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Original poster

DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

999 replies

Lovelytea · 30/12/2018 19:50

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 31/12/2018 09:29

I have read the full thread. I agree you need a family mediator to help your husband and OW manage the process. Because this actually between them.

As hard as it is you are not going to be able to control what happens next. I understand why you feel the need to manage it but it won't work.

You need some RL support - please confide in somebody trustworthy.

The most important thing here for you is to preserve your mental health. Concentrate on getting support for yourself.

I know 2 families where this exact situation has happened. In one the husband and wife stayed together and the child is a loved part of their family. In the other the wife left and has forged a wonderful life for herself and her children. Be kind to yourself.

Dallasty · 31/12/2018 09:44

It wasn't a ONS, it was a full on affair...that much is obvious...and he's still maintaining that it was a ONS...... he's STILL lying to you. How can you possibly believe a word he says. No amount of love would keep me in place. LTB. All the best OP

SnuggyBuggy · 31/12/2018 09:45

Sadly I agree, OW getting pregnant from a ONS just seems too convenient especially with H not pushing for a DNA test. The whole thing stinks of bullshit.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 31/12/2018 09:48

OP I feel for you, you sound absolutely tortured in your posts.

If you want to be able to work this out in any way then the first thing you have to prioritise is yourself - you will not be able to make any decisions that are in your own or your DCs beat interests whilst your MH has taken such a battering.

Forget about access to the baby for now - your H can deal with that. It is quite frankly one issue too many for you to deal with.

Concentrate on fishing yourself - get help for MH with tablets and counselling. Then focus on being the best mum you can be to your own DC. In time this will give you the strength to see whether you do want to do this without H or whether you can tolerate him seeing the OW.

Until you are much better mentally there can be no long term solution.

Best wishes.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 31/12/2018 09:49

*fixing not fishing!

bastardkitty · 31/12/2018 09:49

It wasn't a ONS - I'm not sure why OP uses that term. It was an 'emotional affair' but they allegedly had sex just the once.

alansleftfoot · 31/12/2018 09:49

This wasn't a ONS, this was an affair that started when they worked together. Please op think about your own children and the example you are setting them. They will at some point figure out what happened and will ask questions.

Branleuse · 31/12/2018 09:53

This is killing you op.
Once youve ripped the plaster off the wound you can heal

NotANotMan · 31/12/2018 09:56

Can I just say that my dad had an affair and produced a child 35+ years ago. My mum forgave and took him back but she's STILL angry.
She never stopped a relationship with the child but they still had no contact for years and my half brother had no contact with his siblings until we were adults.

PrincessScarlett · 31/12/2018 10:06

Glad you are going to your GP Lovelytea. I fear that your mental health is already suffering so much that it can't get any worse, and it is the thought of kicking DH out that terrifies you whereas the reality will bring you relief and hope for the future.

Can you have a trial separation? You need time away from him to think.

He is not a good father. A good father would never have treated you with so little respect and continue to do so. Agree with others that he is the only "winner" here and you need to accept that the only way for you to "win" is for you to leave and make a happy new life for yourself.

You are in love with the man your DH used to be and the life you had with him. Thanks to him that doesn't exist anymore so you cannot lie to yourself that staying with him will be getting your old life back.

Sarahjconnor · 31/12/2018 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlecloudling · 31/12/2018 10:12

@Lovelytea
I wouldn't leave him. I'd be doing everything possible to keep things stable. This is the worst possible time because the OW is extra emotional and your DH now has a new child. Frank discussions and patience will be needed from you and him but I do believe it will be possible to save your marriage. But he needs to be honest. Things could look different in 5 years time. I honestly think it would be better if he had very little contact with the child, but that needs to come from him as he would resent anyone else controlling his relationship with his child.

OrdinarySnowflake · 31/12/2018 10:13

Perhaps just get the first meeting over and done with.

She's 2 week post partum, she's not going to be seducing him. There's no more risk for him meeting her in her home then in a cafe somewhere, other than if she gets upset, there is less likelihood of someone you know overhearing.

Send him along if he wants to go meet his child.

Get that horror over with, and then you can start thinking as a couple how you make this work, if you want to make it work.

SantaClauseMightWork · 31/12/2018 10:17

She's 2 week post partum, she's not going to be seducing him
I think she will. Not seduction may be. But definitely a very good opportunity for her to get him back.

adjsavedmylife · 31/12/2018 10:19

I wish you so much strength for this situation you’ve done nothing to cause or deserve.

As other pp have advised, a paternity test and playing the long game is the way to go. You can’t possibly know how this one will play out so (again as advised) don’t torture yourself thinking you can control this. In the meantime focus on what you can do to help yourself- your MH, self care and care of your dc one day at a time.

If you stay with him now, doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind any time

OrdinarySnowflake · 31/12/2018 10:31

Santa - that will be no different in a cafe or park or somewhere else. Being in her home isn't more dangerous than anywhere else right now.

Evenutally, he'll have to talk to the OW or give up having any relationship with his own son.

Getting that first meeting over and done with is probably for the best for the op.

Ibelieveinyou · 31/12/2018 10:37

@lovelytea you sound a lot stronger than I think you actually believe, please book that gp appointment asap. Medication or counselling won’t resolve all of this but it will help you with the anxiety and maybe give you the breathing space you need. I honestly don’t know what I’d do in your situation but I would be seeking legal advice yourself to see what financial support you would be entitled to from your dh if you did ask him to leave. Knowledge is power and all that!
Please focus on yourself, you can’t change what he has done or know what his future looks like but you can choose to be in control of yours. Flowers

Sunshineintheclouds · 31/12/2018 10:38

Go to court. Regardless of the circumstances he is the father and the child has a right to a relationship with him and siblings.

FancyRibbon · 31/12/2018 10:43

Noonlight Flowers

WhenLifeGivesYouLemonsx · 31/12/2018 10:44

As much as you love him, I wouldn't be able to forgive and forget. If you are already worried about contact with OW then you need to cut your losses and move on. He is going to have contact with her again - they have a baby together for Christ sake. You deserve better!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 31/12/2018 10:49

Your mind is screaming at you that you can't forgive this. You're in turmoil. It won't be buried, it can't be.

However, have you considered that he telephone you before he goes in and keeps the telephone on the entire time (secretly if needed)? Then you can listen. He shouldn't need to be in there more than 30-60 minutes at first anyway.

But just a note on that - you could well find yourself in even more hot water if you appear to use secret surveillance in her house and she finds out about it. But even without that; you'd be swooning an hour completely on edge waiting for any sounds of physical contact, or written comms; any hint of something between them. That's not fair on you and it'll tear your mind apart.

deepwatersolo · 31/12/2018 10:51

A lot of ‚they have a baby together‘ comments seem to forget that OP and DH also have babies together - so it is not like she could get entirely rid of DH and OW by leaving him.

OP you should look into ‚radical acceptance‘. It is an approach also practiced in Buddhism and it can keep one sane in difficult situations that are not (Fully) in our control.

Bluntness100 · 31/12/2018 11:01

Regardless of the circumstances he is the father and the child has a right to a relationship with him and siblings

Of course. But he has no right to demand he never sees the mother and someone else does hangovers. Particularly not because the reason is his wife is scared he will shag the mother.

As said, if the op wants to continue in the relationship then she needs to trust him to see this woman and not start it up again. If she can't do that, then she needs to end it. She can't live her life trying to keep her husband away from women she is scared he will shag if she doesn't.

Noteverythingisabingthing · 31/12/2018 11:05

I haven't had time to read the full thread so I am just going off the firsr few messages. I understand and agree with a baby having the right to a relationship with his/her father, if it is in the best interests of the child. In this instance, I don't think it is.

In order to have a relationship with the father, baby would have to be away from mother (is she breastfeeding, even if not, I don't think a baby should have to be seperated from mum till at least a few months old).

Also, even though you will try be welcoming, having the child in your home will bring you upset and possibly anger, which the child will realise as they get oldee, also not good for them. What will the other children make of it?

I'm not sure trying to make this work will be a good idea for anyone, especially the children. Your husband can't have it all ways! He had an affair, got someone pregnant, now expects you to forgive and take in that child some of the time. Unrealistic.

From the point of view of the other woman, she had an affair, sounds like she fell pretty hard for him, he stayed with his wife and she is expected to hand over her 2 week old baby to him and his wife to raise part of the time! As if it would work when there is so much resentment and upset.

Beansandcoffee · 31/12/2018 11:15

For all we know the OW might have chosen to get pregnant. She might also want to bring the child up on her own with no input from the father especially if he isn’t in the BC. This might be her chosen route.