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Original poster

DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

999 replies

Lovelytea · 30/12/2018 19:50

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

OP posts:
ChrisjenAvasarala · 30/12/2018 22:57

@Lilmishap

Where do you live? I’m in Scotland, and all births MUST be registered within 21 days of the birth, or you get in big trouble. You don’t even need to call and make an appointment; you just go to the local office and wait. You can make an appointment if you want, but don’t need to. It definitely does not take 4-6 weeks up here. You’d be in trouble if you did that (unless for medical reasons or something).

AmperoBlue · 30/12/2018 22:57

I agree with everyone else on the whole.
I a bit Hmm that she got accidentally pregnant. I mean he was wearing a condom right, so it down to him not her.
Anyway I feel for you Op. There is no good outcome to this situation. Which is not to say that life won’t be wonderful and easy again once this is over. I concur that doing the difficult thing now will be better in the long run. It’s scary but you lose less by leaving on your terms rather than years of stress and misery.

Cassie85 · 30/12/2018 22:57

So contact of a newborn would be ordered away from the mother even though she’s making access possible at her house? Why would the access be ordered to happen away from her? Just because that’s what the father wants?

I genuinely don’t know but find that hard to believe.

alansleftfoot · 30/12/2018 22:58

I think the breakdown will come if you stay op Thanks

championquartz · 30/12/2018 22:59

Oh dear OP. I’m so sorry for you. And I think it’s extremely good of you to be so considerate of this new baby.

In a nutshell:
You have a small baby
H had an affair, resulting in another small baby
You are sorting out this access issue with H.

Why?? This is his problem. If he wants to continue with this marriage as he says, then it’s up to him to present the solution, and it is your decision to accept or not. Let him do this. You find it unacceptable he is alone with OW. Ok, then he finds another solution. Why are you fussing?

I’m curious as to what your counselor says?

I’m also curious H accepts this child as his after a ONS.

This sounds horrendous. Try and back off. Allow him the opportunity to prove/show himself.

mcmooberry · 30/12/2018 22:59

Oh God you poor thing, this scenario is my worst fear, the utter worst betrayal I can, and have, imagined. I'm not going to tell you to LTB as it sounds like him leaving would make you feel even worse and you certainly don't need or deserve to feel any worse at this point. However, your DH's actions have spoiled everything and maybe one day you won't want to be with him. It's not clear how regretful your DH is, I doubt that having a baby with her was ever on the cards in his wildest nightmares and if she lied about contraception then I would actually feel a degree of sympathy for him (alongside fury at what he did with a wife and young children at home of course). I am so sorry this has happened to you and wish you all the best for the future xxx

ReanimatedSGB · 30/12/2018 22:59

Did you 'win' this worthless man in the first place (not from this woman, but perhaps from another, or a string of casual girlfriends)? You seem to be focussing quite a lot on the idea of Not Losing, which isn't terribly healthy. It is not possible to force someone to be monogamous when that person doesn't want to - at least, not in any way that's remotely ethical (terrorizing, stalking or locking up a partner to prevent the partner from 'straying' is abuse, not 'fighting for your marriage').

He almost certainly promised he would leave you for her and her anger is fairly understandable. He might even have only persuaded her to drop her knickers (and allow him to skip using a condom) by pretending that she was The One and he'd move in with her if they had a baby together. You seem to be more inclined to blame her than him, which is daft: he's not an innocent little poppet who gets led astray.

GummyGoddess · 30/12/2018 23:00

Personally I think you should leave him.

However, have you considered that he telephone you before he goes in and keeps the telephone on the entire time (secretly if needed)? Then you can listen. He shouldn't need to be in there more than 30-60 minutes at first anyway.

In the meantime, start sorting out court for access in a neutral place, and the rights of baby to have a relationship with their half siblings.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 30/12/2018 23:00

Because she doesn't need to be present whilst the child is with their other, perfectly capable parent. That's why.

ArnoldBee · 30/12/2018 23:00

Christian

It's all about appointments in England and often due to availability of the registrar a birth registration can easily be outside if 42 days. There is no legal issue with this as it's the fault of the registrar.

Cherrysherbet · 30/12/2018 23:00

I couldn’t be so calm about it. I wouldn’t want any part in it. Your Dh’s mess, it’s up to him to sort it out. Why would you be pushing for this baby to be in your house? It’s weird imo.

TwistedStitch · 30/12/2018 23:01

I'd be surprised if a father would even get a court hearing so quickly that there would be orders made for 2 week olds. In my area family court has a bit of a waiting time, even longer then for Cafcass reports etc before rulings are made.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 30/12/2018 23:02

Well yes there will of course be a wait for a court hearing but that is OW's responsibility

Cherrysherbet · 30/12/2018 23:02

Sorry, I’ve just read your last post. I get it. I wish you all the best x

TwistedStitch · 30/12/2018 23:03

Sorry what is OWs responsibility?

bethy15 · 30/12/2018 23:03

Lovelytea have you spoken to a Dr at all? Spoken to a therapist or anyone.

I think whether you stay or leave, you most likely are heading towards a MH crisis of huge proportions. As soon as your semblance of control is shattered (which it will be) everything will hit you.

As you had just had a baby too, you were already in a more vulnerable position.

Please speak to someone, anyone, and soon.

JillScarlet · 30/12/2018 23:04

AHundredMilesAnHour “I know he loves me unconditionally” bollocks does he! He’s in a relationship with someone else, treating them disrespectfully by letting you know -in secret communication behind her back - how ‘unhappy’ he is, and is just casting you in the OW role.

TwistedStitch · 30/12/2018 23:04

And how would the separation work at 2 weeks old if the baby is breastfed, feeding on demand?

goldengummybear · 30/12/2018 23:04

My ex left me after an affair. It's by far the worst thing that's ever happened to me and there is no new baby in the mix.

Before he left, I knew about OW and she took up a lot of headspace. She worked in the same office as him and I spent a lot of time distraught at what might be happening.

As a person who's survived being brutally dumped, I can not stress how brilliant it is not to have her living in my head. In the beginning when my thoughts turned to her I had to remind myself "We aren't a couple. He can do what he wants" but it got much easier. I honestly don't care what he does (unless it affects the time with our children) and I can call OW his gf without feeling stabby. He's an adult and if he's determined to cheat whether he's physically with you 24 hours a day or 24 minutes day. Clinging onto him because you don't forgive him will lead to resent on both sides and any woman who's not keeping tabs on him will seem appealing. I became super paranoid and controlling after finding out what ex did. It's not a version of myself I like and my kids deserved better because I should have been focused on them and my own MH rather than focusing on the dickhead.

I don't know how long you've known about OW but have you had the space to think about what you want? Not what society or your friends think you should do but what is the best decision for you as an individual? Men can be good Dads while split from the mums. It takes time and effort but it's perfectly possible to be a terrible husband but good Dad.

Pagwatch · 30/12/2018 23:05

Op - your DH isn’t a prize to win.
His ow is not some mad harridan desperate to steal your man away.
The fact that you can’t trust him to be alone with her says everything about the fact that you know he is a skank

It’s so incredibly easy to make him seem the same by painting her as the bad person here but he was the one cheating

I have to say too, knowing that you see her as some bunny boiler husband stealer who is using her baby to manipulate him, would make me think that she’s pretty wise to try and keep her baby out of your home for as long as possible.

If you want to stay with him that’s your choice but I think you’ll need to stop kidding yourself that it was the ow that enticed him and let the fact that all the hurt you are experiencing comes entirely from his carelessness with the life you were leading

Cassie85 · 30/12/2018 23:05

Watch, when I had my DS, th midwives encouraged me not to leave him at all. They said it was really important for a newborn not to be separated from their mother. That’s why it sounds contradictory that a court would order this if there was no specific reason to.

Laiste · 30/12/2018 23:05

alansleftfoot - I think the breakdown will come if you stay op

I agree with this. If you ask him to leave, temporarily to begin with if it helps, you are in control of the pace. You will know what's coming next because you will be the one calling the shots. Trying to glue all this together and go on as if it hasn't happened and fretting about where he is and who he's talking to when he's not within 10 meters of you for the next 1,2, 3, 4, 5+ years .... is that really going to be easier on your mental health? I think not.

ChristmasSprite · 30/12/2018 23:07

lookatlookatyourwatch presumably ow barely knows this man, only enough to have sex, not enough or close enough trust him with her db

bethy15 · 30/12/2018 23:08

Well yes there will of course be a wait for a court hearing but that is OW's responsibility

No it wouldn't be, she is providing reasonable access, she needs no court time at all.

It's the best access for a new mother and a newborn to be in their house for a visit. Anything else will be on the OP's husband to move through court.

Cassie85 · 30/12/2018 23:08

The baby also has never even seen this man so it seems ludicrous to me that the mother would be forced to leave baby with him. I can understand building up to that as the baby gets to know him and he builds trust with the mother, but straight off the bat sounds a bit unlikely.