encouraged to play a role in it's life.

The OPs dcs may suffer due to their dad fathering another child, but it doesn't have to be significant. They should be aware of their half sibling and able to have a relationship. Ops dcs have a great mother who cares about their welfare, it doesn't mean that their dad shouldn't treat all his children well though.

Keeping dad married to mum is likely to be more for OPs sake than the dc, he's already created another child, that can't be undone.

That's if it even is his child

I do agree with your sentiment Kenny. Just to add though this child is already born- he's been offered contact (just not on his terms) and hasn't chosen to meet his baby yet despite them already being 2 weeks old. From that perspective it may be that the poster upthread who said he may be only pretending he wants to know the baby because he thinks it makes him look better has a point. If he's able to pretend the child doesn't exist it doesn't say much for him or his commitment to contact. It may mean that it removes the child as a practical 'obstacle' in repairing the marriage but just urghh. Who could ever respect a man who turns his back on his child and know their marriage was based on what is effectively child abandonment. The description Sandy gave earlier made me feel a bit sick tbh.

I could not be with a man who abandons his child because I said so, takes two to tango yes OW continued with the pregnancy but the child is here now if he does that he could easily abandon his DC with you if he takes a fancy to another woman who doesn't want his DC. He's weak and not a good man, he's no prize keep your dignity and walk away.

I kind of agree with TwistedStitch although I think it's worse to start an erratic and conditional and unreliable relationship and then bail when the child is old enough to know him than just not be there at all.

Either makes the father a bit of a dirt bag though. The most ethical thing he could do is leave and focus on being a decent father to all his kids and build respectful co parenting relationships with both women while being alone but I don't think that's realistically likely.

Agree Alaaya especially with the last paragraph.

OP you are in a terrible position which is not of your making. However, you can choose to improve the situation. You can leave. Your dh can see all his children.

If you don't leave, can you honestly see your marriage surviving?

You are such a nice lady to be stressing about the new baby that your DH has created with OW. I couldn’t forgive after an affair and also in the mix there’s a new baby.
You have said you don’t want to split and mainly for security and your DC. That’s totally understandable. I would struggle with this as I’m a sahm and look after 4 children. I haven’t worked in years due to the children. I do have a house which both our names are on but it would scare me how I would cope alone if we ever split. However the children’s and my mental health is important and if this had happened it would really screw them up. The affair could be hidden from them I’m sure but the new baby??? How is that explained.
DH.... does his parents and family members know?

Your DC are young still but as the grow they will become pretty confused.

My issue as I have 2 girls and 2 boys is that as a role model particularly to the girls would be that if this happens you should roll over like many woman in past decades were socially expected to do. No that would not be what I wanted my girls to see and think was ok. Totally wrong. The affair was awful in the first place.
You said he saw the BC I just feel uncomfortable that he knew so much on one sleeping together occasion. Honestly it doesn’t sit right. Yes you said it was an EA and that they had sex once but I think he’s minimising it all. He’s obviously been to her house many times. He knows where things are etc. She if she wanted to hurt you could say that they did it everyday and all the details to hurt you and you wouldn’t know what to believe. She wants you to leave him yes but she also doesn’t want to upset him too much or land him in too much as he will hate her and that’s not her plan. Her attacking you via message are silly words and not even registering in you DH mind however if she went into things about the two of them etc he would then be more angry with her and turn on her as she’s getting him in trouble.

Like everyone has said you will be fine after time and will not look back if you left but as you said you want to work on your marriage. I just think it’s going to be torment for you and your DC who you are trying to protect.

You’ve also given a big signal to your DH that you will forgive affairs and also this devastating life changing consequence.

Unfortunately like the others have said.... the baby isn’t yours you actually have no legal role in dictating/organising any conditions etc.
This is something you really have no control in. That really hurts as with all your replies this is exactly what you are trying to do and it’s not your place. If you can’t accept that you need to kick him out.

The money that he will now have to pay her and Christmas/birthdays, school trips, holidays, clothes, and whatever else will come from what should have been in your family. It’s a significant amount don’t kid yourself about it. You will obviously be worse off and yes you seem to believe you will if he left but he will have to pay you more as you have 2DC and also you. I think you need to take time and work out what is truly best for you and DC. You will resent him and it will show in the family home.
Please get legal advice. You could just ignore and get skilled up etc to then be more independent. Meet people etc.

The ball is in DH court on what contact he wants. You shouldn’t be agonising over this as you have no say apart from get out to the DH.

I feel for you as this is a nightmare situation with an innocent baby involved.

The ow sounds nasty and may have trapped him but he choose to shag her and unprotected endangering you and any future children you may want. Husbands can only be “stolen” if they want to be.
She is angry and we honestly don’t know what crap he was telling her and tbh he really isn’t to be trusted. They has an emotional and physical affair. He would have told her he loved her etc. She probably was led to believe that his marriage was crap and he was leaving you and he may have said it was over and he was living with you atm. Who knows the truth. She’s angry and should be but at him. She should be angry at herself for being such a dick! Who gets with a married man when you know about it? Seriously that’s a recipe for
disaster.

OP
You haven’t done anything wrong! This is not your fault air you stress to sort out. He had fucked with yours and all of his DC lives. What a shit!

Take some time out for yourself, get out and meet others at toddler groups, join a gym/ hobby etc create a network as your family are not nearby so when/if you leave him in time you are supported. You may realise there’s more to life than his shit and realise you don’t need him much sooner.
Good luck
XxxxxxX

Really, the only way to proceed happily after something like this would be for OP to accept that her H is a fanny rat and stop trying to police where he puts his dick. I'm not necessarily advocating that (because it doesn't sound like something OP could handle) but I can't see any other option that won't be hugely stressful for all concerned. If DC grow up with the concept that families come in different shapes and sizes and that this is OK, they are less likely to be traumatized than if their childhood is full of anguish, surveiilance, suspicion and distress.

@Chaoticpenguin

Op has said from the start that she has no intention of leaving right now. Therefore I feel advice to leave is probably a waste of people’s time and effort. Additionally we do not know op or her husband and have no real way of knowing if they can or can’t work through this terrible time. If op wants to give her husband that opportunity, who are we to tell her she’s wrong? It doesn’t mean she has to then stay if he began cheating on her with every Tina, Debbie and Harriet.

Their relationship may work. Her husband might be wallowing in (self caused) misery and regret. He might cherish any chance she gives him and prove himself to be a faithful husband going forward. I don’t know...but I do know people who’ve rebuilt a relationship after an affair.

The complicating factor is the baby. I personally don’t think op should dissuade or encourage her husband either way. He needs to make the decision to be in contact or not. Not being in contact will be more likely to save his existing family. Being in contact will be more likely to end in stress and prolonged agony for his existing family. At the other side of this is a baby who may or may not grow up without a dad.
It’s a cruel choice, but probably one that’s going to have to be made.

OW loves this man too. She looks like she’s going to try to fight for him. So I think op is reasonable when she asks for a third party to be present at visitations or for visitation to occur in a public place. It won’t stop ow from trying or DH from cheating again, but it will ease the pain and anguish the existing family feel when daddy goes off to see his other family, and I think that’s important. Why should ow after the part she played in this, be now the person that everyone has to bow to having their needs met.
She chose to continue with a pregnant where the father was a married man. She’s not stupid, she knew the possible outcomes. I am all for giving the DH the slagging off they deserve, but can’t stand this ‘the ow didn’t have loyalties to you’ attitude. I’m a woman and I would not even consider getting involved with a married man, especially if he fed me the classic bullshit. Different of course if they don’t tell you they are married in the first place and lead you to believe they are single, but ow in this case knew about op and worse; knew about the babies.

Just to add, it doesn’t sound like the ow would have given a shit if The DH had left his wife for her and ceased contact with his family. I think OP is brave and generous to have even considered the ow and her baby at all.

I agree with everything Vuripadexo said on her Sunday 21.29 post.

Stand back from OW and baby until the paternity is established and then take it from there.

DBML post yesterday said it so much better than I could. OW is as much to blame as DH. I feel sorry for the baby cause I dread to think

@TwistedStitch

Just to add though this child is already born- he's been offered contact (just not on his terms) and hasn't chosen to meet his baby yet despite them already being 2 weeks old

To me, that makes it even worse. Given the fact the OP admitted she doesn’t even like it when he talks about the ow or the child as it upsets her, I imagine he hasn’t seen the baby because he knows it’ll upset the OP. Which is ridiculous. He now has a newborn baby and needs to step up and be a responsible parent towards the baby, and if the OP wants to stay married to this man, she has to allow him to do that. If she can’t handle it, she needs to leave. He can still be a parent to all of his children but if the OP continues to not allow her husband to even talk about his baby, then unfortunately there will be a child who misses out.

Who could ever respect a man who turns his back on his child and know their marriage was based on what is effectively child abandonment

I completely agree with this.
It says a lot about the OP if she is happy to remain with a man who would be willing to turn his back on this innocent baby.