DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

[Lovelytea]

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

You deserve a medal for putting up with any of it OP. He's a fucking lucky guy.

There is no way I could deal with having to worry so much and stress what he may or may not be doing and who with for the rest of my life , that would take away a massive mental part of me that my children would need to be happy and strong.
I would also want my daughters to realise there are consequences and that they should be strong in a circumstance where a man is not faithful! And vice versa with sons .

You will be ALOT stronger than you believe , end up alot happier than you think you will.
Dont hang on in there just because this OW wants him , she has already had him and has him for years to come even if its not in a relationship like that they will always have a connection. I couldnt put myseldlf through that .

You have yourself and your children to think of now you guys are the most important people right now , you have not created this shit situation , you should hold your head high knowing how you was the better person and let him sort this mess out himself.

Believe in yourself! 💙 there is MANY more women in your situation , its not just you , this is life eventually you will see through it all and feel stronger than ever .

I have been there.
I wish you well xx

The other thing you need to think about is this: if he wants to cheat on you again (with her or anyone else) then he will find a way, so banning him from seeing her actually won't stop him cheating if he of a mind to do so. So if you are chasing to rebuild a relationship, this is one of the things you'll need to accept.

At one point I even said she could bring the baby to our place and I would busy myself in another area of the house. DH saw that suggestion for the ridiculous one that it is and said it would never work.

I think you just need to decide you're staying and if you do, you'll have to leave him alone sometimes.

He'll have to go to her house and visit his child, that's all there is to it. And clearly you do not want him there, but there's not really a way around that.

The adults need to get over themselves in this situation and realise there's an innocent baby in all of this and he needs to at least see him in conditions the mother is comfortable with, not with her having to leave her house with the baby and sit in your house with you listening in.

If he were to go to her and the worst happened and he cheats again or chooses her, he's not much of a prize for you anyway!

Honestly op I'd cut your losses. Bring a lone parent is scary but nothing in terms of stress compared to this shit show. Kick him out of the house and get a solicitor. Will hurt like fuck for a bit but you will get through it. Lush he will have to pay you maintenance. Really hope he's paye

Your h is losing at this game.

The ow WANTS him to be in her life and is using the baby as a weapon to achieve this

She wants something that he - if he’s brutally honest with himself- doesn’t want. He would rather the woman didn’t exist, and also that the child didn’t exist either.

In this, HE holds all the power

He can TELL the ow that he will check out the paternity- just to be sure, and then take advice on the birth certificate issues, then pr and maintenance

He won’t be told when and how he’ll see his child (assuming this is proven) and until all of the above are in place, until she stops communicating in the manner and means she is doing to, that no support will be forthcoming.

He holds the cards. If she wants to be able to provide her child with access to both parents, she needs to work with him not against him. If she won’t do this, she can ftfo

She knows what she was doing, and is still trying to do. It won’t work anymore and you and your family won’t be held to ransom

As lovely as it is as a sentiment for your h to be there for his child, if the price is too high, then he can’t be blamed for leaving the ow to it.

His life with him he family he has MUST take precedence

As lovely as it is as a sentiment for your h to be there for his child, if the price is too high, then he can’t be blamed for leaving the ow to it.

Of course he can be blamed. He cheated and slept with someone else and created a life. If he chooses to walk away I hope he loses everything.

I think a good solution would be to offer that DH be accompanied by one of his parents (the child’s grandparents) for the first few visits until you are comfortable.

Well done for fighting for your family. Fight hard for your DC to have loving parents under one roof. It sounds as though you and your DH have a real chance of getting through this.

That last advice goes for you too

Your family takes precedence over anyone else’s

If you don’t want to be in the mire of this mess, you don’t have to be.

His existing family is more important than a woman who is using a child to destroy another family.

Oh yes of course he can be blamed for this mess, but that’s done now -and this now needs to be a survival exercise. The horse has bolted.

Why would a woman who has just given birth and is no doubt feeling all sorts of emotions, allow a stranger into her house to escort the baby's dad in order to supervise their contact? It's nuts.

The whole situation is horrible but it needs to be accepted for what it is and treated as such.

For fucks sake, if it went to court the DH would NOT have contact in a contact centre. Why would he? He has other children in his care full time. He would also get contact with the baby without the OW being there. He's not a 'stranger' he is the parent as much as the baby's Mum is. Sometimes people talk such shit on here without any knowledge base.

Op, let's cut to the chase here.

You don't trust he won't sleep with her again so you're doing everything in your power to make sure they are never alone, to the extent you will work to ensure he sacrifices his relationship with this child rather than risk it.

That's one hell of a way to live your life. Because it will only cause resentment. If you're going to work through your marriage then you're going to have to trust him to co parent with this woman without shagging her.

If you can't do that, then you will need to end it. Staying because you've no place to go and to spite her won't do any of you any good in the long run, it will simply slowly destroy whatever is left between you and him.

So either go with it and trust him, or end it and don't. There is no other option that can work.

I'm sorry, 💐

Isn't it possible that the ow is hormonal? She's just had a baby - out of wedlock or without a partner: it's not an ideal situation. She's probably feeling very emotional and Sorting out visitation when she probably has postpartum depression or is going through baby blues isn't a great idea.

I wouldn't want to be separated from my child so they can go and visit their dad when I'm 2 weeks into motherhood either

It's a shame all of this has happened and it's admirable you're trying to be the bigger person but I really think you need to let your DH go and visit his baby without you in tow. If he ends up back with her then that's what was meant to be.

You don't want to leave him because you don't want him to then run to her- which you think he will. Think about it like this- you love (or did love) DH don't you? So imagine if he'd left you before all this shit blew up. Would you have another man to run to? Your 'next in line' for a relationship? Would you have thought 'It's ok he's left me, I'll be with 1. Dave down the road or 2. Steve from Accounts. No worries, I'll just be with them instead '
If you worry he'll do this to you because he's 'weak' and he was weak enough to have the affair in the first place what do you mean to him? Is he as replaceable to you as you are to him? Would you have just fucked off with Dave or Steve without a backward glance? Don't LTB, kick TB the fuck out for a week or two, he owes you that. If he goes to OW then that's who he is, do you want him?

This is not your mess. Take your children and walk away.

Hissy, I do t know how you can compare children and decide which ones are most important. Surely to a decent parent all their children should be equally as important despite the circumstances of their birth.

I do t think the OW is in anyway wrong for not wanting to leave her newborn with strangers or to take her newborn to the fathers home where his wife will be present. I really can't see how she's using the baby as a weapon. She's doing what's right for her and her child as she is entitled to do.

His existing family is more important than a woman who is using a child to destroy another family.

He destroyed his existing family. She had no loyalty to his wife or his children. He can't just back out and abandon his own child because it's too hard! Bloody hell.

He wouldn't get contact with a newborn baby without the mother being there. The bay is two weeks old.

His existing family is more important than a woman who is using a child to destroy another family.

??

His baby with the OW is as much his family and should be as much his concern as his babies with the OP.

The OW is not bloody darth vader! She was good enough to shag, but ''oh don't be a PITA about the baby dear or i'll make life difficult for you and my illegitimate child ...''. Super attitude

What kind of father is he to your children? Is/was he a supportive? I think all that can be said in terms of the contact has been said but i think it is really important you take some time for you. Tell him you are going out for a few hours. Get your hair ir nails done or whatever makes you feel a bit special. Make sure you take the kids to every baby and toddler group going and build up your support network. Work out all your options financially if you decide to go. Try taking control in the areas you can have some. If you are not strong enough to leave now be kind to yourself and accept that knowing that is strong in itself but know for your own self esteem that you do have options and choices if your feelings change

I feel for the child in this situation. All the adults appear to be thinking only of themselves.

Why does everyone keep calling it a ONS? OP said that they had an emotional affair and then had sex once (as far as she was told). This is not a ONS. They were lovers.

It must feel like an impossible situation and it's devastating because it's not of your making. This is entirely on both their heads.
As a PP said, you don't have to make any sudden decisions but if you feel you need permission to be angry with him or to leave, then we give you that permission. And yy we're strangers on the internet but we're also women who know the pressures on us to try to keep families together and the pressure to forgive, frankly, unforgivable behaviour. You don't need to fix this. You don't need to forgive him and you don't need to try to make this work.
Think about what you would say to your DC if they were in your position. You deserve the same.

OP, I think having read your last couple of responses, it seems as if the EA is more of an issue than the physical (baby notwithstanding).

I get the impression you’re afraid of the feelings they had for one another and your H seeing the OW, all postnatal and having given him a beautiful baby, will spark something in him again? Reminding him why he embarked on the affair in the first place and giving them something to bond over?

The whole situation reads as though you’re trying everything in your power to stop any kind of contact for fear of them rekindling things but you’re on a hiding to nothing and you’ll drive yourself mad in the process.

Just walk away. You’re better than this and having a happy mother is the best gift you can give your DC. This situation will never end well. The reminder is always going to be there and ultimately, you won’t have won anything. You may keep your husband from her but you’ll lose yourself doing so.

OP. You’ve been dealt a shit blow.