Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

999 replies

Lovelytea · 30/12/2018 19:50

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

OP posts:
mrsjg · 01/01/2019 15:23

Pressed post too early

I feel sorry for the baby cause it's going to be a pawn between all of you for years to come

TwistedStitch · 01/01/2019 15:31

Why should ow after the part she played in this, be now the person that everyone has to bow to having their needs met.

Whilst I agree with this sentiment the same could be said in reverse. OP's husband chose to have an affair and have unprotected sex with someone else-why should the OW bow to his contact demands because it makes his life easier?

deepwatersolo · 01/01/2019 15:32

I can actually understand if DH does not want to see the baby in the presence of OW. OW didn‘t just breach trust by rubbing OP‘s face in stuff that was between them, OW badmouthed DH‘s existing DC! That makes it pretty clear OW would prefer to cut off those children, with whom DH already has a bond, from their dad. It is tragic but until OW is decent to the family she tried to blow apart, her baby will suffer the consequences.

TwistedStitch · 01/01/2019 15:35

I can understand him not wanting to see OW too. But all those posts saying that she shouldn't get to call the shots after what she did, same goes for him. More so in fact because he is not currently the primary carer and possible sole food source of a newborn.

VictoriaFarmer · 01/01/2019 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Alaaya · 01/01/2019 15:42

It is tragic but until OW is decent to the family she tried to blow apart, her baby will suffer the consequences.

See, attitudes like this make me angry. We don't live in the 19th century. We don't believe children should be punished for the actions of their parents.

A child has the right a relationship with both their parents, regardless of whether their mother is the Virgin Mary or the Whore of Babylon. And if someone decides to treat a child badly based on the behaviour of their parent, the person responsible for that harm is not the parent or the child. It's the person doing that harm. So if OP's DH decides to shirk his responsibilities as a parent and fuck off and send minimum CM when he can be arsed, then that is on him. Not OW. Not OP either TBH. The person who chooses to be a shit bag.

deepwatersolo · 01/01/2019 15:48

Twisted OW does get to call the shots, though. She can decide how much contact her baby gets with his father. It is all in her hands right now. Once the child is older courts can help making contact. But for now OW calls the shots, and there is nothing left but to leave her to it.

DBML · 01/01/2019 15:50

Whilst I agree with this sentiment the same could be said in reverse. OP's husband chose to have an affair and have unprotected sex with someone else-why should the OW bow to his contact demands because it makes his life easier?

I don’t think people should bow to the DH’s contact demands. The OP requested a mediator or public meetings and I believe this is a fair compromise.

I don’t think the DH should go to ow house. I don’t think DH should bring the baby home to his house. Both need to compromise now.

DBML · 01/01/2019 15:52

See, attitudes like this make me angry. We don't live in the 19th century. We don't believe children should be punished for the actions of their parents.

No one is suggesting the child should be punished. But the child will undoubtedly suffer to some extent and no one is to blame for that, other than the two selfish people who created that child.

deepwatersolo · 01/01/2019 15:54

*Alaaya^ of course a child has a right to both parents, but as OW currently obstructs this right by behaving abysmally, this will be for the courts to solve, once the kid is older. I very much doubt visits of DH where the baby is just there as a pawn so OW can denigrate DC, OP are of any value to a prelingual baby.

DBML · 01/01/2019 15:55

Twisted OW does get to call the shots, though. She can decide how much contact her baby gets with his father. It is all in her hands right now. Once the child is older courts can help making contact. But for now OW calls the shots, and there is nothing left but to leave her to it.

Op also has a very tiny baby, so I disagree. If OW is trying to call the shots and they are unreasonable i.e. the DH must visit her at her house and alone, she may be the person who ends up pushing the DH to decide ‘no contact’ then.
This scenario is going to require a lot of give and take - from all parties including the ow.

DBML · 01/01/2019 15:58

*Alaaya^ of course a child has a right to both parents, but as OW currently obstructs this right by behaving abysmally, this will be for the courts to solve, once the kid is older. I very much doubt visits of DH where the baby is just there as a pawn so OW can denigrate DC, OP are of any value to a prelingual baby.

Spot on

deepwatersolo · 01/01/2019 16:00

DBML that was my point. OW being unreasonable in her demands or behaviour to the point DH rejects contact is calling the shots in a way. It is in her hand to decide whether a vendetta is worth screwing up baby‘s chances for relationship of DH with baby (at least until kid is old enough that courts can secure some contact.)

deepwatersolo · 01/01/2019 16:01

Ah crosspost

DBML · 01/01/2019 16:09

DBML that was my point. OW being unreasonable in her demands or behaviour to the point DH rejects contact is calling the shots in a way. It is in her hand to decide whether a vendetta is worth screwing up baby‘s chances for relationship of DH with baby (at least until kid is old enough that courts can secure some contact.)

Sorry, I did get that when I reread your post. You are quite right.

Alaaya · 01/01/2019 16:11

I very much doubt visits of DH where the baby is just there as a pawn so OW can denigrate DC, OP are of any value to a prelingual baby.

To be fair, I do agree with that. For the first six months, baby needs reliable consistent caregivers who are always there, which means mum. Absent dad will have no effect. Then probably meetings at OW's house, with OW and baby present so baby can be introduced to dad in a safe environment, slowly building up to visits away.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 01/01/2019 16:14

The baby isn't going to care or even notice if its father is there for at least a year. So if the OW is seeking to use contact to pursue her relationship with the OP's husband rather than support her child's relationship with him and its half siblings, he might as well go no contact and spend that time trying HARD to fix his marriage and pursuing her through the courts for formal access when the child is old enough.

deepwatersolo · 01/01/2019 16:24

With a 6 months old baby I do not see the need to have the meetings at home, Alaaya. Either way, given OW‘s lack of respect for DC and OP, to the point where DH cut contact, it is reasonable to moderate this transition period until Baby can go unsupervised with some mediator.

Oceanbliss · 01/01/2019 16:25

Forgive me I haven't read the full thread. If the ow has only given birth 2 weeks ago then she may not feel up to leaving the house to meet up with your dh. Everybody's birth experience is unique to them. She is still recovering from birth, she is single parenting a newborn right from the start and that must be very hard work and exhausting not having someone sharing that load. Maybe she is not ready to meet up outside her home but will be in a few weeks. I remember how exhausted and sleep deprived and emotional I was the first few weeks and I had a partner who could share some of the responsibilities when home from work. Also breastfeeding takes time to establish, mummy and newborn are learning together. My newborn took a long time to breastfeed in the beginning and was very frequently wanting to feed. After a few weeks she started getting more efficient at it. At this stage I can understand why she feels more comfortable with a visit at her home and I seriously doubt she wants to jump into bed and have sex with your dh two weeks after giving birth. I understand why you would be uncomfortable with dh going to her place alone too. Maybe in a few weeks, when she is recovered and settle in her parenting routine, she would be ready to meet at a neutral location.

Alaaya · 01/01/2019 16:32

deepwatersolo - generally my experience with small children is that you want to make introductions somewhere they feel safe with their primary caregiver - not handing them over to some random to pass over to a stranger.

deepwatersolo · 01/01/2019 16:36

Alaaya I am pretty sure OW can manage to come along to the playground when baby is 6 months old, to meet DH plus some mediator who may help OW keep her pottymouth in check. Wink

Beansandcoffee · 01/01/2019 16:41

To all of the posters saying they couldn’t stay with a man who abandoned his child.
Let’s be honest here there are many many men who walk away from pregnant girlfriends, partners, wives, kids who then start a new relationship and do not regularly see their current kids. Therefore there are many many women who are happy to accommodate these men. Looking at MNet these women are not on here ........yeah I bet.

ReanimatedSGB · 01/01/2019 16:43

Whatever the truth (ie whether OW is a manipulative witch who 'stole' a poor helpless man, or the DH is a selfish liar who enjoys having women fight over him) OP cannot control the OW or demand obedience from her. OW and her newborn can do as they see fit, and right now their rights trump those of the H, and of the OP, who has none whatsoever with regard to the baby.

MariaNovella · 01/01/2019 16:49

OP cannot control the OW or demand obedience from her. OW and her newborn can do as they see fit.

I said similar upthread and it’s a point that needs repeating because many posters, and the OP, haven’t grasped it.

deepwatersolo · 01/01/2019 16:51

Spot on Bean. Also, this focus on how new baby needs daddy while OP should just walk away and be a single mum to DC... Would sure be interesting to know how many of people with this perspective have been OW at some point.