DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

[Lovelytea]

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

When your OH has an affair, everyone has an opinion.
Everyone tells you what to do.
It’s a bit like when you have a new baby and get everyone else’s opinion, whether you ask for it or not. You have to find your own way instead of how to mother.

Same with the affair stuff. Block out what everyone else says and listen to your own gut.

And OP I feel you hold ALL the cards here. House, DC's your DH loves, you, life you planned.

OW has nothing really, except a DC she decided to have, on her own, with a married man.

Lovelytea, I hope you find a solution and peace in this situation.

IMO, any woman or man who knowingly participates in an affair is scum. Yes, their loyalty is not to you however it takes a certain person to try and destroy soneones established relationship and that kind of person deserves no sympathy or attention. And then to badmouth you when you were the only one not in the wrong! I would also be fuming!

I feel for you, as nasty as it is, I could not stay in a relationship with a man who cheated on me and fathered a baby by another woman, IF and it is a big if, I was convinced to work on the marriage it would come at the cost of the affair baby. I would not tolerate any involvement (bar legal financial support -begrudgingly).

It is not the fault of the baby, no. However I would not be able to separate the baby from the affair. It literally would be a me or the baby situation. I understand that I will likely be flamed for that.

Let him come up with the solutions to fix this issue and keep declining until he figures one out that suits you. If he cannot, then maybe walk away?

Does he actually want to be an active parent or is he just saying what he believes you want to hear?

Not really relevant but a man I worked with had a child with a lady he worked with, he wasn’t remotely interested in being a parent but kept up the weekly visits so as to not look bad. He kept this up for a few years at a great personal cost to himself (he really resented those 2 hour visits!).
He eventually met a lady who openly detested children. He stopped visiting the child within weeks of starting a relationship with her and has had no contact since, it has been 5 years now. He still pays maintenance as a legal obligation though.

It is a known fact that generally fathers find it easier to walk away from their children than mothers do and I wonder how many men are sticking around because it is expected of them rather than a case of actually really wanting to?

If he offers not seeing the baby as a viable solution, would you accept it?

Again, sorry this is happening to you, it really must be destroying you mentally.

What a horrible situation your husband has created for you OP. I really feel for you. No need to rush into decisions. My two pence worth is that the women I've known who've stood by an adulterous husband have ended up very unhappy and bitter. It's never going to be possible to reverse his infidelity and the child will be a constant reminder of it. I hope you can find a path that suits you best and you are happy in time

@thisisnotadriveby sorry but I have personal experience of a father who didn't keep in contact with his 'mistake' child. He did so at the request of his new wife. It has had a profound effect on the child who he never saw, she's now a very unstable adult with alcohol problems.

Please don't punish a child to suit adult relationships, much as I feel really sorry for the OP.

Just to say, I have also known DC of fathers that walked away, there is no shortage of them and they are not raging alcoholics. It does more damage being forced into a relationship with someone who doesn't care about you really. Living a lie and the damage that does to self esteem and worth.

@Snowballs4ever surely if a man is convinced not to see his child by anyone then he didn’t really care anyways. In instances like that I would argue that it is better to have no father than a father who can happily forget about and go on with his life without you.

Which is my point, OP needs to establish if her DH actually wants this baby in his life or is he just saying it to keep up his good parent image. If he is doing it for images sake then most of this heartache for OP can be avoided with no contact but that is her DH’s decision and not hers.

My Dad did this - he got a woman pregnant. Left us. Fought for his money back. Had two more with 'her'. Tried to call it a blended family - no way.
Did house (with a payout from richer family members) to Mum on the condition his half got to me and my brother.

Didn't work. Mum married an abuser who took the lot and gave it to his own kids. Dad is a lonely old man who has no contact with any of his 5 biological and two step.

I have met him twice in 25 years since then. He's still as lovely and as charming as I remember my dad to be but the over riding evidence is that he doesn't give a fuck.

I have to agree with Snowballs here.

I am the product of an affair. My father was married, but had a very long affair with my mother, it seems he also had one with another woman at the same time too!

Anyway, as he was married with children, I was abandoned by him completely, I believe a choice made by my mother and him.

As a result, I have many MH issues, thankfully I do not have abuse problems, but I do have issues with trust and forming lasting relationships due to this.
I also have a strained relationship with my mother about this, and it's still something we cannot talk about.

It's all very well for people to advise to just cut the baby out of his life and go on as normal, but this baby is a human being. I find that advise awful and cruel and devoid of any thought that this baby is an innocent and deserves to at least have some relationship with his father.

Sometimes we have to think of ourselves and our families. Regardless of innocence, a lovechild is a threat to the existing family. Emotional, financial and all of the inbetween, its not it’s fault but it is what it is. To pretend otherwise is unproductive.

If all we went through life trying not tread on anyone elses feelings, no one would be happy. Should OP’s children have to have their livelihoods tarnished because of resources being sucked elsewhere, possibly even losing their live-in father? They are innocent too. The needs of the many and all that.

I know I sound harsh, but I would protect my loved ones at the expense of anyone and everyone even an innocent baby. But if I was in the OP’s shoes, I would leave. She doesn’t sound like she will so other options most be explored even if they are not ones that the majority would do.

Tararabumdeay and bethy

All very gruesome events as a result of not being faithful.

Poor OP reading all this; look after your own OP. New baby has mother we assume devoted and doing her best having been left high and dry.

@Thisisnotadriveby

I agree with everything you’ve said.

Yeah, one of my close friends is the product of an affair. In his case, father spent a number of years during his early childhood blowing hot and cold depending on the needs of his W/friend's SM, so he would have a period of a lot of contact which might abruptly stop, then would suddenly start again. Then at some point he just cut contact and only sent money.

Friend is massively messed up about it, and pretty resentful. Has had various addiction problems and a lot of therapy. Lots of trust issues and struggles with relationships. He blames his F and SM. I've posted on one of these threads and told this story before and been told he's wrong and should blame his DM but I think that's just unrealistic. Having said that, I think he would have been better off had his F just vanished before he was born - the inconsistent contact, and the deeply conditional love with constantly changing rules was the killer as far as I can tell.

what has dh said about all this?

@thisisnotadriveby I just think that this man should be encouraged to have a relationship with his child. His child will most likely always want to know him even if he's not raising them everyday. It can be heart breaking for life if a parent choses not to know you. I feel really sorry for OP but she's a grown adult and can make choices but the child can't.

My father didn't abandon me but I was lied to about half siblings and denied a relationship so adults could have a 'clean' marriage. It was a cruel decision and at times I despise them for their selfishness.

As unfair as it is, and it is the mother who chooses to have a baby by a married man is ultimately responsible for bringing a child into world without a dedicated father.

@Snowballs4ever If DH really wants contact then he should definitely not be impeded, however if he doesn’t want contact for whatever reason then problem solved. Except the financial issue of course. I am not endorsing making him walk away! I telling OP to make sure that he actually wants this child in his life before anything is arranged as so much hurt could be avoided if he doesn’t.

Some men just try and sing all the right tunes to try and keep their good guy image and that tune will change depending on who they speak too. Which is why he was able to play with two womens hearts. OP needs to work out which words are true and which words are just said for his own benefit. Which will be hard since he is a probpven liar and probably won’t come clean about all his transgressions, only those he is caught out on.

He knows his wife is a lovely woman, he knows she is caring and he will do his best to play the “always caring” father role in front of her, this act would usually appeal to her maternal nature but now it will hurt her since the child he is “so caring” for is a source of pain to his wife. He could just be saying these things in a desperate attempt to not forfeit his image, in which case all he is doing is unkwowingly causing more unnecessary grief to his wife.

She needs to work out what he really wants, if he really wants to be in this kids life then he needs to be committed for a life-long relationship knowing that he will harm his existing family in the progress but prepared to balance everything. Totally on him.

If he doesn’t want a relationship, better to do it now before the baby knows him and just get the financial side of things sorted.

Definitely not saying OP should put her foot down and stop this, I am saying she needs to sort fact from fiction and get her DH to tell her what he actually wants to do and how he is going to do it.

I can live with being despised by some kid that I do not know and don’t want to know, but I couldn’t live with causing my own DC any sort of harm at the cost of another child. My family will always take precedence over anyones feelings.

A relative split with her partner.
Their child was about 6 months.
Not longer after that it turns out he'd got 2 more children of a similar age. (Different women)
Mum got in contact and encouraged contact between siblings.
Dad never bothered with any of them. And he died at 40
The child is now a lovely happy 18 year old.

I would give yourself sometime to get your head rounds what's happened.
It gets easier but it will take time.
Loads of couples go through betrayal and come out the other side better stronger and happier.
It takes a lot of work.
You don't hear about it but it happens.
Op said she didn't want to here any 'LTB' remakes in the first post.
I can understand exactly where op is coming from with regards to ow.
Dh wants nothing more to do with ow and is working on the marriage.
Ow is still trying ( and failing to have a steady relationship with someone op's dh).

Op loves her husband. Everyone goes through bad times sometimes.
Just give it time.

I think, OP, that you need to stop trying to reconcile a situation in which you are not the person holding the cards and in which those holding them do not want to go along with your ideas. Your DH’s baby with his OW is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to yourself amd to your own children. Do not attempt to bring this new baby into your home. Leave the baby where it is, with its mother. Let your DH visit the baby, and adjust to this new reality. You cannot control his feelings about the new baby - you must let him find his own feelings about this new situation.

OP has not suggested cutting contact with the child, quite the opposite. Despite not wanting to hear LTB she also says she wishes she had the fuck him attitude prevalent on MN AND that she is terrified of being alone. She hasn't said she loves or forgives him but she must be so torn up and angry right now why would she?

Lovelytea needs to work out what SHE wants as she owes nobody in this scenario anything (incl the baby she has said would be welcome in her home) she has already given a shit ton more acceptance and willingness to sacrifice her own feelings than most would have the strength to..

OP deserves better

she deserves better of course she does. But op needs to realise this herself. She needs to find the strength herself to leave her fuckwit, husband. This is what needs to be done, but op is not strong enough (yet) to do this.

OP, I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

I have skimmed a lot of the thread but I'm not sure if you are working or not.

I think you should see a lawyer ASAP to find out what your situation would be if you split now, or in a few months/years time, and how this will be affected if you return to work or don't. It might help you make decisions about your work, home and relationship that will have a huge impact on the future of your DC.

Clearly the OW and your DH cannot be trusted to look after your interests or your DC's.

I wish you strength and send my wishes for a happy future on the other side of this shitstorm.

I hope today is a better one for you OP

You're a stronger person than me OP.

I have a close friend who decided to do as OP is suggesting and make the other child part of the family. The effect on her own children was profound. They were confused little ones and bitterly resentful young adults who actively hate their father and the OW. Protect your own DC OP, you have no responsibility to the other child.