DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

[Lovelytea]

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

You talk about winning op, but she already 'won' your oh when he slept with her behind you back and had an. Emotional affair with her. He is a disgrace.

That's what I thought too bethy, that if she has offered contact the onus is on him to take legal action if he is not happy with what has been offered. But then there would be a wait for mediation, then court, reports etc. That's why I wondered how the poster in question had experience of courts ordering newborns away from their mother.

Because she doesn't need to be present whilst the child is with their other, perfectly capable parent. That's why.

Yeah this is the bullshit bit I'm afraid

To an infant baby a father they have never met is a stranger

It is far better for an infant to have contact in their own home with their sole attachment figure nearby than to be taken to a strange place to have contact with a stranger. I find it odd that you don't see that. However I'm not interested in a pissing contest so I'll rest easy in my knowledge of how family courts work and you can presumably do the same.

He tried to tell me that she was claiming to be on birth control and that he saw birth control tablets in her bathroom. He supposedly recognised the tablets to be BC because he was familiar with my own.

BC or not he made the decision to have unprotected sex knowing that there would always be a chance of something going wrong. I can't say whether she deliberately tried to get pregnant or not, I'd be inclined to think not but who knows.

When he found out about the baby, before I did, he told her to keep him updated about scans and appointments then changed his mind and came clean to me and told her he didn't want to be involved in the pregnancy but it was up to her whether she continued with it or not.

After coming clean he professed he wanted nothing to do with the baby and just wanted to work on saving things between us. I have a feeling he said those things because he thought it was what I wanted to hear. When I came to terms with the babies imminent arrival I told him he could be honest about how he felt RE the baby and I wouldn't hold it against him because I don't resent the baby in any of this, that's when he said he would like to have a relationship with the baby but didn't want to lose the one he already has with our DC and me.

I've spent forever going over possible scenarios in my head and feel as though I'm baring the burden of it all and he's pushed it to the back of his mind.

I'm not currently in contact with OW and have blocked her from SM because she was being goady.

I haven't spoken to any professionals IRL about how I'm feeling in myself. I take each day as it comes and muddle through as best I can but feel like I'm in constant fight or flight mode waiting to see what happens next.

If I absolutely knew I'd be ok if I kicked him out then I think I possibly might do, the problem is aside all of this I love him very much and cheating aside he's brilliant with the DC and very hands on.

You need to get him to do a paternity test. If she's the kind of woman you say she is, she's capable of lying. Kid might not even be his.

If it is his child, then he, not you, needs to go through the courts for access and to get put on the birth certificate. That's nothing to do with you.

Really though, I think you should kick him out. Even if he goes to her, so what? He doesn't actually want her, otherwise he'd have stayed with her before you found out and only left once you did. She's a quick and easy shag, nothing more. Even if he goes there, he will only be doing so for a roof over his head. He will leave her eventually or cheat on her. Let her have the mess. Even if the child isn't his, kick him out. He's proven what he will do. He's not trustworthy.

You won't be ruining your kids lives by kicking him out. They will be thankful you did rather than have the mess of joint families in a negative atmosphere.

@TwistedStitch

People don't have ownership of children just because they happen to have a vagina, you know.

Some women have children who are removed at birth.

Some women's partner's take their baby to the supermarket while they have a rest.

Some women are asleep whilst their partner's are up with the baby.

The woman doesn't NEED to be with the baby at all times. The baby will be ok with it's DAD. It's pretty offensive to call him a stranger. Would all the posters who have a child and partner not allow them to be unsupervised with their child at any point because their child's father is a 'stranger'?

You love him OP, but love yourself more.

You will be fine if you leave. The next year will probably be hell, but you'd get through it a day at a time.

This isn't a woman who is having her baby removed though, or who wants the baby taken off to the supermarket. You are posting with claims to be a professional stating as fact that a 2 week old could be removed for periods of time from it's mother against her wishes. I was just curious how this works with breastfeeding on demand and how court hearings even happen so soon in these cases. I was interested in how this actually happens, not what you think should happen.

You need to get professional support if that’s possible. How are you financially?

Op has decided she wants to give the marriage another chance, and there’s absolutely no reason why it can’t work. Many people go on to have strong successful marriages after an affair. OP do not do it all on OWs terms, or she will continue to dictate. There is absolutely no reason why your DH cannot collect his DS for an hour a couple of times a week (whilst a baby) and take him somewhere such as his DPs house, to spend time with him. In a few months he should then be able to have his DS spend time in his home, just the same as if he had left you to live with OW he would have the right to have your DCs spend access time in his home with OW. If she plays hard ball, take it to court. She might not like the idea of their DS spending access time in your home, but the reality is she’s as much to blame for the situation as your DH, so will have to suck it up I’m afraid.

What a horrible way to speak. It’s not about ownership, it’s about parental responsibility.she is the only person who has it at the moment and if she wants to stay with her newborn child, that’s her right.

You’re talking about women as if they are cattle carrying offspring. And for someone who works in a field where compassion should be important. Shocking.

If you as an intelligent adult, can’t see the difference between a mother sleeping while her partner watches the baby, and a baby being left th a stranger, someone they have never met before, and who the mother feels uncomfortable with, then it’s probably pointless engaging with you any further.

Difficult situation, but the child is here now.
Your DH wants to see the baby, so he should meet his child in whatever situation the mother is comfortable with. I didn't want to leave the house with my newborn for a good few weeks, she may have her reasons.

Very uncomfortable for you. But you have chosen to stay together, knowing there was another child involved. Part of all of your lives now.

How do they know each other, OP?

@ChrisjenAvasarala.
Not possible to just turn up in Sussex or Leicestershire!

From gov.uk website
All births in England, Wales and Northern Ireland must be registered within 42 days of the child being born.

My heart breaks for all of the children in the middle of this mess, OW's baby included.

What makes me even more a mug if that's at all possible is the fact I'd welcome this little boy into our home and be nothing but compassionate towards him. I don't resent him and I'm sure in time I could grow to care about him as a sibling of my own DC.

It's that pair of bastards that are the problem. Three innocent children have to bare the brunt of their selfish ways in one way or another.

Stop discussing it with him and have some breathing space. Let him do the thinking. The baby is two weeks old and you haven't mentioned him trying to see a solicitor yet, so he's not frantic. He may be one of those men who expects his wife to organize everything in his life - even visiting his children by other women! - so stop. Just wait until he is ready to do something then go from there.

Honestly it may be easier under your circumstances to wait and organize contact once the baby is a bit older and the courts would allow sole contact with the father.

But think about how this will pan out. The OW won't disappear even when your DH can see the baby alone. She will have communications with your DH for life. You're potentially facing 18+ years of power games with this woman because your dickhead husband didn't use a condom.

Is he an active father? If he ends up with every other weekend contact will he do the nappy changing, and feeding, and bathing, and shopping, and entertaining, or do you think he would get complacent and expect you to do it? If the child throws a tantrum and is a little shit - as all children are capable of being - could you react to him/her without resentment? It's a huge thing to take on. This is why I don't think you should rush into anything. At the least, let him take the lead. Don't bring all this hassle upon yourself sooner than it would otherwise happen.

Yes, acting like women have carte Blanche of their children IS horrible. And outdated. The family courts have moved on, and your views should too. There's nothing unprofessional about equality.

Can I remind you that it's parental RESPONSIBILITY and not RIGHTS.

She used to work at the company he works for but has since moved on, they stayed in touch after she left.

He may be a brilliant dad to the dc but he is a shit husband. Good husbands dont shag women behind their wives back especially with NO condom.

My first was actually 51 days old despite ringing them in first couple hours after birth(just checked her cert)

Cross posted. You sound very empathetic and kind, but before this baby, you need to put yourself first, and then your children. Stating the obvious, but the baby has a mother to look out for his needs.

Very uncomfortable for you. But you have chosen to stay together, knowing there was another child involved. Part of all of your lives now.

That doesn't mean she's locked in. This is all new. She may continue processing it for a year and then decide she wants him to leave. And the baby isn't part of any of their lives yet.

OP. This is a horrible situation. FWIW I'm sorry you're going through it. However, I'm going to be blunt here- you need to stop and take a deep breath and then start to be more logical.

The more I read, the more I think you are staying with him for the wrong reasons. You don't want to end the relationship because you can't face the idea of her "winning" and you being "the loser". That's no way to choose your future though. You should make a positive choice to be with someone, not to stop another woman from having him. Though not quite sure why either of you would want him, if I'm honest.

Your life has been turned upside down, and its understandable that you want to hang onto what you know and feels stable. But actually what you're hanging onto- the life you had before your DH had an affair and a child with another woman- is gone and that cannot be undone. So you have to out that behind you and decide where you go from here and recognise that even if you rebuild your marriage it will NEVER be the same because this child exists. He will be forever linked, in some way, to this other woman.

You also don't want to leave as you'll be bereft at losing control. But the reality is that the control you feel you have now is just an illusion anyway and (sooner or later, only a matter of time) something will happen that you are not going to be able to control. Then what will you do? Again, no way to live your life.

You think your husband is so weak that if he doesn't have you he will end up living with her and the baby. If you're right then what does that say about the depth and strength of his feelings for you? It seems to me that you believe he sees you as totally replaceable. So why would you fight so hard for this man that you are driving yourself to edge of an emotional/mental breakdown?

You also fear that he's so weak that if he sees the OW without a "chaperone", he won't be able to control himself around her. So, to prevent him being with her you are going to try and ban contact with her and micromanage the contact with this child. If you think you can do this without damaging you all, I think you've got it very wrong. Trying to manage things like this will be damaging to you, to both this child and your children and that's not fair on any of you. This idea or vision of the future you have made is madness- and not sustainable. I'm sorry, I don't meant to be unkind but I think you need a reality check.

I wonder what he told or promised the OW woman though? It was an emotional affair before it was a physical one (or ONS- though I'd have my doubts)- its possible that he told her she was more than a fling, surely? Not that it matters to you, but it may be why she has been hanging on in there. In any case, please don't do the "pick me dance". In the long run it will only damage your self esteem even further. If he is going to cheat on you again, with this woman or anyone else, he will. There is not a single thing you can do about it, so stop trying.

Honestly, OP. I think you really need to seek some counselling or listening therapy of some kind. I think you "can't see the wood for the trees", so to speak. You're so caught up in a maelstrom of emotions that you cannot see a way forward. Take your time and start to unpick things in your own time.

As I said, pointless engaging.

Id have thought a social worker would know that there are parental rights and parental responsibilities.🤔

When he found out about the baby, before I did, he told her to keep him updated about scans and appointments then changed his mind and came clean to me and told her he didn't want to be involved in the pregnancy but it was up to her whether she continued with it or not.

Well, it's no wonder she wants things to be on her terms, especially after he changed his mind and said he wanted no involvement.

And TBH it sounds like he has lied so much to you, you no longer know the truth from the lie. The birth control story he spun is all lies, how would he have seen her pills and know what they were? And then why would she plant pills she wasn't taking?
All lies.

As I believe is the fact it was a ONS, how did he meet her and know her?

I think he's lied to you both and the result is you feeling like this and an innocent child suffering the consequences.

I really think you should speak to someone, especially as you have only just had a baby too, your MH seems to be compromised, and now you are having huge anxiety trying to take control of him and her and a baby that you really cannot control.

I think for you alone you need to talk to someone.