DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

[Lovelytea]

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

Of course, there’s the fact that as a married couple, you are paying for his choice financially too.
Fuck that for a game

A baby adds extra heat to the already loaded situation where it's so easy to get drawn into the pick-me dance. Instead of tying yourself in knots OP trying to workout how to hang onto your husband and keep the OW at bay, please step back a long way and think about yourself, how you have been treated, why you are willing to be treated this way and what you really want. You must be hurting so much. I really agree with suggestions to talk to a therapist and make a space for yourself. So many women on MN who manage to hold onto their marriages through infidelity, regret it in the end. They also are often blamed for the end of the marriage when they finally admit that it's over and can't be got past. All of your choices here are painful but please make sure you have given due consideration to all the options. You won't feel this now, but whatever you decide to do, you will be okay in the end.

You actually sound as though you (understandably) despise him for what he's done to you and are staying with him simply because it means he won't be with her?

He has betrayed you and the consequences of that betrayal will forever be present in your life.

Please get some counselling to help work through your feelings and choices.

‘Radical acceptance’ should be always balanced by ‘wise discrimination’ if a situation is abusive or harmful to you.

Look after yourself and your DC lovelytea - at times of doubt, sometimes it is simply better to do nothing. You cannot tell your husband how to solve this one, you can only look after yourself and DC

Wow.

I've never known a situation where the OW was never again involved in the married persons life... NEVER. This is it... her and the baby are now a part of your family wether you like it or not and that's for the remainder of your lives. It will never matter what you say or do this is what your new life entails.

You need to decide if this is what you want. Right now your H is having his cake and eating it.

I just asked my DH he had a ONS and impregnated someone if he'd want a paternity test he said yes... I'm surprised he's so convinced the average man having a ONS resulting in this situation would be contesting it right to the end. I hope you realise he's lying to you... it was not merely an EA that resulted in a ONS... more an affair he probably started after you had your second child because he was "feeling neglected" 🙄 ... she lives 10 mins from work... he's probably spent more late nights working there than at his actual place of work. The mans a dog! That would be the only reason I'd need to leave! I've just had your child ... But instead of supporting me you find time to have your dick supported?!

You need to take time to sort your self out and LTB. Nothing good will come of this for you except long term mental health issues. Your children deserve better. I've also never known a woman who stayed and was ever truly happy again... you will always have trust issues where he is concerned and she will not be the last woman to turn his head... once a cheat, always a cheat.

This is a shit show you need to leave behind you and look forward to a new life in 2019.

I know a couple who were in this exact situation 35 years ago. He was a high flier, got his secretary pregnent. Muggins wife stayed with him, and he had little to do with the kid until she was 18. Then the girl wanted to get to know her dad and the feeling was recriprocated. I think it would take a heart of stone to turn your back on your own daughter when they come knocking at your door like she did. Obviously muggins wife was not happy as her husband got to know his daughter and the whole thing caused huge embarrassment in their social circle as it became obvious he and had harboured this great secret.
In addition, the marriage became a real car crash - she could never fully forgive and he was continually wondering what came of this daughter of his. Friends of his tell me he holds huge simmering resentment that he was pressured not to see his daughter growing up.

I think staying and hoping it will go away is a really bad idea

Oh and as somebody posted earlier, this is best possible green light this guy could get to cheat again, which I would bet my house he does. Only dfference is next time he will use protection.

I've made a GP appointment to discuss my anxiety but it's not for another two weeks

I had a shit night sleep last night as opening up and talking about it here has forced me to face a few home truths, but I'm glad I posted as alot of the advice has been priceless so I thank you all for contributing.

I've noticed I have a couple of PMs so I will check those shortly after I've sorted dinner.

Keep talking op, there is lots of support for you on here

Lovelytea, please call your gp surgery first thing Weds morning and request an emergency appointment rather than routine. Your mental wellbeing is the priority here.

Op you seem very focused on your husband not being in a position to be “ temptec” by the OW , but that is not a sustainable way to live. If you really feel that she could temp him away then do you really want him ? Do you really want a marriage that you have to constantly police to hold it together ?
Trust obviously takes a long time to rebuild, and sometimes is too broken to be rebuilt at all, but living with someone you can’t trust is hellish. I agree with pps that you need to focus on yourself, on what sort of marriage you want, on how you start to recover from this shock and pain. The affair will always be part of your life now as your children have a sibling, so you need time to work out how much distance you need to be able to live with that. Could you have a week away somewhere with a friend, or even a few days, just to get some time and perspective. Such a terrible position for you to be in, I really feel for you.

Yes, call your GP for an emergency appointment.

Also, most places now have a self referral for therapy/counselling. Google your area and it's usually something like IAPT.

He's made a mistake, owned it and seems genuinely repentant. YANBU in giving it another go. Obviously only the one chance though.

I'd start the court process. It's not unreasonable to ask for an hour in a contact centre to begin with whilst the baby is so young then increasing contact as the child gets older. Presumably the courts will have experience of these situations so ask for advice and continue to show that you are prioritising the baby needs all the way. I don't think you can expect involvement yourself until the baby is much older tbh. Be guided by the "experts"

I'd like to think I'm a relatively empathic person but I struggle to have any sympathy for her because she knew what she was doing and who she was doing it with.

He knew her from work before she moved on to another job so she knew he was expecting a baby when I was pregnant as it was common knowledge at his work. She knew by the time they slept together that our baby had been born. I had met her once at DH's work place and she was all bright and bubbly, chatting away to me.

The reason I believe they only slept together the once is because I'm absolutely sure she'd have told me otherwise. She had no problem giving me details I had no wish to hear about, she was very clearly trying to persuade me to leave him so I don't see her leaving something like that out if it had happened more than once. I do know that it was a relatively prolonged emotional / text / call emotional affair though, so alot worse than your typical ONS as there must have been some feelings involved on both sides.

DH wants me to believe he didn't plan on sleeping with her and it only happened because it was offered to him on a plate. Supposedly she invited him round and presented herself in lingerie and he thought "oh why not. Wife won't find out" but that doesn't make me feel any better, it makes him sound disgusting and weak and pathetic. He tried to tell me he was feeling neglected at home because of the new baby. Selfish bastard

If it was a typical ONS with a stranger he'd never see again that would have been easier to get over, it's the EA and using her as a sounding board for our problems which add insult to injury.

You say if you didn’t have DC you’d have walked away

I think you should anyway.

HE has ALREADY changed their lives forever. Staying isn’t the same as ‘going back to how it was before’.

Staying only works when it’s what you both want with each other. When without kids it’s what you’d choose AND with a LOT of work starting over. An affair knocks the old relationship down, you have to completely rebuild it. Not just patch it.

Your DH has chosen ‘his family’ rather than ‘you’. If it wasn’t for the kids neither of you would be choosing this. It won’t work

You have both tried to sweep his affair under the rug. You cannot do that.

You can’t live monitoring, watching, worrying he’s going behind your back. You can’t live how you are now.

I understand what you are saying about being shit scared you’ll lose all grip on your MH and risk losing the kids, but you won’t. You’ll cope because you have to. You’re broken, but strong.

I honestly think the ONLY chance of getting your MH back is to kick him out.

It will be better for you and your kids.

I’m so very sorry the bastard did this to you 💐

KataraJean radical acceptance does not mean being a doormat. It means emotionally detaching and accepting what you cannot change. In this context it might be accepting that DH may choode seeing baby & OW, accepting that this may result in ihm leaving or being unable to decide, and accepting that such an untenable situation will mean separation.
It is a way to remain calm and centered instead of working yourself up over something you can‘t control and pursue your own path even in the eye of the storm.

DH wants me to believe he didn't plan on sleeping with her and it only happened because it was offered to him on a plate. Supposedly she invited him round and presented herself in lingerie and he thought "oh why not. Wife won't find out" but that doesn't make me feel any better, it makes him sound disgusting and weak and pathetic. He tried to tell me he was feeling neglected at home because of the new baby. Selfish bastard

That makes it all so much worse. That he'd insult your intelligence with a story and expect you to believe it; and that even in his fantasy tale, he's made himself weak, pathetic and untrustworthy. He's spineless.

I can appreciate your view that she knew you, she knew you were pregnant, she'd met you. But if it wasn't her, it'd be someone else. She didn't trap him. Even if the lingerie story was true - and it never is; it's against all forms of basic psychology and human behaviour as well as being a major part of the script in these situations - he'd started a major emotional affair with her anyway.

I am so sorry An emergency appt sounds like a good idea, if you feel able to ask for one?

If you really want to make this marriage work then you really need to set up your own and joint couples counselling. Hopefully your GP can give you something to help.

Definitely get a paternity test. I wouldn't trust a thing she says

The lingerie scenario is ludicrous, and belongs in a 1960s Carry On film.

it makes him sound disgusting and weak and pathetic.

Yes, that's what he is. Stop trying to sort out his problems for him. They are his to deal with, because of what he's done. Leave all the contact stuff to him. Concentrate entirely on yourself and your own DC because you are all worth more than this.

I am so very sorry for you and this horrible situation, LovelyTea. I really can't see anything in it that's positive - for you - sorry.

You can't trust your husband still (I wouldn't either). You've said that repeatedly through this thread. The fact that your husband does the 'mechanics' of the relationship is because he has, in my opinion, made an assessment of bread-buttering, ie. he knows where his bread is best buttered and he wants to stay there. It has bugger all to do with love.

He's looked at finances - you can be sure of that. You and DCs would cost a lot more to maintain than OW and her baby. He only has to pay maintenance and that would be based on what he can afford with having to pay for family home where he resides. OW would be getting the dregs.

The reason that you can't look at him the way you did is because he's not the man he was. Your description of the calculated way in which he assessed risks of OW's birth control made my skin crawl. He made a judgement, a considered one - and didn't care whether OW would become pregnant or not. You'd be foolish (and I know you're not) to believe that this was a ONS.

You're being fed a thin tissue of lies by the sounds of it, bits to pacify you (which don't because you see them for the empty bullshit they are) and you have no idea what's going on in his head.

The fact that you think he would go to OW if you kicked him out tells you just how much he loves and values you. Not at all. You're becoming a mother figure rather than a loved partner from what I read from your posts... Mummy will fix it. Urgh.

I wish you peace and happiness and the ability to think straight, LovelyTea. This man is a liar and he has destroyed your marriage. There's no way forward as you can't trust him with OW... even now. What's the point?

Regain your life and those of your children - and let him go, he's a louse. You won't have lost as much as you will if you carry on putting yourself through this as if he's some sort of prize. He's not. Throw him out now and you are the one who can hold your head up and regain your self-esteem. That would be of value to your children who will witness that you aren't to be treated in this way.

I wish strength and good things for you in 2019, LovelyTea; it will come at a bit of a cost though as having courage is rarely comfortable.

DH wants me to believe he didn't plan on sleeping with her and it only happened because it was offered to him on a plate. Supposedly she invited him round and presented herself in lingerie and he thought "oh why not. Wife won't find out" but that doesn't make me feel any better, it makes him sound disgusting and weak and pathetic. He tried to tell me he was feeling neglected at home because of the new baby. Selfish bastard

I feel so sick reading this and I don’t even know you OP. The happy baby time your family should have been having has been utterly destroyed by this horrible man’s selfish actions.

He is selfish, cruel and weak.