DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

[Lovelytea]

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

I just hope you know and can demand that your stance is paramount in this. That the relationship 'recovery' [by him] is on your terms, and that means you being supported to recover from his abuses of your trust and pain he's inflicted. That your well-being is crucial to the success and damage limitation of your DC and family.

He has to step up, or not. From hereonin life will be different and you will be master of your own destiny. You will lead your life doing what you need to rebuild and get stronger from this.

I know its horrific trying to process everything, hence the feelings last night when trying to sleep, and how raw everything is out in the open being discussed, but this will pass as your brain moves through and finds its own place with everything, as you will, and you keep talking and listening to your own voice of what's best for you, you will keep growing and strengthening from it.

You are doing this already. You are amazing. You have posted and enlisted comment from others and have listened and are processing so much, and keeping your DC at the centre of your priorities, which also helps you.

Yes, get involved with plenty of groups, and get your support counselling asap. He can set up any couples stuff, and his own, you have enough to contend with. In all this, he had all the control, and everything. Now he's lost it, your turn to take up the reins, and whatever form that takes, whether lo g term you stay or not can only be because it works for you.

If it doesn't work for you and causes harm to you, this will be the same for the DC, no matter how hard you try to not let it.

Keep strong.

Baby is not missing out on relationship with dad at this stage. Let ow settle in to being a mum. She absolutely should not be letting baby go when he's so small. DH can make arrangements when she is ready to meet on neutral location. Maybe 6 months time. He needs to focus on rebuilding his relationship with you.

Regarding the lingerie scenario: it happens. When my dad and uncle were married men in their 20‘s a neighbour in her 40‘s invited them to check out her color TV. When they came over, neighbour was waiting for them in her lavender lingerie. It was one of the stories I grew up with.

If the story is true (big if), though, considering the premeditation on her.part I would suspect being ‚trapped‘ if I were DH (who is still fully responsible for what he did, and on top of it without a condom, obviously).

LovelyTea - do your parents and your husband's parents know what has happened? That your husband/their son has fathered a child with somebody else?

What do they say about it and are they supporting you?

If they don't know - they should be told. It's NO reflection on you at all if that's what you're worried about. The baby is here and they need to know.

She pounced on him in her lingerie yet he still had time to check out her contraceptive pills in the bathroom ??
He's full of shit

OP you sound like you are still processing the affair - believe me this will go on for years. I cannot fathom how you are going to manage with this baby and OW being part of your family for the rest of your lives , and still try to build a bridge over this

Oh, euw. I mean... I don't think I could ever let his penis anywhere near me again after that little lingerie story. That's the thing with infidelity. If I stayed in my marriage afterwards I'd be condemning myself to a sexless one.

I dunno. At this point I would be asking him to leave. You own kids will be adults one day and will understand why you did.

OP, I really hope you're not just staying with this man because you're worried that if you leave him, he will run off with her and start a new life?

I can't understand why you would tolerate and choose to live like this? It worries me and I don't even know you.

Grab your dignity with both hands, let him go and move into 2019 with a fresh outlook. I know you don't want to be told to leave him, but I don't want this to be your life from now on.

He has betrayed you far more than you are allowing yourself to face. He had a long standing, emotional affair with a women that wants to do nothing more than rub your face in it. You can't know for certain that it was only once that they had slept together just because you believe she would have told you otherwise. You have no idea what your husband has told her. It might not be a clear cut as that.
He is an adulterer.
He then recklessly and carelessly got her pregnant and now, you all suffer! But at least without him, the suffering will pass. With him, I truly believe it is going to be prolonged.

Please think about yours and your children's mental health. You deserve better. You deserve some peace. Please don't put your future happiness on this man, because I believe he will let you down. If you're frightened he will run into her arms, you knew where you stood all along.

you need to stop blaming her this it is on him all him. She didn't break your vows he did.

GP and Counselling for you and some space from your husband to sort out your feelings.

Also being a single parent isn't that bad, hard yes but not all bad.

I do wonder whether OW sits worrying about the situation and allows it to take as much head space, I don't think she will be doing at least not to the extent that I am.

It's easier for her because although she's a single parent she hasn't had her family torn apart. I bet she manages to find some silver linings from her perspective.

I do believe the lingerie story, one look at her social media gives the theory enough weight so I can only imagine what she does in private.

To previous posters suggesting op’s husband is solely to blame here, I don’t buy that. This ow knew what she was doing and whom with. They are as bad as one another in my opinion. A pair of selfish people who gave no thought to op or her new baby at the time!
Yet so many here, suggesting that the ow, as a new mum, is somehow deserving of consideration? No chance.
I accept she didn’t have loyalties to op, where her husband should have...but I asked myself, would I, could I do this to anyone else? And the answer is no. I would not sleep with a married man, with children. Not a chance.

Ow’s baby is likely to end up fatherless and the poor mite will grow up feeling abandoned...yet it is she equal to he, who has done this to her own child.
Op...you do NOT have to think about what is fair to any other children, other than your own. If you want to make a go of this relationship do it, and it’s not your job to give the new baby another thought. You can’t prevent your husband from seeing the baby, but neither do you have to encourage it. Yes you can ask that it happens somewhere other than the ow’s house, especially as it must feel so raw right now, and if that’s not convenient for ow, then tough.

Regardless what she does in private, your husband still had sex with her. What a likely story, he had no control! Ha what happens when the next woman comes along?!
HE tore your family apart. Although what she did was awful she had no loyalty to you. Your husband did.

Did he make an effort to meet his child today?

You need to stop taking all this out on her. She didn't make any vows to you. She didn't have any commitment to you. She didn't owe you anything.

Your husband on the other hand... he is the one who betrayed you and destroyed your family. Morally, she doesn't really have a leg to stand on but she didn't owe you any loyalty. He did. And he broke that. And now he's ignoring his child. This whole situation is just disgusting but you're helping him ignore his responaibilites to that child. Has he started paying maintenance?

This whole situation is just disgusting but you're helping him ignore his responaibilites to that child.

You must be kidding? If ow didn’t owe op anything...why on earth does op owe the ow now? If the husband chooses to ignore his new baby, that’s on him. I don’t think op should be guilted for that...after all, to repeat, she has no loyalty to ow and apparently who cares about morals?

I'm not helping him ignore his responsibility to his child at all. I'm not trying to prevent him seeing the baby and he's known since before the birth that I have no problem with him seeing the baby, the baby is welcome round our home when is old enough to be separated from mother for short periods of time.

I just don't want him going to her house alone nor do I want them engaging in text tennis when the content of her previous messages have been absolutely vile towards me and my DC. I haven't been unreasonable here, in fact I've been more than considerate and decent than she deserves from me when I've spoke to her in the past.

I couldn't give a damn how hormonal she might be feeling, just like she didn't afford me the same courtesy when she jumped in to bed with him knowing I'd just had a baby. Fuck her.

If she doesn't like the fact she's not being pandered to then perhaps she's learnt a harsh lesson about having children to married men who already have a family.

LovelyTea, he's done a number on you because you're mimicking his mindset and excusing his horrific behaviour (because you love him).

The lingerie story is pathetic. Picture this, you're a married woman in another man's bedroom. He comes out looking delicious. If you then had sex with him, would you blame your infidelity on the way he looked - or would you rightly blame it on the fact that you didn't value your marriage enough not to cheat?

Why is that different? Why are you making slurs against a woman who could have paraded naked in front of a faithful husband - and he wouldn't have made a move on her, would have turned and walked out. Your husband actively courted this affair.

I know you think that you love him and that your greatest wish is to make this all go away but it won't. Your husband has seen to that, made sure that this will drag his primary family into his mess forever after. Think about that. Most families don't have to consider a 'secondary' family. You do. Because of him. If he'd loved and valued you, he wouldn't have done this. There's no way around that.

You can excuse him if you want to but then excuse her too. He has done this to you.

The idea of him seeing the baby with these conditions is the ONLY way for you. And it’s shite. Why settle for this?

Why are you paying for this, emotionally and financially. Why?

Why are you so adamant she should have known better? Is your H mentally deficient in anyway to not have known better too?

For all you know they had a thing going on from the time you were pregnant!

Also always remember one hand cannot clap... it needs two. You seem to have taken everything you H has said and swallowed it gladly. She might not be a nice person... but pillow talk is a thing and he might have filled her right up about leaving you etc.

I can't imagine a woman involved in a one sided EA... I thought emotional affairs required outpouring of feelings and them usually being reciprocated.

Have you had STI checks?

Im surprised he didn't say he tripped and fell in her vagina penis first and the fall was so bad he forgot his condom.

I've read more convincing stories elsewhere. He's clearly taking you for a mug.

Also her social media... so what? I bet he looked there too.

^Lying From what I gather OW bashed OP (and her DC ?) to her face, so I don‘t know why you would chide OP* for a lack of courtesy.

I do understand this from your side op, but you have no idea what your dh might have said to her. Do I judge someone who sleeps with a married man knowing he has tiny children ? Yes I do. I do also think that your husband is spinning you an awful lot of yarns in order to stay with you though.

Why are you doing this to yourself ?

You can excuse him if you want to but then excuse her too. He has done this to you.

See, I disagree with this. Op has decided to try to live what what her DH has done. She has chosen to try to forgive and move on. (Not something I could do op, but your choice). But she doesn’t have to forgive the ow. She is allowed to choose not to. It might not make sense to you...but it may be the only way op can get through the initial stages of this shit storm. If that’s her coping mechanism, who are you or I to tell her she should either forgive or not forgive both equally.

I know he's responsible and he's been called every name under the sun.

However i can't pretend I'm not angry at her for the part she played in this, she's not innocent.

I spoke to her on a level and kept my emotions in check, my decency was repaid with spite.

They are both shit people in equal measure.

Him for betraying his family and her for going with a married man with a postnatal wife at home and two young children.

She deserves not one iota of pity from me and the only reason I'm vocalising my lack of sympathy for her is because she's undeservingly being given that from others here.

Get some self respect and leave. All sounds like Eastenders

If I was the OW posting here I'd be ripped apart and told I deserve no sympathy, I've seen it myself.

I'm not the bad one here.