DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

[Lovelytea]

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

I bet top dollar if he ran off with her he would cheat on her...

After all she's postnatal and hormonal, which seems to be his trigger.

Your definitely not the bad one but your husband deserves more oh your anger than the OW.

She deserves not one iota of pity from me and the only reason I'm vocalising my lack of sympathy for her is because she's undeservingly being given that from others here.

Correct op. She doesn’t deserve your sympathy. She deserves nothing from you. You owe neither her, nor her child anything.
You seem to acknowledge your husband’s part in this, so are not just blindly blaming the ow.

If my mum told me that the reason I grew up without a dad, was because she slept with a married man, I know I’d be as angry with her as my dad. Stupidity and a child has to pay for it.

I do believe the lingerie story, one look at her social media gives the theory enough weight so I can only imagine what she does in private.

But he went to her house. He was in the middle of what sounds like an intense emotional affair and he went to her house. It wouldn't really have mattered if she was nude; they both knew what she was there to do.

If there's no way that he can have a relationship with this child, to be it's father; without contact from her, what is your plan?

Even if you somehow got a plan agreed so that he didn't see her face to face for a while; there would need to be handovers and updates, there will be parties, Christmas. She will be at half of those things at least. Do you think you'll ever trust him with her?

Do you think you'll ever trust him around any women?

I see the tone has changed here and somehow it's turned into a thread about how much of a mug I am, poor OW and her hormones etc.

Thank you for all of the genuine support and kindness given from posters who aren't judging me. I think I'm done here because I'm getting quite wound up

OP doesn't have to forgive anybody for this, they've both done this to her and her children but HE had the ability to prevent it all.

This is how I read it:
Him for betraying his family and her for going with a married man with a postnatal wife at home and two young children.
As usual, emphasis is put on the OW. The only reason she has received any understanding on this thread is because she's a new mum.

OW might be all kinds of horrible person and sounds it from what LovelyTea is saying; I'm certainly not chiding OP for her feelings. Sooner or later she'll have to open her eyes though and stop excusing her husband's abhorrent behaviour.

You're not the bad one at all.

I think you're clinging on to a life-raft that's got a breach in it, tho, in this marriage, and you'd be better off swimming to shore alone.

LovelyTea, sorry if you feel I'm judging you, I'm not. I feel very sad for you, you deserved none of this, I'll leave the thread.

Nah. I can understand OP standing her ground. She has made the assessment that currently staying is in her and DCs‘ best interest. As this is the case, the fuck would I make it easier for DH and OW by removing myself from the picture.

Even if OP decided today to leave DH, she would be stupid not to bring her ducks in a row first (legally and jobwise) and give DH a headsup.

category is right. Spot on.

TBH OP I feel and understand your anger towards the OW and you’ll always have the two camps - one who says you’re unreasonable to direct anger towards her and another saying you’re not.

But here’s the thing, what’s done is done, and there’s been a pretty explosive price to pay.

You don’t sound like you’ve even taken the anger off her yet and when you do, you will deal with intense pain when you start putting more energy into grieving for what you thought he was.

Honestly I wouldn’t wish this shit storm in my own worst enemy, you have the choice to get the fuck out and leave him to deal with this mess. ALONE

The shame of it will have such a grip of you all.

If OP chucked him out, he may well go running to the OW, but i'll bet 100%, that they'll not last more than a few weeks at most. Only then will reality sink in to him as to how life is gonna be. He's utter scum.

The point remains, you’re not really staying with him because you want to, you’re staying with him to stop him going to her
And with all the will in the world, that will not work long term for you.
For him?? Absolutely fine. For you, no

You aren't a mug, it sounds like you are trying to survive day to day and are scared of the future

It’s not MNetters causing your distress, it’s your H’s actions and the situation.

It’s unreasonable - towards an innocent baby DC - to demand that your H does not meet up or exchange texts with OW about their DC.

Shame on your H if he puts your feelings above parenting his youngest DC.

I totally understand why you don't feel any sympathy for her @Lovelytea -I certainly wouldn't. She knew exactly what she was doing. Your husband and OW are vile. The only innocent ones in all of this are you and the DC.

However, I do think that your husbands tale about it being just the once isn't truthful. Had she pounced on him in lingerie, I doubt he would then go snooping around in her bathroom for BC pills before having sex with her. Even if that WAS true, it shows premeditation.

Lovely tea I think everyone just feels desperately sad for you and can see what's going on.
You sound so lvoely and accepting, a lot more than I would ever be.

It’s unreasonable - towards an innocent baby DC - to demand that your H does not meet up or exchange texts with OW about their DC.
It’s not unreasonable towards op’s children though, one of whom is still a baby. Especially if contact with ow has to be unnecessarily ‘alone’ and therefore distressing to op’s wellbeing and family. Perhaps the ow needs to also take some responsibility for her actions?

Shame on your H if he puts your feelings above parenting his youngest DC.

And of course the well-being of his existing family and young children with op. It seems that op’s husband will undoubtably have to make a choice and why should he choose his newest baby over his other baby? He is unlikely to be able to be daddy of the year to all children, expecially as the ow wants to exclude the other family...so choices have to be made and at least one poor child is going to suffer for the idiotic mistake of their dad and his piece on the side.

I've just caught up OP. MN threads can be helpful but I find sometimes it's useful to mentally sieve them as I go through, to avoid being hurt (even if it's not intentional by the poster).

My heart goes out to you.

This situation is here to stay. A poster above talked about the power you have here and I agree. It's not that difficult for him because you're getting on with things.

Think about yourself. You have to - nobody else is. Don't think about the baby either. Just you! You need to get through the next two weeks. Then see what the GP says. Look at your life, what stops you leaving him (I'm neither saying leave nor stay, just looking at facts). Mental health? Can you focus on getting help with that (and he can fork out for private if NHS isn't available as he's caused this)? Finances? Can you work towards something that would help you get back into the workplace longer term and earning your own money? Or more of enough to feel able to leave if you chose?

OW is thinking about herself and baby
DH has been thinking about himself and her
You have been thinking about her, baby and him and your DC.

Switch all the energy she's getting in your head over to yourself. It's no easy, but it definitely won't happen right now if you don't try a little.

Stay in the marriage for financial stability and the kids if you don't feel you can leave, but don't be passive. Carve out your space, your time, get your needs met. You are worn down and out and you not only need it, you deserve it.

He's done something so awful to you, you are not supposed to feel good right now - if he'd taken a kitchen knife and stabbed you, you would not be ok. You cannot not hurt but you can put yourself first. Take care of yourself OP.

Getting a paternity test would be for the sake of the baby too. It sounds like this woman will do and say anything to get what she wants so I wouldn't put it past her to lie about who the father is

He could feasibly parent all the DC and be faithful to OP. Other than moving away and / or obstructing contact not much OW could do to prevent that, IF the man is trustworthy.

your anger is directed at the wrong person.

Anyone who has been in this situation is deceived by a H with a OW will feel like the OP. Hatred to both parties. My ExH had an affair and broke up our family, our lives and friendship groups. I appreciate he was responsible but I will never ever forgive him or the OW. She knew what she was doing and made it quite clear to me that she liked older married men compared to lads her age as they had proved they are the marrying type and can make babies.

He could feasibly parent all the DC and be faithful to OP. Other than moving away and / or obstructing contact not much OW could do to prevent that, IF the man is trustworthy

OW is insisting visitation be with her and the new baby on their own. She wants her ‘family’. This will cause great pain and distress for existing family so is not feasible at all. It’s only going to be possible to parent all children, with women who are willing to compromise...but in this situation it seems like there is a battle for the DH, so it’s not going to happen.

Re her not planning this, I don't believe it.

On BC. In an emotional affair. BC fails. Ok, all makes sense.

Then she choose to have the baby. Fine too. Valid choice. But interesting one because the other option is equally valid. Especially with a married man as DF.

Then you're vile to his wife, giving her lurid details of your liaison and want him to be with you?

Looks much less like a BC fail or a genuinely forgotten pill to me after that last part.

I have a very close friend who was tricked into getting his girlfriend pregnant - she was on BC..only she wasn't.

I feel the outcome of this will be OP's H hiding behind OP's skirts while she makes it all go away.