DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

[Lovelytea]

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

Whether you stay or go I think seeing the GP and setting up support in real life is essential.

Gp is a great idea, good luck in looking after you first. Your health visiting team might be a good port of call too to support you and your young dc.

I understand what you say OP about her terrible behaviour, but I think that it has been like you say deflected all the hurt and pain onto you. She’s likely only trying to get him back because she’s shit scared of doing this by herself - forever. In her mind she is abandoned and post natal. She will not be able to see her potential to meet someone new, all she will be able to see is abandonment. And by joining forces against her all you end up doing is turning her into a caged animal fighting back at you. This is what I was trying to say. The methods you and DH are using which is fighting her is causing this to be worse. It’s not a case of what she deserves as it’s just making your life so much worse. Mediation could be very hard but also very useful.

You should talk to your GP

This is one of the saddest things I have read on here. All the recommendations of DNA tests and court application - they are correct but also really bloody expensive. Apart from the emotional drain, this is going to be a significant financial drain on your family for a long long time.

And I don't know how old your children are - but fairly soon they are going to be able to do the sums and realize their lovely hands on Daddy has another son, and was having sex with another women.

This is one of the saddest things I have read on here.

Really? Doesn't even crack my top ten.

Well the husband has completely fucked over the OP and effectively duped her into a polygamous arrangement. The child isn't going to be thrilled to learn they were conceived via a sordid affair by two feckless people either.

@TwistedStitch there's a new fangled thing called expressing.

Wow. I genuinely hope you are lying about being a social worker because your ignorance is astounding. Thankfully it's not you who would be making decisions about contact for 2 week old infants with their parents anyway!

In this situation because dad doesn't wanna be around ow, he would not have the opportunity or "freedom" to properly bond with his baby if she was present.

That's his issue to sort out. The mother is offering reasonable contact; if he chooses not to take it up that's on him

Yes, it would be a waste of court and mediator's time, given the only reason the dad can't see the baby is he can't be trusted not to shag ow.

Op. Please be honest with the gp.

Also remember she gave birth 2 weeks ago , she isn’t about to jump on him . However that said she should be able to dance around naked and he be only interested in his baby son.

I would also suspect court would frown on the fact he has been denied reasonable contact and yet refused. His reason , I am worried she will want sex with me ????

I think you need to fast forward as well , there will be school plays, parents evening s, what if baby ends up in hospital ?

I am not trying to make it worse for you but make you understand that complete separateness won’t work.

I am not sure why you think her getting a boyfriend helps either as he has cheated and she doesn’t command fedelity

The adults are all more concerned with themselves than the baby to be brutally honest. I understand OP’s feelings as it isn’t even her baby. But there is nothing to be gained from being so obstructive to them spending time together with their child except more and more resentment and heartache. It is fuelling the bad feeling. Like you know yourself if he’s going to cheat he will cheat. At least if there is a small amount of contact at her home there is something to build on - right now there is nothing to build on except animosity

Yes, do seek help with your mental health.

Your H has a responsibility to co-parent ALL his DC, including his youngest with OW.

If you truly fear that there is a risk that in the course of communicating with OW about matters concerning their DC he would cheat again with OW, then staying married is pointless.

Similarly, if you “can’t handle” him co parenting his youngest DC, you still have the option to end the relationship.

You chose to stay married to a man who had fathered a child with an OW: being a decent father means regular contact, and contact with OW, to discuss the DC. This situation is one of the consequences of your choice.

It’d be unethical to put your feelings, which are totally understandable, before the child’s interests.

My mum cheated on her ex husband with my dad and got pregnant. Her ex husband found out about the affair and left her. My dad married her because the baby was his and that's what you did.

Except the baby wasn't his, mum was sleeping with them both and we only found out last year when I tried to get a passport for the first time (at 24 years old) and opened a whole can of worms with discovering my dad wasn't on my birth certificate and a paternity test being done.

Very different scenario, but arrange a bloody paternity test. My mum knew damn well that there was a massive chance that I wasn't my dads, she just didn't want to be alone. If your husband refuses, leave him. If there's even the slightest doubt, do a paternity test. The last year has been hell, my dad is heartbroken and I have no relationship with my actual birth dad. Do a paternity test.

That’s awful noonlight. What a shock for you.

I'm glad you're going to the gp, if I were you I'd develop a flexible plan.
Get yourself healthy, mentally. No matter which way you go you can't carry on feeling like this.
Make a plan for if you were to want to split, think about housing, disposable cash etc.
Go see a solicitor, knowledge will make you feel stronger, and if you both want to stay together you've lost nothing.

I would divorce him.
No way would I tolerate this mess.

OP is your husband's priority saving your marriage or having a relationship with this child?

Because in all honesty he needs to choose one.

There are many MM who choose their marriage and COM (children of the marriage) over the OC and it has been the best decision for them. They pay the required child support and that's it. It often comes out of a separate bank account, so the betrayed wife is not triggered by seeing it on the statement every month.

I'll send you a link via PM with further information about this and there are others in your situation too.

Putting the child aside for a moment... has your H been remorseful ?

I suspect there's an awful lot more he could be doing to help you with all this.

I'll PM you some links.

Whilst the OW may have some power here, you do too. The cost of divorce and child support for 2 DC (and possibly spousal support) isn't something he's going to relish.

You can assert yourself more than you think.

Look after yourself.... don't be afraid to tell him how his actions have hurt you to the core and how betrayed/disappointed he has made you. It might be easier to put in writing.

In most cases...the wayward spouse does not understand the enormity of their infidelity.

Just wanted to say you sound incredibly strong.

I can see it from both sides, I would not be happy if it was my DH being alone with her either. It sounds like she wants to play happy families. Equally I would not let a tiny baby out my sight.

Are your DC old enough to understand? Is your DH agreeable to counselling?

Forgive me @Lovelytea, I’m catching up again and responding specifically to your post at 00:37. Yes Meds might be worth considering. When I first went through my situation I was given Citalopram which made me feel like a zombie and like I couldn’t function. I decided that I didn’t want to have anything to numb me because I figured I’d have to go through the emotional pain at some point so I might as well get it out of the way. So I went back to my GP and was prescribed Propanolol (sp?) for my anxiety which helped control the physical symptoms I was experiencing (racing heart, stomach churning etc) which made the mental side easier to deal with. Although I do have to reiterate my earlier post and say that taking control of the situation by asking him to leave was the one single thing which helped me to get onto the path out of it all.

Not trying to make light of this difficult situation, but the irony of the whole thing is that - considering the timing - the very reason DH got involved in this enotional affair was probably that he couldn‘t take the changed dynamics of sharing partner with needy, small children.
Which is why the moment OW got pregnant she could no longer fulfill that role for him, but she turned into what he had tried to temporarily escape with her. And he dropped her like a hot potato.
Obviously, OP and the children do not deserve this mess, but there is an element of karmic justice for DH and OW in this.

If I had my time again I would have thrown exh out after the first time he cheated rather than trying to stay together for the dc. The new normal would have been much easier for dc to adjust to as a toddler rather than at the same time as starting school. (He walked out for new gf). Seeing how other children have been affected as other relationships broke up during primary school years has only strengthened that feeling.

If your dh is convinced that the baby is his I would think that he was either much more heavily involved than he has made out or he doesn't want to admit that the OW has fooled him and was sleeping with someone else.

For your dc's financial situation you really need to establish whether this is actually his baby. If it is someone else's dc you shouldn't be depriving your dc by supporting the baby. The onus should be on the OW to provide proof of paternity.

OP you have no control here and trying to assert control over a situation where you have none, will be a detriment to your MH.

Focus your energies where you and your children will get the most benefit and that’s getting support for your MH.

I think deep down you know your marriage is over but that doesn’t mean you have to do anything or go anywhere right now.

It sometimes times takes a traumatic situation to open your eyes. You’re seeing your H, warts and all for the first time and it isn’t pretty, he no longer can be afforded the benefits of your doubts and goodwill.

Staying for now doesn’t mean staying forever, remember that.

If I had my time again I would have thrown exh out after the first time he cheated rather than trying to stay together for the dc. It would have been a much easier for dc to adjust to the new normal as a toddler rather than at the same time as starting school. (He walked out for new gf). Seeing how other children have been affected as other relationships broke up during primary school years just reinforced that opinion.

If dh is convinced that the baby is his I would think that he was either much more heavily involved than he has made out or he doesn't want to admit that the OW has fooled him and was sleeping with someone else.

For your dc's financial situation you really need to establish whether this is actually his baby. You shouldn't be depriving your dc by supporting the baby if it isn't his. The onus should be on the OW to provide proof of paternity.

How is all of this going to be explained to all 3 of the children once they are older, can add up and put 2 and 2 together?