DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

[Lovelytea]

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

All this nonsense of "he probably lied to her..." so what. Whatever lie he spun...she knew he was married. She knew when the OP was pregnant.

Pp need to stop making excuses for women who become the OW..

If they're stupid enough to fall for lies...then whatever happens is 100% their fault.

It always seems the man is the big bar wolf and the OW was helpless...falling for a pack of lies. It just makes women sound stupid if we continue with that notion.

Both the OPs H...and the OW are each 100% responsible for this mess.

Their irresponsible actions will impact on so other innocent people.... your children included .

Not judging you. But trying to stop you falling into the toxic narrative trap. A lot of your opinions on her are based on:
DH’s account which is likely to be geared towards laying the blame on her
Social media
Angry texts when she realised she would be left alone

The toxic narrative is telling you she isn’t hurting (you know she is) and she deserves all of this. What we are telling you is to let go of these perceptions because they are HURTING you and allowing you to continue to hate her. You need to stop focusing on how much you hate her and any kind of revenge (concious or otherwise) because rhis is not about empathy or sympathy for her. She has human feelings and you know she isn’t ‘evil’.

Her reality isn’t what you have made up in your head. She is a single mum, all alone and has damaged her potential to meet a partner to marry by her bad choices. She will have to support herself and the child alone. She doesn’t have the other parent to help out in the night with feeds or having a shower. She WILL be feeling acutely horrible right now. And if you revel in that, then it feeds a dark/bad side of yourself - which comes from hurt and pain but continues to hurt you. Stop looking for validation or blame from this woman because you can’t and will never know how she really feels or what’s going on, you are only torturing yourself imagining it

perhaps she's learnt a harsh lesson

I imagine she has, and I agree she's behaved badly. There's no excuse for coming on to a person you know is married. But even so, has your husband learned a harsh lesson? Doesn't sound like it, and he deserves it even more than she does. He has you running round to make everything right for him, which he doesn't deserve at all. As I said before, leave him to do the hard work of sorting contact, or not. Don't add to your own agony to make his life easier.

He's not actually talking about OW or the baby at all at the moment. He avoids the subject because he knows it's upsetting for me.

As cruel as this sounds, as much as i do feel for the baby.. I feel for my own DC more. The baby doesn't know DH yet and doesn't have a bond like our DC have therefore is blissfully unaware. It will hurt my DC considerably more if he's suddenly out of the picture, than it will be hurting the new baby by not knowing his father yet.

Prepared to be flamed for saying that.

Listen, @Lovelytea , the decision to stay or not is YOURS. Not MNs, not mine! It's not for any one to judge your decision. Would I make the same decision? No. But I am not living your life you are, and you have to do what feels right to you right now. All I'll say is that you be sure to remember that your options are always open. Never feel trapped.

And no, I don't think you need to have one iota of sympathy for OW, she made her bed she can lie in it! You do have sympathy for the child, and that's what matters. And I'm not excusing your husband's role in this, but again, if you choose to forgive him, that's your decision.

I'm glad you're seeing your GP. I'm not sure if you're receiving counseling on your own, but if not you should. You need a safe space where you can vent every feeling you have whilst looking a safe, neutral someone in the eye.

I am all for putting the onus of contraception on men. But acting like saying you take the pill while not doing it is not trickery is idiotic. It is as much trickery as men removing the condom mid game or men doing a song and dance about TTC while having secretly gotten a vasectomy.
Some men and some women trick their sexual partners when it comes to BC. Let‘s not be infantile and deny this uncomfortable fact. Obviously not every unintended pregnancy is a trick, shit happens. But it is not like ‚this could never happen!‘ either. Heck, Boris Becker‘s one daughter was conceived by using the sperm he left in the condom.

OP I can see you won’t leave him now. But you must certainly leave him eventually. How can you think this situation is sustainable? How can you think your DC will not grow up to have contempt for all three of the adults who have failed them so badly?

Yes, he is the one most in the wrong of course, and you have been dealt a terrible hand. But I cant stop thinking about your poor children and the harm you are doing to them by involving them in this absolute mess on the pretext it is for their own good. Of course it isn’t. It is for your own good you’re doing this, as you can’t face him ending up with the OW. Admit this to yourself.

I hope in time you will get the courage to do what is right for your children. They can still have a normal childhood. But you must leave. This man clearly does not respect them or you. And you clearly do not respect yourself.

It will hurt my DC considerably more if he's suddenly out of the picture, than it will be hurting the new baby by not knowing his father yet

So short-sighted. You act as if children don’t grow up and see their parents for what they are. If you stay they will inevitably grow to despise him, and they will hate you for your weakness too, you can depend on that. Why should you pay for his mistake?

Seriously, how is it helpful for the OP for every other post to be hounding her to leave her husband? Show her some sympathy and give it a rest.

Do you know what lovelytea you're too good for this crap. Whatever you do please try and just carve out some mental and emotional space JUST for you and your children. They deserve your attention and undoubted kind heart and spirit and you theirs. I hate the arguments about blame in these situations but please don't give your energy to people who really don't deserve it.
Your life, your future, your happiness - whatever road you choose to take. I think you're incredibly brave to come onto MN and engage with so many different opinions, I think you're brave full stop really.
Good luck to you - find some space, find your feet - you will be OK.

You will not be flamed by me . We all look after our children first. This is the second comment where you feel bad for not feeling sympathy for ow or baby.

I think you need to find your anger towards him . Avoiding talking about it is also a ridiculous approach as this baby is here now.

I will also say children are highly adaptable . We left my ex at 10 months tbh my Ds never seemed to notice just enjoyed the excitement of been somewhere new.

If they're stupid enough to fall for lies...then whatever happens is 100% their fault.

Not saying I believe this, but then isn't it the same for a married woman? If she falls for her husbands lies, like in this instance, he's working late, then is it the married woman's fault for believing those lies too?

Why did she think it was a good idea to continue with the pregnancy when she knew your DH was married?

Maybe because there's more to creating a life then if the father is a total scumbag?
Perhaps when she got pregnant she wanted the baby, as she is entitled to do.

Of course you care more for your own children, as is right for you to do, and she will care more for her baby, it's natural.

I think you'll need to talk about it at some point, it's all going to explode if not and you all keep avoiding it.

His lack of talking about seems to me that he is seeing the child and mother anyway, otherwise he's even worse scum.

sandyy2k we can't all go round assuming everyone is lying to us and if we dont spot very well spun lies we are stupid. Talk about victim blaming.

D'h' is the one in control here, and thebine that cheated on his wife, broke his wedding vows attempted to destroy his family so he could have his cake and eat it!

No married man says he does on his wife and they have greatvsex and will never leave, to someone they want affair with, as that's actually the stupidest thing to believe.

Men, after it, can be extremely convincing conmen.

Maybe they have all been impregnated OW at one point, NotDavidTennant.

...and db may well not be his

Entitled to bring a child in the world with one parent? To bring a child in the world who with grow up with daddy issues and problems with half siblings. Entitled to bring a child into the world who with have worth issues?
Nope that doesn't give you entitlement.
Fathers who walk away and are abusive are one thing, but to have a child and think that they will be forever ok that they only have you isn't true. And it's selfish.

Seriously, how is it helpful for the OP for every other post to be hounding her to leave her husband

It’s helpful because that’s what she needs to do. It’s the only possible course of action that won’t make things worse and where she and her children can still come out relatively okay. Any other advice is just pointless, and in fact is cruel, as it’s giving her hope that there’s a way through this that doesn’t involve leaving.

But I agree she doesn’t seem to be in the right headspace to do it yet.

She's a prize isn't she. Targeted a married man and managed to get pg. he is equally a prince. Whoever can aping at that time and showed him enough attention he would have knobbed. No doubt about that!

They deserve each other.

Op you deserve happiness wherever you find it x

He's avoiding the issue because it suits him for op to direct her anger towards the ow and not him.

As cruel as this sounds, as much as i do feel for the baby.. I feel for my own DC more

Er why would that be cruel? It’s utterly normal and reasonable. Would counselling help op? Your expectations of yourself seem very high- when your expectations of your dh horribly/justifiably low.

Heck, Boris Becker‘s one daughter was conceived by using the sperm he left in the condom

This is untrue, and was another one of Boris Becker's lies, to try to get out of his responsibilities as a father.

@Christmasforadults2

Yes,every woman who is pregnant is entitled to make the decision to keep or abort the pregnancy.

Of course you care about your own children more op, as you should, for all the reasons you gave. The new baby isn’t your responsibility, he is for his two feckless parents to worry about.
Just focus on yourself, and your own little dcs.

You act as if children don’t grow up and see their parents for what they are. If you stay they will inevitably grow to despise him, and they will hate you for your weakness too, you can depend on that. Why should you pay for his mistake?

So now you know OP's children best? Everything you write seems to be FACT. What's your agenda here exactly?