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Original poster

DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

999 replies

Lovelytea · 30/12/2018 19:50

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 31/12/2018 18:07

And lots of posters on this thread are doing the same!

SirVixofVixHall · 31/12/2018 18:07

I agree with Helmet. You are very hard on yourself and expect a saintly level of perfection that is surely not possible for anyone.

SoaringSwallow · 31/12/2018 18:11

@bethy15 Well if you have a discussion about contraception with your girlfriend and where she agrees to take BC herself because she doesn't like him wearing condoms then decides to come off it but not tell him, despite knowing he absolutely doesn't want children for the next two years due to university and professional training, yes, you are tricking someone.

SnuggyBuggy · 31/12/2018 18:12

OP maybe just focus on getting through each day, no need to rush to any decisions

Christmasisforadults2 · 31/12/2018 18:14

@bethy15 a decision for her child not just because she's entitled. The fact a women is grow the child doesn't give her a right.

Slothslothsloth · 31/12/2018 18:17

What's your agenda here exactly

I had a weak mother too, who stayed with a man she obviously should have left. And I despise her.

TwistedStitch · 31/12/2018 18:19

The fact a women is grow the child doesn't give her a right.

A right to do what?

Youbrokemytwatometer · 31/12/2018 18:23

I had a weak mother too, who stayed with a man she obviously should have left. And I despise her.

And your projection is despicable. How dare you try and guilt trip OP based on your own childhood.

Laiste · 31/12/2018 18:23

OP i think a lot of the debate around the OW and how much sympathy she does/doesn't deserve was started by a side discussion (of which there seem to be quite a few!) which was about the rights and wrongs of making a new mother hand over a breast fed baby for 'a few hours'. ((% of it wasn't meant to make you think you should be feeling sympathy.

It IS true that if you could genuinely see DH and OW in the same light and walk away and leave him to sort it out then your sanity would take less bashing.

You're trying to forgive the unforgivable and, more over, he's not suffering any consequences for his behavior. Oh actually he is - he's suddenly become your saviour when you have a bad day trying to cope with the uncopable crap he's putting you through and he's needed so badly by all the women around him Hmm To be the wonderful husband and the wonderful father. It makes me want to throw up. It's all wrong OP. He need throwing off a bloody bridge Flowers

Laiste · 31/12/2018 18:23

Sorry - that turned into a rant! Angry for you.

category12 · 31/12/2018 18:26

What Laiste said.

FestiveNut · 31/12/2018 18:31

I had a weak mother too, who stayed with a man she obviously should have left. And I despise her.

Oh my goodness. Stop being so horribly judgemental. A weak mother indeed. We are not discussing your childhood- this is a different situation with different people.

Slothslothsloth · 31/12/2018 18:38

Yes, so many children grow up grateful their mothers stayed with useless cheating men.

lilmishap · 31/12/2018 18:50

Sloth on this thread there are several anecdotes about people making it work.

JamAtkins · 31/12/2018 18:52

You are setting the bar massively high for yourself and shockingly low for other people. This baby is not your baby to look after. You can’t make your DH be less shit than he is. Over and over again he is telling you he is awful. Underwear indeed. He went over for sex, what difference does her underwear make? The OW is proving herself to be awful. You can’t be sweet to her and expect her to suddenly start cross stitching a sampler of the 10 comandments. They are awful shitty people who have not considered you for a second. You need to consider you. Put yourself front and centre if your own life and let other people clean their own mess up.

adaline · 31/12/2018 18:55

OP, of course you're allowed to be angry, but you're directing it at the wrong person. The OW was, in all likelihood, lied to as well. I'm sure he said he was going to leave you/you hadn't been intimate in months/you slept in separate rooms etc etc.

The reason she sucked up to you then badmouthed you behind your back is because she's probably just as angry as you are. She's angry with your husband for lying to her, for staying with you and for picking your children over her and her newborn. She's dealing with that plus all the emotions of being a new mum.

Your husband is the one who betrayed you and your children. Be angry with him. Be furious. Then please consider walking away from this because things are never, ever going to go back to how they were. Your husband betrayed you in the worst possible way and you can't go back from that. The OW will always be in your life and so will her son, your husband's son.

He needs to see all his children and that means the OW will always be a part of your lives. They'll need to communicate - about money, doctor's appointments, clothes, nursery, school, classes, extra-curricular activities, parties, playdates, birthdays, Christmas - the list goes on. Your expectations of their future relationship are impossible - you simply cannot expect them never to text or be alone together again. They have a child together and that's what they need to focus on.

However like PP have said I don't think your marriage will ever recover and of course that's not your fault. But you need to think long-term - can you really live with this and stay happy in your marriage for the rest of your life?

Please put yourself first. Nobody else has Flowers

Ginger1982 · 31/12/2018 18:55

Hmm, yes Boris Becker's 'baby mama' for want of a better term really covered herself in glory there...

Slothslothsloth · 31/12/2018 19:00

Sloth on this thread there are several anecdotes about people making it work

Downtrodden women who believe they’ve made it work, or grown-up children posting about how glad they are their mother integrated daddy’s little indiscretions into their lives?

deepwatersolo · 31/12/2018 19:01

After googling, all I could find was that Boris Becker‘s daughter had been conceived by his sex partner using his semen in the condom to impregnate herself. If this is a lie bethy15 please provide the respective link, I can‘t find one. All I can find is that this does not free him of parental responsibilities.

deepwatersolo · 31/12/2018 19:03

Sloth I posted about one of this women. She is a scientist like her DH and hardly downtrodden. DD must be around 18 now.

TwistedStitch · 31/12/2018 19:05

Eh? Boris Becker acknowledged he had unprotected sex, he even started advertising condoms later with reference to his tryst and how lucky he was that he got a child and not a disease.

Slothslothsloth · 31/12/2018 19:06

OP in practical terms if you do leave, now or in the future, then both your kids and the OW’s baby can have pretty normal relationships with both their parents. If he does end up with the OW, it will be no different from your DC’s point of view than when parents divorce for other reasons then remarry. Your DC will presumably stay with you and stay with him EOW or whatever you prefer, and will come to know the baby as a half sibling. Isn’t that a more desirable, and actually less bizarre, outcome than the convoluted plans you’re making now for maintaining some paper-thin pretence of normality?

Hellolittlesunshinexxx · 31/12/2018 19:07

Op I know someone who was in a similar situation to your husband. I'm happy to tell you via private message how it's turned out.

ChristmasSprite · 31/12/2018 19:08

He had unprotected sex and everyone else paid dearly. It's not only about pregnancy,its also about taking STIs home to the woman you profess to love and swore public vows of fealty to.

All the web weaving he's done to two women and the risk he took with his DC.

No-one can tell OP what's best for her, only options to feel as good as possible and get as much as possible for herself to get through and come out the other side of this. The choices are hers. She's an adult and she's the only one to truly know this situation and to make the best decision s she can under her particular circumstances, which involve her DC and her well-being and homeless status and many other things. She is just surviving and needs empowering to enact her own wills and take control of hers and her DCs little lives.

She's doing admirably despite how she feels, she is still managing for her DC.

Calvinsmam · 31/12/2018 19:11

I agree 100% with sloth